A/N: Hey, look! An update =before= several weeks have gone by! Oh, I'm so
proud of me. Oodles of thanks to those who read and especially to those
who reviewed. Starting a part two is scary! You never know if you're
gonna lose people along the way. I'm glad you're still here---I should've
had more faith in you, of course, but authors are insecure like that. A
few of you commented on Al's RingVision, and asked whether I'll be using
them to cover the other characters in the story. But of course! That's
why I gave him that power in the first place. I've also decided I quite
like that name, "RingVision". It's cute. Cookies for LegosGrl, who first
came up with it.
Disclaimers: I don't own any hobbits. This is fictional. ...I hope.
Chapter 2: The Power of RingVision - - -
"Your boyfriend." Frodo raised an eyebrow.
Actually, my =ex= boyfriend. Try and pay attention, will you?
"Right." He eyed the writhing mass of gray skin, balding head, and wailing mouth full of rotting teeth. "Desperate, were we?"
Actually, yes, I was, okay?! I was in an underground cave for a hundred years with nobody else to talk to. I have =needs=! Needs that I can't satisfy myself, because I don't have =hands=. Besides, it was pitch black in the aforementioned underground cave. You won't believe how much less hideous he looks when there's no light. I broke up with him ages ago, anyway. He turned out to be a bit of an obsessive nutcase, in case you hadn't noticed.
"Mm-hmm. Well. The question is, what shall we do with him now? He has clearly shown that he is quite ready to kill to get you back, so we cannot just let him loose."
"I know what to do," Sam said, reaching down his trousers.
Oh, ew. "Sam, now is not the time!" Frodo admonished, sounding scandalized.
Sam ignored us and fiddled around inside his pants some more, before pulling out his hands triumphantly. "Aha!" He was holding the drawstring of his pants. "We can tie him up with this!"
There were no other suggestions, so for lack of anything else to do, we did. Frodo took Sam's drawstring (with a faint look of disgust) and quickly tied Gollum to a tree. "We will leave him there until sunrise," he decided. "We shall need our rest to face the next day. Let us ignore him and try to get back to sleep. We shan't deal with him until tomorrow"
Excellent plan, but easier said than done. Sam, of course, went back to sleep as though nothing had happened, but Frodo and I lay awake. Gollum made a racket, bitching and complaining one minute, screaming the next, professing his undying love for me over and over. It would have been almost flattering, if it weren't so obsessive and neurotic and annoying and pathetic and scary. His various bemoanings kept us awake for most of the night. Moments after I managed to fall asleep, daylight came. Frodo dragged us up with a yawn.
The three of us stood staring at the still-cursing Gollum. Silence. "So," Sam cleared his throat, "what shall we do now?"
There were no answers forthcoming.
Oh, hobbits. You lightweights. Let me handle this in the smooth and professional manner that only a being of an intelligence as high as mine can exude. There are only three main courses of action we can pursue. One: we can let him go. As Frodo has mentioned before, this is inadvisable, because he would just scamper off, hide behind a rock, then bash us over the head with another rock. So we scratch that. Two: we can kill him. It might seem a little harsh, but that's the one I vote for. Or, three: we bring him along. That's the one I most definitely do not vote for.
Frodo pursed his lips, turning over his options in his mind. "We cannot dally here for long. Until I've decided what to do, let us take him along with us. Sam, since the 'rope' is yours, you shall be the one to take hold of it. Simply loop it around his neck and use it as a leash."
We started to get a move on, but Gollum just wouldn't cut it with the noise. He kept on wailing, flopping around melodramatically and made occasional choking sounds. "It burnssssssses usss!!! The rope! (hack, cough) It BURNSSSSS!!!"
"Shut up!" Sam ordered, yanking on the leash so that Gollum fell flat onto his ugly face. "You'll attract every Orc in Mordor if you continue that!"
Gollum's response was another dramatic flop, then more strangled hacking. He pulled weakly at the rope around his neck, rolled his eyes back, and let out another "It BURNSSSSSSS!!!"
Oh, for fuck's sake, Gollum. Suck it up. It's a drawstring. It's practically a thread. And it's not even tied tightly. Look at me---I'm done up with a =metal chain= here.
Gollum looked up to glare at me. "Your metal chain hasn't been inside the fat hobbits's pantsesssss."
Okay, yeah, you got a point there. Hmm. Wow, ew, that's really gross.
"Mr. Frodo, this can't be allowed to go on! This Gollum creature is obviously out of control. We can't risk having him around. What if he gets his hands on the Ring? It would be all over! Let's just tie him up somewhere and leave him."
"But that would kill us!"
Yes, I think that was the point. But the leaving him to starve plan is too unreliable. Let's do it the direct way: let's stab him right here, right now.
"Perhaps he does deserve to die," Frodo commented, thinking about it. "And yet, I feel pity for him."
But this is an act of pity! It would be like a mercy killing!
Frodo growled, frustrated. "Argh! Why me? It is not enough that we must somehow get to Mount Doom without killing ourselves---"
"Gollum knows how!"
All eyes turned to him.
"Gollum knows how to get to Mount Doom! Yes, yesss. Gollum will take the master there! We swears it!"
"You know how to get us there," Frodo questioned sceptically.
"We can't trust it, Mr. Frodo," said Sam forcefully. "It's just waiting for a chance to kill us in our sleep!"
"What other choice to we have, Sam? We'll never find our way with you leadi---by ourselves. If he can promise," and here Frodo turned to address Gollum, "to keep his word, then we shall let him loose and allow him to guide us."
Gollum, sensing freedom was near, fairly drooled. "Yes, yesss, Master! We swears it! We swears upon...upon the preciousssss!"
Hey, whoa there. Leave me out of it.
Frodo ignored me. "The Ring will bind you to your word," he said sternly.
Fuck you. Leave me alone.
Frodo seemed satisfied enough that Gollum would be doing no head-bashing- with-rocks in the near future. He liberated Gollum from (ew) Sam's drawstring. Gollum leapt to the frontlines, excitedly gesticulating. "Thisss way, Master! Thisssss way!"
I groaned. We were pretty much doing the same thing as before---scrambling madly over rocks that all looked the same---but this time, at a much faster speed. After a while, it got boring. My mind wandered.
Using my powers of sight, I checked in on Merry and Pippin. For your information, your hobbit friends are still alive, I told Frodo. In fact, they seem to be having a better time than we are. Their terrain is a lovely shade of green. And they don't have to do any actual walking. Those Orc monster-things are giving them piggy-backs. What the hell? Why? If I were I bad guy and I kidnapped someone, I'd be harnessing them to a cart and making them pull me, or something. Those idiots.
"Can you talk to people over great distances also?" Frodo asked.
Yeah, but that'd be pretty stupid. My voice would be like a PA system--- all those nasty weapon-wielding demons would hear. So unless you want me to announce to our enemies that we're still alive and well, I wouldn't suggest it.
Frodo made some sort of 'I see, mm-hmm' comment, and then lapsed into silence. Damn, you're a good conversationalist, aren't you? Well, I'll just amuse myself with Merry and Pippin's plight. Let's see. They're travelling really fast because their leader is worried. They know that Aragorn and Co. are following them. I think the plan is to get as far away as possible, hide away come nightfall, and then roast the hobbits quickly. At least, I think they said roast. My Orcish is kinda rusty. I bet it's roast, because they're licking their lips and salivating. But don't you worry, Frodo. Our heroes are right on their path.
I only have to look a little bit to the east of the Orc procession to see Aragorn barging down a hill, wet and dirty hair in his face, manly and businesslike. And there's Legolas daintily scampering down after him, blonde hair streaming in the wind. Y'know, it boggles the mind. How do two people who have spent the last several months within the same two-foot radius manage to have such differing states of cleanliness??? And oh look, Gimli hasn't dropped dead from exhaustion yet. He's still huffing and puffing, intent on not being left more than a few kilometres behind.
Aragorn's tracking skills are impeccable. Man, that guy really impresses me sometimes. He's, like, sniffing the ground for clues. He's hot on their trail. He's---listening to rocks. Okay. That's just a little strange, but hey, whatever gets the job done, right?
In a very rare and no doubt unrepeatable stroke of genius, Pippin left his cloak pin on the ground for Aragorn to find. The cloak pins all of you got, remember, from that lady that I don't want to talk about, ever. And now Legolas spots it.
"I see something pretty and sparkly over there!" Legolas announced, pointing to a far-off knoll.
"Are you sure, my love? That's rather far away," Aragorn said doubtfully.
Legolas flipped his hair and gave his Ranger a 'puh-lease' kind of look. "Trust me. My elf eyes are able to spot even the most elusive of sparkly ornaments."
And so the two of them (three, if you count the dwarf a mile and a half behind) ran to the spot Legolas had pinpointed, and he was right, of course. There was Pippin's pin, slightly trampled but still as sparkly as ever.
"The leaves of Lórien do not fall lightly," Aragorn said, demonstrating his talent at alliterations.
Legolas nodded gravely. "They must be close!"
And, they're off again, dashing to save your friends.
"It sets my heart at ease knowing that Merry and Pippin are in such good hands," Frodo said.
Yeah. That's if they don't lose all the time they've gained by stopping for a little nookie in the bushes.
"Ring! I place complete trust in them. We're talking about the Prince of Mirkwood and the Man Who Will Be King. They know their priorities."
Hey, you've seen them too. You know what they're like. Clothes off and condoms on at the drop of a hat.
"They won't."
Uh-huh.
..."They won't, will they?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TBC
ps- I just gotta say, I really loved the movie scenes of Aragorn and Legolas (and Gimli) chasing after the evil hobbit-nappers. Loved the way they portrayed the spirit, the Holmes-esque excitement of the hunt...I kept on expecting Aragorn to turn around and say "The game's afoot, Watson!" That is all. Review time now.
Disclaimers: I don't own any hobbits. This is fictional. ...I hope.
Chapter 2: The Power of RingVision - - -
"Your boyfriend." Frodo raised an eyebrow.
Actually, my =ex= boyfriend. Try and pay attention, will you?
"Right." He eyed the writhing mass of gray skin, balding head, and wailing mouth full of rotting teeth. "Desperate, were we?"
Actually, yes, I was, okay?! I was in an underground cave for a hundred years with nobody else to talk to. I have =needs=! Needs that I can't satisfy myself, because I don't have =hands=. Besides, it was pitch black in the aforementioned underground cave. You won't believe how much less hideous he looks when there's no light. I broke up with him ages ago, anyway. He turned out to be a bit of an obsessive nutcase, in case you hadn't noticed.
"Mm-hmm. Well. The question is, what shall we do with him now? He has clearly shown that he is quite ready to kill to get you back, so we cannot just let him loose."
"I know what to do," Sam said, reaching down his trousers.
Oh, ew. "Sam, now is not the time!" Frodo admonished, sounding scandalized.
Sam ignored us and fiddled around inside his pants some more, before pulling out his hands triumphantly. "Aha!" He was holding the drawstring of his pants. "We can tie him up with this!"
There were no other suggestions, so for lack of anything else to do, we did. Frodo took Sam's drawstring (with a faint look of disgust) and quickly tied Gollum to a tree. "We will leave him there until sunrise," he decided. "We shall need our rest to face the next day. Let us ignore him and try to get back to sleep. We shan't deal with him until tomorrow"
Excellent plan, but easier said than done. Sam, of course, went back to sleep as though nothing had happened, but Frodo and I lay awake. Gollum made a racket, bitching and complaining one minute, screaming the next, professing his undying love for me over and over. It would have been almost flattering, if it weren't so obsessive and neurotic and annoying and pathetic and scary. His various bemoanings kept us awake for most of the night. Moments after I managed to fall asleep, daylight came. Frodo dragged us up with a yawn.
The three of us stood staring at the still-cursing Gollum. Silence. "So," Sam cleared his throat, "what shall we do now?"
There were no answers forthcoming.
Oh, hobbits. You lightweights. Let me handle this in the smooth and professional manner that only a being of an intelligence as high as mine can exude. There are only three main courses of action we can pursue. One: we can let him go. As Frodo has mentioned before, this is inadvisable, because he would just scamper off, hide behind a rock, then bash us over the head with another rock. So we scratch that. Two: we can kill him. It might seem a little harsh, but that's the one I vote for. Or, three: we bring him along. That's the one I most definitely do not vote for.
Frodo pursed his lips, turning over his options in his mind. "We cannot dally here for long. Until I've decided what to do, let us take him along with us. Sam, since the 'rope' is yours, you shall be the one to take hold of it. Simply loop it around his neck and use it as a leash."
We started to get a move on, but Gollum just wouldn't cut it with the noise. He kept on wailing, flopping around melodramatically and made occasional choking sounds. "It burnssssssses usss!!! The rope! (hack, cough) It BURNSSSSS!!!"
"Shut up!" Sam ordered, yanking on the leash so that Gollum fell flat onto his ugly face. "You'll attract every Orc in Mordor if you continue that!"
Gollum's response was another dramatic flop, then more strangled hacking. He pulled weakly at the rope around his neck, rolled his eyes back, and let out another "It BURNSSSSSSS!!!"
Oh, for fuck's sake, Gollum. Suck it up. It's a drawstring. It's practically a thread. And it's not even tied tightly. Look at me---I'm done up with a =metal chain= here.
Gollum looked up to glare at me. "Your metal chain hasn't been inside the fat hobbits's pantsesssss."
Okay, yeah, you got a point there. Hmm. Wow, ew, that's really gross.
"Mr. Frodo, this can't be allowed to go on! This Gollum creature is obviously out of control. We can't risk having him around. What if he gets his hands on the Ring? It would be all over! Let's just tie him up somewhere and leave him."
"But that would kill us!"
Yes, I think that was the point. But the leaving him to starve plan is too unreliable. Let's do it the direct way: let's stab him right here, right now.
"Perhaps he does deserve to die," Frodo commented, thinking about it. "And yet, I feel pity for him."
But this is an act of pity! It would be like a mercy killing!
Frodo growled, frustrated. "Argh! Why me? It is not enough that we must somehow get to Mount Doom without killing ourselves---"
"Gollum knows how!"
All eyes turned to him.
"Gollum knows how to get to Mount Doom! Yes, yesss. Gollum will take the master there! We swears it!"
"You know how to get us there," Frodo questioned sceptically.
"We can't trust it, Mr. Frodo," said Sam forcefully. "It's just waiting for a chance to kill us in our sleep!"
"What other choice to we have, Sam? We'll never find our way with you leadi---by ourselves. If he can promise," and here Frodo turned to address Gollum, "to keep his word, then we shall let him loose and allow him to guide us."
Gollum, sensing freedom was near, fairly drooled. "Yes, yesss, Master! We swears it! We swears upon...upon the preciousssss!"
Hey, whoa there. Leave me out of it.
Frodo ignored me. "The Ring will bind you to your word," he said sternly.
Fuck you. Leave me alone.
Frodo seemed satisfied enough that Gollum would be doing no head-bashing- with-rocks in the near future. He liberated Gollum from (ew) Sam's drawstring. Gollum leapt to the frontlines, excitedly gesticulating. "Thisss way, Master! Thisssss way!"
I groaned. We were pretty much doing the same thing as before---scrambling madly over rocks that all looked the same---but this time, at a much faster speed. After a while, it got boring. My mind wandered.
Using my powers of sight, I checked in on Merry and Pippin. For your information, your hobbit friends are still alive, I told Frodo. In fact, they seem to be having a better time than we are. Their terrain is a lovely shade of green. And they don't have to do any actual walking. Those Orc monster-things are giving them piggy-backs. What the hell? Why? If I were I bad guy and I kidnapped someone, I'd be harnessing them to a cart and making them pull me, or something. Those idiots.
"Can you talk to people over great distances also?" Frodo asked.
Yeah, but that'd be pretty stupid. My voice would be like a PA system--- all those nasty weapon-wielding demons would hear. So unless you want me to announce to our enemies that we're still alive and well, I wouldn't suggest it.
Frodo made some sort of 'I see, mm-hmm' comment, and then lapsed into silence. Damn, you're a good conversationalist, aren't you? Well, I'll just amuse myself with Merry and Pippin's plight. Let's see. They're travelling really fast because their leader is worried. They know that Aragorn and Co. are following them. I think the plan is to get as far away as possible, hide away come nightfall, and then roast the hobbits quickly. At least, I think they said roast. My Orcish is kinda rusty. I bet it's roast, because they're licking their lips and salivating. But don't you worry, Frodo. Our heroes are right on their path.
I only have to look a little bit to the east of the Orc procession to see Aragorn barging down a hill, wet and dirty hair in his face, manly and businesslike. And there's Legolas daintily scampering down after him, blonde hair streaming in the wind. Y'know, it boggles the mind. How do two people who have spent the last several months within the same two-foot radius manage to have such differing states of cleanliness??? And oh look, Gimli hasn't dropped dead from exhaustion yet. He's still huffing and puffing, intent on not being left more than a few kilometres behind.
Aragorn's tracking skills are impeccable. Man, that guy really impresses me sometimes. He's, like, sniffing the ground for clues. He's hot on their trail. He's---listening to rocks. Okay. That's just a little strange, but hey, whatever gets the job done, right?
In a very rare and no doubt unrepeatable stroke of genius, Pippin left his cloak pin on the ground for Aragorn to find. The cloak pins all of you got, remember, from that lady that I don't want to talk about, ever. And now Legolas spots it.
"I see something pretty and sparkly over there!" Legolas announced, pointing to a far-off knoll.
"Are you sure, my love? That's rather far away," Aragorn said doubtfully.
Legolas flipped his hair and gave his Ranger a 'puh-lease' kind of look. "Trust me. My elf eyes are able to spot even the most elusive of sparkly ornaments."
And so the two of them (three, if you count the dwarf a mile and a half behind) ran to the spot Legolas had pinpointed, and he was right, of course. There was Pippin's pin, slightly trampled but still as sparkly as ever.
"The leaves of Lórien do not fall lightly," Aragorn said, demonstrating his talent at alliterations.
Legolas nodded gravely. "They must be close!"
And, they're off again, dashing to save your friends.
"It sets my heart at ease knowing that Merry and Pippin are in such good hands," Frodo said.
Yeah. That's if they don't lose all the time they've gained by stopping for a little nookie in the bushes.
"Ring! I place complete trust in them. We're talking about the Prince of Mirkwood and the Man Who Will Be King. They know their priorities."
Hey, you've seen them too. You know what they're like. Clothes off and condoms on at the drop of a hat.
"They won't."
Uh-huh.
..."They won't, will they?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TBC
ps- I just gotta say, I really loved the movie scenes of Aragorn and Legolas (and Gimli) chasing after the evil hobbit-nappers. Loved the way they portrayed the spirit, the Holmes-esque excitement of the hunt...I kept on expecting Aragorn to turn around and say "The game's afoot, Watson!" That is all. Review time now.