Thanks so much to all of you who reviewed for the last chapter. Ya, I know it wasn't all that great, but this chapter has been written and rewritten for a while and I think this one is better and I hope that you think some too. However, since you probably know Meg's situation, there is going to be a little bit of lemoness (even though Meg certainly doesn't welcome it), but this ismild so I don't think that it will freak you guys out too much.
My dear reviewers, I know I am behind with replies, but I will have them done soon.
Disclaimer: dont own.
18. Close Every Door
I remained sitting on the floor, giving into the darkest corners of my mind as the impending night drew closer. I did not weep. I did not cry. I just waited for my doom like someone awaiting death, whispering to my baby "shh, it's alright, we're going to get out of this," but even in my head the words held empty promises. What if Erik did not come? What would I do? I knew that Madame did not have much tollerance for pregnancies. If you had been a hard worker, she might let you keep your baby, but you ended up on the street. As for those who did not win her favor, especially someone like me, the old hag would force some vile potion down my throat ending the baby's life. I clutched my stomach at the thought. The very nightmare of losing the precious life that Erik and I created scared me more than losing my own life. The child within me was the only reason I still lived and I would fight with everything I was to keep it. My gaze shifted to the gap in the boards on my window. I felt my stomach churn as I noticed that sunset was approaching. I looked at the rosary on my wrist, holding it as my last lifeline.
'Dear God this game me the joy of a loving husband. Let this rosary guide me to see him again!'
I kissed the beads before tucking them under a loose floor board and hid my ring with it. The sun had begun to set. 'Oh my Jesus, give me the strength I need to survive this night.'
Soon there was a knock at the door, signalling my door. The door swung open, revealing Madame Bourais. I looked at her with spiteful, loathing eyes, wishing for the devil to do his worst to her.
"You have a customer," she spat. A dirty, grisly man appeared behind her with a look of lust that made my blood run cold. He walked through the doorway and immediately I felt threatened. The door was closed and every single lock clicked. It was like a mouse in a cage, watching the cat before it moved in for the kill.
"Hello pretty," he growled and my body became stiff and cold. I had never felt so helpless in my life, standing before a beast, trembling and quivering. He grabbed me and threw me onto the bed, but I refused to make a sound. Cries for help would do nothing but make his lust run even thicker. Before I had a chance to move, the bastard had pinned me down and tied my hands and feet to the bed. I desperately fought the ropes, only half concious of how they dug into my skin. He unsheathed a dagger and cut my dress and corset with it, tearing away my clothes and leaving me naked and defenseless. The intensity of his greedy gaze chilled me to the bone and I began to tremble. In a moment, the customer had removed his clothes and stood there ready to pounce as I trembled ever more. Even as he stood there, taking in the sight of my body, I felt terribly violated. My body was meant for Erik's eyes only! He climbed on top of me, instantly leting his hands roam where they pleased. I wanted so badly to lash out and fight him as his hands went where Erik had touched me gently and lovingly, quite unlike now. I did my best to hold all of my anger and fear in, allowing him to rape me silently. Suddenly his throbbing manhood painfully thrust into me and all of my resistance broke. I screamed and a bloody, hellish sound was released. As the brutal, terrible rocking began, I clenched my teeth and closed my eyes, trying to block out everything and imagine that it was Erik. But how could this dirty, filthy son of a bitch who was violently rocking and hurting me possibly be my husband who had made such sweet, reverent love to me? This was so horribly wrong and there was nothing I could do to stop it. At last the torture subsided and he collapsed on top of me, crushing me in the process. There was a sudden knock at the door.
"Times up, times up!"
Reluctantly, the man got up and got dressed and Madame Bourais ushered him out. When she came back, she cut my bindings, still leaving the knots on my wrists and ankles. When she left, I staggered out of bed, putting on awool night gown before collapsing onto the floor. With care, I pulled off the ropes, noticing how raw and red my skin had become. I remained there for a moment, feeling cold and numb and entirely violated. Somehow I got to my feet and stumbled to the vantity. I was such a mess. My hair was tangled and my face was blotchy, but my eyes, once a gentle brown, had darkened to a murderous black that sought blood. I could not hold it in any longer and broke down releasing all of my anger and hatred. I cried so much that my entire body shook. I slumped onto the floor and curled into a ball, pulling a thin blanket around me and chewing on the corner nervously. Never before had I felt so used and beaten. I wanted nothing more than to fall back into Erik's arms and let my problems fade away. But Erik wasn't here and no matter how much hope I had, my darker side knew that there was a chance that Erik would never rescue me. I absentmindedly stroked my stomach, where the only bit of Erik left resided.
"Oh baby," I cried, "mommy is so sorry that you had to go through that. Mommy will protect you. We'll get through this, we must." I didn't even believe myself.
A solitary ray of moonlight had peeked through the gap and fallen upon my shattered form. Something about it made me feel a little safer, almost like maman was trying to comfort me. I wondered what she was thinking right now. I know it must have shamed her to see me in such a state as this once, but twice? Fate was terribly cruel.I felt bitter. I hated everything. To possess all of the happiness I could have possibly wanted and then to have it torn away was something that changed me. It made me an animal in a cage, and if, no, when I received a chance to escape, Madame Bourais would pay dearly. But that was the problem; I could be stuck in this horrid chamber forever. I looked at the moon through the gap again, feeling an inner coldness returning. I wanted to be strong so much, but coldness had chilled me to the soul and I drearily tried to expell it.
"Close every door to me,
hide all the world from me.
Bar all the windows
and shut out the light.
"Do what you want with me,
hate me and laugh at me.
Darken my daytime
and torture my night.
"If my life were important, I would ask
will I live or die.
But I know the answers lie far from this world.
"Close every door to me,
keep those I love from me.
Children of Israel
are never alone.
"For I know I shall find
my own peace of mind.
For I have been promise
a land of my own."
I drew the blanket around myself tighter, shutting my eyes to try to stop my tears. I was so alone and powerless. I felt worthless. I had become nothing again.
"Just give me a numbr
instead of my name.
Forget all about me
and let me decay.
"I do not matter,
I'm only one person.
Destroy me completely
then throw me away!
"If my life were important, I would ask
will I live or die.
But I know the answers lie far from this world.
With newfound strength out of despair, I shakily rose to my feet and looked out through the little cracks in the boards, glaring at the cold winter sky with new resiliance and determination. They could do whatever they could, but I would hold my head up high and find a way through the deepest valleys in hell.
"Close every door to me,
keep those I love from me!
Children of Israel
are never alone!
"For we know we shall find
our own peace of mind!
For we have been promised
a land of our own!"
I continued to stare at the cold moon. Though this world could do its worst, I was to determined to fight it with all that I was. I felt as though a small weight had been lifted as I released my anguish. I vowed to get away and to see Erik again.
My body was so worn and exhausted so I ripped off the dirty sheets and curled up on the bed. It would be difficult not to wake up next to Erik, but perhaps dreaming of him would help me find some peace of mind despite this endless nightmare.
Yay! Meg finally has a song! Okay, for those of you who don't know, it was taken from another one of my ALW favorites. The song is called "Close Every Door" from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat, which I love with a passion. I hope you guys liked this one. Please review!