The Coldest of Hearts - Part Eleven
General Hammond was happily oblivious to his CMO's actions. He'd finally returned to base to grab a few hours sleep before resuming his command at the SGC. He was a little perturbed by the body that had been discovered. The report from the search team had left him no illusion as to the cause of death, but as to the motive for his 2IC's actions, he had no doubts that the man had had reasonable justification at the time.
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Some twenty-four hours later Jack's continued reticence to talk was a worry to the General. He'd spoken at length with the army's CO at Peterson, who felt that any further action resulting from the incident was entirely in Hammond's hands – as far as the army were concerned, except for Mayer's escape, it was mission accomplished.
He steeled himself outside his 2IC's room before entering. Jack certainly looked better than when he was first brought in, but only just ... the lack of light in his 2IC's eyes gave George the shivers.
He sat down without speaking at first, giving Jack time to focus his attention on him. "How are you feeling son?" he asked kindly.
Jack turned his head towards him, his eyes a little unfocused as if he had just woken. "Not too bad, sir," he responded quietly.
Hammond nodded. "Do you think you can tell me what happened out there Jack?"
Jack nodded slowly in return. He knew it would have to come out in the end and although he had done nothing that he would not do again given the same choices, it still shamed him that he had made the choices he had.
He spoke. His tone was flat ... completely lifeless. He told of 'despatching' Brinks in the briefest way possible and continued on to tell the General as much of the story as he could stomach.
Hammond realised that Jack hadn't told him the full depth of it all. When he back-tracked Jack to the killing, goading Jack into telling more of it, he saw the man's eyes flash for a split second with absolute hatred ... his flat tone lit with a spark of anger as he let slip just what he hadn't intended to say.
The General winced and his eyes closed in reaction as he realised with a sudden jolt just what Jack had implied, more from what he hadn't said, than from what he had ... just how close Cassie had come to being raped and that Jack was blaming himself for the situation.
George Hammond sat and digested the full extent of what had happened. Under the circumstances Brinks was lucky to have died a quick death. The General adored Cassandra Fraiser, and his stomach churned with the thought that if it had been one of his granddaughters in that situation, he knew with crystal clarity that he would have done no less than Jack had.
"You couldn't have known Jack, don't blame yourself. You acted in time."
Jack's eyes lit briefly on the General's face. "Yeah, I showed her another way to kill ... you should have seen her George – she was terrified."
"You'd rather he'd succeeded?"
"NO!" Jack spat vehemently.
"You did what you had to, son, your training kicked in, took over ... Cassie's strong, she'll get over that a hell of a lot easier than ..." George's voice faded to a halt.
"It doesn't alter the fact that I ..." Jack's voice broke. "I had to make a choice and I let her down George."
George leaned closer to Jack. "Son, we all have to make choices we don't like, you know that as much as I do ... if not better."
"Mayer was going to kill her and I put the missile and complete strangers above her life ... how do I look her in the face again? How do I justify that to her? Sorry Cass, but a hundred nameless people just took on more importance than you ..."
George saw the stone wall the man had built crumbling slowly. Cracks had opened as the years had piled on the stress and although he always knew Jack had tremendous heart and soul, he hadn't realised until now just what his service to his country had cost...
"You did what was right son and what Cassie would have told you to do. If that missile had left this country it would have most likely been the ultimate cause of death to not just hundreds, but thousands of lives."
"Most likely ... ultimate cause ... yeah sounds good doesn't it – but how do you do that to a child and expect them to trust you ever again?"
Jack's dark eyes fixed Hammond's with such a desolate plea that General George Hammond almost felt he could cry for him. Trust was so hard won with this man, so important ... love and respect ... goddamn the world at times...
"Cassie will, you'll see."
Jack shook his head sadly, his eyes closing, almost as if against his will. "I don't think so George, not this time."
George was about to speak when there was a sharp knock at the door and a SF entered.
"Sorry Sirs," he apologised quickly, "but I have an urgent call for you General."
Hammond nodded and got to his feet. "I'll see you later Jack. Get some rest. It'll work out okay son." He gently squeezed the Colonel's good shoulder and left, cursing the untimely call.
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The General didn't in fact get to see Jack later – he was too busy dealing with an off-world incident at the SGC. He briefly spoke to Major Carter and asked her to pass on his apologies to the Colonel and without giving anything away he pointedly ordered SG1 to stay on stand down at the hospital until further notice.
The next few days at the SGC were hectic and the General was kept updated on his 2IC's continual physical improvement, but the nagging worry that all was not well would just not leave him...
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Cassie continued to improve, bouncing back with a ferocity that surprised Janet. The question that she was not prepared for so soon however, was launched...
"When can I see Jack?"
Janet stopped in mid flow, her hands stilling on the cards she'd been shuffling. Her heart hammered in her throat. Cassie had been repeatedly asking how Jack was, but had accepted Janet's brief automatic responses up until now.
Cassie waited. "Mom?" she asked eventually when Janet seemed as if she would ignore her by beginning to deal the cards.
"What?" asked Janet absently, concentrating on the cards with undue care.
"When can I see Jack?"
"Not yet."
"I though you said he was okay?"
"He is."
"So why can't I see him?"
"I ... He's not having visitors yet."
"Sam's visiting ... Daniel, Teal'c ..." said Cassie, rising up on the bed slightly.
"You're a patient."
"So?"
"That means you can't visit."
"I'm okay Mom, when do I get to go home then?"
"Soon."
"You said that yesterday."
"The doctors said a couple of days," responded Janet vaguely.
"Why can't I see Jack?" Cassie continued to whine. It was so unlike her Mom that Cassie was beginning to wonder. "I'm not frightened," she said suddenly.
Janet's eyes flew up to regard her daughter. "You need to speak to Colonel Draper yet," she said, deliberately changing the subject.
Cassie's eyes dimmed with the reminder. She wanted to forget it all, put it behind her ... somehow she felt that if she spoke about it, it made it seem too real – to raw. Her nightmares had started to recede and instead of the knife and Brinks she had begun to remember just how safe she had felt with Jack, and she wanted that back ... more than anything, and she wanted to make sure that he was alright. She was old enough to realise just what Jack had gone through and what he had done to protect her – putting himself in danger – ready to sacrifice himself for her. She knew that Jack couldn't have done anything else. The last couple of days she had gotten a little more information from Sam about the missile and she understood just what Jack had had to do...
Cassie felt her mom's eyes on her as she thought. Her mother suddenly looked older and tired ... very tired. She drew herself up on the bed and engulfed a surprised Janet in her arms.
Janet gave a startled gasp before responding by putting her own arms around the girl. "Hey, it's okay."
"I know, it's just that ... I want to go home, be normal ... why can't things just not happen?"
"There's no answer to that, I wish there was."
"Things get pretty weird don't they?" asked Cassie, suddenly sitting back, but keeping hold of her mom's hands.
Janet's mouth broke into the first glimmer of a smile that Cassie had seen in days. "They sure do honey."
"But you know what Mom?"
Janet gave her a questioning look.
"I wouldn't trade any of the people in my life for anything!"
Janet felt the tears pricking and she pulled her daughter close again to hold her even more tightly.
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Worry about what she had not only thought, but done to Colonel O'Neill had begun to surface in Janet's mind, but the overwhelming fear of Mayer being loose out there chased away the doubts that kept on flickering. She managed to sway away Cassie's demands by promising that once she was home and the Colonel was fit she would see what she could do.
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The Colonel continued to ask Sam and Daniel how Cassie was, and Sam had actually commented to Janet about Cassie seeing the still very sick man, but Janet had conveyed the impression that Cassie didn't wish to and then changed the subject. Sam had felt reluctant to pursue the issue. She had also noticed Janet's avoidance of the Colonel's care - but he never asked about the doctor.
She knew that the Colonel wasn't himself and despite physically continuing to improve, his usual buoyancy wasn't there ... his whole manner was repressed.
Daniel had tried to draw the man from the low spirits he seemed to be in and gotten short shift, but even that reaction had no fire ... just a flat request to get out.
When Sam had revealed to him that Cassie had gone home with Janet he seemed to sag and withdraw even further.
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Recent multiple injuries sustained by off-world teams meant that Sam and Daniel were recalled to the SGC and that General Hammond was kept even busier. He'd returned to see his 2IC briefly, but was unable to engage him in conversation.
Though Teal'c's services could have been readily utilised, he was adamant that he would be staying put and for once the General was in complete agreement with the Jaffa. He felt bad enough withdrawing the rest of SG1 – feeling like he was withdrawing the support his 2IC sorely needed, but the galaxy wasn't waiting...
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Jack lay on his bed. It was late afternoon and he'd been allowed out of bed for the last couple of days under supervision. He was slowly going nuts he realised, the walls closing in on him along with his guilt and self hatred. He squinted out of the window; the afternoon's sun lazily glanced through the trees that were dotted across the hospital lawns. His gaze lit briefly on the hospital wing opposite his window, wondering perhaps if somewhere, someone was laying there feeling the same despondency that he was. He gave a rueful shake of his head. 'Nah – there couldn't be another bastard like me – the world's just too small for that!'
The envelope on his bedside table addressed to General Hammond had finally been sealed. He'd dated and signed his resignation – it only remained to be delivered.
Bleakly he wondered just what the future held. He had no doubts that he would retreat to his cabin ... maybe get a dog – yeah a dog would be good. Maybe he wouldn't have to let the animal down. Fed, walked and loved – dogs were simple – not like people.
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Janet was extremely tired, the sleepless nights were long, and every creak in the house had her wide-awake listening, despite locking the house up like Fort Knox. During the day it wasn't as bad, but every time there was a knock at the door her heart hammered, despite telling herself she was being stupid.
Cassie had finally been released from the hospital and her continued requests to visit Jack wore at Janet's nerves. She'd tried avoidance and all the usual excuses and Cassie had started to get angry. Janet finally snapped.
"Why can't I?" argued Cassie for what felt like the millionth time that day.
"Because," snapped Janet.
"That's not an answer," snapped back an equally angry Cassie. She hadn't even seen Sam and Daniel for over three days. She hadn't felt like seeing her school friends, she didn't think she could gloss over what had happened – just yet.
Janet's frayed nerves finally tore apart. "Because he doesn't want to see you!" she yelled.
Cassie's stunned face almost undid her. The girl's eyes widened and her mouth quivered and, as the first shocked tears began to fall, she turned away and ran up the stairs...
"Cassie, I ..." The door to her bedroom slammed shut. "I didn't mean it ..." finished Janet with a whisper. The house ached with an eerie quiet that made the woman shiver as she stood, her hand falling uselessly to her side, her throat aching with unshed tears.
The phone's ringing brought her out of her stupor and she brushed at her eyes trying to clear them while snatching it up.
"Doctor Fraiser," she snapped briefly, trying to keep her voice steady.
The operator from the SGC rapidly gave her Hammond's directive to report in. Janet wondered momentarily at refusing and asking to speak to Hammond direct before the doctor in her responded to the emergency – Hammond wouldn't have called her in if it weren't absolutely necessary.
Hanging up the phone after giving her acquiescence, Janet began to gather her belongings, purse and keys before running upstairs to come to a halt outside Cassie's door. The bolt that was rarely used was in place and she gave the knob a quick shake before speaking.
"Cassie, I've been called in – medical emergency. I'll speak to Mrs Byrne next door to keep an eye out and if I can't get back I'll ask if you can stay over." The only response from the room was complete silence. "Cassie, I'm sorry, look we'll talk later. Will you be okay? If you don't want to stop alone you can come with me." She tried for one last time, hoping Cassie would choose the safety of the SGC, but to no avail.
"I'll stay." The reply was slightly muffled, but sounded quite calm, considering.
"That's fine," lied Janet, thoroughly dismayed at the response. "If you want anything just call, okay? I'll be as quick as I can."
Janet shook her head as she made her way downstairs. The lousy timing some things had ... but then again a little breathing space wouldn't hurt. She called at the neighbour's house before leaving and Mrs Byrne was more than willing to keep an eye out – saying she would call over in a couple of hours anyway.
Janet pulled her seat belt on before starting the car and for a moment she glanced up to the bedroom window – a niggle of worry etching at her ... sighing deeply, realising there was nothing she could do for the moment, she started the car and began her journey to work.
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Cassie peered through the curtain and watched her Mom's car moving off. She gave it a count of five minutes before gathering some things in her bag and picked up the phone to call for a cab, giving an address that wasn't her own. Quietly she let herself out of the house and made her way down the street. Safely out of the view of the nosy neighbours, she stood outside the house she'd given the address of to the cab company and waited...
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Jack had begun to settle back a little again on the bed, feeling drained by the not so quick trip to the bathroom, but he was thankful that at last they let him have that privilege. Bedpans and bottles were something he particularly hated and would never get used to, despite the practice he got.
The swathe of bandages on his chest had been reduced to lighter dressings and he felt considerably better for it. Thankfully they'd allowed him to don the sweat pants Teal'c had procured for him and although he didn't think that yellow was a particularly good colour, he was too grateful to grouse at the Jaffa – well not much anyway. The hospital dressing gown hung loosely across his shoulders, it was much too much of a bother to fasten it...
He was avidly fascinated, in a tired and totally depressed way, by his bare toes on the bed. He squinted one eye at his right toe and began to draw the outline of the door it ... circling the frame twice before realising the door was open just a little. He stopped in mid-trace and watched as the door opened a little further...
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Once safely in the cab Cassie relaxed a little. She gave the driver her destination address and settled back. The journey was only a little over twenty minutes and she began to rehearse what she was going to say – if Jack didn't want to see her ever again he would have to tell her face to face!
The hospital staff didn't stop her, quite used to seeing the young girl who had over the years visited her Mom frequently, usually calling after school to wait for the end of shift to go shopping. Some just nodding to her, others smiling and asked how she was, to which she briefly smiled in reply and nodded as she continued on her way.
The SF's who were still patrolling the wing where the Colonel was were also familiar with Doctor Fraiser's daughter - they were pleased to see the brave young lady and waved her on.
Still more than just a little worried about Jack's possible reaction to her presence she paused at the end of the quiet corridor, lost in thought. She was startled by a firm hand on her shoulder and yelped as she swung around in fear to face the person who had accosted her.
xoxoxoxoxo