A/N: Big thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! You guys are all just awesome. I swear, I must have the best readers in the world; you put up with all of my not-updating-for-a-long-ass-time crap, and you still review. I wanna let everybody know two things. Firstly, it might be a long time until my next update, and I'm all kinds of sorry, but my final exams are coming up. Hopefully, I'll get to update before July, but you never know. Secondly, and more importantly, I'm officially designating this chapter Chaosti's Special Birthday Chapter. Wish her a happy birthday, because she's the girl who keeps me on track with this story. Without her, I'd still be on, like, the fifth chapter of part one.

Disclaimers: Don't even try to sue me, because Chaosti will have your head and you know it.

Chapter 15: Aragorn Is Also Not Dead . . .

We set out bright and early the next morning, our bags packed and ready, the rogue soldiers neatly lined up in their ranks.

Wait, wait, waitaminute...we're walking all the way to Osgiliath?

"Well, one of us is actually riding on another's neck all the way to Osgiliath, not walking," Frodo pointed out.

Yeah, but all those unbearable weeks spent in your company were all in vain? All those miles we travelled, with not one, but two borderline rapists—all that hard work, down the drain.

"You are the one who wants to go back, so would you please stop complaining?"

But going back over all the stupid rocks we strained so hard to clamber over would be like unravelling a tapestry thread by thread, right after finishing it!

"You know, Ring," Frodo said conversationally. "It really is getting harder and harder to keep my resolution to be nicer to you."

So? Who needs you, anyway? Faramir is my new friend now.

"What are you, four years old?"

That's two years older than you! Oh, burn!

Frodo rolled his eyes. "Look, maybe you should go check on our friends. Make sure Aragorn is alright, or see if Merry and Pippin have gotten themselves killed yet. Whatever will keep you quiet and occupied."

Sure, change the subject when you've been bested in a round of verbal combat. But sure, I guess I'll drop in and see how Legolas is doing. He was in pretty rough shape the last time I saw him, what with the whole Aragorn thing and all.

"You do that."

I took my customary mental sweep of the land. I could see a distant swarm, and I suspected it was probably another one of Sauron's vast armies, but before I had the chance to go investigate it, my attention was pulled to Helm's Deep.

"NO! FUCK OFF! I don't have to fucking go if I don't fucking feel like it!"

Is that...Legolas...?

Eowyn looked up at the sound of my voice. "Yes, it's Legolas. He's been inconsolable about Aragorn since we got here. He's locked himself in the bathroom now, and he won't come out. My uncle and Gimli are trying their hand at coaxing him out."

That said, I was treated to the sight of King Theoden being bodily thrown out of the bathroom, with livid red scratch marks all over his face.

"He scratched me! A Prince of Mirkwood scratched me!" He dusted himself off, then turned and yelled through the closed door, "Just you wait until your father hears about this!"

"FUCK YOU! And you too, bitch!" And with that, Gimli was also hurled out.

You guys suck at this whole 'coaxing' business, don't you?

Gimli's head snapped up. "Ring? Is that you? It is, isn't it? Get yer little ass in there and do something about the Elf, okay?"

And what if I don't? I asked Gimli tauntingly, mentally sticking my tongue out at him.

Theoden stopped him before he could splutter an indignant reply. "Please, Ring, we implore you. We know that you are a friend of Legolas. You would be able to coax him out of this foul temper. We beg you. Please."

"Yes, please," Eowyn joined in, her eyes attractively wide in a move that I thought Frodo had patented.

"We beg you! We cannot stand it no more! Night and day, Legolas is cursin' away, cursin' and cursin' at the top of his lungs, and if you try to stop it, he'll throw things at you. But I prefer the cursing over the crying. When he starts to cry, he wails away from dawn to dusk, and nothing you say can quiet him. And his moods shift so quietly, the people of the town don't feel safe walking around here. He has all of Helm's Deep in terror!" Gimli looked slightly desperate.

Alright, alright. I'll go talk to him. Not for you, though, Gimli, because you can suffer for all I care. I just feel sorry for Legolas.

I went into the bathroom, because ha, doors can't keep me out (and yes, that does have interesting voyeur potential, but no, even I'm not that much of a pervert. Usually).

Hey, Legolas. How're you doing?

"Fuck off," he said acidly, while brushing his hair furiously.

Um. Your hair is really shiny.

His hand paused mid-stroke. "Thank you," he said, also very acidly, but not quite as sharp as the first time.

So, what else have you been doing lately? Besides, uh, brushing.

"Oh, nothing," he said sweetly. "Just this." And with no further warning, he yanked open the door and hurled the brush at Gimli. It hit him full on the face and almost knocked him over. Legolas slammed the door again.

That's...great.

And then Legolas burst into tears. Just like that. You could here Gimli mutter "Oy, not again!" through the door, except it sounded kind of plugged up and wet, like Legolas had broken his nose or something.

Oh, come on, Legolas! Don't cry! I told you that your little fuck-bunny was still alive, didn't I? What are you crying about?

"I-I just—I m-m-miss him! So m-m-much! And I'm s-so worried! What if he's h-h-hurt? I—" He broke off, sobbing some more.

Oh, for—Legolas. Dude. Please. Pull yourself the fuck together. This is pathetic. Look, I'm gonna go look for him, right now, okay? I'm gonna make sure he's okay, and then I'm gonna tell him to hurry the fuck to Helm's Deep before you murder everyone in a blind rage. Okay? No, put that comb down. I'm not leaving until you put that comb down.

"But I need to comb my hair! Brushing de-tangles, but combing adds the shine," he insisted, quite sweetly again, all traces having cried gone from his voice.

That. Is really. Creepy. Okay, I'm gonna go, but only if you promise not to stab anyone with that comb.

Legolas promised, and I set out on my mission to find one little Ranger in the substantial surrounding countryside.

Come on, Strider, I muttered to myself. Do not be dead. Do not be dead or injured or amnesiac, and for god's sake do be hurrying to Helm's Deep. Your little lover's a few ships short of a full fleet on a good day, but he's gone totally spastic on us without you to keep him in line. Not to mention fully satisfied. Ew.

My eye caught something in the distance. That had better be the Ranger.

Aragorn! It is you! Wow, man, you look rough! You look worse than the horse, actually. And you kinda smell worse, too. But you're okay, right? Right!

Aragorn looked up tiredly. "Ring?"

Yeah. Hi. Still alive, as are Frodo and Sam. Not going to Mordor anymore. We met up with Faramir, who's Boromir's brother, and we're going on an adventure with him. Did you know Boromir had a brother? I didn't know that. His brother's really cool, which is totally unexpected. Maybe he's adopted. Or maybe Boromir was adopted. Do you know if Boromir was adopted?

Aragorn rubbed a grimy hand across his even grimier temple.

Man, I've seen you for all of five seconds, and I'm already giving you a headache. Things are already getting back to normal.

Aragorn grunted. In a manly fashion.

So, how are you? Where've you been?

"After the battle, I fell off a cliff and into the river. It carried me far, but by some lucky chance, I did not drown. I awoke and found this horse nearby. Since then, I have been riding day and night, toward Helm's Deep." He paused. "Is everything alright there?"

Yes. Well, not entirely. See, Legolas has been—

Aragorn sat bolt upright on his horse and interrupted me. "Legolas! What's the matter with Legolas? Is he alright?"

Yeah, yeah, calm down. He's alright, but he's scared that you're not alright, so consequently, everyone around him is not alright.

Aragorn squinted. "Run that by me again. Slowly."

Legolas is worried about you. Worried Legolas means neurotic Legolas. Usually, when Legolas is neurotic, you calm him down. But you're not there, so his neuroticism has been escalating, to the point where he now psychotic.

"Oh. Yeah. I'm familiar with that. I've seen it happen. A lot."

A lot? Oh my god, you need to get that elf fixed.

"I'm not unaware of that."

Okay, so you're going to Helm's Deep, right? You're gonna be there soon, right? Because Legolas is steadily moving past psychotic and into psychopathic, and the townsfolk are getting just a wee bit worried. If you don't get there soon, there might not be any townsfolk left.

"I'll be there soon," Aragorn assured me. "Before sundown today, if I can manage it."

Good. Great. Fantastic. I'll run and tell everyone.

"Send him my love!" Aragorn called after me.

Legolas! Legolas Legolas Legolas! Aragorn is fine!

"Oh, thank the Lord!" Eowyn, Theoden, Gimli, and three quarters of the city said in relief.

Legolas finally unlocked himself from the bathroom. "He is?"

He is, and he's trying his damnedest to get his ass here before the sundown tonight.

Legolas let out a happy squeal. "Come, Gimli! We must wait for him by the gates!" He dragged the dwarf off with him.

"Oh, thank you, Ring," Eowyn said with a cute smile.

No thanks necessary. I'm just doing my duty as a friend. Although, I wouldn't say no, if you ever wanted to repay me... I said suggestively.

"Uh. Right." Eowyn hurried off. Hey, there's no harm in trying to score. I'd just done a good deed. I deserved a little in return.

A little while later, a commotion at the front gates of the city alerted me to the fact that Aragorn was back.

"Sweet desire of my heart! I missed you so!" Legolas cried, running into Aragorn's outstretched arms.

"Oh, my darling soul's delight, I've missed you too—"

"Ew, you're dirty!" Legolas squealed, hurriedly stepping back out of Aragorn's arms. He eyed him up and down. "And bloodied! Oh, my love, are you hurt?" He ran back into his arms courageously, willing to brave the dirt for his love.

"Not seriously. I do have, however, news I must tell King Theoden." Aragorn started up the castle steps.

"What is it?" Gimli and Legolas both asked.

Aragorn turned to them with a twinkle in his eye.

Oh god, I know that look. It's the maniacal battle lust that only you three can embody.

"I must warn King Theoden to make ready for war.'

Legolas's and Gimli's eyes lit up with delight.

" I saw Isengard's army heading this way, with troops at least ten thousand strong."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TBC

ps- That went up without any editing, because I didn't have time to read it. I hope there aren't too many mistakes. And, one last time, Happy birfday, Chaosti!