Hello all! I'm happy with the reviews I got, and I hope to improve on what you've suggested. (That means Denning won't scurry anymore!) Speaking of Denning, I don't think he gets enough fics with him as a character. Well Denning, I just wanted to say that I support you, and will make you a character in my story no matter what. Sure you got only one line in the entire game! Who cares! You're still important in your own special way! Well, the entire point of my story is to write about rarely used characters (Batta the Beast, Lundgren, Glass, Teador, etc.), so I think Denning deserves a part. But enough rambling. So anyway, here we go! On with the fic!
Disclaimer- I do not own Fire Emblem, but I do own… wait, no I don't. Oh well, I guess I just got my hopes up…
Chapter 2: Ephidel's Negotiating Abilities!
On the beautiful plains of Sacae, a small fire could be seen blazing on top of a hillish mound. Around this fire was several men, apparently camping out in the plains. However, upon further investigation, it could be seen that a rather childish man was jumping around the fire, yelling.
"Yay! Fire burns big!" Batta, or Batta the Beast as he was known in several bandit cults, screamed in excitement as he watched the fire rise up and down, burning as most fires usually do.
Generic Brigand 7 sighed. "2, you think we should tell him." He said with some sadness in his voice.
"Yeah, he needs to know. It's been 3 days now. Poor kid." Generic Brigand 2 replied, getting up and walking towards the smaller, blond bandit who was captivated by the flames.
"Well, here goes nothing." Generic Brigand 7 said as he also got up to follow his companion.
Batta noticed the two coming to him, and got even more excited. "Friends! Look at the village burn! Time to pillage!" Batta yelled jumping up and down in glee.
Generic Brigand 2 took a deep breath, and spoke. "Yeah Batta, that's what we need to talk to you about. You see, the fire there… it's not a burning village. It's… just a campfire."
"Wh… what…" Batta said confused, the excitement quickly leaving his face.
"We haven't pillaged a village in 6 months, Batta." Generic Brigand 7 sadly said. "In fact, we haven't even done a single bandit like thing in that time."
"But… why!" Batta said, rage slowly entering his body.
"Because…" Generic Bandit 2 then stopped, looking at his friend for help.
"Because of you,
Batta." Generic Bandit 7 finished.
"Me!" Batta yelled,
getting more and more infuriated.
"Yeah. Every time we try to sack a village or rob a merchant caravan, you always do something stupid to mess up our plans."
Generic Bandit 7 looked at Generic bandit 2 and started laughing. "Remember that time when Batta insulted that wandering tribe of swordmasters? He said to stop wearing their hair so long?"
Generic Bandit 2 grimaced. "Don't remind me. That Karel alone killed half our clan just by doing a badass pose before fighting!"
'Now, your very smart and well- read brother Bartre told us to take care of you, and because he's my friend, I did it. But now, I don't think we can keep you anymore." Generic Bandit 7 said, putting his head down in sadness.
"Batta… you're fired." Generic Bandit 2 said as dramatic music suddenly kicked in.
"But… but sir! Please!" Batta begged.
"I will have no further discussion on this." Generic Bandit 2 said, getting up with his companion and leaving.
Batta suddenly got very angry, and pulled a huge axe seemingly out of nowhere, and charged at the Brigands. "You can't fire Batta the Beast! AHHHH!" he screamed as he swung with all his might right at the off- guard bandit's necks. His axe cleaved into them, but instead of them falling to the ground, it was Batta who did it, walling in pain as he rolled all over the ground.
Generic Brigand 7 slapped his forehead in disbelief. "Batta! I told you never to use the Devil Axe! You have no luck at all!"
"Come on 7, let's leave him. For every time he's accidentally hit himself with the Devil Axe, 50 of our clan have accidentally been killed by him during training."
The two bandits left the pathetic bandit screaming in pain.
"Ah! Batta's body burns in pain!" he wailed, rolling on the ground.
And all the while, Ephidel had been secretly watching this pathetic spectacle, his sides splitting with laughter.
"Oh man!" he managed to get out, wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes. "This guy is so incompetent! Just like Nergal likes em'!" There was nothing Ephidel loved more than mocking incompetence, so he quickly teleported to Batta so he could begin what he called, "The Sport of Kings".
'You know," Ephidel sneered, phasing in right next to the half- dead bandit lying on the ground, "People as stupid as you should be using weapons. I think it breaks some sort of safety ordinance."
"Who… who you callin' stupid, crazy man." Batta said through gasps.
"What color is the grass, Batta?" Ephidel said, smiling slyly, pointing to the very greenish ground.
"Uh… uh… color?" The bandit replied, very confused.
Ephidel had a look of half- pity, half- contempt on his face. "Well then, I guess that proves that I am, indeed, calling you stupid."
Batta did not reply, as he continued to try to comprehend the question. "Color" he mouthed to himself.
"Oh for Elmine's sake!" the sage yelled as he almost pulled out his long black hair. Dealing with idiocy was not his strong suit. Well, dealing with anybody was not his strong suit, actually… Ephidel took a few deep breaths, and then continued. "All right Batta, here's the deal. Nergal needs pawns for his evil plans to dominate the world. Now, here's you contract to Nergal." He said, summoning a scroll and quill out of mid- air. "You see, the local law states that one cannot be forced to sign something without their consent. So, I have an interesting deal for you. I have a vulenary right here. I notice that you bleeding to death. If you don't sign the contract, I'll allow the bleeding to continue, and I'll get a good laugh out of it. But, if you sign this, I'll allow you to live." (If an intelligent person were in their company, he/ she would have clearly heard the "for now" he muttered under his breath after his statement)
"Batta don't wanna die! Batta wanna burn things!" The half-witted brigand said.
"Batta, please don't talk again. I'm doing everything in my power to resist blasting your imbecility off the face of the planet." After cooling down, (he had to do this many times during this negotiation) he began again. "And finally, do you know what a 'legally binding slave/ meat puppet' is?"
"Meat…" Batta whispered, salivating in hunger.
"I'll take that as a… no. That's good." Ephidel said scornfully, tired of all the idiots he had to put up with. "OK, Batta. We're done here. Just sign on the dotted line."
Ephidel gave him the quill, and all Batta could do was study it in wonder. After a few moments of this, Ephidel snatched the quill away from him and wrote 'Batta' on it.
"All right." Ephidel said, tossing him the vulenary. "That was a very… productive meeting. Now, you're going to be warped involuntarily to the Dragon's Gate in a week. Let's hope I never see you again." And with that, Ephidel teleported out of the field, leaving Batta all alone to his thoughts, which were currently revolving around meat.
Ephidel phased onto the Dread Isle seconds later, when we suddenly clutched his head. "I lost too many brain cells talking to that guy. Nergal owes me for doing all of this." He then took out a clipboard, and checked off 'Batta'. "All right, who's next." He thought. "Hmm… Glass, level 3 mercenary, says the Gods fear his name… Ugh! Why do I have to deal with all of this incompetence!" He screamed as he teleported away, dreading his next inane meeting.
Poor Ephidel! His genius doesn't get a break, does it? Thankfully, the next chapter won't be an inane meeting with Glass, but instead, a totally different perspective. (First it was Nergal, then Ephidel) I have a lot of ideas for this fic, and I really hope that this chapter was good. Well, keep reviewing! I'd love to here from all of you guys about what you think. And don't be afraid to criticize (at least constructively). See you next time!
- General Subwoofer