A/N: Happy holidays to one and all! Thanks and leftover Christmas cookies go to those who read and reviewed the last chapter. …And that's all I have to say ::gasp!:: The shortest author's notes ever in the history of "Alfonso the Ring"!!! Wait, wait, false alarm. There is one more thing: I've said it before, but I wanna reiterate. The whole deal with Grima/Grimer Wormtongue's name? I'm spelling it Grima. If anyone has a big issue with this, take it up with Tolkein's estates while I laugh at how pathetic your life is.

Disclaimers: Sometimes, when a mommy fic and a daddy fic love each other veeery much, they get together and have a baby fic…and I have no idea what I'm trying to say.

Chapter 10: Edoras - - -

So, like I said, I had to get the hell out of there, if not in body then at least in mind. It wouldn't do for me to get so riled up that I actually kill the motherfucker, because then Sam would have more of an argument for his 'see, the Ring is evil and we have to kill it!' case.

I made the mistake of dropping in on our trusty mounted protagonists, though. Aragorn was just way too happy. Which was to be expected, of course. I mean, he had everything needed to make a Ranger happy: he was in the great outdoors, he hadn't bathed for weeks, he looked really rugged, he was getting plenty of exercise, and he was on a mission to rescue people and be a hero.

"Hiya, Ring! How's it going?"

Don't even start, Strider, because I am so not in the mood. I just got betrayed by a midget, with whom I was actually in love a few months ago. In fact, I wouldn't even be on this little adventure, if it weren't for Frodo's dastardly charms. I could still be happily living in retired comfort with his uncle, but I left him because his nephew was just too fucking pretty. Now, said nephew has sided with his gardener for chrissakes, and they want to kill me. The only chance I have of escaping my situation is if I get back together with my ex, and you're not listening to a word I'm saying. You're just sitting there, ignoring me, staring at a hill with a bunch of huts on it.

"That's Edoras and the Golden Hall of Meduseld," Gandalf informed me sagely.

Yeah, I know, you poseur. I've known since before your grandfather was still in diapers, or do you forget who's your elder and your better?

Gandalf ignored me and continued talking to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. "Saruman's hold over King Theoden is very strong, and getting stronger with each passing day."

Oh, yeah, that reminds me—I've got a little reconnaissance info for you. I just found out, firsthand, that the Big Guy is amassing huge, and I mean HUGE, armies. They're numbering in the hundred-thousands, and every single one is armed to the teeth.

Legolas looked grim.

Hey, what do you have to be grim about? Out of all of us here, you're the only one who doesn't have anything to frown about. No one's out to hurl you into a fire, no one's going to force you to become king when you don't want to be, you're not old, you're not short and ugly, and no one's riding on your back. Plus, you're frickin' immortal, and you're getting laid on a regular basis. Think about poor little me, out there with no one but a hairless gremlin, a fucktard, and Princess Frodo to keep me company.

Legolas rolled his eyes and flipped his silken hair over his shoulder. The horsemen sat looking at Edoras for a few more moments, and then started to ride through the city gates.

Hey, look! Even all of the peasants living way below the poverty line are cleaner than you, Aragorn!

Legolas took a look around. "They are all staring at us," Legolas whispered to his love-bunny.

Gee, I wonder why. Could it be the fact that they don't usually see a bunch of freaks riding into town straight out of a really crappy children's fairytale?

They rode on through, under the close scrutiny of a hundred glowering townsfolk. At the front of the Golden Hall, they were stopped by a buff guard who looked vaguely reminiscent of a cross between Aragorn and Gimli, and ew, that's something I don't want to think about.

"I cannot allow you to enter so armed," the buff guard told them. "By order of Grima Wormtongue."

Ew, that loser's around?!

"Don't tell me you used to date him too…" Gandalf muttered with obvious distaste.

Gah, GOD NO. I would never ever ever ever ever ever date a loser like that!

Gandalf coughed. "Gollum…?"

Dammit, the cave was dark, okay? Stop alluding to that period of my life. I'm not proud of it.

Of course, my side of that exchange was unheard by the guard, because I didn't include him in it. So he ended up thinking Gandalf was a senile schizoid. Which was actually really good for him in the long run, because while everyone else had to disarm themselves, he got to keep his magic staff. The guards were too afraid that he would go into some sort of schizophrenic attack if they took away his stick.

They entered the castle, and were immediately tailed by a bunch of grungy-looking people. They look kinda like your drinking buddies or something, Aragorn. I bet they don't bathe much eith—EWWW! It's him!!! Gross! The one toady in the world who kisses more ass than Sam! Fucking sycophant!

"Why should I welcome you?" the king questioned Gandalf, apparently in response to something the wizard said that I missed entirely because I was too absorbed by the aura of ugliness that only Grima Wormtongue could exude.

"A just question, my liege," Wormtongue said with false sincerity spread thickly, like really noxious butter.

Ew! I just can't stand professional head-nodders. Snipe him, Gandalf, snipe him!

"I have not passed through fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm."

Oookay, not quite the scathing retort I would've gone for, butI like theuse of alliteration at the end, there.

"His staff!" Grima freaked, "Someone was supposed to get his staff!"

The guards immediately tripped over themselves, trying to get at Gandalf's staff. Our heroes, of course, can't let that happen, so they fought the guards off, and the ever-familiar scene of a scuffle broke out.

Hey, congratulations, Aragorn! And Legolas, you too! You guys managed to be in a populated region for all of ten whole minutes before getting into a brawl! This must be some sort of record!

Needless to say, the guards were all beaten off, because they really didn't stand a chance. Between Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, they had more fighting experience than all of those guards put together. The funny thing is, most of that fighting experience came from fighting amongst each other.

Gandalf, meanwhile, was busying himself with exorcising King Theoden. Saruman was using him like a metaphorical puppet, so Gandalf had to get Saruman's metaphorical hand out of Theoden's metaphorical ass. He struck forward with his staff.

"You will never succeed! I am stronger than you!"

Gandalf ignored him and struck again.

"If I go, Theoden dies!"

Gandalf muttered something and continued.

"Rohan is mine!"

Again, Gandalf, simply continued.

Seeing that none of his taunts were actually working, Saruman began to get personal. "You stole my stick!"

No answer, just another strike with said stick.

"And my clothes!"

::THWACK::

"Ow!!!"

One could practically see Saruman's hand flying out from up Theoden's ass. It was really impressive. It almost made me start to sort of respect Gandalf's ability.

Theoden slumped in his throne, presumably exhausted from the whole ordeal. A really hot girl ran into the room and took his hand in hers.

Wait, that's not his wife, is it?!?!

"That is Eowyn, his niece," Gandalf informed me.

Oh. Is she single?

He ignored me.

Eowyn laughed with delight to find that her uncle had free will once more.

Here's how you can tell Theoden's really a good person: first thing he does as a being with free will is throw Grima Wormtongue out. Like, literally. He found two guards who weren't knocked unconscious by Aragorn and Legolas, and he got them to toss the fucker out the door.

"But I've only ever served you, my Lord!" he cried, stringy hair hanging in his grovelling face.

The king roared, grabbed his sword, and made for Wormtongue.

I say you stab him.

He looked up at the sound of my voice. "What the hell was that???"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TBC

ps- I'm kinda disappointed with how this chapter turned out. I hate to put up a mediocre chapter when the last one was really good, because then it's just even worse in comparison. Oh well. I could've done worse. ::eyes chapter eight:: I have done worse. I swear on my left arm that the next one will be better. Promise.