"Sasuke's Fortune Cookies"
By: DarkSeductress
Fandom: Naruto
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Naruto. They are Kishimoto-sama's creations.
Summary: Sasuke Uchiha believes in the power of fortune cookies. Here's why...
Pairings: None. Maybe some light allusions to Sasuke/Naruto and Orochimaru/Sasuke
Author's Note: This was written as an entry for the Fortune Cookie challenge on the fanfics community at If you happen to be a member of the community, slip on over to this address below and vote for me!
http/ Hyuuga of the Hyuuga Branch Family believed in predestination. Nothing happened spontaneously. The threads of fate could not be changed. At least that's what he believed until Naruto Uzumaki, a.k.a. dead last, beat the hell out of Neji during the Chuunin Exam, and all because Neji called him a loser. But that is for another story.
Sasuke Uchiha the surviving member and sole heir of the Uchiha Clan believed in fortune cookies. Nothing momentous happened in his life without him receiving a fortune cookie telling him what path he should take.
The first time it happened was the day Itachi decided to go bat-shit crazy, for a reasons that Sasuke was sure only fellow sociopaths could comprehend, and kill the whole Uchiha clan. Then 8 year old Sasuke had happened across a baked goods stand and saw a basket with one lone fortune cookie. Sasuke had found it odd. One lone cookie. (Never mind the fact that fortune cookies are Chinese.) Suddenly developing a sweet tooth and not being able to rest, Sasuke bought the lone fortune cookie. He eagerly cracked it open and plucked one half in his mouth. Munching the half carefully, he proceeded to read his fortune:
You will have social problems
within your home.
"That's odd," chibi-Sasuke had mumbled to himself. "Aren't fortune cookies supposed to say good things..."
Sasuke stared up at the old lady of the stand, who was now closing up, "Granny-chan, I think something's wrong with my fortune. It says something bad."
The old lady paused, "Let me see that." The lady studied it. Then she read it aloud again. Then she turned a grin to Sasuke that prominently displayed her missing teeth, "There ain't nothing wrong with this, brat."
Sasuke frowned as he took the slip of paper from her out-stretched hand, "But fortunes are supposed to say good things. This one is bad." The word bad was drawn out into a whine. "I want another one!" He demanded.
"There ain't another one," the old woman snapped. "Heed the warning, brat. My cookies never lie."
"But, Granny-chan-" Sasuke's whine stopped short as the woman quickly finished packing her stand and hobbled off.
Sasuke glared at the old woman's back, hands clenched at his side. He wanted to chase her down and kick her behind her knee, but that wouldn't be nice. His mother wouldn't like it if she heard he had kicked a hapless old woman for simply giving him a faulty fortune.
So instead Sasuke pouted with a sigh and read his fortune again. There were never any social problems in his home, besides Itachi and his father of course. But that wasn't really problem. They'd work it out. Itachi was the clan genius.
So on chibi-Sasuke trotted towards the Uchiha estate and well...we all know what he found. Blood and dead bodies and more blood and more dead bodies and a very disturbed Itachi ranting and raving about Sasuke hating him and getting strong over their parents' bodies.
Yes, there had been social problems within Sasuke's home. Looking back, Sasuke blamed the lone fortune cookie and the ugly old hag. If he hadn't got that damn cookie, maybe Itachi wouldn't have killed their whole clan.
But Sasuke, like most young shinobi, didn't learn his lesson about buying lone fortune cookies from ugly hags or accept the fact that fortune cookies would dictate his existence until the third time around. You know what they say, the third time's a charm. Sasuke was sure he read that on a fortune somewhere too.
The second time it happened was the day of genin team assignments. It was going to be a day from hell Sasuke was sure, so he was looking even more sour. On his way to the academy, Sasuke happened across a very familiar looking baked goods stand and once again saw a basket with a lone fortune cookie. Sasuke stared at the cookie and then at the old woman, whom he remembered from that night. He glared at her grin. More missing teeth, if possible, and more wrinkles.
"Do you want it?" The hag inquired, cackling madly.
Sasuke's glare turned fiercer, "I don't know...The last time I got one of those damn things from you...something happened..." Sasuke refused to elaborate.
"Told ya my cookies never lie." She cackled again, spit spraying from her mouth.
Sasuke grimaced with disgust, taking a step back from the line of fire.
"How 'bout I give ya this one for free, brat? On the house, since the last one caused ya so much trouble." She cackled offering the cookie to him with a gnarled hand.
Sasuke's eyes flashed and he spoke before he thought, "Fuck you, hag."
"Oh. Oh. Touchy, eh? Blame the harmless old lady, eh? Here I am trying to offer a street punk some comfort and what does I get..." The hag's eyes seemed to tear up, "I gets a 'fuck you' for my troubles."
Sasuke shifted uncomfortably. Why do woman always cry? The stupid hag. Sasuke snatched the cookie from her hand, "Fine. Whatever."
The hag's tears quickly disappeared as she cackled with glee.
Sasuke glanced at her suspiciously before snapping the cookie in half. He was getting an odd feeling of deja vu at the moment. He shook his head as he popped one half in his mouth and studied the slip of paper:
You will soon be dishonored
by someone you respect.
"What the hell?" Sasuke murmured looking up for the hag to complain again and finding her hobbling off once again. He was almost overcome by the urge to throw a shuriken at her back, but refrained. He didn't want to hear her crying, crocodile tears or not, a female's crying grated on his nerves.
So 12 year old Sasuke marched towards the academy. It was only a dumb fortune cookie. They didn't predict the future. He was getting as bad as that destiny-obsessed Neji Hyuuga. Well...we all know what happened that day. Sasuke's first kiss was unwittingly stolen by a certain blond-haired moron in front of his whole class. Sasuke, looking back and at that time, had definitely considered himself dishonored. Though at the time he hadn't considered Naruto a person worthy of his respect, but Naruto had earned his respect. That's another story as well...
After this second incident Sasuke was beginning to believe there was something to those damn fortune cookies. But he wouldn't truly believe until the third time.
The third time it happened had been the first day of the Chuunin Exams. On his way to join Naruto and Sakura at the registration office he had once again ran across a baked goods stand with the same old hag. Sasuke, though he wouldn't admit it, had been looking for the stand every day after the kiss incident. He wondered curiously why he hadn't received a cookie the day before he left for Wave Country. Sasuke had almost died, but he guessed since he hadn't actually died a fortune cookie hadn't been in order.
But now as he studied the lone cookie in the basket, he wondered what the hell was going to happen to him this time.
"You'll have to pay this time, punk." The hag grinned, holding her had out for the money.
Sasuke rolled his eyes, "Whatever, old hag." He reluctantly handed her the money and felt as if he had sold a piece of his soul away.
This time he viciously snapped the cookie in half and tossed both sides away. He stared at the cookie:
An evil letter or message
is on its way to you.
Sasuke sneered, "This time you're wrong, old woman. I doubt I'll be able to receive a letter or message where I'm going."
The hag clicked her tongue, "Letters and messages come in all manners and forms, brat. My fortunes never lie."
"What? How will it come?" Sasuke demanded unable to stop himself.
"Only time will tell." The hag snickered, "Have fun. Make sure to wash your neck."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sasuke snapped.
But he didn't receive an answer as the hag was once again trotting away, noticeably limping.
Sasuke cursed under his breath. His hands itched to form hand seals. He could just burn her to a crisp. Who would miss her? The only thing that stopped him was that he was dangerously close to being late.
Well...some time later in the Forest of Death...we all know what happened. Sasuke's neck became acquainted with Orochimaru's mouth. Sasuke, looking back, was vindictively glad he hadn't taken the old hag's advice and washed his neck. Stupid curse seal. The curse seal was indeed an evil message that Sasuke at the time wanted nothing to do with.
So despite having his family slaughtered by Itachi, his first kiss stolen by Naruto, and his neck branded by a perverted snake-molester: Sasuke now believed in the power of fortune cookies. The hag's cookies never lied.
Thus began Sasuke life-long obsession with fortune cookies. When he received a cookie saying:
You will attract uncultured
people to your home.
Sasuke wasn't surprised when Itachi had returned to Konoha with Kisame in tow. Though Konoha wasn't technically a house, Sasuke had considered it his home. And who was more uncultured than the psychopath who murdered his own family and the idiot that decided to be his partner.
When Sasuke had received a fortune cookie saying:
To get what you want,
you must commit yourself
forever to dark forces.
His decision was simple. He'd go with the Sound Four. He'd let Orochimaru molest him for a few years. At least he'd get strong and be able to kill Itachi. What did Orochimaru's hand down his pants matter? It was a small price to pay for power...or at least that's what Sasuke told himself. Besides, who was the darkest force in world? Orochimaru, of course. He just hoped he wouldn't have to commit himself to Orochimaru forever or give up his body.
So now as Sasuke stared at the scrap of paper in front of him and wondered how in the hell the old hag had found Orochimaru's lair, he knew his life was about to take another drastic turn:
Do not run from friends,
or you will surely
break your neck.
When Naruto, Kiba, Shikamaru, Neji, Rock Lee, and Sakura burst into the lair demanding he come to Konoha with them, Sasuke was already packed waiting for them. He didn't want to his neck broken. He liked it the way it was, curse seal and all.
"Sasuke-bastard, aren't you going to fight me?" Naruto asked scratching his head.
"It's no use, dobe. The hag's fortune cookies never lie." Sasuke stated before muttering under his breath, "Besides, I don't want a broken neck."
The bit about the fortune cookies left everyone thoroughly confused as they followed Sasuke out of the fortress. They'd never understand it. Sasuke wouldn't have the patience to explain it.
He only knew:
The hag's fortune cookies never lie.
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