Things Have Changed
Chapter Seven
The Call
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"OK, Jack… What's going on?"
He glanced up at her. His breathing had just returned to normal, his body was relaxing and he had thought she had been about to fall asleep. The question surprised him and perhaps she had waited until now to try and catch him off guard. What was she sensing?
"I know something has changed…"
He smiled and kissed her shoulder before lying down next to her, his hand supporting his head as he watched her turn towards him.
"I finished the book", he said, pride evident in his voice.
She smiled back and a hand moved up to his face and caressed his cheek.
He could see she was happy for him. How long had he been working on it now? 4 years? 5?
"How does it end?" she whispered.
"I can't tell you that", he said with a teasing smile.
But Nina was serious now and he could see she was even a little worried. What did it mean that it was finished? Was it the final step to forget his – their - past? And would that mean this was going to end? He saw all these questions in her eyes before she turned her gaze to the ceiling. He watched her profile as she lay silent.
"It's still up to you" she said quietly. "I hate that…" Her eyes were still staring at the ceiling. He didn't know what to say and he didn't think she even expected an answer.
She sighed and he could sense her disappointment in herself. She felt weak and he knew she hated it.
She closed her eyes and turned around. He stared at her naked back for a moment, wanting to say something.
But what could he say? She wasn't looking for reassurance and he wouldn't be able to give her any anyway.
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It was some time after midnight. She was sleeping with her head resting on his arm and it was getting uncomfortable. He had to move it. He kissed her lightly and managed to pull out his arm without waking her.
He moved over to her bag and went through her stuff. She had clothes in her bag and a passport in the name Sarah Young. Glancing over the stamps he realized she had been in Brazil only two months after he had been there.
They always did this… He remembered that time when she had woken him up asking why he had brought his gun. She had been a little anxious but he had just been worried about being followed. That year the search for him had intensified because he had been seen and almost caught in the airport in Berlin.
He found her wallet and her cell phone. The phone was turned off and he quickly put on his pants and t-shirt and went out on the balcony. He glanced back at her to make sure she was still sleeping and then he turned it on. He looked through her wallet. Nothing personal just cash - a lot of cash. He smiled. After all these years on the run she was still smarter than him. A credit card could always be traced. It would leave clues behind no matter what name it was under. Yeah, she was smarter – he also always kept a picture of Kim in his wallet. He picked up her phone again and dialled quickly. The whole conversation took less than a minute.
He felt worried yet strangely calm. It was still up to him - and there was no turning back now…
He sat down in the chair by the window thinking about what it really meant that the book was finished… and what it had meant writing it in the first place.
It hadn't been easy and many events in his book – the story based on his experiences – had been hard to write about. Almost too hard. But he had forced himself to get it all down, every single detail, encouraged by Claudia who told him his story was worth telling – or perhaps she had just wanted him to do something – anything? He had disappointed her and made her unhappy. Leaning back he allowed himself to remember how her presence seemed to take up everything as soon as she walked in a room. It had attacked all his senses. Sight, smell, hearing, touch, taste…
:
It was the way her hair fell around her face and the dress clung to her body, her perfume, her laughter, the feel of her hands against his chest and the taste of her kiss – it overwhelmed him.
She was so vibrant, sexy, alive, demanding and giving, full of fire and energy, he wanted to be close to that fire – he desperately wanted to burn with her but…
"Let's go out tonight, Jack", she said against his neck, "I wanna go dancing!"
He smiled and combed his hands through her long hair.
"I'm not in the mood" His apology evident in his voice just as disappointment was evident in hers when she told him maybe tomorrow then?
"Maybe…" he answered and kissed the top of her head.
"Can't we at least go out to dinner?" There was plea in her voice and it pained him to not be able to satisfy her today. Claudia always made him feel inadequate.
He just shook his head.
"All this stuff that's happened to you… are you ever going to forget about it? You are clean now, you have money - you have me…"
Her hand caressed his cheek and he took it and kissed the soft palm. His eyes screamed to her to understand, that he was sorry, but he could find no words now.
"Jack… What if we had a family?"
He let go of her hand and looked down. Oh, Claudia please… don't do this to us again…
"Jack…" she grabbed his face with both hands, forcing him to look at her.
"I'm not enough? But if I gave you a son? Would you stay with me then?"
"I'm here, Claudia. I'm not going to leave…"
"You're not really here – and I should leave you!"
Staring into her eyes he saw the tears welling up and cringed inside. A part of her charm but today it annoyed him. She was using her tears to try and get him to change his mind, to manipulate him – perhaps not intentionally but he didn't want to deal with it now and he pushed her away.
"Claudia, don't start this again…" His voice was decisive.
He had tried to give her what she needed. He often wondered what she could possibly see in him. Was it just gratitude for saving her life?
There was so much she wanted that he couldn't give her. What she really wanted he still refused her.
A child. A family.
More tears and he knew he was being cruel. This wasn't fair to her. She was too young, had been through too much and he knew what they had to do – and so did she.
He could see the frustration in her eyes and all he could say was that he was sorry – again.
She nodded, her hand quickly wiping the tears away – he could see now that she was more angry and upset than sad.
"Very good, Jack" she said quietly. One last look and she turned on her heels and stormed out of the room.
He listened to the sound of her heals echoing down the hallway and realised the room felt so empty without her. He didn't want her to leave him, at least not yet.
He went after her. He followed the scent of her perfume like a tracker dog into their bedroom. She was tossing clothes carelessly into a suitcase when he stopped her. He made her stay another night - and then another and another - but a few months later she left and he did nothing to try and stop her then.
:
He smiled a melancholic smile and he quietly got up from the chair and got a bottle of whiskey from the minibar. He didn't think he would be able to sleep now – too much on his mind - but a drink might make him relax. He glanced over at Nina on the bed making sure she was still sleeping. He didn't want to her to wake up. He didn't want her to understand yet.
He looked outside into the dark night. He hoped Claudia was happy now – she surely hadn't been with him. And he had her to thank for a lot. He doubted that he would have made it through his undercover mission if it wasn't for her. He had used her - for information, comfort and as a distraction - but in the end he couldn't deny that she had come to mean a great deal to him. Leaving her with Hector had been difficult and seeing her again when he came back for the virus had rattled him. Her anger had been justified… Finding her again had given him an opportunity to repay her – at least in some way.
During his mission in Mexico he had lived dangerously. Drugs, alcohol, violence - and Claudia… Back in LA he had felt even more out of place than before. He was changed forever and he didn't know how to relate to anything anymore. Heroin – his saviour and his destroyer. A blessing at first when it had made it possible to do his job – but he had quickly stopped pretending it was just for his cover – if it had been he would have checked himself into rehab as soon as he had put Ramon Salazar in prison.
No, the drugs kept him sane. He had tried to piece his life back together. His relationship with Kate had been a last attempt to get a normal life and he had failed. After Mexico he wasn't able to patch things up with her – the gap between them was too wide and everything just got worse and he couldn't pretend any longer. It wasn't even what he wanted anymore. She deserved better. They all did – Kim too.
He had closed himself off as soon as he felt the familiar restlessness - once he knew normality wasn't for him anymore and never would be. The decision to go through with the operation to get the virus had been easy. It had felt like a relief to submerge himself into the planning and keeping it a secret from everyone except Tony and Gael made him feel more like an actor in a play, like a caricature of the agent he used to be. He was fine with the detachment…
For months he had pretended to be someone who, when he thought back, wasn't too far from who he really was. He could easily have been that man, the rogue agent, the junkie who was tired of serving his country and getting practically nothing for it. His rehearsed speech had almost been too close for comfort. Maybe that was why the Salazars had believed him – his words had rung so true, his appearance had seemed so honest.
He couldn't deny that part of him had enjoyed his stay undercover and he missed it. That kind of life – reckless, eventful, dangerous. Living on the edge.
He had even in a strange way admired Ramon and his way of running things and somewhere down the line he and Hector had become close too. When he turned Ramon in he had actually felt like he betrayed their trust – but he knew it was a common feeling when you were undercover for that long. It was similar to a hostage's attachment to the hostage-taker. Stockholm syndrome.
Perhaps he should have died then? During the mission – in the line of duty. It would have been a relief for his family and so much easier for Kim if she could have been allowed to be proud of him instead of ashamed. She would have a grave to visit instead of being forced to live with tainted memories, lies and a disgraceful phantom that wouldn't be put to rest.