A/N: My final exams are all finished now, and I did quite well, if I do say so myself. I got the highest marks in the grade for both English, Biology, and French, and I don't care if I sound horribly conceited as I flaunt this fact over and over and over. The important part about finals being over is that I'll have all summer to work on this fic. Updates should probably be a lot more frequent now, which is really good, because (as Chaosti has so kindly pointed out), this fic will have been up for a year come July 13. This fic has sixteen chapters. Sixteen chapters over a year is just sad, and I need to get a move on with updating it. Oh, I have to say hi to Anonyma, beore I forget. Welcome to the fold, and thank you so much for your kind comments. I can't believe you went and read all of Part I before reading this; I'd always hoped someone would do that, but I never thought anyone would. You don't know how happy you've made me.

Disclaimers: If I owned "Lord of the Rings" and all associated rights and licences, I wouldn't have made Haldir die in a battle he wasn't even at.

Chapter 16: Preparing for Battles . . .

Aragorn went into the king's castle, and Theoden saw him immediately. After the requisite manly handshakes and masculine pats on the back were exchanged, Aragorn got down to business.

"My liege, we must prepare for battle," he said, with that freaky, yay-I-get-to-kill-soon glow in his eyes.

Theoden, unaccustomed to presumed-dead people just waltzing into his great hall and ordering him to go prepare for battle, stood there and looked confused. He looked around his court for some sort of explanation. None was forthcoming.

"An army of Uruk-hai is being amassed," Aragorn clarified excitedly. "All Isengard is emptied, to make an army over ten thousand strong and for a single purpose: to destroy the world of Men. I saw them as I rode here. They shall be here come nightfall."

Oh, will they? Is that why I kept on seeing a bunch of troops scattered throughout the landscape?

The king growled. "A great help you are, Ring. Your job is to provide us with insider information, and yet Aragorn comes back from the dead to tell us of invading Uruks before you even mention thousand-strong troops."

Oh sure, blame me. Like I haven't been busy trying to stay alive, too busy to go check out every single rumour of Saruman's activities for your pleasure. This is the first time I've even had the chance to take a look around, and the first thing you nail me with is 'go find Aragorn before Legolas loses what little he had before and kills us all', so I was kind of focussed on just finding Aragorn, okay? I saw armies, but it's not like I could've stopped and asked around when Legolas was about to turn psycho. At least I got the Elf calmed down for you. Isn't that something? Isn't that enough? Can't I get some fucking gratitude every now and then?

My tirade was, of course, completely ignored. "The entrances shall have to be barricaded. Women and children must be sent to the caves, and all available manpower must be put on a strict rotation of patrol and sentry duty." Theoden continued talking about battle plans as he and Aragorn wandered out of the castle in a cloud of battle-anticipating bliss.

Whoa there, guys. Hang on. Your plan is to bar the doors and have a bunch of armed men walk around? What do you think this is, a Dwarf invasion? Your dinky little army won't stand a chance against the Uruk-hai!

"Helm's Deep is an impenetrable fortress. We have fought and won countless battles here before, and we shall continue to do so," Theoden said with cold arrogance.

Okay, first of all, your dinky little fortress won't stand a chance either. I mean, are you retarded? They're fucking Uruk-hai, okay, not garden gnomes. They're bad-ass, and there are over ten thousand of them, and you're going down unless you can think of something to even the odds. And secondly, do not try that arrogance shit with me, because you may be a king, but I'm still the omnipresent magic ring who's a thousand years your elder and a million times your better.

"Helm's Deep is infallible," Theoden insisted stubbornly.

History has shown us time and time again that unsinkable ships sink, foolproof plans are foiled, and infallible fortress can and do fall. But hey, why listen to me? I'm only trying to use my millennium's worth of knowledge and experience to help you out here.

"No, the Ring is right," Aragorn cut in before the king could come up with yet another stick-up-the-ass reply. "You must call for aid."

"And who would we call?" Theoden asked. "Elves?" He looked at Legolas challengingly.

Legolas quickly shifted his eyes away.

"Dwarves?"

No, I don't see how calling the dwarves would help you.

"Gondor," Aragorn suggested, ever promoting the motherland.

"Gondor?" the king scoffed. "I may call, but Gondor will not answer. The old alliances are dead. Rohan stands alone," Theoden said, glaring at Aragorn like it was his fault that Rohan was a loser with no friends.

Aragorn glared right back, but he couldn't deny it, especially since every species in Middle Earth has thus far left Rohan to the wolves. Every species except the hobbits, maybe, and some minor ones that no one's heard of, and—hey. Hey!

"What, Ring?" Theoden ground out.

I think I might have an idea.

"Fantastic," the king muttered.

Enough with the attitude, okay! God. No need to further the uptight, snobby, absolute monarch stereotype. You've been nothing but a prick, and everyone's put up with it because they respect you, but I'm in the unique position of not having to respect you at all. I think you're a jerk, and I'm gonna tell you that right to your face, because your royalty doesn't impress me. At all. You just march your men around like they have no feelings, and you treat your subjects as a burden instead of a responsibility. You've been mean to Legolas even though it wasn't his fault he was sad, you've been rude to Aragorn even though he's trying to give you sound advice, and you've been a downright bastard to me when all I've been trying to do is help you.

"I apologize," Theoden said, not sounding particularly apologetic.

I wasn't. Fucking. Done. You interrupted my lecture, even though it was for your own good. I can see why Saruman and Grima had to put you under five billion spells—that was probably the only time you've ever listened to anyone but your incompetent self. You just never, ever listen, and I don't know why I even bother. I could just drop all this and walk away, but I won't. Do you know why? Because I'm better than that. I'm gonna help you anyway, even though you totally don't deserve it, because I want to help the people of Rohan. God knows they're miserable enough with you as their substandard king.

King Theoden's mouth turned into a thin, hard, embarrassed line, while Aragorn did his best to hide his smirk. "Your idea, Ring?" the Ranger asked.

Yeah. Okay. My idea. Well, I don't know how well it's going to work, because I'm pretty sure no one's ever done this sort of thing before, but if it works, you guys are gonna owe me an assing big favour.

"What is it?"

I can't tell you; I don't wanna get your hopes up. Go prepare for battle. Ignore stupid Theoden and call for backup anyway. That way, if my plan doesn't work, you'll at least be sort of semi-ready.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli nodded their agreement.

I quickly got my telepathic ass out of there and into the forests instead. I was in search of some hobbits.

"Look, Merry! What's that?"

"That's a tree, Pippin."

"Oh. Well, what's that then?"

"That's a tree too, Pippin."

"Oh. ...How about that? What's that over there?"

"That's—I don't know! How strange! What is that, Treebeard?"

"That, young master hobbit, is a poplar tree."

"Oh."

And yup, those would be the hobbits I was in search of. Boy, stupidity sure travels a long way through dry air.

Hey guys, what's up?

"AHH! Pippin, what's that!"

Treebeard rolled his considerably huge eyes. "That is the voice of the Ring, young masters. You do remember the Ring, don't you?"

I couldn't help laughing. God, those two had to be the only people who can get on a tree's nerves.

Hey, big guy. I have to talk to you about something really important.

Treebeard made some sort of creaky, groany sound that I assumed meant he was listening.

You hate evil, right? You hate the bad guys ragging on the poor little good guys? You hate Sauron and his megalomania, and you hate Saruman's clear-cutting practices? So how about you help score one for the team? A battle's about to go down at Helm's Deep, and we need all the help we can get. If you could round up a few of your Ent friends and bring them all down to Rohan, we'd really appreciate it. Please?

Treebeard frowned a wooden little frown. "We do not meddle in the wars of Men."

Yeah, well, it's kind of a bigger deal than just a silly little Man war. Pretty much the whole continent is in on it. We'd really, really like it if you meddled.

Merry and Pippin, who love few things more than meddling, joined in my plea. "If our friends need help, we must help!"

"Yeah! Come on, Treebeard. We can only defeat Sauron if we work together."

Treebeard stopped to think about it. "The decision is not for me alone. I must ask all the other Ents before I can give you an answer.

Entmoot. Such a gathering of Ents has not occurred for an age."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TBC