Hello dear reviewers! I'm sorry this took so long. I was doing a lot of work with Seduction by Cards and I wasn't entirely sure what to do about this chapter, but last night I finally got some ideas and so it's finally up! And for those of you who read to a certain part and think "Ah! Run away for there are lemons!", have no fear because this chapter is completely devoid of them.

Also, I finally got around to review replies for 18 and 19 so if anyone cares about that, feel free to check it out in my profile.

And if any of you are in the mood for something a little steamy, feel free to check out my new one-shot, Seduction by Cards. I will admit that Erik and Meg are a tad bit out of character, but its still good.

20. Prison of My Mind

Hours after Erik had fallen asleep I continued to lie there awake, staring into the thick darkness and listening to his slow, steady breath. I envied him greatly. Even now, while I was still awake, flashes of memories that I wanted so badly to erase still tortured me, but I didn't dare give into sleep, for I knew that the world of dreams would turn something that was already bad enough in waking hours into extorted, unbearable nightmares. I snuggled closer to Erik, but even he could not drive out the demons that possessed me. I wished that my husband could give me the protection that I needed as he so often did, but I learned the hard way that it was impossible to ensure that he would not be so brutally torn away again.

Eventually I did find that it became impossible for my eyes to remain open and I slipped into a series of fitful dreams that always ended with violently awakening without little or no sleep at all. It was just impossible to find any physical or mental rest at all tonight and there was no way to get around it.

Between 4:30 and 5:00 in the morning I gave up all hopes of ever finding a peaceful sleep. Carefully, I slipped out of Erik's arms and looked lovingly upon him. How I wished that for once we could live in peace, but shadows of the past that threatened the future would always haunt me and trouble him. It was even harder to watch Erik blame himself for all that had happened. God knows that he had already been through more than any human being should have to go through. At least I knew that I was not alone in my fight against the past and I was ever grateful to have him, but I was well aware that it would be a very long time before I could hope to try to forget this week of hell and even Erik's unwavering love and support would not be able to change that.

I slipped out of the bedroom as quietly as possible and crept into the bathroom. I needed to cleanse my sullied body and try to was away what I could of the brothel. I turned on the water and added lavender bubble bath, filling the room with the sweet and soothing scent. With a sight, I pulled my nightgown over my head, feeling a chill come to my flesh before I sank into the tub of warm water. Slowly I spread the lavender soap all over my body, concentration on nothing but the calming scent and blissful silence as I fought against allowing my mind to seize any opportunity to torture me. But still the images did not stop in their crusade against me and I could not stop my mind from surrendering into the eclipse of nightmares. Oh God, would there ever be an end to it!

Like a shadow, Erik slipped through the door and looked at me with gentle, yet deeply concerned eyes that made me certain he saw my suffering.

"May I join you?" he asked quietly.

I simply nodded my head while I internally drowned in gloom of the last few days. His clothes fell away and Erik gracefully climbed in beside me. Something about the contact of his bare skin enhanced by the scented bath seemed to drive away the murky illusions, not out of arousal, but from the way his flesh made his presence all the more real and definite. I rested my head on his chest and wrapped my arms around him, wanting to absorb everything that he was and desperately needing him to be with me. His heart beat beneath my ear and I placed my lips upon it. God, I loved him so much.

I closed my eyes as Erik ran his fingers through my wet hair, gently moving to my back. My skin tingled as his fingers ghosted over it and the sweetness of his caress soothed my weary soul. Though my mind was stormy and troubled, for here and now, I was beginning to feel at peace.

For some precious moments, the ceaseless, painful visions had left me and I began to feel normal again. I slowly brought my mouth up to his in a simple kiss, enjoying the friction of our bare, wet bodies and the intimacy between us, and for one second, I could even say that I was happy again. But those damnable memories quickly avenged themselves. Even while wrapped up in Erik's blissful kiss, they came back full and strong. The flashbacks came sharp and fast like bullets through my brain; being tied down, stripped, rapped, dark days and tortured nights. I kissed him more fiercely, desperate to drive them away. 'Leave me alone!' I screamed inwardly and still they came, each passing vision more graphic and real than the last. 'No! No!'

"NO!" I cried, breaking away from Erik's lips and falling onto his chest with a defeated whimper. My internal storm released itself by raining down hot, bitter tears. Why did my few precious moments of relief always have to be poisoned with such pain! My God, my God, why can't I just live!

My body began to tremble as sobs wracked it and Erik held me closer. I clasped onto him, trying to find some security, some way to escape.

"Oh Erik, why?" I wept in a voice choked with tears. "Why can't they let us live! Why won't they let us be!" I wanted so much to regain normalcy, to live happily the way we used to. Why did the world never cease in trying to punish us? Why couldn't I be free from my old profession and be happy for both our sakes? Dear God, why can't they let me live!

Erik gently slipped his finger under my chin and brought my tear stained eyes up to meet his and their clear, soft, understanding nature never failed to see right through me. His lips did not utter a single word, yet his calm gaze said everything in nothing and again I could not have been more grateful than to have him in my life. With my sobs reduced to silent tears, I clung to him, allowing his love do what it could to ease the pain of the flashbacks' passing.

A quiet, uneasy day of silent suffering gave into the dreaded night. Even as I laid there in Erik's arms, I felt distant from him as I continued to be poisoned with anecdotes of my past. I didn't even bother with fruitless attempts to drive them away. I simply let them play repeatedly in my head as they wished like little demons using me as a toy. But tonight, the exhaustion of the past, trying week and a sleepless night were too overwhelming and I subjected myself to my restless mind and allowed it to possess its greatest weapon: the power of dreams.

As usual, I returned to that dark, cold, little room that contained me. Defeatedly, I crawled into a corner like a humble little mouse. I awaited them to begin their nightly sacrifice, as I, much like a meek and helpless lamb, was tied down to the alter-like mattress and ravaged, all for measly fifteen francs. But for some reason, tonight was different.

A solitary ray of twilight fell upon the center of the room, casting an ethereal glow on that spot. The light increased and soon a gentle incandescence of moonlight filled the room. Out of nowhere, a light, glimmering fog rose where the first light had touched the room and slowly dispersed itself to every corner. A figure materialized from the gloom in the form of a girl, clothed in creamy white. She could not have been much older than me and her longer brown hair tinted with gold swayed behind her. Her gaze never left me and I noted that her eyes seemed strangely familiar.

She simply beckoned me to come to her with a wave of her hand and without question, I obeyed and sat before her.

"Meg," she said calmly as she joined me on the floor and at once I recognized the woman before me.

"Maman?" I said and her small, but gentle smile let me know that it was indeed my mother.

"I want you to know that I am proud of you, ma cherie," she said while placing her hand upon my shoulder. "You have risen from the ashes that you were left in to become a strong woman with a husband that I am most pleased with and a beautiful son that you will meet soon."

I felt my heart leap as she spoke of my baby. How wonderful it would be to have a son in Erik's image. "How did you know?"

"I am your mother. I know everything"

I smiled in acknowledgement, knowing all to well that it was true.

My mother returned my grin. "You have been very strong and brave Meg. Your father and I have been most pleased."

"But how can you possibly say that I am strong when I allow my own mind to get the better of me? I feel so weak, maman. I could hardly hold on while I was at the whorehouse and I allow my mind to be assaulted by the mere memory off it. I don't feel strong at all."

"I know, my dear," my mother sympathized. "It hurt me to watch you go through such treatment. But believe it or not, you have been strong. You held onto hope during both of those times, even when you doubted yourself, not to mention you made whatever sacrifices you could for your son. You possessed the will to live just as you do right now and you believe that there will be a day when these memories will not torment you as they do now. You have come far, very far. After all, there are many who would have easily given up and submitted to death."

"But what should I do about the present? I want to live again! I miss the happiness that Erik and I shared. I hate how my memories haunt me and keep us in separate worlds."

"I know you do. But I want you to remember and tell me what Erik told you on your wedding night when you told him that he didn't deserve you because of your former profession."

I blushed as I remembered the blissful release of that wonderful night and realized how much my mother knew about it. "He told me to forget our pasts and that we should only think about our future together."

"Exactly, and Erik is absolutely right. You are very lucky to have him Meg. His love and loyalty to you is unwavering, not to mention he has clearly proved his devotion through his rescues and I couldn't be happier watching you build your life with him. Trust him Meg. Erik has a past that he regrets as well, and he will be there to support you. Let him help you forget. As for the memories, tell him what troubles you when you are ready. Disclosure with be one of your first steps towards freedom and never be afraid to release your pain. You and Erik might even be able to heal one other. Just learn to trust each other."

I noticed that the wondrous glow of my mother's heavenly aura was beginning to fade.

"It is nearly my time to go, ma cherie" she said in a voice tinted with sadness.

A solitary tear fell down my cheek. "Please maman, don't leave me. I miss you."

With her matronly care, she drew me into her embrace. "I miss you as well, but remember Meg, I will always be there and open to your prayers. I live in you. I love you, my dear daughter, never forget that."

"I love you too maman. Help me be as caring as you were when my time comes," I said in a low, teary whisper. The twilight was beginning to fade as I pulled away as my mother faded with it. With a final wave, she was gone and my cell began to rapidly disappear.

With a small gasp, I jerked out of my sleep and sat up. I was surprised to be back in bed with Erik until I remember that it had only been a dream. A small grin spread upon my face as I looked over my husband's peaceful, sleeping form. Maman was right, I was lucky to have him and I needed to trust him entirely. Carefully I placed a light kiss upon his marred cheek and watched happily as a small grin spread across his lips before falling back into his arms. I cast one last glance heavenward as a final thanks.

'Thank you maman. Thank you so much for your guidance.'

Feeling the peace of her soul protecting me, I decided to attempt to sleep and for once, I got an entire night's rest free of nightmares.

Sorry, but this time, I wasn't able to think of any alternate endings, but I hoped you liked it anyway, and for once, it ended on a fairly light note. Please review!