Sidechapter 1 – Blood and Clay! Akatsuki's True Talent!

"This decrepit hole begs to be slaughtered," yawned Itachi.

He was sitting next to the Akatsuki leader and Zetsu in a dark, damp room littered with small tables, bored to death at the act on stage.

"How about this one…what's a shark-man's worst enemy?…Captain Ahab!"

Silence.

Kisame stood there for a moment, waiting for laughs. "Eh? Get it? Cos I'm a shark-man…and…"

"Ahab hunted whales, doofus."

"Get off the stage ya jackass!"

"Boooo!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP OR I'LL KILL ALL OF YA!"

The crowd silenced immediately.

"Now then," continued Kisame. "What do you call a dead puppet who craps too much?"

Complete silence.

"A Sasori of the Brown Sands!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" roared Deidara in the back of the room.

Kisame scowled - no one else even moved an inch.

"So true, SO TRUE!" Deidara pounded his table in uncontrollable laughter. "You're killin ME, man! Hahahahaha!"

Screw this shit, thought Kisame.

"Alright then, you pitiful fools," he muttered, picking up his sword. "Why am I wasting my time telling bad jokes?"

"Cos you suck?"

"Cos sharks don't know shit about humor?"

"Cos that plant dude in the corner gave you herpes?"

"No," grinned Kisame, showing his razor-like teeth. "It's so now…I can get on with the BLOOD!"

Deidara leapt out of his chair and started rigging explosions all over.

"Yeah man, let's blow up these fools!"

And with that statement, they proceeded to violently sever and behead all the non-Akatsuki patrons in attendance. Itachi turned to Zetsu quizzically as Kisame and Deidara tore the room to screaming crimsom pieces.

"Sometimes, it seems as if mass murder is our true talent, Zetsu."

-SPLATTER- "BEHOLD MY VENGEFUL FURY, VERMIN!" -CRASH-

"You mean only talent, Itachi?"

"Our only talent, I mean." The Uchiha sipped his dirty martini quietly.

-SMASH- "HOW YOU LIKE THEM PIGEONS, BITCHES!" -BOOM-

"Yes, you are correct that it is our only talent, Itachi…along with bribery, petty curryshoptheft, retired village elder pornography-"

"Okay, okay, I get the point."

From the writer:

-puts away whiskey-

Oh screw it, I'll start on Part II now, regardless of how many reviews or letter bombs I receive. Of course, if I get more reviews, I'll be inclined to work slightly harder on this fic (but probably not). Anyways, feel free to submit your guesses of the Pervert Ninja's identity in your review – those with correct entries get to meet creator of Naruto, Masashi Kishimoto!

-loud banging in basement-

Hold on a sec…

…

SHUT THE F UP, DON'T MAKE ME GO DOWN THERE KISHI!

…okay, where was I?

Oh yes, I'd appreciate it if I could have a few beta readers to not only check out new chapters in advance, but to verify their accuracy according to the Naruto universe. Thankies

Next Chapter – The Beginning of Part II! Understanding the Madness! Help, Shikimaru!