Without warning, Miss Piggy fired several times. Sam instinctively dropped to the ground. "Drop it or you're sliced ham!" he warned her.
"How? With an empty gun?" Miss Piggy chided him, "Anyway, I did just save your life."
"Empty?" Sam glanced at the side of the gun. The gauge there was similar to that of a gas tank's, and was firmly on the E. He spun around to see a gun lying on the ground behind him. "So it wasn't you who shot Golderman?" he asked Piggy.
"Of course not!" Piggy snapped, "It was Doc Hopper."
"Doc Hopper?" Sam frowned in surprise, "Isn't it a little late to introduce him into this story?"
"Well he was working for Jareth," Piggy told him, "I tried to stop him from killing Golderman, but I got there just a little too late. Well, at any rate, if we can circle around, maybe we could stop Hopper."
She half-dragged Sam back out onto the street. "You're really in the mood to stop them," Sam commented.
"It's worse than you think, Sammy," Piggy said, "I overheard Jareth say something about completely exterminating every Muppet in…oh no, where's Kermie?"
The trunk of her car was wide open. Piggy searched through it thoroughly. "I locked it good and tight," she mused.
"So you took him?" Sam inquired.
"It was for Kermie's benefit, just so no one else could get to him first," Piggy explained, "I would never let anything happen to the frog of my life, my love, my dreamboat, my…"
"Uh, I think we've got company," Sam spoke up, noticing a spear whiz by his face. Low laughter filled the air around them as dozens of goblins started crawling out of the darkness and advancing toward them. "Surrender!" a brownish one with a beard ordered.
"Surrender this: HIIIIIIIYAAAAA, HIIIITAAAYYYY!" Piggy charged at the goblins and began delivering wicked karate chops to them. Sam attempted to do the same, but was swarmed upon by goblins who gave him more left hooks than he could count. A hard blow over the head with a club sent him sprawling to the ground. Dazed, he could see a large goblin walking forward with an axe. An image of Piggy appeared in front of him. "Don't go," she pleaded, "The Oracle promised I would fall in love with the one who would save the frog of my dreams from certain death."
"Really?" Sam had to know.
"Of course not, dummy!" Piggy shouted at him, "I'm trying to get you motivated! Now get up and fight like a real man!"
She kicked him in the shin to better stimulate him. Invigorated, Sam rose up and decked the goblins in quick succession. Seeing a squad on the sidewalk throwing spears at him, he leaped up in the air…and found he had an amazing control over the space around him. He mentally caused the spears to zip by him harmlessly. Then he picked up a metal pole that just happened to be lying nearby, planted it on the ground, and spun around in circles, kicking the goblins away. Then he tossed it into the crowd, knocking several goblins senseless.
None of which seemed to have any outcome on their predicament, as they were still surrounded by too many goblins to count, and they were closing in for the kill. Just then there was the roar of a nearly shot engine. A broken-down taxi labeled OSCAR'S CAB COMPANY sputtered rapidly toward them, bowling goblins over like tenpins. "Going somewhere, mac?" asked Oscar behind the wheel. Next to him sat a nervous-looking Telly wearing a badge identifying him as a Junior Assistant Apprentice Cabdriver Trainee.
"Anywhere that's away from here, Oscar," Sam could hear a siren approaching in the distance. The Riverbottom Gang's jalopy was barreling up the road toward them. With a loud wheezing of its engine, Oscar's taxi sputtered out of the way just before Chuck could ram into them. A thick cloud of smoke drifted from the tailpipe, making everyone cough. "You should really get that fixed, Oscar," Sam told the grouch."
"I like it broken like that," Oscar said defensively, "Now hold on tight back there, because the brakes don't work either."
"Big surprise," Sam muttered to himself. He turned to Piggy and said, "So, tell me everything you know about all this. Golderman said Bitterman faked her death."
"Exactly," Piggy nodded, "She and Jareth have been in love for a while—I wish I could give you the lurid details. They both want their grubby hands on Muppetville. Bitterman was going to burn Jim's will—she'd get possession of Muppetville if it doesn't turn up by midnight tonight--but someone in her company stole it off her and faxed it to me—or so they told me. Turns out they just gave me a blank piece of paper."
"That's terrible," Telly moaned, "Bitterman hates us all, and if she and Jareth team up, we're all done for! We'll be forced to live as transients!"
"It'll be worse than that, Big Eyes," Piggy told the monster, "Jareth's got some big extermination plan, the informant said. Operation End the Magic or something like that. I don't know about you, but I'm flying to my summer home in Marseilles until this blows over. Now if I could just find Kermie, my exile will be sweet and…"
"Oscar watch out!" Sam and Telly shouted simultaneously. They had just exited the tunnel back to the real world, only to find a load of tacks thrown all over the road. Oscar ran right over them, spun out of control as the tires rapidly deflated, and crashed spectacularly into a signpost. With no seatbelts, he and Telly were flung into a pair of garbage cans around the curb. Sam and Piggy tumbled over the taxi's front bumper. Footsteps approached. "Enjoy your little trip, I presume?" came Doc Hopper's voice.
"So you shot Golderman, Doc!" Sam leapt to his feet, only to back off when he saw the restaurateur had a gun in hand. "Yes, I did," Hopper told him, "But unfortunately for you, Detective, you'll be the only one who finds that out, am I right boss, boss?"
From behind a tree came Jareth and a very much alive Rachel Bitterman. "Well, well, I guess death didn't suit you too well, huh Rachel?" Sam told off the industrialist.
"It was part of a perfect plan, one my sugar bear Jareth thought up, am I right lovey dovey?" Bitterman gave the Goblin King a series of rather disgusting kisses that made Sam and Piggy retch. With the wail of its siren, the Riverbottom Gang's jalopy roared out of the tunnel and screeched to a halt across the road from them. "Well it's about time you showed up!" Jareth berated his enforcers, "I was starting wonder why I was paying you anything at all. No matter, put these two under arrest and take them to my dimension. They're going to enjoy watching my grand plan for Muppetville unfold."
"OUR plan for Muppetville, sweetums, remember?" Bitterman corrected him with another kiss. If Jareth shared her affection for him, he didn't want to outwardly show it. "Shall we drive to my place and break out the martinis?" he asked her as they followed Doc Hopper to his car.
"Shouldn't we just kill them first?" Hopper interceded, "They know too much."
"They won't be going anywhere," Jareth told him, "Not with the security features we have at my castle. And anyone who wants to get in will have to navigate the labyrinth in under…" he checked Bitterman's watch, "…three hours. Not even an expert can do that."
"Meaning no one can stop us now," Bitterman could barely contain her delight. They hopped in and drove off after the Riverbottom Gang, who had Sam and Piggy at gunpoint in the backseat.
Once they were gone, Oscar and Telly, whom they'd inexplicably forgotten about, popped out of their trashcans. "This is awful, Oscar!" the latter told the former, "We've got to go do something! We've got to call the police! What's the number for 9-1-1?"
Oscar shook his head and didn't answer the very obvious question. He was, however, concerned for one of the few times in his life. "You go look for a phone, Telly," he told his junior assistant apprentice trainee, "I'll stay hear and flag down the next car that comes out."
"Right Oscar, I'll be back as soon as I can," Telly ran off up the street. Oscar picked up some of the trash from the can on the left of the one he was in and laid it down around him. "Might as well make myself comfortable while I'm waiting," he said to himself, reclining back in the can.