Hey look im back. I cant very well leave all of my loyal readers guessing now can I? Not sure yet if we'll turn her back into a kid..probably not. Maybe later on, but Ive got an idea of what I wanna do so we'll try it on for size. Oh this chap will be in Paige's POV. I will probably switch in between this and either the other characters points of view or third person narrative. I'll have to see how it works out.
Paiges POV
Its not that I don't remember them, because I do. I remember everything, from the first time I grew up to the second time I experienced recently. I know who my sisters are and love them, but god, they can't touch me. I can't let them. Im dirty, corrupt by what has happened. They shouldn't have to deal with that. They dont deserve any of the trouble I have given them and I've promised myself that there wont be an oppurtunity for me to give them more hell.
It all hurts. Physically and emotionally. Seeing their faces, welcoming me back home and into their hearts, I can't take it. They don't know half of what has happened.
She touches me again, Prue. She won't let me stay in my little ball of hurt and keep the pain to myself. But did I really expect her too? Hugging me tightly, so I can't get away she lifts my face up to hers and kisses my forehead, and I lose it. I allow myself to fall into her arms which just recently held me with care and made me feel like nothing bad could ever happen. The memories of a simpler time, where I didn't know real pain haunt me, and it is enough of a reminder to make me retreat back into myself and cringe at her touch.
I hear them talking, my older sisters. Saying things like poor baby, and Itll be okay. I know they're talking to me, but I won't answer. Just because I refuse their affection, doesn't keep them away though. I feel three bodies plop next to my frail one, and try to comfort me again. I hate to kill their efforts, but it won't be as easy as it was before.
Oh when did I become so frail? It must've been somtime between the weekly chunks of bread and the abuse. Im not as tall as I was before. My growth must've been stunted from lack of nutrition. I'm also younger physically, mentally i'm grown, twiceover. At a crisp seventeen, Im about the weight and height I originally was at fourteen. Ive gained years of life, itll be five years until Im back where I was at the start of this whole mess. We'll see if this becomes a blessing or a curse.
Why don't they understand they're hurting me? This time I try to cry out. I unfurl myself and make an attempt to speak, but no words come out. Ive lost my power of speech for the second time in a short while and Im scared. Shocked , my tears stop. I look expectantly at Prue, being brave, and decide, I need my sisters at this point. She comes and lifts me up onto her lap, like I still fit there and rocks me gently.
" Paigey? Can you tell me what happened to you?"
I shake my head, because it is the truth. I just know if I try to say something it wont come out.
I can tell Piper wants to contribute but silences herself. She realizes being pushed isn't what I need right now. Even though reluctance isnt whats keeping me from talking. At this moment I want to tell them everything, and feel safe like I once did.
Phoebe knows this, the second she looks in my eyes. Shes always known me best, I have to say. Even without words between us she can tell whats the matter and what I can't say, I know she will.
" Prue.." She intrudes timidly, and i just realize now she feels inferior next to Prue, and like she is being held down by her presence. Maybe I would feel the same way if I didn't need her to support me and be so much of a mother.
Prue looks up, just about to ask me, why wont I tell her.
"Its not that she wont Prue." Phoebe defends me " Its that she can't"
Before Prue can yell at her for butting in and speaking for me, Phoebe keeps talking. Sometimes her tendencies to not shut up can be good.
" Its called Somatoform disorder if I remeber correctly from my psych classes. It occurs in people who experience some form of emotional trauma" She gasps at her own words and starts crying. I know this is what its called also, from my days in social work. Ive seen kids with it, ones who have gone through some of the hell that I have. I know who it occurs in, and she does too, from the way her fast turns deathly pale and she pulls Prue and Piper aside to let them in on her revelation.
I instantly hate Phoebe for her diag-nonsense. I see Prue gain the same expression as Phoebe and she rushes over to me, with the others close behind. She holds me close again and tries not to cry, but loses. I recoil and pull away once again, feeling bad about upsetting my sisters. I leave the room and go into my own. I forgot it was still out of order. I would do a spell to reverse the damage, but I can't speak. So I change my course and head into the guest bedroom, where I lock myself in, planning not to come out for as long as I want to.
I knew they would come after me. But as the angtsy teen I now am, I don't care if im hurting them by not responding to their pleas as they rap on the door. All I care about is getting my space and taking care of myself for once. Im a big girl I should be able to do it.
But I can't and soon after lying down on the bed, trying to sleep, an escape, Im hit with memories of my horrible past. They are so vivid, I can feel the sting of energy balls, the scratch of his talons, and the pain of rape over and over again, which I would have to deal with until I threw up of passed out. Thats what happned right before I was rescued. Its all too much, and I know I will not be able to escape the pain anytime soon. I went from being and adult helping kids who went through this shit, to a kid myself, a victim of it. Im so confused, and I don't know what to do. Its all too much and I can't. I begin to sob and cry and scream and I don't even know. Before I know it Im in the fetal position, because Im not a big girl. And I can't handle it, and I just want Prue. But can't ask for her. So my cries get louder until I hear the door burst open and soon feel Prues arms holding me. My sisters have broken me down fast, and they didnt even try that hard. I can't be mad now though. I have to be a wreck first. So I stay pressed against Prue and cry until my sobs become dry and I start to heave from shortness of breath. Im dizzy and feel sick. I must be dehydrated. Prue realizes this too and tries to unlatch me so she can get me water or something. But I hold on and won't let go. Its like a repeat of when I was four ( the second time) and wouldn't let go of Piper in the middle of my nightmare. I should be embarassed, but I don't want to be alone. Especially since its getting dark out, and Im terrifically afraid he'll be back for me. I don't get why she doesn't make Phoebe or Piper get me water, but instead she carries me with such ease its bizarre, until I remember I weigh about 93 pounds and am only about 5'2. She takes me down to the kitchen and sets me gently on a chair. I don't make eye contact with her, I just stare at the tables surface and trace patterns over it with my finger tips. She sets a glass down in front of me, and then picks me up again and unto her lap to sit, instead of just plainly on a chair. She must really get how much I need to feel another human who I love and trust near me. I tentatively lift the glass and its weird. Its been while since Ive used one of these guys. I carefully press it too my gross crusty lips, and try to take a sip. I miss though and the water sloshes into my lap and then I drop the glass and it shatters on the floor.
I start to cry as Prue hands me over to I think Piper it must be, and I bury my head into her shoulder and cry some more. She strokes my head, and tells me that I shouldnt be upset, It was just a glass. Thats not why Im crying though. At first I was startled, and then afraid Prue would be mad, or frustrated. But now im just angry im so helpless. Why am I such a baby, getting upset over everything and not able to do anything on my own. Its embarassing, even though I was technically an actual baby around my sisters. It was different then though. Then, being babied felt right.Now it just feels all wrong, and I can't except their love.
When Prue finishes cleaning up the mess, she tells Piper to bring me into the livingroom. Thats where Pheebs must be.
Piper sets me down onto the couch and Prue tells her to let go. Thats why Prue took me downstairs. She must have something she wants to achieve. I cling to Piper subconciously and I know I must be making it difficult for her. Why do you always make evrything difficult? I scold myself, releasing myself from Piper and not hearing the whimper that escapes from my mouth as I do so.
Prue tells me to look at her, but I dont want to. I shake my head, but she insists. I want to cry. Why is she being so mean? and why do I have to be so sensitive. One tear rolls down my cheek, against my will, and I still dont pick my head up.
"Now Paige." I hear Prue command. Im scared and I start to cry more and pull my knees to my chest, burying my face in them. I dont like angry Prue.
She continues to raise her voice, which makes me cry harder, but I finally oblige and look at her dead on in the eyes, which are looking cold, so I know she means business, and I start to shake. Where is my Prue?
Phoebe can't stand what Prue is doing to me, and She finally voices her opinion over Prues. " What the hell do you think you're doing Prue" She growls
"Phoebe, let me handle this."
" No Prue, look at what your doing to her, shes terrified."
Prue meets my eyes, and her gaze softens. I know then shes sorry for making me like this. She comes over and pulls me into her embrace again, and I sigh.
"Thank you for stopping me Pheebs" Prue whispers
I can imagine Phoebes grin a mile wide as she says no problem. finally, when i'm back to normal, well if there is such a thing, and Prue begins to speak to me, this time less harshly.
" Paige, You know we all really love you, and have missed you deeply. It is killing all of us, imagining what our baby sister has been through and knowing we didnt stop it. We have reason to believe all sorts of horrors happened to you, and we want to help you. But we can't, unless you tell us everything,and answer all of our questions. Can you do that for us sweetheart?"
I shake my head, and Prue clarifys she'll bring me paper and a pen, even though that wasn't really the reason behind my head shaking.
She gives me the materials and I take them. I hope I still know how to write.
" Okay babes, we'll start with an easy one. Just relax,and take as long as you need too. How old are you?"
I scrawl on the paper, Just turned seventeen, and lift it up for viewing.
Nods from my sisters, and some smiles. They must be so thrilled they have a little teenager on their hands to chill with. Now our age difference is huge.
"So Paige, what are you cuts from" Prue asks. Im not happy witht this question but give an answer. It goes on and as they ask me questions I answer them breifly, hoping they wont push. For some I right I dont remeber, even if I do, or i don't want to talk about it. This doesn't go over well.
Prue finally asks the big question. " Paigey, did he ever..rape you?"
I cant write it or say it. It makes it all too real. I burst into tears, and against the restraint Prue puts on me I run up the stairs haphazardly, tripping on the way, banging my head on the banister, but nevertheless making it up to my "room", away from the reality of my pain.
When they don't come up for me, I cry out loudly, and make sure they know they are hurting me. Im so terrified right now, they dont even know. I try to find my voice so I can call out for Prue, let her know I want her, maybe lead her on to think I'll tell just her, but I can't. Its hours before I feel soft lips brush my brow and arms cradle me. Im so familiar with Prues touch now, Its crazy. I lean into her and snuggle up close, wondering why she didnt come before.
As if she read my thoughts, she says " I couldn't baby. You need to get used to being treated like the age you are. I want to hold you I do, and I dont want to hurt you. You can talk about it when you're ready. I know im wrong."
I want to cry or reach up and kiss Prue, but I can't bring myself to show that much affection. part of me has lost trust in Prue for treating me like this tonight, and not protecting me in the first place. I close my eyes, a signal to Prue Im ready to sleep, and she tucks me under the covers, lying down beside me, not leaving me alone again.