Nothing Else Matters

by meleth78

‘Everyone has moved on. Perhaps it’s time that I did to also.’

Title: Nothing Else Matters by meleth78

Genre: Romance/Drama

Characters: Kakashi/Iruka

Rating: PG

Comments: Everyone is moving on, what will Kakashi do? Set after the 3yr time gap.

Disclaimer: Still not mine. I'm beginning to see a pattern. I should start a petition.

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'Why are you doing this?'

Those were first words to emerge from Iruka as he re-materialized in Kakashi's living room. The slender, tanned young sensei stands over the crouching jounin, hands on hips, legs spread wide. An aggressive stance.

'Eh? Yo, Iruka sensei!' Kakashi's head shoots up from its lowered position, exposed blue eye immediately curving up into an inverted U, an almost careless smile appearing underneath his thin mask. The jounin appears completely oblivious to the tone quite apparent in the chuunin's voice. 'Ne sensei, congratulations on being chosen to participate in the jounin trials. I just heard.'

'Why are you doing this?' repeats Iruka. The question is ground out through clenched teeth. The sensei couldn't seem to stay still, shifting about on the balls of his sandaled feet, agitated. His left hand lifts to impatiently brush back stands of dark hair that had escaped his hair tie.

Again he was ignored.

'It's an honor just to be chosen. I wish I had the time to help you prepare but unfortunately I have a mis-' continues the jounin shoving more equipment into his already full knapsack. Hurried, messy, clumsy, lacking the usual precision with which Kakashi usually paid to his pre-mission planning.

'KAKASHI!' Anger unleashed. Uncontrolled. Uncontained.

The pale man stills immediately, his hand frozen in the midst of forcing ration packs into an overstuffed side pocket.

'Why are you doing this?' Still the same question but softer this time. More pained, disbelieving.

'This? I'm just packing. It's normal you know, to pack before a mission.' Kakashi smiles again as he answers, finally standing up to face the younger man. He brushes his palms on the black material of his newly issued uniform and adjusts the bands firmly clasped on his lean, pale arms. Cultivated nonchalance. Iruka knows his jounin too well.

'Why have you rejoined the ANBU?' Iruka couldn't stop the sharp breath that he took after he forced the question out.

Silence.

'Why not?' Kakashi's voice had deepened The words were softly uttered, an unspoken warning perhaps. The lips beneath the mask thinned. Sullen. The change was both swift and disconcerting. A testament to the malleable being that is the Copy Ninja.

'Is this because of my trials?' asks the sensei taking a step forward only to have the jounin turn his back and reach for yet another item for his pack.

'Not everything is about you Ruka.' Kakashi's voice remains quiet. The jounin fiddles with the thick wire he picked up from the couch, winding it around his fist, testing its strength before releasing it and starting again. He repeats this action again and again and Iruka can't help but stare at the sleek competence in the jounin's deft movements. It wasn't hard to imagine the same hands wielding the wire in battle.

'Oh, so you just suddenly decided to return to ANBU status out of the blue? It has nothing to do with the fact that I-'

'I'm not needed here.'

'What are you talking about? Of course you're needed here. There are many missions that only jounin can-' burst in Iruka. The sensei's arms remained clenched at his sides.

'There are more missions that only an ANBU can undertake,' spit the jounin. 'And-' he stops abruptly for a moment, taking a breath, lowering his voice, 'everyone has moved on. Perhaps it's time that I did to also.'

'And you decided this all by yourself.' The anger was back in Iruka's voice. The disbelief.

'Yes. Well, I had to clear it with Tsunade first.' Kakashi replies as he brushes past the chuunin on his way to the kitchen. His tone was once again light, breezy, almost carefree.

Iruka follows stopping only when Kakashi stops to pull open the fridge door. He is so close he can almost feel the air around him shift as Kakashi bends to pull something out from the fridge. Cold air wafes out.

'Why now? Why when I'm so close to-'

'So close to what?' questions the jounin as he pulls out a pack of milk, yanking the mask down simultaneously and drinks straight from the carton. He gags suddenly, coughing; milk splatters on the floor and drips down the jounin's chin. Kakashi curses, slamming the carton onto the kitchen table. He swipes the back of his hand against his chin.

'You're leaving me behind again.' Iruka reaches out and catches the jounin's hand in his own, stopping Kakashi's rough, sharp movements. He brushes away the remnants of milk from the pale skin with his fingertips. Gentle, delicate. 'You drink too fast, I keep telling you.' Soft. Iruka's hand lingers even after the milk is gone.

'What are you talking about? It's just a mission.' The jounin pulls away abruptly, walking over to grab a rag and drop it on the floor, using his feet to move it around, cleaning up the spilt milk.

'You know what I'm talking about.' Still soft. Weary. Iruka rubs at his eyes, before pressing the back of his palm against his mouth. He rests the other hand on his hip, fingers fidgeting with the material he finds bunched there.

'And you're talking in circles again. I hate that. I don't have time for this. I have to leave soon and I'm not done packing.' Kakashi stalks back into the living room, back to his belongings.

'So I'm the only one who waits, is that it?' Iruka follows.

'This has nothing to do with you.'

'This has everything to do with me.'

'What do you want from me? Help you train for the trials? You'll pass Iruka. You were ready a long time ago; you just had to believe it.'

'I know that now. You helped me see that.'

'And when you're a jounin. You'll go on missions. Things will change. You'll change. You won't have the time to-' Kakashi stops himself, 'I won't have the-'

'That's what this is about. That's why isn't it?' There isn't a question in the sensei's voice.

'What?'

'You just don't want to wait for me.'

'What's with you and this waiting? What do you want? For me to hang around till your trials are over? Is that it?' The jounin pulls the pack closed tightly, forcefully pushing the catches into their respective places.

Iruka shakes his head. He doesn't quite seem to notice that Kakashi can't see his actions given that the jounin is facing away from him.

'No? Too literal an interpretation perhaps? Let see now. What else….Ahh yes… are you talking about catching up with me? Becoming equals. Two jounin?' Kakashi still doesn't look over to where the chuunin is standing.

Iruka remains silent. Confirmation in his unrelenting quiet. Part of what Kakashi said was true anyway.

'So-ka.' It is unnerving how accurate the jounin is at interrupting the young sensei's non-answers without even sparing him a glance. 'That's your problem, not mine. I never saw you as someone beneath me. Well, not unless you were actually beneath me,' Kakashi turns to leer, finally gracing the chuunin with his hard gaze.

'You just don't want to be the one left behind.' Iruka's response is unfazed. Determined to provoke.

Success. The jounin glares, the silver in his pale blue eye glitters piercingly. For once Iruka is glad that the red Sharingan was hidden. He isn't sure he would want to face that disconcerting crimson orb at the current moment.

'That's it isn't it?' continues the chuunin.

'It's not what I do,' replies Kakashi, voice flat.

'No, it's what I do. Because I'm a pathetic stupid moron-' Iruka is furious with himself now.

'You're not. Ruka, you-' Kakashi take a couple of steps towards the sensei before halting, uncertain.

'Then why am I always, always waiting, worrying, wondering if you're dead, if you're injured-' His voice is raw.

'I'm not you. I don't want to be the one wondering if you're ok, if you're hurt. I can't- I can't live like that.'

'You're a selfish bastard.'

Kakashi laughs. Harsh. Mocking. He can't believe that the chuunin is only figuring that out now.

'As long as you are at the academy, you're safe. I was safe. Now it's all going to change. I have to change as well. Don't you see? It makes sense.'

'It doesn't make ANY sense Kakashi! What is this? A contest? To see who can hurt himself more? Who can die first? This doesn't make any sense!' Frustrated. Furious.

'It makes PERFECT SENSE!' yells the jounin. He shoves the heavy knapsack off the table with one furious hand and it falls to the floor with a loud thud. The wire that had been loosely wound and attached to an external hook breaks free and uncoils snap-fast.

'Break up with me then! Tell me to fuck off! Tell me to never see you again. Tell me to stop wanting you, to stop loving you. You want to protect yourself? Tell me that. Not this fucked up irrational nonsense,' shouts Iruka. He is almost gasping as he struggles to breathe through the tears he refuses to shed. He isn't done yet. 'But you won't will you? Because you want me to continue loving you. You want me to continue waiting for you. You want something you can return to. You're selfish. And you're a coward. And you'll destroy me to save yourself.'

The sensei stalks over to the tense jounin and pulls hard at Kakashi's slack arm.

'Look at me! At least have the guts to do that.'

Kakashi continues to stare fixedly off to the side, jaw muscles working hard. Clenching, unclenching, clenching.

'Kashi-' Iruka murmurs, he notices something. He steps in closer, lifting up a hand to caress the jounin's tense jaw but stops just before touching skin. Hovering. 'Don't do that. You're bleeding.' Kakashi has bitten clean into his lower lip, breaking skin, drawing blood.

Kakashi blinks and continues to look away, drawing in slow, harshly controlled breaths. In. Out. In. Out. Hypnotic. He doesn't move to press against the palm suspended so close to his face, but then he doesn't move away either.

Iruka breaks. His hand drops.

'Wait for me ok? I'll be jounin soon. You said so yourself. I'll pass. I know I will. And then-' The sensei's voice is still heavy with tears. Pleading again.

'Then what? You'll request that I be your mentor during your probation? We'll go on mission as a team? Be partners?' The jounin is losing the battle to control his breathing; he licks at his torn lip, his chest is starting to heave slightly. Stupid. Training indoctrinated since childhood so easily lost.

'It's not unprecedented.' Hopeful now. Say yes.

'No it's not. You're not the first person to think of it,' replies Kakashi flatly. 'It'll work for a while but sooner or later you'll go off on your own. You have to. That's what jounins do. You can't depend on me forever.'

'I can't depend on you?' Iruka laughs. It's not a pleasant sound.

Kakashi looks at him. Finally. Yet there is no give in the jounin's gaze, it is hard, unnerving, pained.

'I know it's not going to be easy for you-' said Iruka. This time it is the sensei who looks away.

'I CAN'T do this Iruka.'

'You can. You have to.' Whispered. Broken.

'I can't. I'm sorry.' The crack in Kakashi's voice is excruciating to hear because it is so unexpected.

'But I love you.' Iruka continues to stare at the floor. His words are almost too soft to decipher but the jounin hears it anyway.

'You're oversimplifying things. It's not that simple. It's NEVER that simple.' Kakashi sits heavily down on the couch, pressing the lower pads of his palms against his forehead. He is slouched into himself, protective.

Iruka drops down and kneels between the jounin's spread legs. The chuunin angles his face to allow him to peek up at the jounin's down-turned silvered head. He asks,

'Do you love me?'

Kakashi's head shoots up, brown and blue gazes clash. Neither can look away. Only one wants to.

'Not fair Ruka,' whispers the jounin finally. His single blue eye slides shut as he exhales and slumps even further. Unable to stop himself, Kakashi's hands reach up and softly slide into Iruka's dark hair, pulling the chuunin in closer, pressing his forehead against the younger man's. Forgotten hitai-ates clink before being impatiently yanked off and thrown to the side. Iruka sighs and reaches out to wind his arms around the older man. Tight. Then even tighter.

'Yes it is. You and me. Nothing else matters.' The low voice is firmer now. Rallying.

'What if something happens to you?' It's amazing how the jounin still can sound like a child at times.

'Then you'll cry. You'll scream. You'll break down. And you'll probably never recover. You'll want to die. In fact, you'll probably spend your days waiting to die.' The sensei pauses and draws a breath. 'But Kakashi - you'll carry on living anyway. Doing what you do, what you can do to help the village, to protect our people. Know why? Because that's our way. That's what we do.'

When Kakashi shakes his head, silent, Iruka continues,

'And maybe you'll even become a better shinobi. After all, if you don't value your life any longer, what do you have to lose? We live to serve. We have to be useful, no matter what.'

'Is that what you tell yourself?'

'Yes. I learnt that from watching you, from watching the others, but mostly- but mostly from waiting for you. But I still pray though.' A small, self-deprecating smile appears on the sensei's lips. He then chants in a sing-song voice, 'Hey kamisama, do you mind keeping Kakashi safe? Also, Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Hinata and so on and so forth.'

Iruka stops then and draws a breath; he leans back on his haunches and slings his arms around Kakashi's neck pulling the other man forward. Tilting his head to get a better look at the jounin, the somewhat sad smile is still on his lips as the sensei continues,

'But sometimes, sometimes I think even God lets things slip through the cracks. He did with Hayate. With the Third. There are no guarantees.'

'I didn't want to fall in love with you.' Kakashi's statement is vehement as it is unexpected, abrupt. It throws Iruka for a bit but he recovers quickly enough. One has to evolve, to adapt when one is in a relationship with the last living member of the Hatake bloodline.

'I know that.' The sensei lips are still curved slightly upwards as he replies. He shakes his head at the ill-tempered, almost child-like quality that is still apparent in the jounin's tone.

'I don't WANT love you.' Kakashi exhales sharply, blinking as he once again refuses to meet Iruka's dark eyes. He accomplishes this by burying his face in the sensei's neck. Warm. Comforting. Iruka always was those things. Iruka is always going to be those things.

'I know that too.' Anyone else would have been furious with the jounin but Iruka knows better. 'But you do anyway don't you? Poor Kakashi-kun. Why can't you ever get things going your way ne?' He ruffles the silvered head affectionately, hugging the taller man even closer.

'That's good. Mock me.' Kakashi's voice is muffled and his lips tickle the chuunin as he exhales softly into the warm skin of Iruka's nape. Iruka sighs.

'Love you.' The words are murmured into silver hair. Kakashi says nothing but shifts to rest his hand on Iruka's slender back, one arm griping the sensei tight, the other moving about in seemingly random patterns.

'Are those supposed to be hearts you're tracing out on my back?' questions the younger man, a smirk in his voice, 'Didn't we have a conversation about your lack of artistic skills already?'

When he receives a hard thump, Iruka laughs and continues,

'Soooo…you know, you can't be my mentor if you're an ANBU member,' murmurs the sensei, 'You better rescind your application.' He's won, he knows he's won.

'Aren't you getting ahead of yourself there chuunin?' Kakashi pulls away and leans back against the couch to glare at the still-kneeing younger man. The jounin doesn't move because he knows that the positions that he and Iruka are in have definite…potential.

Iruka raises a brow at the condescension apparent in the jounin's voice. He smiles questioningly, just a little uncertain. What now?

'You haven't actually passed yet and here you are staking your claim on one of the most revered jounin in Kohoha's history. How…presumptuous,' continues the pale man, exposed eye narrowing in mock affront.

'Sou ne.' replies Iruka, not quite able to keep the laughter out of his response. When Kakashi lifts a brow, Iruka clears his throat and straightens smartly, saying 'Sumimasen o-jounin-sama. It was….impudent of me. Perhaps you should put this irreverent chuunin back in his place?'

The young sensei leans in closer to the immobile Kakashi, his lips curving in mischief. He continues, voice low, whispering,

'Maybe you better punish me, so I don't forget my place again.' Iruka's mouth hovers against Kakashi, so close that the jounin can feel the chuunin's breath with every word he speaks, 'Are you going to punish me?'

There is still no response from the older man. Iruka nudges Kakashi with his elbow,

'Ne, o-jounin-sama?'

He is yanked forward. Mouths open. Warm, wet and hard. Tongues tangle. Slick and impatient. Both men gasp, breaths mingling. Neither stops or lets go. Neither wants to.

It wasn't going to be easy, but then nothing worth it ever was. They would figure out a way because nothing else mattered as much.

THE END