Disclaimer: me no own.

21. Let Your Heart Be Light

For the first time since I had returned, endless nightmares had ceased in their torment, mostly due to the fact that something else presently consumed my thoughts.

All that I could think about now was my mother's apparition. The dream repeated itself before my eyes, every single sight and sound. Over and over I pondered about it, trying to harvest the advice that I needed most.

I spent many hours in my usual meditative spot, leaning against the rocks by the lake. I often heard Erik's faint steps and I wished I knew how to close the distance that my emotional outburst in the bathroom had caused. I couldn't help but feel like it had made him feel like he was responsible for my suffering even more. Erik didn't deserve the sadness and pain that had been brought on since my abduction any more than I did. I just wished that there were an easier way to forget. There would eventually be a time when I could share all of the things that taunted me at night and begin to drive out the demons that possessed my memory, but I knew that I was not ready for to relive those nights by retelling them yet. The internal battle of when I could be strong enough to explain everything up to my dream was a terrible struggle, because not only did it involve my memories the brothel, but Erik's heir as well.

Every time I replayed the part about the revelation of my baby, a much-needed leap of joy came to my heart. My hand rested over my womb as I reveled in the great knowledge that Erik's son slept within me. I could almost imagine him clearly; a little boy with his father's sapphire eyes, carefully looking over daddy's shoulder, fascinated by the intricate art and beauty of music. My imagination's vision of our family life was one of the few things that made me smile.

Alas, Christmas Eve arrived and I wished that I could regain half of the joy I had prior to my abduction. As much as he tried to hide it, I could still see the sadness and sympathy that was reflected in his eyes and every time they met mine, a bullet shot through my soul. I had wanted this to be a happy night as our first Christmas together and as Erik's first real time celebrating the holiday, contently and merrily singing old Christmas hymns, aspiring about the joyous wonders that awaited us in the New Year, and yes, maybe even a little sweet intimacy, but the near-dead Christmas tree and its empty branches, save for the top where the angel was perched served only as a reminder that reality's Christmas was much different from my anticipated one. I wanted to be happy or try to convince myself that I could be. I even tried to pretend that I was, but I knew that Erik saw through my façade and I couldn't help but feel that my own melancholy spirit was infecting him as well. The way my hopes for this night had started out so high and diminished into near nothing served as another reminder of how drastically seven days could change a life.

In the evening, I sat silently by the fireplace, reclining into a cushion and staring blankly into the dancing flames. A familiar warmth enveloped me as Erik sat down besides me, wrapping an arm around me, instantly breaking my trance. He handed me a mug of hot chocolate and I sipped it gratefully while reclining in his embrace. As welcoming as his presence was, there was cold sadness about it that made my heart sink.

"Merry Christmas darling," I said with a weak smile.

Gently, Erik leaned over and placed a lingering kiss upon my forehead, "Merry Christmas," he whispered.

I buried my head into his shoulder, willing myself not to cry. There was nothing merry, just a lingering gloom that refused to leave. God please, remind me of the joy I knew before, I silently pleaded as a solitary tear managed to escape my eye.

Erik held me closer gently ran his hand over the small of my back in slow, comforting circles. Within his chest, I heard a low rumble and I closed my eyes as it rose into soothing song.

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
Let your heart be light,
From now on our troubles
Will be out of sight.

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on our troubles
Will be miles away.

"Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore,
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more."

With bright assurance in his eyes, Erik lifted my chin and took my hand and I felt like something within me was growing like a small flame, getting brighter and warmer.

"Through the years we all will be together,
if the fates allow.
Hang a shining star
on the highest bow.
And have yourself a merry, little Christmas now."

Looking into Erik's gaze bright and pure, the truth struck me and at last I found the meaning I had been looking for. Erik's song was undeniably true. I had to look past everything. The suffering and darkness was over now. At last I understood. It was just like what Erik had said on our wedding night; "Both of us must forget about our pasts. Just think of our future together". Maman was right. Trusting in Erik would help me forget and help both of us to truly start anew. This Christmas Eve would be the birth of a new day, a new promise between us, and a new beginning. My gaze shifted to our poor tree. The fresh pain would soon die away, and my dear angel would take me under his wings and together we could rise above it all. A small tear of joy, of the happiness of knowing that this sadness would not last forever, slowly left its trail down my cheek.

"Please Meg, don't cry, I never meant to…"

"No Erik, I'm not sad. I'm happy," I said with the first genuine smile yet.

My smile could not help but widen as Erik continued to wear a confused look upon his face.

"It's just, the other night, I had a dream the other night that my mother appeared to me. She gave me advice on how to get past this, but I wasn't sure how to use it. And you helped me understand Erik. You can help me get through this and together we can work to dissolve the pain of our pasts. We can heal each other through trust. All we have to focus on is our future together."

A small smile appeared on Erik's face. "You never fail to amaze me, mon amour. I promise that I'll be with you through this Meg."

"I know you will, I trust you." I paused for a second, deciding that the happier news I carried was too great to hide. "You know Erik, my mother mentioned something else to me."

"What was it?" he asked with an intrigued look.

"You're going to have a son Erik," I said with a wider smile. "You're going to have a little boy."

My heart swelled with pride as a fascinated smile appeared on his face. I knew that the gender of the baby would not have affected Erik's love for it, but there was a certain bond between father and son that he would cherish undoubtedly. He leaned in and placed a chaste kiss upon my lips. My heart felt lighter and my melancholy mood had faded into rising joy.

"That is wonderful news, darling. I only wish I had such a gift for you as well."

"We don't need gifts Erik, being able to be with you tonight is one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received. You know, this might not have been the Christmas Eve I had expected, but it's all that I could have hoped for."

Again he leaned in and our lips met, his tongue lightly grazing mine. "Thank you, Meg. Thank you for a real Christmas at last," Erik whispered.

Contently, I rested my head against his chest, watching the flames dance as Erik's warm and soothing voice rang out in an angelic version of "Silent Night". It truly was a merry little Christmas Eve after all.

Yes, I know this chapter is a bit out of season, but I didn't want to wait until Christmas to post this. I feel like all of the stores that have Christmas stuff up before Halloween is even over. As for the song, ya, it is cheesy, but I wanted to make Erik sing again. I'm sorry it was just kinda blah-ish fluff. I'm pretty sure the next chapter will be better though!

Forgive me dear readers. I'm so sorry that this took forever to post and that it was kind of a let down. I haven't had much time on my hands to get on a computer at all. Though this is not the end, there are only about two or three chapters left. Also, I will try to have replies up as soon as possible!

Please review to tell me what you thought of this chapter!