So Jack decided he'd pick out Sarah's favourite flowers, they'd probably be suitable for the occasion. But he was drawing a blank. He'd bought Sarah flowers, he remembered buying them but he couldn't remember what they were. Probably because he didn't care about flowers. They were stupid and sentimental and dead within a week anyway.
"Can I help you, sir?"
Jack spun around to see some kid smiling at him. He felt kind of sad for her in her lame uniform, trying to make a few extra bucks so she could buy some new lip gloss for the yearbook photo.
"I, erm..." He wasn't quite sure what to say. He really didn't want to tell the whole dead baby story, he couldn't stand the look she was bound to give him. "I want to buy some flowers. For my daughter. I don't know what she'd like," Jack explained.
"Okay, how old is she?" the shop assistant asked.
Four? Zero? Timeless? Non-existent? Jack wasn't quite sure what the right answer was. In fact he was fairly sure there was no right answer.
"Four," he replied. It seemed like as good an answer as any, and it hardly seemed to matter anyway.
"She a girly girl or a tomboy?" the kid went on. What was this? Twenty questions.
"I don't know," Jack replied.
"You don't know?" she looked a little puzzled. "Does she play in the mud or does she prefer her dolls?"
This was stupid. How the hell was he supposed to answer these questions? He didn't even have a daughter in the strictest sense. He should just pick a bunch and get out of there.
"She plays with her dolls in the mud," he found himself saying. What the hell was he doing?
"Okay," the shop assistant said. Clearly not the answer she was looking for. She led Jack over to a display and held up what looked like oversized daisies. "How about these?" she asked.
They were plain and simple and they looked kind of like a kid had drawn them so he figured they'd do okay. It's not like Kimberley was going to see them anyway. It's not like Kimberley ever saw anything.
"They're great," Jack said. "I'll take them."
He drove the long way round to the cemetery and went past the house he used to share with Sarah. She got the house in the divorce settlement but he knew she didn't live there anymore. She moved out about a month after all the papers were finalised. Which really pissed Jack off cos she'd fought for that house and then she just left. He swore she did it just to piss him off as well. Which he probably deserved.
He parked the car and walked over to the corner of the cemetery where Kimberley's grave lay. He and Sarah had chosen a modest, simple stone. Just her name, the year, only one year because she lived and died at the same time, and the stupid corny line 'sleeping forever' that Sarah had wanted to put on. He thought that was such a stupid thing to say, especially on a gravestone. Who did they think they were kidding?
He noted that the area was well tended to. Some of the other stones in the area were overgrown but Kimberley's was clear. He guessed Sarah still came by.
"Hey," he said, feeling like a complete idiot. Who did he think he was talking to?
He put the flowers down on the grave and then stood there, unsure of what he was supposed to do. He never got the hang of this. Even when he came every week he found himself just standing there, looking at a bit of rock. He didn't really see the point of it but he still felt like he should go. Like it was his duty or something. Duty to look at a bit of rock in a field on top of a pile of bones. How stupid was that?
He took a deep breath and sighed. He didn't really want to be here but he didn't want to leave either. He sat down and the ground cross-legged and looked at the stone some more.
"Me and your mom aren't together anymore," he said, not sure why the bit of rock would care. "I guess we wanted you more than we wanted each other. I think she's happy now. I haven't seen her but I heard she's got a new fiancé. I'm sure she's happy."
He found himself playing with bits of grass at the edge of the grave, twisting them between his fingers.
"I'm happy," he continued. "With Boone. He's my boyfriend. He's more than my boyfriend. I don't really know what he is. We're having a baby together. Which doesn't mean I'm going to forget about you. You're still my first..."
He was going to say 'born' but Kimberley never was born, she was stillborn, and that was something quite different.
"I really loved you," he told the bit of rock. The pile of bones. The grass he was twisting between his fingers. "I do love you. I still love you. I still think about you all the time and I really thought I'd grow out of that. I thought I'd just get over it all, move on with my life. I thought after a while that maybe dead people would stop mattering. There's always so much going on, there's always so much to do, so many things that need taking care of and I thought that would make me forget about you, I thought it would make you fade away."
There were stupid tears stinging at his eyes now and the bit of rock was getting blurry. He twisted the grass a little harder.
"I don't know how I'm supposed to get over you," he said simply. "I don't know if I am supposed to. If I get over you does that mean that you don't mean anything to me anymore? Does that mean you're not real anymore? That you never were? Because if I get over you then it's like you never even existed. And I know that you did. So I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to have my own life and stay true to you at the same time."
He didn't have any answers. He didn't know how this was supposed to work. Jack saw people dying almost everyday so he shut it out. That's the only way you could deal with it as a doctor, you shut it out. But when it happens to you maybe you have to let it in. So he let himself cry. And he let himself miss her. And he let her go. Just a little bit.
"I don't know if you like the flowers," Jack shrugged. "I don't know if you're a tomboy or a girly girl. I'm sorry that I never got to meet you. But you should know that none of it's your fault. With me and your mom. The divorce. We both saw it coming from a long way off, we just didn't want to admit it. And we're both happy now. With other people. So don't worry about us," he said. "Don't worry about us cos we're doing okay."
He stood up and headed back to the car.