Billy the Kid

Rating: PG-13 (Language/Sexual Innuendo)
Setting: AU Post BT
Spoiler: Entire Series is fair game
Synopsis: John's thoughts as a couple of aliens ask something they shouldn't.
Disclaimer: I don't own them I only borrow them for a time. We all know to who the real credit for this genius belongs. Thank you.
Thanks: A big thank you to Kerlin and AerynCrichton for beta reading this. They were a big help.
Notes: This was a story that I wrote a while back and posted on the Farscape Kansas forum. I ran across it again and decided to post it here. I hope that you enjoy.

"Are you John Crichton?"

Sheesh! You'd think they could come up with a better opening line. Same dren different planet, different day, and different species asking. These guys don't look too tough. Just seven feet tall and full of muscles. Aeryn, of course, will give her usual response.

"No, he isn't, so piss off!"

Well, actually, that's kind of new. Morning sickness has been in full swing for about a weeken and she hasn't been in a very good mood. Which means that if I want to keep her from killing these two yo-yos I had better think of something fast.

"You'll have to excuse my wife. She's been feeling a little under the weather lately."

"You can piss off too. It's your fault I feel like this!"

Ahhhh, my lovely wife. Isn't she just a little ray of sunshine? No! Well, most of the time she is very sweet. Okay, so that isn't exactly true. But hey, what can I say, I love her. And she loves me. Just look at how well she is learning English. I mean she only learned 'piss off' a weeken ago and look at how much she is using it now.

"Yeah, well we think that you're John Cricthon!"

Wow, the ugly one can actually use the word think. I am impressed. No not that ugly one. The REALLY ugly one. Yeah, that one, the one that looks like Don King and King Kong's love child.

"They already told you that he wasn't Crichton."

And heeeeeeeeeeeere's D'argo. Gotta love that cuddly Luxan. I mean, Aeryn thought that I was going to be bad about protecting her and the baby. Ever since that whole little mix up on Qujaga, D'argo has been hovering over her like she is the reincarnation of Lo'Laan. It is driving Aeryn nuts, but at least he's taking some of the heat off of me. Now that is a buddy.

"Yeah! So why don't you just… just… leave them be!"

Should have known that Pip would be attached to D'argo's hip. Oh, I guess I should just be glad they have their clothes on. Lately, if they're attached at the hip they've been doing the horizontal mamba, even if it isn't always horizontal. I mean, I'm the newlywed here but D'argo must have sex at least four times as much as I do. How unfair is that?

"We're sorry."

"We were just going to ask for his autograph."

Autograph? Now that is definitely new. What? Am I the Billy the Kid of the Uncharted Territories now?

"Frell! Just what he needs. A another kick to his ego."

Have I mentioned how much I love her?

"Boost, honey. Boost to my ego."

Do you think she'd be in a better mood if I let her shoot them? Nah, can't let her kill my adoring public.

"Sure, who do I make it out to?"

"Rackins"

"And Goutirs Mr. Crichton."

"Goutirs, none of the other kids are going to believe that we met John Crichton."

"I know!"

Kids! I'd hate to see the mother that slaps their wrist when they snurch some cookies.