Chapter 2: A Surprise Guest
(It's Thanksgiving Day. Tracy enters the Q living room…She notices the patio door is open.)
Tracy: (rubs her arms due to the cold air) Oooh…Who the hell left this open?
Man: Me.
Tracy: (turns around) Woo!
Coleman: Did you miss me, Mama?
Tracy: (furious) WHY are you here, and HOW did you get in?
Coleman: I'm here for some lovin' with my foxy mama.
Tracy: Oh please. Did Skye put you up to this?
Coleman: I haven't talked to Skye in months.
Tracy: You need to get out.
Coleman: You are going to kick me out?
Tracy: Watch me.
Coleman: On Thanksgiving?
Tracy: Mmm. Hmm. Buh-bye now. (waves)
(The Q's start entering the room.)
Ned: So…Should I order the pizzas now or…Coleman?
Skye: Coleman?
Edward: What is THAT doing here?
Coleman: Your daughter and I have reconciled.
Monica, Alan, and Ned: What?
Edward: (places hand on head) This is NOT worth explaining.
Monica: Oh, I'd love to hear an explanation.
(Alice and Luke enter hand-in-hand.)
Luke: Well! Would you look at this? Now I know why my Spanky Buns did not want me here! You're too busy with him! I KNEW you missed him!
Alan: Could someone please tell me what is going on here?
Skye: Aunt Tracy and Coleman had…Oh what do you call it?
Tracy: It was a set-up!
Coleman: Yep! But it turned out to be so much more, didn't it, Babe? (puts arm around her)
Luke: All right. All right. Get your hands off my wife, you, or I'll…
Coleman: Or you'll what? You can't satisfy her needs like I can.
Alan: Oh please. We haven't eaten yet.
Ned: Which reminds me…I need to order the pizza.
Edward: We are NOT eating pizza this year. Everything is going to go according to plan.
Tracy: It better, Daddy. I refuse to eat such—
Monica: Oh! Save it for later, will you? I still want to know what happened between you and Coleman.
Tracy: Monica, trust me. It's not worth it.
Monica: Why should I trust you?
(Lorenzo enters.)
Skye: Lorenzo! You made it! (throws herself into his arms)
Luke: Not this again.
Tracy: I cannot BELIEVE you would invite him!
Edward: Why not, Tracy? Lorenzo, please share the amount of progress ELQ had made since—
Tracy: Since I was so wrongfully placed as CEO?
Skye: ELQ is thriving now that you've been removed.
Monica: Why is that NOT surprising?
Tracy: (sighs) This coming from the woman who voted for me in the first place.
Monica: That was a mistake I'll never make again.
Ned: All right. All right. Do we have to argue? How about we save this business for another day?
Alan: Sounds good to me.
(Diego is standing there.)
Tracy: Anyone going to explain what this THUG is doing here?
Diego: (oddly politely) Diego Alcazar. Lorenzo Alcazar's son. (reaches out to shake her hand)
Tracy: (pulls her hand back) You have your son do you dirty work? (sarcastically) Charming.
Ned: So about those pizzas…
Tracy: I already told you! I refuse to eat that garbage.
(Brook Lynn and Lois enter.)
Brook: Pizza sounds good to me.
Lois: From what I gather, it is only if the turkey does not make it out of the oven. Am I right?
Ned: (nods) The turkey isn't going to make it out. And if it does…
Monica: It doesn't matter.
Alan: She's right. We are destined for pizza every Thanksgiving.
Diego: Sounds cool.
Tracy: Sounds disgusting.
Brook: I don't think anyone was asking you, Granny. (pause) Hey! Isn't Dillon supposed to be here?
(Dillon and Georgie enter.)
Dillon: Surprise!
Tracy: Darling! You came! (hugs him) And you look wonderful. (noticing Georgie) Ugh. What is that BRAT doing here?
Ned: Now is NOT the time, Mother.
Coleman: Come on, Babe. Just cool it, all right?
Dillon and Georgie: Eww.
Alice: Don't even ask.
Dillon: (disgusted) I won't.
Luke: You need to stop hanging around my wife, you, you…you wife-stealer you!
Coleman: Hey! Your wife wants to be with me!
Monica: Oh! This is ridiculous.
Skye: Maybe we should ask Tracy.
Coleman: I can satisfy her, remember?
All: Eww…
Luke: What my wife and I have is BETTER than sex. We…
Alan: All right. No details. No details.
(Justus and Lainey enter.)
Monica: Finally! Someone sane has arrived. Glad you could join us Dr. Winters. And Justus of course.
Lainey: Lainey, please. It's my pleasure. (pause) I think. (laughs)
Monica: I don't know what Justus has told you exactly, but we aren't all that bad.
Tracy: Justus is lying.
Ned: So has everyone arrived?
Georgie: Is Lulu coming?
Tracy: Oh goodness! I hope not!
Luke: There's enough crazy kids here, don't you think?
Georgie: But Lulu is your daughter.
Skye: Oh like Luke really cares!
Luke: I'm done being a father.
Lainey: Lulu. Lucky Spencer's sister, right?
Skye: Right. You know her?
Lainey: We met a few weeks ago. She has a lot of built in feelings.
Luke: Oh not this baloney.
Coleman: So! When we are we going to eat?
Tracy: YOU are not going to eat here at all. Now get out!
Skye: Now Aunt Tracy, that is not very nice, is it?
Tracy: Do YOU want him here?
Skye: I have a date. His name is Lorenzo.
(Lorenzo looks at her strangely but goes along.)
Skye: Do you?
Tracy: I don't need a date. Ohhhh…Sweet pea.
Coleman: Yes, Mama?
Tracy: Not YOU! Luke. (to Skye) I don't need a date because I have a husband.
Luke: (looks at Alice) Sorry Sunshine. My wife needs me. (walks to Tracy; places arm around her) Shall we?
Tracy: (confused) Shall we what?
Luke: (pause) I don't know. Head to another room? Away from these lunatics?
Alan: Hey! Who are you calling lunatics!
Edward: How dare you insult this family!
(Luke and Tracy leave.)
Coleman: Well, I've never insulted this family.
Edward: Oh just get out!
Justus: I'm sure we have enough food for him.
Monica: Just because my sister-in-law had the misfortune of sharing her bed with him does not mean he can stay!
Dillon: There are children here!
(Everyone is yelling.)
(In the Q foyer…Luke and Tracy are talking.)
Tracy: Agh!
Luke: Have a problem?
Tracy: Who does that man think he is? Walking unannounced into MY house!
Luke: Isn't it Monica's house? (chuckles)
Tracy: Ha! Funny!
Luke: Did you invite Coleman to dinner?
Tracy: Oh my goodness gracious! I just told you that he walked in unannounced! I didn't invite him!
Luke: You are lying, my pretty pink peppermint popsicle.
Tracy: Am not.
Luke: Are too.
Tracy: Am not.
Luke: Are too!
Tracy: Woo!
Luke: All right. Maybe you did NOT invite Coleman—
Tracy: (defensive) I didn't.
Luke: But you are glad he is here.
Tracy: Am not.
Luke: Am too.
Tracy: Am—Oh! This is ridiculous. (pause) Oh my gosh. My not-so-loving husband is jealous.
Luke: Am not.
Tracy: Oh don't even start!
Luke: I am not jealous, but you and I are husband and wife; I have no intentions of that changing until of course…
Tracy: I hand you the 15 million dollars in alimony. (laughs) That's so not gonna happen.
Luke: Then we are going to be married for life.
Tracy: Captivating, isn't it?
Luke: Well I AM proud to be Mr. Tracy Quartermaine.
Tracy: I—Never mind. (turns around; walks toward den)
Luke: Oh Mrs. Spencer…
Tracy: (turns around)
Luke: Do you need to tell me something?
Tracy: (confused) No.
Luke: (walks closer to her) Admit it. You enjoy being married to me.
Tracy: Hahaha. You wish!
Luke: 'Tis true.
Tracy: 'Tis not.
Luke: (pause) Well I enjoy being married to you.
Tracy: (shakes head; serious) What you enjoy, Luke, is not having to commit to your "Flame Fairy." Isn't that right?
Luke: (silent)
Tracy: (nods) That's what I thought. And I know I am not the best person in the world…
Luke: Ha! Not even close!
Tracy: (still serious; sadly) But I deserve better. (walks away)
Luke: Tracy—Wait.
Tracy: (keeps walking)