Things Have Changed

Chapter Ten
Human Nature
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Jack had known from the very beginning of his affair with Nina that it wouldn't last – not that he had admitted it to himself at the time but everything became clearer looking back. It wasn't because of her – it was because who he was. The affair had been laced with feelings of guilt. After all he had been attracted to her before his separation, and that made him feel like he had been cheating on Teri even though he really thought a divorce was impending when he got involved with Nina. But he never stopped loving his wife and he never wanted his marriage to be over and that made him feel like he was just using Nina. And he had of course…

When he left her to go back to Teri he had felt even more guilty – and when he found out who and what Nina really was, what she was capable of… the guilt threatened to tear him apart and it had never stopped. Nina had told him everything about that long day and night and told him it never was personal but he still knew he was to blame. It was never personal for Nina but Victor Drazen and his sons had certainly targeted him for personal reasons. Payback for his horrible mistake…

Jack had never thought he believed in personal revenge – not until Nina had told him Kim was dead. The despair and the hate he felt at that moment overshadowed everything and emptying his clip on that dock was something he couldn't regret. He wouldn't have regretted killing Nina in the parking garage after he stopped her from escaping either… Not if he had killed her in Visalia either… For years he had been sure she was a monster. But even though he was sure there were real monsters in this world she had proved to him she wasn't one.

Everything had a rational explanation – she was always so rational. But there were the things she had done that revealed she was not always governed by her rationality. Those things reminded him of that she was very capable of feeling compassion. When she had told him about Tony for instance…

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Early morning in her tiny apartment in Jakarta. Morning traffic was heard through the window opening, bicycle bells and car horns and they were sitting in bed, wrapped in sheets, talking.

"Tony came to see me in prison…"

He looked up at her in surprise. "He never told me…"

She snorted. "Why would he? What could he have said? And you weren't with CTU then, were you?"

Jack shook his head. He had left CTU, sure he would never return. Alone and drinking he had been thinking up ways to either end his own life or how to avenge his wife's death. It wasn't like Tony was his friend – back then… "What did he want?"

"What everyone wanted..." She looked away. "What you wanted too, I guess... To know why..."

"Just that?"

Nina smiled sadly. "He wanted to know if I ever cared about him or if I just used him."

Jack stared at her intently. "And?"

She looked back at him, her eyes calmly staring into his. "I told him I had been using him and that he meant nothing to me."

Silence. Staring into her eyes and seeing the truth but not understanding why.

Suddenly she got up and walked to the window and he stared at her back as she moved the curtain to the side and peeked outside. He could tell she was very uneasy by how he had been able to find her. She would never return to Jakarta again.

She turned around and looked at him. She looked small, sad and tired in her nakedness.

He nodded. He understood.

He knew Tony as well as she did… Knowing how loyal he could be, how devoted he was to the people he loved, and he had been in love with Nina… She could have used that but instead she had let him go.
:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Strange how glimpses of humanity could feed his guilt. He was surprised that he could ever feel guilty over betraying her…

What he was forced to do in Mexico made the guilt unbearable and he felt yet another big part of himself (the final part?) die. He had fought the nausea and quickly wiped the sweat from his forehead using his sleeve. He had stopped being Jack Bauer. Wasn't that what he had planned all along? The letter he had left on his kitchen table for Kim…. The letter where he told her that if he went missing he didn't want to be found. She shouldn't worry about him and not try to look for him.

He had stared at Ramon's men who didn't dare to come closer. They somehow seemed to know he had crossed the final line and left him alone. Alone with his rage.

So he marched inside and betrayed her. In a hushed voice he fooled her. It wasn't difficult…

Let someone else kill her, he had thought. If you can't do it let someone else do it…

:-:-:-:-:-:-:
Two of Ramon's men, Alejo and Estéban, held her firmly, her arms twisted behind her back. Her yelling had stopped and now she just looked at him. Her eyes pleading with him to stop them, to rescue her. He just stared back, feeling satisfaction over seeing her scared. He had played along with her too long – it was time to end the game.

Ramon got out of the chair he was sitting in and smiled.

"Take her out back and shoot her!" Then he turned to Jack. "Unless Jack here has any objection?"

Jack kept staring at her, his face showed only indifference and then he shook his head and turned to Ramon. "No…no…" he answered almost absentminded.

When he looked at her again the look in her eyes had changed and now he saw disappointment and pain over his betrayal.

Good, now she will know how it feels to be betrayed, he thought. She will get what she deserves.

When he heard the two shots he closed his eyes. So it was over? He realized that he felt anything but satisfaction now… He almost felt sick when Ramon threw his arm around him and pulled him towards the other room.

"Let's get a drink, Jack", he laughed. "We have a lot to celebrate!"

The room was filled with Ramon's men and they all cheered when Ramon told them the good news about the money. Someone fired a gun and Jack flinched.

Ramon still had a steady grip around his shoulder and he laughed again and leaned closer to be heard in the noise that had broken out when more men started firing their guns. "You are too jumpy, Jack – I'll get you what you really need…"

He tried to shake his head but knew he would have to play along now.

"It's OK…" Ramon continued. "I'll tell José to bring you some good stuff… Now relax and be happy you are still alive, Jack. Tonight has been a success!"

A pat on the back and Ramon left him. Jack watched him walk around in the room, proud and happy… Just hours before he had killed his only brother and now…?

Jack almost felt sick again and when someone offered him a bottle he quickly downed a big mouthful of the strong liquor. He felt it burning his throat and kept the bottle. He moved over to the other end of the room and looked for Alejo and Estéban. He didn't see them anywhere.

They are burying her…

He took another sip and suddenly the thought of getting high didn't seem so bad.
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Being high. Even though it was so long ago he still remembered the rush - the tension and then the complete relaxation. How it had numbed all his feelings, turned him into a machine… It had been just what he needed, what he wanted and he had kept wanting it, needing it, for a long time.

Being high… Yeah, he remembered the feeling now, getting his high from her… Making love to her one last time as morning drew closer and closer.
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