A/N: Aww, damn damn damn damn damn. Back to school. I don't waaaaaaaanna! Why did summer have to go away? WHY?!?!?! You would not believe how much school is demanding out of me---a person only has so much to give! So, yes, unfortunately, the only-updated-once-every-month-or-so-ness will come back. Sorry; I love you all, but I love my honours marks too. Oh, one more thing, before I forget. I've been struggling with the decision of whether to follow the books' version of events, or the movies'. They differ the most in book two, and after exhaustive thought, I've decided to stick with the movies. Plot-wise, anyhow...I'm going for the books' characterizations still, but everything else will be based mostly on the movies. By everything else, I mean stuff like the spelling of Grima Wormtongue's name and the tricky business of Haldir's death. I figure more people here have seen the movies than read the books, and it'll just be less confusing for all involved.

Chapter 7: Beyond the Dead Marshes - - -

Sinking slowly but surely down into the slime-infested water, my thoughts raced frantically. I'd heard somewhere that all hobbits were really bad swimmers. Meaning Frodo would drown. And since I was stuck on a chain, he'd take me down with him, all the way down to the bottom. I really didn't want to go through that again. Especially since this time, there are about a bazillion dead bodies down here with me. There are few things more traumatizing than being stuck underwater with rotting corpses for centuries. Okay, there are actually lots of things more traumatizing...Aragorn and Legolas have shown me most of them, too. But still, the prospect of living indefinitely in cold, murky water surrounded by dead bodies isn't fun. In fact---

We were dragged out of the water suddenly, and Frodo was deposited coughing and sputtering onto firm land. I turned to look at our saviour.

"Master must be more careful! Yesss, much more careful. Good thing we were here to save Master and the preciousssssss."

Quick, Frodo, jump back in!

Sam batted me away. Either that, or he was reaching for Frodo's nipple. ...Let's pretend he was batting me away.

"Are you alright, Mr. Frodo? Are you hurt? Do you require medical attention? Or perhaps a hug?"

"No, no. Sam, I said no. Would you stop holding me so tightly? I'm quite alright. It was just a little tumble. I merely got disoriented by the corpses and the strange lights. Let's just keep on."

Our little party continued on, picking our way through the marshes.

I'm cold.

"So am I. Now be quiet," Frodo told me.

I'm wet.

"I'm wetter."

I'm miserable.

"I'm more miserable than you could ever possibly imagine."

I'm being bodily carried to my death.

"Well I'm---Dammit, Ring, how do you always drag me into these senseless squabbles?"

Ooh, Frodo swore!

Frodo looked around for something to bang his head on. All he found was Sam, giving him the sympathetic 'The Ring must be such a burden' look and offering yet another hug. Before Frodo had to let him down yet again, Gollum's gratingly annoying voice crowed in the distance.

"We have reached the end of the marshessssssssssss!"

Hitting solid land was the only good thing that happened all day. We literally just collapsed onto the ground, too tired to move on. I take it that this is where we're camping for the night?

Frodo raised his head a little. "Unless you want to carry us to a different location, for a change?"

No, I'm good.

We settled in, dozing on and off as darkness set in. I was just in that pleasant state of fuzziness, right before falling asleep, when everything was kind of hazy, when I heard...a sound. A kind of squishy, wet sound. I looked around my limited field of vision. Frodo's bed roll took up most of it. I could see the moon, and part of Gollum's back further away. The noise didn't really seem to come from any of that. The sound got more urgent as I looked around. They got quicker, more rhythmic. And then Sam gave a muffled groan. I gathered all my strength and pulled my self up to peer over Frodo's shoulder.

Oh. My. Fuck.

Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod.

Frodo! I hissed, trying not to attract Sam's attention.

"Wha?" He asked blurrily, sounding very tired.

I think Sam is jerking off!

Frodo's eyes snapped open. "What?" he whispered furiously. It wasn't really all that quiet or discreet, but Sam was so far along in his, uh, activities that he wouldn't notice.

Your loyal friend is whacking away in his sleeping bag, probably while fantasizing about you, I informed him clearly.

Frodo scrambled up and away. He looked around, carefully avoiding the moaning lump that was Sam. "Gollum!"

He fairly ran over to Gollum. "Sméagol!"

Gollum turned from whatever the hell he was doing to glare at Frodo. "What did you call me?"

"Sméagol, Gollum, old buddy. Let's talk about your past. Your very long and complicated past that will keep me from my bed for a lengthy period. And if you finish early, you can start all over again, from the beginning!" Frodo sat down next to him.

It was a looooooooong night.

Gollum was into his third re-telling of his sordid past (funny, it was different each time...) when the sun's first rays finally appeared.

Frodo, I think I want to die. Anything to get me out of this nightmare. I want to be pitched into the hottest fires in Mount Doom.

"I want to jump in with you," Frodo agreed, his eyes bloodshot from staying up all night. He took a quick glance at Sam, who was thankfully still. "How will I ever face him today?"

I don't know, man. Your problem. I'm gonna check in with Strider.

So saying, I took my mind far, far away.

Hey guys, 'sup? And yes, for your information, Aragorn, we are all of us still alive, thankyouverymuch.

"As are Merry and Pippin," Gimli said, as though this was some sort of great news.

Yeah, I know. I checked in with them just yesterday.

"Well then ya could've saved us the trouble of tracking them all this way," Gimli groused.

"This forest is old," Legolas announced. "Very old."

...Um. Yeah. What gave that away, Captain Obvious? The fact that one tree trunk is wider than you are tall?

"Ring," Aragorn said in a 'don't mess with my elfie-welfie, even if he is retarded' tone of voice. "Do you know of any other useful information that can help us find the hobbits?"

Well, now that you mention it, I do. They were taken to the White Wizard, except the dude I saw wasn't Saruman. Actually, he kinda looked like...he kinda looked like the guy currently sneaking up on you right now.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli all whipped around.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TBC

ps- This chapter was kind of crappy...in my opinion, anyways. It was rushed, and you can really tell in some parts. I did my best under the circumstances. Once again, I'm really sorry that updates won't be quick or regular anymore. There's nothing like a good review to get me motivated though...::hint hint::