Winter Mornings' Ghosts
By: Lil' Amethyst Angel
It snowed again last night. The ground is blanketed with white flakes, sparkling like stardust in the early morning sunlight. He can feel the cold biting at his warmed skin as he walks through the desolate field. He stops suddenly, decidedly contented with the spot. He has kept his thoughts from straying to any serious matter, focusing on finding a suitable destination for quiet contemplation. He finds this place appropriate. This is where he fell to his knees, all those days ago, the grief finally weighing him down. He ignores the sharp stab of pain the memory brings. Instead of pushing away the raw memory, he embraces it.
When he was flailing around in the snow that morning, his thoughts were rushing around in his head, crashing against each other, blurring in a whirlwind of confusion. It wasn't until much later that he was calm enough to think a sensible thought. Truthfully, he had avoided thinking about Neil as much as possible until today. Today he will allow his thoughts to slip into the dangerous territory.
He stands still in his place, staring at the glittering snow, letting the frigid air wash over him. He stands and he stares and he wonders 'what if…'.
What if he had gone to check on Neil that night? He would have crept over to Charlie's room and made Charlie give him directions on where to go. He would sneak over to Neil's house, maybe borrowing Knox's bicycle. He would have made it there in time to stop Neil from- in time to stop him. He would have stood in front of Neil, in front of whoever had taken over his friend's body at that moment, and smile and offer words of comfort, hope… pretty lies. And then Neil would have put down the gun and everything would have been okay. Everything would be fine. But Todd knew that wasn't true. Even if he stood in front of Neil and begged him to stop, pleaded and cried and raged, Neil wouldn't have. Neil would raise the gun to his temple, smile in a way only Neil could, and pull the trigger. Because once Neil had his mind set to do something he did it. Neil wanted to die, so he did.
This should have provided comfort, knowing that he could have never made a difference even if he was there, but it didn't. It only provides more tears, more sadness, more pain. Neil wanted to die. Just thinking the sentence kills him a little. Neil, who was so full of life, wanted to die. He can feel hot tears gathering at the corners of his eyes, but blinks them away furiously. He doesn't want to cry anymore. He's done too much of it already. He swallows back his grief and continues to silently observe his surroundings.
He can see ghosts of the past everywhere, laughing, running, playing, talking. He can see Neil everywhere. Sometimes he forgets what he's seeing isn't real. He'll see that bright grin that could always make him feel better no matter what, and he'll have a moment where he's so happy, because Neil's there. Then the image fades and Neil isn't there, never was. He sometimes worries he's going crazy, but he figures it wouldn't be so bad if he was. After all, then he would get to see Neil all the time, even if he was just a figment of his worn mind.
When Neil was still alive, he would sometimes worry that Neil would just burn out one day. Someone who loved life so much, embraced it so fully could not last. Such a person was much too fragile. Neil possessed a fire and fire was not eternal. It is easy to douse. He knew one day that fire would begin to flicker and go out. He knew, but he still couldn't accept it. He still can't grasp it. He still expects to wake up to Neil's warm face each morning, to hear his gentle, light-hearted laugh, to feel strong arms wrap around his shoulder in a silent comfort. He still expects Neil to be there, and every time he's not, it's the worst feeling he could ever conceive. Well, perhaps that's not completely true. There's one feeling he knows is worse. It's the feeling of being lost, and knowing you'll never be found. It's so incredibly hopeless that you just need to give up. That feeling, it kills something inside you. It killed something inside Neil and Neil couldn't go on living without that something.
He wants to be mad at Neil. He wants so very badly to hate him. But he can't. He could never hate Neil, as much as he yearns to. He knows Neil did not make this decision lightly. It may have seemed sudden, and it was, but it was not flippant. Neil's dreams were ripped away from him. Neil lived off his dreams, they kept his spirit alive. Without those dreams, Neil's world fell apart and that feeling, that cursed, disgusting, lost feeling, shattered what pieces were left. He can't be hate Neil for pulling that trigger because he knows, if he had his last shred of hope taken away, he would have done the same thing. A important as Neil was to him, he still has hope, the hope Neil left him with, and so he won't let go just yet. He thinks Neil knew that too.
He and Neil had something special. People could try to understand their relationship, but he knew they never would. Lovers, friends, brothers- they were so much more than that. What they had was something so beyond anything that could be described in words. It was untouchable by anyone else. Knowing that what Neil shared with him could never die made him so unbelievably happy, yet so profoundly sad. It was a bittersweet reminder of something he would never again be able to have with another person.
He feels a hand on his shoulder and knows it's Charlie, even though he hasn't turned and Charlie hasn't spoken.
He turns and throws Charlie a sad smile.
"Are you okay, Todd?" Charlie asks, his soft voice cutting through the quiet of morning.
"Yeah. I'm okay."
And he is.