A/N: First off, a little piece of advice to any budding young scholars out there who may be reading this—get yourself a day planner. Not a fancy electronic one or anything, just a notebook with all the days of the week neatly separated into little blocks, with a calendar for every month and plenty of room for you to write things in. That day planner will be your one and only link to sanity, should you ever be struck with dementia such as mine and decide to take full IB or AP courses. In other news, Chaosti is the coolest person ever. I put "short, sucky chapter" as the name of the last chapter on the purple scrolly thing—it wasn't really the official name, and I didn't even think anyone would notice. But notice she did, and she fiercely defended Al's honour. She wants it known that the chapter was not sucky. She makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And I'd also like to give a big hug to frodofreak88, just because.

Disclaimers: Eye dew naught own enny ov the Lord ov the Rings karakturrs.

Chapter 14: Three Cheers for Faramir . . .

The three of us picked our way across rocky precipices while Faramir explained to Frodo just what the deal was.

"You have not been entirely truthful with me," he started. "There is another in your party, a creature whom Al does not believe to be trustworthy."

"A creature? Oh, that's just Gollum. He is simply our guide."

Faramir raised a suspicious eyebrow. "The Ring implies that he could be a spy, someone who will sell his secrets to Saruman. He has entered the Forbidden Pool, Frodo. The punishment for that is death."

"You're going to kill him for entering a pool?!" Frodo asked, apparently finding this whole 'forbidden pool' shit as senseless as I did.

"It is a forbidden pool," Faramir replied coolly. "It will also give us an excuse to execute this Gollum, should the need arise."

"But you can't kill him!" Frodo objected. "He's perfectly harmless!"

Oh, like that's ever stopped you from trying to kill someone, I pointed out nastily.

A tense silence followed my words. Frodo struggled with his emotions, Faramir cleared his throat awkwardly a few times, and I fumed quietly. We got to the pool in question, and Faramir cleared his throat once more.

"My men are ready. They await my signal. Shall I tell them to shoot?"

I looked around. There were about a dozen archers lurking in the bushes, aiming their arrows at Gollum. Dude. There's probably no one on the planet who wants to see him dead more than I do, but even I think twelve archers to shoot one naked guy is kinda overkill.

Frodo struggled with his emotions some more.

Okay, look. We seriously, seriously have to kill Gollum. Seriously. Even if I put all my personal biases aside, we still have to kill him. Because the guy is psycho, okay? He will turn on us the second an opportunity comes up. One day, he will stab you and Sam in your sleep, grab me, and run. He will run straight to Saruman, and he will report everything he knows about all of our friends, and that will be that. The war will be over before it even starts. I know Gollum, okay? I know him. He will do that.

Frodo sighed. "Perhaps you're right, Ring."

Faramir raised his hand to give the signal.

"But wait!"

No! No waiting!

Frodo looked pained. "I cannot just let him die! Don't you understand? I am responsible for him. I cannot allow this to happen. He came to us a wretched, pathetic thing, and we would have killed him right away, had I not felt so much pity for him. We made a deal: he was to guide us, and we were to spare him. He has been keeping his part of the deal, and so I must keep mine."

Faramir lowered his hand.

I. Cannot. Believe this. Frodo, you have got to be—

"No, Ring," he interrupted me. "Hear me out. I was wrong before, okay? And I realize that no amount of apologies could ever make up for that fact that I betrayed you, but I am truly sorry. I was selfish and foolish, to think that killing you was the answer. Killing people simply to suit my own wishes isn't me. It isn't who I am. If I cannot bear allowing Gollum to die, even though I know he may be dangerous, how could I ever bear letting you die? Especially since, in my heart of hearts, I really do believe you are innocent."

Well, shit. That was unexpected.

"I'm not asking you to forgive me. But please, believe me when I say that I feel horrible about what I have done. I will never even consider flinging you into the Mountain of Fire again. Never."

Okay, okay, I believe you. You can knock it off with the puppy dog eyes now. I'm even slightly mollified by your apology. I knew you'd come around—killing people really isn't you. But dude, I'm totally serious here. Even your super-sincere apology can't change the fact that Gollum has to go.

Frodo sighed. "There are ways that we could get rid of him without killing him."

No, there really aren't.

"Faramir," he turned to aim his killer 'pity-me' eyes onto the Man. "Please, don't hurt him. Let me go to him. I shall coax him out of the pool, and then we can figure out what to do." He widened his eyes and pouted a little. Poor Faramir didn't stand a chance.

"Very well." He allowed Frodo to clamber down into the Forbidden Pool (which was obviously not all that forbidden, because no one said anything about killing Frooooodo, no).

Frodo got Gollum to crawl out of the pool, but as they were climbing up, some Merry Men appeared out of nowhere and grabbed Gollum.

"Hey! What are you—"

I looked up to see Faramir standing there with a grim look on his face.

"I'm sorry, Frodo. I thought about what the Ring said, and decided that I could not afford to take the risk. The creature knows where my troops are; if he is allied with Saruman, my men would be in danger. I have no other choice but to take him as prisoner." So saying, his men gagged Gollum and covered his head with a burlap sack.

Smart man, I congratulated him.

Frodo glared at him with a mixture of shock, anger, and betrayal.

Hey, at least they aren't killing him, right?

"Yet. We do have to question him first."

Ooh, I am liking this guy more and more!

Faramir dropped us off in the cavern where Sam was still sleeping, and then went off to conduct his questioning.

We sat in the dark, not saying anything.

"Mr. Frodo?"

Ah, the fucktard awakens.

"Mr. Frodo," Sam whispered, crawling towards us from where he was sleeping.

Frodo eyed him warily. "Sam, what have we talked about? You have your own safety bubble, and I have mine, okay? And we have to stay out of each other's bubbles."

"Never mind that, Mr. Frodo. We have to get out of here!"

"What do you mean?"

"We can't stay here! We don't really know what these men are up to, do we? Who knows what they are planning. We have to escape."

"And how would we do that?" Frodo asked, humouring him.

"Use the Ring!" Sam replied. "If you put on the Ring, you'll disappear."

Oh, so it's okay to use me, but not to trust me? What the fuck is wrong with you, Sam? You can't even be consistent in your argument. Besides, how would Frodo disappearing help the both of you escape? Because there is no way in hell I'm gonna exert myself and try to make you invisible too.

Sam looked indignant, but Frodo spoke up before he could say anything. "Sam, just drop it, okay? I am not using the Ring. It makes me feel…funny."

Funny, how? Like, aroused, funny? A tingling in your bathing suit area funny?

"No," Frodo said, rolling his eyes. "Funny, as though I'm being watched."

Oh. Then you should probably know that the closer we are to Sauron in terms of physical proximity, the likelier it is that he'll be able to see you when you put me on. Since, I am tied to my creator and all.

"Well, it's final, then. We won't use the Ring, because we cannot risk being seen by Sauron."

Sam couldn't really argue with that, so he shut up. The three of us sat there in the dark, silent except for Sam's heavy breathing. Just when it was starting to get a little too creepy, Faramir came in.

"Gentlemen. I have news," he announced, grimly. "My troops and I must leave, immediately, which leaves us with the question of what to do with you. I was originally planning to take some men with me and accompany you at least partway through your journey, but that plan must now be forsaken. Our city of Osgiliath is in danger, and all soldiers are needed to defend her."

Well, duh. Pulling troops from Osgiliath wasn't the brightest move, what with it being the closest city to the Black Gate and all. Easterlings and Southrons and Orcs are being gathered, like, five miles away, and instead of doubling security there, you remove some? That's real smart. Plus, the river runs right through the middle of Osgiliath, which makes it even more vulnerable. On top of all that, Gondor's fuckin' sandwiched between Isengard and Mordor. Osgiliath is so going down. You, my friend, are fucked. Not to mention the fact that you definitely need to hire yourself a new sergeant.

Faramir stared at me. "How…how do you know that?"

Know what? That whoever the hell you hired really blows at strategizing? I'd say that's pretty obvious, if you look at how things stand right now.

"No. How do you know all of that information? About Gondor, and our troops, and Sauron's troops?"

Hello? I'm all-seeing?

Faramir bit his lip. You could practically see the little gears churning in his head. And suddenly, I saw a way out. It wasn't exactly a permanent solution, but it would prolong my life a little, and maybe give Frodo and me some more time to think of a plan. Faramir just needed a little bit of an incentive, and he'd play right into my scheme.

"Your omniscient abilities certainly seem…handy."

Yeah, well, y'know. The king of Rohan sure thinks so.

"You're helping Rohan?"

I didn't answer.

"Gondor needs help, too…"

Again, no answer.

Faramir squared his shoulders decisively. "You shall not be continuing your journey to Mordor. The Ring comes with us to Gondor."

YES!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TBC