A/N: First and foremost, I wanna say a big thank you to SireenC, who gave me a lovely review that left me smiling for hours. I just love it when I rope in a newbie. Secondly, congratulations and best wishes to Chaosti, who is all grown up and spreading her wings now (I've given you so many good wishes, they =have= to add up and come into effect at some point, right?). And thirdly, has anyone seen "The Bourne Supremacy"? Karl Urban was in that. He didn't really impress me as Eomer, but I thought he was awesome in "Bourne Supremacy"---he should just play gun-toting badasses from now on.

Disclaimers: The guilt of violating copyright laws is punishment enough; there's no need to sue me.

Chapter 6: Garden Gnomes on Crack - - -

Aha! Just as I suspected. Frodo, there's no need for you to worry. Your friends are still as alive as ever. They're in some sort of dark forest. The big, old type, with big old trees everywhere. And moss. And vines. Just really green things, in general. They're on one of the trees, actually.

"Ask them if they're alright," Frodo orders.

Hey, you guys okay?

"Oh my god, who's there?" Merry screeched, twisting around in terror.

Whoa, relax. It's me, Al.

"Did you hear that, Pippin? Did you hear that?! It's MeeY'ale, the most fearsome of the old forest beasts, with long, gnashing teeth and skin covered with thorns and nostrils that shoot poison!" And then both of them started freaking out, screaming girlishly and writhing around.

Oh, for the love of--- Listen. It's me. The Ring.

"Merry!" Pippin shrieked. "THE RING!!! It's killed Frodo and now it's taking over our minds!!!!!"

=What= minds? Listen to me, okay? I have not killed Frodo, and I am not taking over your supposed "minds". Frodo asked me to make sure you're alright. What are you doing, anyway? Why the hell are you riding a walking tree???

Both Merry and Pippin started talking at once. "Okay, last night we were with the Orcs, and they wanted to eat us, but not all of them wanted to eat us, only some of them wanted to eat us, so there was a big fight over whether they should eat us, and then all these horses came out of nowhere, and the riders of the horses jumped into the fight, so it was really messy, so we had a chance to escape, which we did, and we ran into the forest that was nearby, but an Orc was still chasing us, so we kept running to get away from it, and it was catching up to us, so we climbed onto a tree to escape from it, but we couldn't escape, and we were screaming, and then all of a sudden the tree opened its eyes and killed the Orc, but now the tree thinks we're Orcs too, so it's taking us with it until it decides on what to do with us, which is why we're in the tree, because it won't let go of us, and it's walking around the forest holding onto us, and it won't let go of us."

Oh god, I need an aspirin.

There was a long silence during which I tried to stop the ringing in my ears.

"So---"

No, please don't talk. Pause. How about we let the tree talk? Hi, I'm a disembodied voice. What are you?

"My name is Treebeard. I am an Ent: a tree-herder, a shepherd of the forest," the tree replied in a low, groaning voice.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold up. You herd =trees=?! Damn, your job must be tough, shepherding those trees. You gotta make sure them delinquent trees don't up and run off on you.

"Nobody respects me anymore," he moaned. "Nobody cares for the woods anymore... Everybody just hacks and chops, with their axes and their hate. Nobody is on our side anymore."

Oh, boohoo. You wanna hear =my= sob story?

"No. Begone, Disembodied Voice. I have much work to do. I must bring these little strangelings to the White Wizard."

Merry's and Pippin's eye's widened. They looked like they were about to start babbling again, so I interjected.

Hey, Old Tree Man, look, um...taking them to Saruman probably isn't a really good idea right now. You see---

"Too late."

Up ahead, I could see a distinguished white glow that definitely indicated the White Wizard. But his silhouette seemed a bit off. Or very off. Hey, I don't think that's the White Wizard. In fact, I think---

A loud, wet, squishy sound brought my attention from the forest and back to our current reality.

Frodo? What the fuck is going on? Why are we stepping into a SWAMP?!?!

"Gollum has brought us out of the rocks and closer to the heart of Mordor, as promised," Frodo informed me.

"Yeah," Sam looked smug, "we are close to Mount Doom now, and getting ever closer; to the mountain, its fire, and your destruction."

Oh. Shit.

Gollum sidled up close to Frodo (who gave him a weird look and tried to shift away, but couldn't due to the narrowness of the path). "My precioussssssssss...Gollum knows a way to save you. We promisessss to keep you alive, if you promise to stay with us forever."

Ew, no, I'd rather die, thank you.

"Fine." Gollum turned and flounced down the marshy path. "This way!" he beckoned with a wave of his hand. "This way to Mount Doom! Gollum knows the safe route!"

Great. We're making our way across a deadly bog filled with corpses following the guidance of an anorexic psychopath who's wearing nothing but a loincloth. What could possibly be worse---hey, Frodo? Why are we leaning waaaaaay over the water? Uh, Frodo?

FRODO?!?!?!

::splash::

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