Things Have Changed

Chapter Six
Survivors
------

They walked back to the hotel, slowly and in silence. It was another chilly night but it didn't bother them.

She glanced over at him and saw that he was deep in thought. Why was he being so strange? She was annoyed with his lack of ability to stop dwelling on the past. It was so long ago now and what had happened, happened. It didn't matter how much they regretted it or wished it undone – neither of them could go back in time and change anything.

But he was still stuck in the past and she knew she partly was too. Coming here every year was her weakness - her only weakness now. An indulgence in wishful thinking, passionate sex and wonderful memories.

But this package also contained his misery and what he usually tried to force upon her without words - feelings of guilt.

His insisting on talking about Mexico, the sadness when he talked about Kim, the feeling that he was lying… Perhaps she should leave before...?

But she didn't want to leave yet. She stuck an arm under his and smiled towards him, hoping to cheer him up a little by the time they got to their room. He only gave her a faint smile and then looked straight ahead.

She was getting angry with him. This was his idea. If he wanted to stop seeing her here all he had to do was to not show up - or just call the whole thing off. She knew he wasn't happy and she felt bad for him, but she couldn't feel guilty for his life now or for his inability to move on. She couldn't take responsibility for all the choices he had made or for his unhappiness. She had her own troubles, her own life, her own happiness to think about…

Did they deserve to be happy? That was what she had asked him the night before and she asked herself the same question now. Did she deserve happiness?

She had no answer but she knew she had felt happiness in the years after Mexico – in many ways she had been happier than she had ever been before…

We're survivors.

His words kept repeating themselves in her mind as they walked.

He was right and she thought about all the times she had almost died, should have died, and she knew Jack had been through the same. She was happy to be alive but why did they survive? What was the purpose?

She knew she was a little drunk and she suddenly wished she had had more to drink. She didn't really want to think about this now but if he wanted to remember then maybe she should too?

We're survivors.

Yeah, but was it worth it? Survival costs too much, she thought. And what happens when you start to question if it really is worth it?

Paul… This was the second time tonight she was thinking about him. Was it really over two years ago?

::::::::::::
When she lost Paul she had nearly given up. His death struck her harder than she had ever expected. For the first time in her life she felt guilty for being alive. She should have gone with him on this trip. How come she had let him talk her out of coming along?

She walked around their house like she was in a trance. At least she was here, in Bonaire, and not in the apartment in Amsterdam. The accident was all over the news in Holland.

Dutch businessman dies in Bulgaria.

Police investigates the suspicious circumstances

She had checked the Dutch newspapers online and knew they would want to talk to her. But no reporters would find her here. She was safe but she knew what all this meant - She could not go back to Holland, the publicity was dangerous and if the police dug deep enough into their business they would find out more than enough to arrest her. She had already transferred all the business funds as well as their private funds to a secret bank account and made sure it could never be traced.

She had sat down on the veranda, like so many times before, just listening to the sound of the wind rustling through the palm trees and the waves crashing against the beach. Another drink in her hand and the bottle of Paul's favourite fine oak aged rum standing beside her on the table. She was already drunk because she had forgotten to eat anything during the day. Paul would have looked at her with concern, like he always did when she drank. The thought brought tears to her eyes but they didn't fall. She blinked them away. What good would crying do? It wouldn't bring him back.

She had wanted to talk to Jack, needed to talk to him, but she knew it was impossible. She had no idea where he was and January was almost four months away. But suddenly she regretted that she had not stopped seeing him when she met Paul. She knew Paul had been hurt and worried about the arrangement. She shouldn't have gone last time... She should have forgotten about Jack Bauer a long time ago.

But then how could she? They seemed to be linked together forever.

She was still waiting for her contacts to tell her what really happened on that road outside Sofia. Had it been an accident? Deep down she feared it wasn't... They had been cooperating with the Russian mafia for years and she had always suspected they were interested in taking over some of her and Paul's very lucrative business. If they had killed him she knew she had to lay low and let them take over. She could not afford the publicity... She hoped it was an accident after all and she hoped death had come fast.

She thought about his last phone call - just hours before his car had crashed into the rocks and exploded.

His flight had been delayed and the service had been terrible, he had told her with a laugh. But everything was going fine. The hotel was great and he just wished she was there. She had told him it was his own fault - He had told her not to come along, and he had mumbled something about being stupid, but...

Had he known the trip could be dangerous? Had he been protecting her?

She got up, her legs a bit unsteady as she made her way back into the house. It was dark now and she turned on a lamp in the bedroom and stared at the bed.

So this was what happened when you became too attached to someone?
::::::::::::

Still she had no regrets - she had Paul to thank for too much.

Jack caressed her arm like he somehow knew what she was thinking.

"Sometimes you do wonder why, don't you?" he asked quietly. "Do we live on the expense of others? Or do we just create disaster wherever we go?"

She smiled sadly. "I have created enough disaster around me… but you, Jack? What finally drove you over the edge won't outweigh all the good things you have done in your life – all the people you have saved!"

He looked away and sighed. He knew she was right but somehow he was never able to take it in.

"Paul died because of me" she said suddenly and he jerked his head towards her.

"I thought you said it was an accident?"

"No, I thought – hoped – that it was an accident… But it was payback. A message to me that they had found me…that they haven't forgotten what I did…"

He stopped and turned towards her. "They are still after you?"

She gave him another sad smile. "Of course, Jack. 240 million is a lot of money. They will find me again. Perhaps they already have…"

As usual he found her irresistible like this. Her vulnerability, so rarely revealed to him, evoked something so powerful inside him. It always had… During their affair, during the night in Jakarta and again when she had told him about Paul's death.

::::::::::::
When he got to Santa Barbara that year she had been waiting for him.

When she opened the door he smiled widely, surprised that she was the first one here and made a joke about it as he pushed past her and placed his bag on the floor before he turned around to hug her. She felt rigid and distant in his arms and he let her go. Something had happened and he looked at her, waiting for her to tell him.

"Paul… He's dead" She said it casually but her eyes revealed her real emotions.

Over the years she had hardly mentioned him but the fact that she hadn't wanted to tell Jack anything about her husband had made him realize just how much she had cared for him, and seeing her face now it was evident that she had loved him. He reached for her to pull her close, pushing darker thoughts to the back of his head.

She took a little step back and looked away. "God, I wasn't even going to tell you…" she said and stared up at him with a strangely defiant look in her eyes – like she knew exactly what thoughts went through his mind at this moment. And of course she did… It was so obvious neither of them had to say anything.

But her distress vexed him as well as aroused him and he pulled her towards the bed. Sensing that words wouldn't comfort her now, and afraid to voice his thoughts, he kissed her. He covered her face and neck with kisses that became more and more demanding. She clung to him now refusing to let him go and he felt her responding to him, her lips seeking his and kissing him hungrily.

"I'm sorry, Nina" he whispered against her neck and pushed her back against the pillows. His hand was sliding under her blouse when he heard her faint whisper.

"No, you're not…"

He stopped and removed his hand.

She fell back and sighed.

They stared at each other, catching their breaths, for what seemed an eternity. Everything threatened to come up to the surface now, he felt his control slipping and it scared him. She could see it – he saw alarm in her eyes, but she didn't move. But then she looked down and her hand caressed his arm.

"It's OK, Jack. You can admit it… you can say it…"

"No…"

"Now you know how it feels… Now you know what you did to me…" Her voice was hard as she manifested his vengeful thoughts.

He shook his head but she went on:

"It serves you right… You got what you deserve…"

"Nina…" He kept shaking his head and she became silent and just stared into his eyes again.

He knew he wasn't able to mask his feelings. He did want to tell her these things… He wanted to tell her that finally she knew what it felt like to lose someone. He was happy that she was miserable. He revelled in her unhappiness. He felt like laughing but in the end he couldn't. Looking into her eyes he saw - and understood. She was thinking the same. She was also thinking she deserved it.

She so rarely expressed her guilt to him. She had told him she wished things could have been different and with her eyes revealed that she wished it undone but not until now was he satisfied in knowing how she felt.

He nodded to her now.

"I almost didn't come", she whispered. "I promised Paul I wasn't going to see you again."

"I'm glad you're here" he whispered back and he brought his hand to her face and caressed her cheek before he started kissing her again.

She had said she loved him that night. She hadn't said it before and she never said it again but she had been sincere and he had always known deep down. Of course he couldn't tell her the same – and she hadn't expected him to either. With a smile she said it didn't matter. Thanks to Paul she wasn't afraid to say it any longer and she just wanted him to know.
::::::::::::

She looked so tired now. His feelings suddenly became very clear. What was he afraid of? What did it matter now? Wasn't the game over anyway?

He took her hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed it softly and saw how his action surprised her a little. He smiled.

"I love you, you know… God help me but I do…"

He let go of her hand and wrapped an arm around her and started walking, pulling her with him. He didn't have to look at her to know how much his words had startled her. He felt her arm coming around his waist and he smiled as he picked up the pace. They were just down the street from the hotel now…

------