Chapter 25 – Poor Shikamaru! Temari's Secret Love Interest!

The Suna Times

July 3

Ninja Village Showcases Stupidity Yet Again

Konohagakure, also known as Hidden Leaf village and home to many "talented" shinobi, once again managed to show everyone why it's been voted the Suna Times's "Dumbest Village of the Year" award 5 years running. And to think they'd have gotten the message by now…

Unless you've been living under a cave the past week, you already know about the mysterious "Pervert Ninja" accused of producing illicit pornography and distributing it worldwide through a certain adult magazine company. 3 days ago, the presumed culprit was caught and arrested by Konoha officials, and verified as a member of his own village. This news did not come as a surprise to many, who already knew of Konoha's disturbing penchant for perverted shinobi and their poor skills of self-concealment.

What did come as a surprise, at least to those in Konoha, was a startling revelation yesterday that the accused Pervert Ninja had easily fled the village's low-rate prison system and had been on the run for two days. Even more embarrassing was a series of nasty leaflets distributed throughout Konoha this morning, apparently straight from someone claiming to be the real Pervert Ninja, and including, among other things, another round of dirty ninja photos. So not only has Konoha captured the wrong person and let him escape, the criminal is still within Konoha's boundaries and nothing has been done about it! "We're doing everything we can," Hokage Tsunade lied at a press conference after the leaflets were found, clearly aggravated and desperate to put this behind her. "This perverted freak WILL be found and brought to justice!" she added, convincing no one.

With the Chuunin exam scheduled to begin in less than two weeks, one can only imagine what laughable, self-deprecating events Konoha will offer to the public. Though the previous invasion by yours truly proved that Hidden Leaf village is always open to making a complete ass of itself, this Pervert Ninja scandal has the makings of another classic-

Naruto threw the paper away and scowled.

Man…I hope Gaara and the others don't feel the same way this jerk does.

He looked at the clock in his spacious yet monotonous guest room – it was almost midnight.

Better get some rest then…

He fell face-first into his sturdy bed and dozed off immediately.

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A loud banging noise awoke Naruto. He checked the clock again – 2am.

Naruto grumbled and planted a dirty pillow over his head. He would have fallen asleep then…had it not been for another loud banging, coming from what sounded like the room below.

"For the love of-"

Naruto slid off the bed and put an ear to the floor. Something was shaking beneath his room. He leaned closer…now there were two voices, barely audible. The first few words he heard woke him up like a jolt of boiling coffee.

"Wow, this is the perfect screw."

"Hey Kankurou…a little to the right-"

"How did you get me to do this again?" Kankurou panted.

"Naughty Ninja tour passes, remember?"

"Oh right…let's get back to business, sis."

"Do you really need your hands in there, Kankurou?"

"No, but I'd like it if you'd let go of my nuts, Temari."

What the hell? Naruto thought to himself. You've got to be joking…

"I'm not joking Kankurou, you're better than I thought!"

More creaking and banging ensued.

"Yes, yes…yes! BOOYA!" shouted Temari.

"Sis, I'm just getting started…let's do it from the back, now-"

Naruto suddenly felt very sympathetic towards Shikamaru for some unknown reason. And for another reason that he could not comprehend, Naruto forced himself to creep down the stairs and next to the door. He could still hear the loud noises, though they had died down quite a bit.

"Say, you hear something, Kankurou?"

-SMASH-

"AHA! You two sex addicts, gimme your damn tape and no one gets…wha?"

Naruto stood there, a shaking finger pointed at Temari and Kankurou…and Shikamaru? On second inspection, it wasn't him thankfully, but a puppet that resembled him down the intricate hair style, the eyes, even his forehead protector. Various screws and nuts were strewn around its base. It was then that Naruto realized the Sand siblings had not engaged in riotous humping as he had predicted, but…

"Temari-chan? This is…what the…are you…"

"Yes, I'm that desperate!" she snapped. "I can't stand to be without Shikky, so I got puppet-boy here to do the second best thing! Go ahead, laugh it up, baka!"

Naruto didn't know whether to crack up or throw up.

"B-b-but I thought you didn't like him! Remember, you…when you were in Konoha…"

Temari grinned and began stroking the near-completed puppet in a weird fashion.

"It's true that I find him annoying, worthless, and a total idiot sometimes," she said. "But everything else about him…oh Shikky, I can't live…with or without you…"

She pushed a button on the puppet's neck, causing it to blurt out over and over "Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse…"

It looked as if she wanted to make out with the puppet on the spot.

"In that case…I'll just leave you three – I mean, you two alone…" Naruto slowly backed away from the scene and closed the door. As he headed back to his room, something Gaara had said to him earlier came to mind:

Truth is, Temari has been up to some weird activites recently…

"Man…….that is one crazy-ass bitch," he muttered, and fell asleep.

Next Chapter: The Opposite Kazekage! That's Not What I Meant, Gaara!

Mendokuse – Japanese for "How troublesome," i.e. Shikamaru's favorite statement