A/N: Hey all! I had a great time in Jasper; it's a beautiful place, and if you ever get the chance you should definitely visit Jasper, Alberta, Canada. I'm not just saying that to drum up our tourism industry. So, anyway, thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter. To answer Chaosti's question, no, Legolas is not high on drugs. Yes, kiddies, that is Legolas when he's sober—scary, I know. The way I write him makes it seem like he has multiple personality disorder, and there are three very good reasons for that: 1, his character switches from dumb to smart and from sweet to deadly all the time…I'm just exaggerating the switches. 2, it amuses me, and 3, I know it amuses you too. One last thing: can you believe summer is almost over? For those of you who don't go to school, that's probably not a huge deal, but for the rest of us, it's back to school time. Back to cramming for exams, back to incompetent teachers, back to getting no sleep, back to having to see the same annoying and/or stupid kids for seven hours straight every single frickin' day. Oh, joy.

Disclaimers: I don't own Lord of the Rings. Yet. But someday, ooooh, someday…(goes back to plotting world domination)

Chapter 20: Whoo, Go Ents! . . .

Okay, hobbits, I'm here now. What the hell is it this time? And it had better be really fucking substantial.

"We thought you might want to know that Treebeard's taking us back to the Shire," Merry said meekly. "But if you're busy, maybe it can wait."

Oh, what the hell, I'm here now. Might as well take care of this mess. Okay, listen, I got a plan, but it's not going to work if Treebeard thinks I had anything to do with it.

I dropped my voice to a whisper. What I'm going to do, I told the hobbits quietly, is pretend to go away, and then make it so that only you two can hear my voice. You have to just listen to me, and act like I'm not here, okay?

I pitched my voice louder again, and said, Well, I guess that's all. I have to go back to Helm's Deep now. Bye, Treebeard, bye hobbits!

"Wait, you can't go, Ring!" Pippin said. "What about our secret plan!"

Sometimes, I wished my teleportation abilities included a physical manifestation, just so I could smack someone upside the head.

I'm still here, you nitwit! But Treebeard doesn't know that, so act like I'm gone, okay?

"Okay!" the hobbits both sang.

No, you dumbasses!

"Who are you talking too?" Treebeard grumbled.

"Um, no one. Ourselves. Each other," Merry stammered smoothly.

Great, guys. Real slick. Okay, I'm gonna tell you the plan quickly, before this gets any worse, okay? Listen carefully. You have to convince Treebeard to go South. Force him to go right past Isengard. If we can't convince him, then we've got to use emotional trickery. Once he sees all the damage Saruman has done to the forest, he'll want to jump in and fight—he's a shepherd of the forest, or whatever. It's his duty to avenge his…sheep.

"Are you sure this will work?" Merry whispered. "I really don't want to get caught by Saruman."

It'll work.

"Are you sure?"

Hey, come on, who's the smart one here? The hard part is convincing Treebeard to turn towards Isengard.

"I can handle that," Pippin said. He bent down lower, closer to Treebeard's face, and said, "You know what? I think we should head South."

"South?" Treebeard rumbled. "That's not the way to the Shire."

"No, but I think it's a much safer bet. Saruman will be on the look out for us, and he'll be watching all roads to the Shire. What we need to do is pick a road that he's not watching. He definitely won't be watching the roads to Isengard, because he's not expecting us to go that way, because who would go straight to the enemy, only a stupid person would do that, except a smart person would do it because the enemy wouldn't think that the smart person would do it. He won't be expecting us, and we'll be able to slip right past him, and then we'll be able to go the long way around to the Shire. It's much safer, and besides, South is the coolest direction out of the four directions. Now let's see, what are the four directions again? Up, down, left, right. But those aren't the directions we're talking about. Now, what are those called again? Ah yes. North, south, east…and…and west! Oh yes, who can forget west? West is a lot of fun, because it begins with the letter 'w', and it's also where the sun sets. But let's not talk about west. Let's talk about south, and why we should turn that way. South is fun too, because it starts with an 's', and the letter 's' looks like a snake. I really think we should head south. South is definitely our best chance of getting to the Shire unscathed, so what do you say, old pal, old buddy? How about we turn around and go south, straight past Isengard?"

Treebeard turned about-face and headed south. Immediately. Just to get Pippin to shut the hell up.

It took them all morning and well into the afternoon before they got anywhere near Isengard. I stayed with them, after quickly checking in on both Helm's Deep and my current situation with Frodo and Faramir. It was the least depressing out of the three. Helm's Deep was just a bunch of people locked up and waiting to die, and Faramir was taking us through the dampest, grayest, bleakest, and most suicide-inducing countryside I have ever seen in my life.

So anyway, I stuck with Treebeard and the hobbits. When they finally got to Isengard, I could tell that my plan had worked, if the horrified expression on Treedbeard's face was any indication.

Stretched out before him lay Saruman's destruction. The forests he'd clear-cut for the sake of progress were nothing but gnarled stumps. Treebeard stared at the stark, barren land that used to be a forest. More specifically, it used to be a forest he was responsible for—someone was going to pay for this.

"Oh, oh, the horror!" Treebeard mourned, walking around slowly, surveying the damage. "I've known most of these trees since they were little saplings!" He bent down to touch a sad, burnt stump. "They had voices of their own!"

How high would you have to be to—Come on, big guy. I know it's sad, but you have to get the hobbits to the Shire, remember? You decided you didn't want to be involved in the War, remember?

Treebeard ignored me. "There is no curse in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of Men for this treachery," he moaned.

Actually, I bet Legolas knows a few. In all three tongues.

Treebeard straightened up with an air of resolve. "Hobbits, you are not going back to the Shire just yet. You are going to war."

He made some sort of loud battle call, and Ents began to show up from everywhere. Giant, hulking, walking trees, with minds full of vengeance for their tree brothers. Ah, there's nothing like the satisfaction of a well-laid plan playing out perfectly before your eyes.

Before the hour was out, there were at least fifty Ents gathered. Those things move really slowly most of the time, but when they hustle, they can sure move. They formed a rough battalion and stormed Isengard.

I don't even know how to begin to describe the destruction that went on. Picture woolly mammoths. Picture a train wreck. Picture a large and unstoppable stampede. Picture steamrollers out of control. Picture hurricanes, tornadoes, typhoons, earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions all happening at once. The Ents stormed into Isengard and began to literally dis-fucking-mantle it, piece by piece.

And man, Orcs are retarded. If I saw giant trees thirsting for my blood stomping in my direction, I would run. But the Orcs stayed and shot arrows at them. It's like shooting rubber bands at a charging elephant, only more ineffective.

The hobbitmuffins stayed in their perches on top of Treebeard, enjoying the mass destruction and chaos in a way only idiotic young hobbits on speed can.

"Ha! Lookit! It's Saruman!" Pippin was pointing up at the tower, where Saruman could be seen clearly pissing his robes.

Merry and Pippin mooned him.

I'm not kidding. By some mutual decision, they hopped up, yanked their pants off, and mooned him.

I thought Saruman was going to burst a few capillaries.

"Break the dam! Release the river!" Treebeard thundered, running uphill to a dam that I hadn't even noticed before.

Oh my god, Saruman's been running operations from the basin of a dammed-off river? Whose bright idea was that?

Strategically, it was the worst possible thing for Saruman and the best possible thing for us. The Ents ripped the dam apart, and water gushed back into the basin. Into Saruman's meticulously built command centre. All over Saruman's meticulously built command centre.

It was all very poetic, very symbolic: the forces of nature triumphing over Evil, the valley being washed clean (literally) so that life could now spring anew. Very nice.

Well guys, that takes care of that. I'm gonna mosey on back to my other affairs, alright?

"Sure, Ring. We'll be fine. Thanks for all your help! We promise we won't bother you again, unless it's really really really super duper important!" Merry and Pippin said in farewell.

Yeah. I'm sure.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TBC

A/N: This part is my favourite part out of the movies. Did anyone else get a real kick out of watching that Ent that was on fire run and dunk its head into the water? Heh.