A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, guys! Not only did you push me way past a hundred, you also put a huge grin on my face and gave me the drive to keep writing passably decent chapters. It's because of readers like you that I don't start slacking off or giving up. Just so everyone knows, I'll be off camping next week from Monday to Thursday—if anyone e-mails me and I don't reply, that's why. We're going to Jasper, and we're taking my dog with us; you wouldn't believe how much fun that is. I'm so excited. And last but not least, I'd like to give shout-out and a warm welcome to Middle Earthian: thank you for your comments!

Disclaimers: It would actually be kind of cool if I did get sued by the Tolkein estates, because that would mean they've read this fic and, y'know, heard of me and stuff.

Chapter 19: Toggling Between Entmoot and Helm's Deep . . .

Okay, okay, I'm here. God, this better be good. The fight was just getting interesting.

Treebeard creaked and groaned his way over to where Merry and Pippin were waiting for the Entmoot to finish up. He drew himself up with an air of importance, and announced, "We have decided…that you are not Orcs."

…

That's what you dragged me away from a pivotal battle for?

Merry and Pippin, their normally perplexed expressions multiplied tenfold from actual perplexity instead of mere stupidity, looked at Treebeard and exclaimed, "That's it? What about the War, and Saruman? What about helping our friends? Haven't you talked about that?"

"It takes a long time to say something in the Ancient Entish," Treebeard said defensively, "And we never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say."

I wasn't sure if Treebeard was capable of it, but it sounded like an oblique and insulting reference to Merry and Pippin's endless babbling. Whether he meant it or not, I snorted and said, You guys should try that out sometime, okay? In the meantime, I'm gonna go back to Helm's Deep. See ya.

I went back, and the first thing I saw was Theoden saying "Is this all you've got, Saruman?" And immediately following that, the Uruk-Hai used some sort of suicide-bomber technique and blew an entire chunk out of the impenetrable fortress wall.

Hey, Theoden? First of all, Saruman's not like me, so addressing him to the general air around you won't allow you to communicate with him. Second of all, you really need to stop goading the bad luck. Irony is making your its bitch right now.

Before Theoden could reply, a loud boom shook the very sturdy and impenetrable foundations of Helm's Deep.

"TO THE GATE!" Theoden roared, "THEY'RE RAMMING THE GATE!"

The impenetrable gate, I reminded him.

Theoden made a snarling noise of pure annoyance/fury/hate. A few Uruk fell back at the sound.

Hey, if you can harness all of that and channel it into your fighting, we may have a chance yet!

With that, I left him to go check on Aragorn.

Whoa, watch out! To your left there, Strider!

He whirled and took out the Uruk that was trying to sneak up on him. "Thank you, Ring."

No problem. Whoops, there, to your left again. And another one on your right. Quick, duck! Okay, now left. No, don't leave your right open! Okay, quickly finish that one off and back up. There's one with a dagger trying to get in close, and another one running at you with a spear, and about five thousand over there all waiting to get a piece of you.

"Somehow, your assistance has ceased to be quite so helpful," Aragorn grunted, fending off yet another crazy Orc-mutant. An arrow whizzed over his shoulder and downed a would-be attacker before Aragorn even saw the oncoming attack. It was Legolas.

Yeah, well, my assistance is obviously unneeded, now that your darling Elf bunny-wunny has found his way through the war-torn battlefields to you.

"Hello, Ring," Legolas greeted me. "Where were you just now?"

With the Ents.

"The Ents! The ancient Tree-herders? Whatever for?" he inquired with a puzzled frown on his perfect ivory brow, all the while shooting arrows into Uruk heads.

As you may or may not know, Merry and Pippin met up with an Ent. We got that Ent to call all his Ent buddies together, and now we're trying to convince them to join the war effort. Because they're big and strong and scary, and they can probably kill like fifty Uruks in one swat, so they'd make excellent allies.

"That is a wonderful idea, Ring!" Legolas said with a pleasant smile. And then he sidestepped a rushing Uruk and buried a knife into its brain.

Well, I'm glad someone around here appreciates my efforts.

"We all appreciate your efforts," Legolas said, "Right, Aragorn?"

"Right," Aragorn said, with just the tiniest hint of an eye roll.

I chose to let it slide.

Hey, in all seriousness, I wanna ask you something. Tell me the truth. How long do you think Helm's Deep is gonna last.

"It is bad luck to speak of such things during battle," Aragorn said.

You don't need luck because you're Aragorn, remember? C'mon, just tell me.

Aragorn polished off another Uruk, and sighed. "Well, at the current rate—"

"RING! COME QUICK!"

Who was that?

"Who was what?" Aragorn asked.

Oh hell no, was that the hobbits again? Christ, I'll just ignore them. Do continue, Aragorn. You were saying?

"Are you sure you shouldn't check on them?"

Trust me, I'm sure. They—

"RING! COME ON! WHAT'S KEEPING YOU?"

Fuck, they're annoying.

"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!"

Alright, alright, I'm coming! Aragorn? Hold that thought, okay? We are going to continue this conversation when I come back.

I transported my mind's eye to the clearing where the Entmoot was taking place.

Okay, what the fuck do you want this time?

"They've come to a decision!" Merry said.

What, like last time?

"No, this is about the war!"

Treebeard ambled over and said, "We the Ents, as one, have decided not to take part in the war."

…

You guys have really gotta stop dragging me out for stuff like this.

"How could you decide that?" Merry asked indignantly, ignoring me. "It's a world-wide war, and aren't you a part of the world? Don't you have an obligation to fight for it?"

I took quick stock of the situation. Merry and Pippin could probably go on all day about the beauty of the world and fighting to defend it. They'd be fine.

Look, guys, I've gotta get back, okay? You stay here and work on the Ents. Try to convince them. When I think of something, I'll get back to you. Stall them for as long as you can.

I whipped back to Helm's Deep, where the fighting continued.

In the twenty minutes that I had been gone, the Uruks had managed to kill the Elf-leader Haldir, raise five more ladders to scale the ramparts, crowd the causeway, and smash through the (impenetrable) front gate.

Wow, our side is getting the shit beat out of it.

I quickly went to the front gate, where Theoden was trying to mend the gaping hole that was allowing bloodthirsty warriors to pour in. The work was slow and interrupted by long bouts of fighting.

Guess you shouldn't have sent all your carpenters off to die, huh?

"Do you ever have anything pleasant to say?"

Not to you, your Royal Highness. Where's Aragorn?

"Out on the causeway, with Gimli," Theoden said distractedly. "If you're going to them, please tell them that I'm ordering retreat. We have no choice but to fall back into the Keep."

God, I hope it's not an impenetrable keep.

"The Gate will not last for long! Just go tell them, alright?"

Okay, okay! Sheesh. I'm going.

I swung out to the causeway, where Aragorn and Gimli were pathetically trying to hold their own against the dozens of Uruk-Hai piling onto them.

Guys? Theoden says to tell you we're falling back.

Aragorn started to say something, but he was completely swamped by a fresh attack before anything came out.

Okay, I see that you're not going to be able to fall back here. I'll get help.

I looked for Legolas. It didn't take very long to spot him, seeing as he was the only one with clean, shiny hair in an ocean of dirty and bloody heads.

Legolas! Theoden is calling a retreat into the Keep. Tell all the Elves, and then go rescue Aragorn and Gimli.

Hearing Legolas quickly leapt into action. He shouted for retreat in Elvish, and then grabbed a rope and single-handedly hauled Aragorn and Gimli out of the fray. Everyone made for the interior of the hold.

"Ring?" It was Aragorn, looking spectacularly rugged with blood and gore and mud sweat covering every inch of him. "I've thought about your question," he said gravely. "I predict we shall last for one more night and no more."

Wow. That's pretty grim—

"RIIIING!"

Fuck! What? What the hell do you want?

"COME HEEEEEERRRRRRRE!"

Look, I'm in the middle of something, so—

"THIS CAN'T WAIT! COME QUICK!"

I hurled my tired psyche over the rolling landscape once more.

Okay, what the fuck is it this time? Believe it or not, all of this mental teleportation takes actual energy. You can't just expect me to go around the entire fucking planet endlessly. It's three o'clock in the morning, I haven't had any sleep for days, this is my third trip here in the past five hours, and I am really fucking tired. This had better be worth it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TBC