Things Have Changed

Chapter Eight
Discourses
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He was glad he had a chance to stop the virus from getting into the wrong hands. He was glad he was able to do something good that day.

He remembered the conversations with Nina in that tiny room in fragments. And sometimes he didn't know if his memories of anything that happened that day were real or just in his mind. He sometimes prayed it had all been his imagination but he should know better than to pray for anything. He had been so exhausted and his addiction had made him so weak. Weaker than he had ever been in his life.

He did know that when all the planning finally led to action it had been just what he needed. He was ready. In his apartment lay a letter addressed to Kim.

He got the same feeling of despair and energy as soon as he set foot on Mexican soil. In a way he was home – back undercover, back where he belonged, back in hell.

But he had not expected to see her again. Nina. The root to all evil.

He had focused – he had stayed on track… After all, the mission had been his only conscious objective. He didn't allow himself to think of anything else while he was working. The virus had to be stopped no matter what. And when the mission was completed? When the virus was secured? He was still with Ramon with no chance of getting out.

Locked up with Nina he had been enraged when she had called his bluffs – all of them. Why had that surprised him? She had always been good at reading people – probably what had made her survive as long as she had in the business.

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"Ramon is going to shoot us both, Nina… And I might as well admit that the thought of you dying with me is somewhat of a comfort but don't think I have wasted any time thinking about you for the last couple of years…"

She had laughed at him. Of course she knew he hadn't stop thinking about her – and she knew he would find no comfort in dying knowing she was going to die too.

"Come on, Jack! You're just like me… Willing to do just about anything to stay alive. Just look what you have done so far… Giving the Salazars your soul? How many innocent people did you have to kill? In order to keep your cover? In order to stay alive?"

"At least I didn't do out of greed, Nina, or to save my own ass. Isn't that the difference between us?"

She laughed again. "But Jack – is there a purely altruistic deed? We do what we do because it benefits us and no matter how hard you try and disguise – don't you just want to feel good about yourself?"

"Good? Does it look like I feel good?"

She smirked. "Saving the world makes you feel good, doesn't it Jack? But the cost is pretty high – and I know you have asked yourself many times if it's really worth it. I know you asked that after I killed Teri – and again after you were forced to let me live and see me walk away. And now you don't want to feel good – you want to suffer, be a martyr. You want to die in the line of duty – because you can't end your own life…"

He shook his head and made sure his blank stare revealed nothing of what was going on inside him.

"Or perhaps you are convinced you're invincible? That you're Superman? That you can do anything?"

She was provoking him and he didn't want to fall for it. But he had fallen for it - all the things she had accused him of, all the things she had told him - he couldn't get it out of his head and for the hours to come her mocking smile fed his hatred.

"I'd do what it takes for my country!" He snarled but again she only smirked.

"Ah, your ideals… your conviction – that justifies anything, doesn't it? How many times have you broken the law, Jack? How many times have you bent the rules? You think you can save the world? From what? Do you even know?"

She paused and rubbed her temples. She looked tired and her voice was softer and she almost seemed genuinely curious. Like she could ever understand the meaning of loyalty?

"Does it really matter in the end, Jack?"

He didn't answer her. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing he really was wondering the same. He didn't want her to know how often he had been willing to give it all up.

She looked at him. "And what do you get from sacrificing your life? You have given up a lot for your job…"

The sudden sympathy in her voice. He didn't want to hear it. He couldn't stand it.

"What I have given up…?" He couldn't mask the hatred in his voice and she flinched when he suddenly got up and moved closer and he was surprised to realize he liked it. He could still scare her. He stopped in front of her and looked down. "Isn't it more of what you took from me?"

"What I did to you…" She stared into his eyes defiantly, all signs of apprehension gone. "Haven't you done the same to the families of the men you killed? How many have lost their loved ones because of you?" She continued in a mocking voice. "Jack Bauer, special agent, saviour of the free world? You are a dangerous man - a killer… you have always been – and now you're trying to scare me?"

While she was talking he had looked down at his hands. He knew all too well what they had done and what they were capable of. She was right – he was a killer.

He leaned forward and smiled. "You're wrong about everything, Nina. You may give me your little speech about the meaninglessness about what I do – but everything is not for nothing. Some things are worth fighting for – and dying for!"

She smirked. "Enlighten me, Jack… I know you don't save the world for glory - and God knows it's not for the money... so why do you keep risking your life? Because it's the right thing to do? Because you believe in the good in man? There are other ways to save the world after all… without having to choose who gets to live and who gets to die… No, you do this because you like it and you're good at it. It gives you satisfaction and now you're just trying to avoid all the guilt that would come from not fulfilling what you think is your duty…

He interrupted her: "Satisfaction? Don't you think killing people means something to me? I'm not like you..."

"But you have started to question it, haven't you? Your priorities have changed…"

He glared at her. He shook his head but she just continued:

"It's time to get something in return, isn't it? The virus is secured - you helped save the world again, Jack... Isn't time you got your reward?"

She was silent, giving him time to think over what she had said. She was watching him intensely trying to read his mind but he stared into the wall with a stoic expression. No matter how close she got to the truth he would never let her know.

"Did you plan this to be your last mission? Do you think you could ever go back to work for CTU now? And…" She calmly looked him in the eyes. "You think you ever can break that habit of yours?"

He blinked and couldn't hold her gaze. He hadn't thought she had noticed. But of course she had - and she had just waited for the right moment to use that information.

"It surprised me, Jack. I didn't think you'd be the type to choose a slow agonizing death like that... Seriously, Jack - how come you didn't put a bullet in your head a long time ago? After everything I did to you – after you lost it all and had enough?

She paused looking for a reaction but he kept his face blank.

"Your speech tonight – I believed you… Not all of it – but it rang true. What you said – you knew exactly how it felt. You didn't think I noticed the track marks on your arm when I searched you for weapons while you were unconscious? Well, I did… I saw and I felt for you, Jack - I really did… But then I thought – you're still in the game. Why should I feel sorry for you? Or perhaps I should pity you for not figuring it out yet…"

He sneered at her. "Figured what out? It's ok to kill and betray and lie? Selling out your friends is worth so and so many dollars?"

She looked at him condescendingly: "That it doesn't matter in the long run - nothing does… and the only one you can trust is yourself. The only thing worth fighting for is yourself. There is no right cause to fight for. In the end man will always think of himself. Ideals and patriotism gets thrown out the window before you know it... just give the right incentive - or the proper threat." She sighed. "Do you think you turning in those dirty agents back when I worked at CTU ever made a difference? You think they were the only ones? You think I was the only one? For such a hard man you are pretty naive." She kept going and he was able to hear a weariness in her voice – and was it disappointment?

"You manage to stop one enemy – but a new one, smarter, more evil or more fanatic, is waiting in the wings to take over. All you do is chase after ghosts - and I'm one of them, am I not?" She almost looked sad. Like she really wished things had been different.

He stared at her in silence for a moment then turned back to the other wall and squatted down. He stared at the floor for a moment. She certainly was one of his ghosts – and she had haunted him more than anyone else just because of their shared history. He looked up again. She was still watching him.

"Why did you make me kiss you, Nina?" He could see she was surprised by his question – and amused by his choice of words. But she had forced him to do it, hadn't she? He had been disgusted but it hadn't been so hard to remember once he had closed his eyes. He had done worse things in his life than enjoying a kiss from a woman he hated.

"Why did you have to make it personal again? Isn't that what you said it never was?"

She looked down and it occurred to him that she might not exactly know why either. What could she possibly had hoped to accomplish except taunting him and make him hate her even more?

"If I hadn't convinced you to work with me…" It hit him. "You were going to kill me, weren't you?"

She looked at him calmly. He could see the truth in her eyes.

"All I ever wanted was to stay away from you…You do see that, don't you? I could've had you killed you know… But now you came after me – what did you expect me to do? Wait for you to kill me? You're alive because I always believe there is a way out. I don't give up – and neither do you… Another thing we have in common, right Jack?"

"You think we can get out of this now, Nina?" He laughed. "Ramon is a sick bastard – we will get out of here when he decides he wants us dead – or worse! Killing you I might actually do you a favour. The stuff Ramon can do to you is worse than even I can imagine doing to you…"

She tilted her head and smiled. "If you're going to do it then just do it, Jack. Kill me! Kill me with your own hands… be the one who gets to do it! Will it make dying easier?"

He stared at her wondering how she could seem so certain he wouldn't kill her. Did she really know him that well?

"Tempted? Or do you think you can use me? Do think you need me? Use me to get out of this alive? What is the last thing you want to have control over, Jack? Me? Or yourself?"
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During those hours in that room she made him realize how much he wanted to live after all. And he found himself questioning his motivations even more than he had lately. Perhaps his willingness to sacrifice his life for the mission, the job, his country was simply a delusion? Nina was right – he wasn't Superman. He had laughed at her at first but then the thought of all the times he had cheated death had made him unsure. Maybe he was so afraid of dying that he had actually convinced himself he was invincible, immortal?

He had almost lost his control in there with her and done what she challenged him to do – to kill her if he could. But then he had seen the fear of dying in her eyes too.

But she had still been playing, and she had not given up.

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"You don't have anything Ramon wants either… do you?" He had looked at her triumphantly, so sure that this time she would have no way out, that she would be too tired and too hurt. He could clearly see how the blow to her head was affecting her even though she did her best to hide it from him. He had been wrong. No matter what she would never give up…

"But I do…"

He had been able to see how she loved the look on his face and how her words made him hesitate. He shook his head.

"Jack, Ramon will kill you because you betrayed him. He doesn't even know me… I'll be able to make a deal with him. I'm very good at making deals, you know…" She had given him a little smirk that almost made him lose it like he did in the interrogation room at CTU.

She had offered to get them out, both of them, if he only asked for her help - If he promised to stop hunting her, stop hating her, admitting that kissing her hadn't been so awful…

How could he agree? When she had banged on the door and demanded to talk to Ramon he had been determined to prove her wrong. He was not afraid of death, and he was not willing to go to any lengths to stay alive. He was not like her.

They had taken her away and he had been sitting there alone, no idea what she was up to and apprehensive. He had paced the wooden floor, fidgeting, moving his hands through his hair. Would she be able to fool Ramon? She was tired and it was obvious that the blow to the head affected her. What could she possibly have to offer him now?

When they came back for him he hadn't planned on trying to gain Ramon's trust again – but apparently he was just like her.

"Haven't I done enough to prove my loyalty?" Jack had lashed out to a stoic Ramon.

He remembered the executions, the torture, the raids and shootouts. Desperate he rolled up his sleeve revealing his tattoo as well as the needle marks. A proud man like Ramon didn't want to think he had been fooled by someone for months, trusting an undercover agent with his life and liking him so much. It was almost too easy. Jack knew he was a convincing liar and the news of how Chase had managed to escape had led Ramon to believe Chase was behind CTU's involvement anyway. Ramon had been willing to believe him – at least until he could test him again.

Ramon ordered him to keep Nina happy. She was very valuable to him now. Could Jack pretend? Could he convince her that she had nothing to fear from him? Jack had smiled and nodded.

Sure, he could convince her alright…

Ramon had laughed. "She is some piece of work, Jack, and I understand why you used to sleep with her. She reminds me of you…"

Jack kept smiling and laughed but as soon as Ramon had turned his back towards him his smile faded. He had felt such rage.

You're just like me…
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