A/N: Hey, these updates have been getting decently regular, haven't they? At this rate, I might be able to accomplish my goal of finishing part two by Christmas. Yes, it's a pathetic goal, but you gotta think long-range. So. How is everyone? Enjoying the summer, I hope. Feel free to tell me anything about your life in your review, if you want, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with the fic; I love to hear about how you're all doing…god knows I tell you enough stuff about myself in these author's notes. Such as my new job, for example. It's a hell of a lot of work, and I have to work weekend shifts, but it's also kinda fun and a really good experience. And this has nothing to do with what I just said, but look! My review counter is getting close to a hundred! A big huge thank you to everyone who's reviewed and made that possible—if you guys wanna keep reviewing and bump me into the triple digits, I'll be forever grateful.

Disclaimers: I don't own the Tolkein universe or associated characters. Tolkein does. Imagine that.

Chapter 18: Battle at Helm's Deep . . .

"Is it the Elves of Mirkwood come to honour their allegiance?" Legolas asked hopefully, running out of the castle to get a good look at the elven troops marching into Helm's Deep. He pouted when he saw that they were actually the Elves of Rivendell, headed by Haldir.

Elrond sent elves to help out, and the King of Mirkwood didn't? Ha! Looks like Aragorn's adopted daddy loves him more than your real daddy loves you, Legolas.

"Ring, that was a low blow," Aragorn chided with a frown, but even he couldn't keep frowning for long. He was thrilled, and it was obvious. Elrond had sent some very, very, veeeeeeeeeery badly needed reinforcements.

Both Aragorn and Theoden stepped forward to greet Haldir. After exchanging the obligatory pleasantries, they got everybody organized and into their battle positions. Everyone stood in the dark, with their bows and/or swords at ready. The night got darker and darker, and tension descended like a cold knot. No one made a sound. There wasn't even a single cricket chirp, because all the crickets had run away and hidden themselves from the battle, as all beings with any intelligence would have done. Only people like Aragorn, Gimli, and the fucking Elves were dumb enough to stay. The promise of violence weighed heavily in the air. Even the sound of the soldiers breathing was ominous: at any moment, that breathing could stop. Danger was afoot, and fear—

"Ring? The running commentary is really not helping the situation," Aragorn told me. "At all."

What? I'm nervous. I'm babbling.

"Ring, you are not in any actual danger; you're not even physically here. You do know that, do you not?" Legolas politely inquired.

Oh, well sure. I mean, I know I'm not going to die in this battle, but I'm still a little freaked, you know? Because who knows what might happen. Any one of you might die, and there's the whole "Fate of Middle Earth hangs in the balance" issue, too. I mean, this is a pretty pivotal battle, and I just feel a little nervous. Yeah.

"Are you saying that you are concerned for our safety?"

Yeah. Well, no, maybe not concerned, but definitely somewhat nervous. Fairly nervous.

"I never thought you cared!" Legolas said, looking way too delighted. He was probably still stinging from the fact that his daddy didn't send him help like Elrond did, so he was glad to find out that someone cared. Um…not that I cared. Much.

Anyway. So, like I said, things are looking really grim here. Especially since you can see the Uruk-Hai troops in the distance now. Here they come, whole fucking thousands of them, marching closer and closer to Helm's Deep. Aragorn ran around for some last-minute rousing of the men. He would have made a pretty decent coach, if the way he's yelling is any indication.

When he got around to the Elves and where Legolas and Gimli were standing, Gimli turned to him and said, "Whatever luck you live by, let's hope it lasts the night."

Legolas, offended by the implication that Aragorn might not last the night, shot the dwarf a look that clearly said "He needs no luck, for he is Aragorn, and if I didn't have to save my energy for the fight, I would beat you black and blue for saying such putrid nonsense." Articulate guy, that Legolas.

Oh, and of course, the weather has to join in with a running commentary, too. It's not enough that my disembodied voice keeps on reminding the soldiers how grim and ominous everything is; it also has to start thunder-storming. These guys are so psychologically destroyed now, it's tragic yet hilarious.

The Uruks, armed with spears and hastily-made swords, eventually get to the front gates. They line up in formation. About half of Theoden's men are simultaneously wetting their pants as we speak.

A Uruk leader bellowed some sort of signal for them to begin…banging their spears on the ground? What are they trying to do, create a sound wave loud enough to level Helm's Deep?

Aragorn, of course, logically responds to their sonic wave strategy by drawing his sword. That's a signal for everyone else to notch their arrows and draw their swords.

The first arrow is loosed, and the battle is on, baby! Alright, here we go, bitches!

The Uruk-Hai swarmed forward like a carpet.

"So it begins," Theoden said solemnly. Like, no shit, Your Majesty—what tipped you off?

Aragorn yelled for a volley in Elvish, and arrows flew down as thick as the rain. Holy, are all elves crack shots? Aragorn grinned and yelled for them to reload.

Theoden yelled for a volley in English, and considerably less well-aimed arrows flew down as thick as rain.

About five seconds later, it became "Fire at will"…so much for the volleys. Dozens of Uruk were going down, but dozens out of the thousands? It wasn't making a whole lot of difference. The swarm kept coming steadily.

Black blood spilled from black hearts in the black, black night, soaking the black earth with its blackness.

"That's very poetic," Legolas complimented, not slowing in his steady onslaught of arrows.

Thank you.

Eventually, the Uruk-Hai got to the fortress itself, and the real fighting got under way. They brought out the ladders, big honking ladders that enabled them to climb over the walls and into Helm's Deep.

Hey, Theoden, what was that you said about this place being impenetrable? I guess it never occurred to you that they could climb over, instead of trying to blast through.

"Ring," Aragorn admonished me with a warning tone. "The King has enough on his hands without you troubling him."

Yeah, I'm sure he can bring plenty of trouble onto his incompetent self without my help.

Aragorn would have continued chastising me, but the first of the Uruks were hopping off the ladders, and he was way too busy to do anything but the hacking and slashing that he so loved. Gimli finally got to do something, as his short little arms prevented him from taking part in the shooting of arrows, and he was pretty enthusiastic, after being denied the pleasure for so long. Legolas, of course, was a killing machine. He must've been a little hellion as a child. No wonder his dad doesn't love him that much.

The Uruks were taking pretty heavy casualties, but our side was getting the hell beat out of it, too. Occasionally, you could hear the girlish scream of an Elf mortally wounded.

It was getting harder and harder to make things out through the rain. It was only when the lightening flashed that you could really see how bad things were. Carnage stretched out for miles. It was brutal. Well, Aragorn probably found it beautiful or soothing or whatever, but to me it was brutal.

"RING! RIIIING!"

Somewhere, two annoying voice called to me. Incessantly.

Merry? Pippin? What the hell do you want?

"Come quick, Ring!"

Can't it wait? I'm kind of in the middle of something really fucking intense here.

"It cannot wait! You must come! The Ents have made their decision!"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TBC

A/N: In other happy news, same-sex marriage has been officially legalized in Canada as of today. The Queen's representative has given royal assent to the bill, finalizing its legislation. I realize a lot of you don't really care, but it's a pretty big deal to me, so please, join me in celebrating.