"There we go, like a glove," Oscar said, pulling into a parking space. He didn't seem to care that he'd parked the steamroller on the rear bumper of the car directly in front of them.
"Boy, I hope they have good insurance," Telly fretted, "And I hope this is the right house."
He and Oscar walked up to the door and knocked on it. A loud barking broke out. "Calm yourself, Sprocket; it's probably nothing to worry about," Doc could be heard saying to his pet. The inventor opened his door. "Well, I haven't seen you two in this neighborhood in a long time," he greeted the grouch and the monster.
"Yeah, so let's just skip the formalities," Oscar pushed his way inside. "Don't even think about it," he warned Sprocket before the dog could lick him.
"Aren't you running your taxi service tonight, Oscar?" Luis was in the house, as was Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker.
"I was, then I got dragged into this whole mess," Oscar told him.
"As I was saying, Luis, your toaster here seems to have a short," Bunsen wasn't really paying attention, "I believe I can reenergize it with a strong jolt. Hold this wire, Beaker."
He handed his assistant a live wire, then threw a switch, which violently electrocuted Beaker. The toaster remained broken. "Anyway, Doc, Lord Jareth's going to try and kill all us Muppets," Telly told the inventor, "Kermit said you had an invention that could beat the labyrinth?"
A smile crossed Doc's face. "Well, I thought I'd never get a chance to use that thing," he exclaimed, "It's right around back in the tool shed. Come on Sprocket, let's get it ready."
They ran around outside to the shed. Inside was a miniature helicopter loaded with water cannons and what looked like a cheap yet sophisticated global positioning system. "It looks like a piece of junk," Oscar commented, "Can I have it after we're done?"
"I think we're going to need a lot more of them," Telly said nervously, "I know there's a lot of stuff in the labyrinth that can kill you."
"I think my cloning ray can even the odds a bit," Bunsen suggested, "I believe it's in working order now, am I correct, Beaker?"
"Meep meep meep," Beaker was still dazed from the electrocution he'd received.
"I'll call everyone I know," Luis pulled out his cell phone.
Telly ran back inside and crouched down next to the hole in the wall. "Hey you Fraggles!" he cried into it, "Get together, we're going to need your help!"
"Yeah, nothing like getting everyone together to take the law into our own hands," Oscar muttered, "If we go to jail, I hope it's a nice, dirty cell."
"You can't do this to us!" Fozzie was protesting. He, Gonzo, and Rizzo were being locked in cages high above the hall, "I'll call the Humane Society! And the ACLU!"
"What Humane Society don't know won't kill them," Chuck shrugged, locking the cage door behind Fozzie.
"You're a disgrace to our race," Fozzie told the other bear.
"A shame to your name," Gonzo added.
"A blot to your lot," the Weasel unexpectedly added. Chuck gave him a strange look.
"Are they secured yet?" Jareth yelled up impatiently at them, "I want no interference from them anymore."
"All done, Lord Jareth," Chuck and the others climbed down the ladders to the floor. There was a clattering as a chain and hook slowly inched down toward the floor where Kermit and Piggy, now chained together, were being held by numerous goblins. "Heads up down there," called Sid Sleaze, who was operating the winch that was lowering it.
"They can see it coming, dummy; they're stupid but they're not blind!" his brother berated him.
"All right, don't start acting like Bill Needle again!" Sid protested at him.
"All right, put the frog and pig up on it," Jareth instructed his minions. Kermit and Piggy were locked into placed and jerked up in the air. "Oh Kermit, at least we get to go out together," Piggy pronounced stoically, "This is the way I always dreamed of dying; with you inseparably at my side. Have you ever thought of this?"
"No Piggy, I can't say I have," Kermit said. He was trying to think of a way out of this mess.
"All right, everyone who's taking our creation for its inaugural ride, mount up," Jareth ordered, "We destroy Muppetville in ten minutes."
"Shotgun!" Chuck shouted, rushing for the cab. He took the passenger seat next to the Weasel. Above them, the huge black goblin that had led the efforts to put the horse's head on Sam earlier in the day climbed up the ladder to the main cannon, which the Snake was already wrapped around. "I'll aim, you fire," he told the goblin.
"Works for me," the huge black goblin dumped the Pop-Eyed Catfish into a long cylindrical water tank just underneath the walkway. Meanwhile, the Lizard climbed into what looked like the central control system for the Saunamobile and started throwing switches that turned on a slew of lights that seemed to serve no real purpose other than to look visually impressive. About forty other goblins or so took positions all over the Saunamobile at sauna guns and other controls. The rest of the goblins, heavily armed, took positions on either side of the Saunamobile at least seven rows deep.
Jareth walked up to Sam. "Well, it's all over Detective," he said with an edge of confidence, "Don't worry, you'll be the last to go. Once I finish saunaing every Muppet, I'll turn you over to the Skeksis and let them take your essential energy. You two," he gave Doc Hopper and Wander McMooch a stern look, "make sure he doesn't try anything funny."
It was then that something clicked in Sam's mind. "Don't try anything funny," he repeated softly.
"That's what you won't be doing," McMooch said as Jareth walked up one of the gravity-defying staircases arm-in-arm with Bitterman. Sam took a look around the hall. There were a lot of possible props for him to use in the plan that was now formulating for him.
"Everyone set?" Krassman was a whirling ball of energy as he skipped around the Saunamobile, examining the finer points of his creation one last time.
"Looks good to me," Chuck called from the cab.
"OK Horseshack, start that engine!" Krassman directed the Weasel. Moments later the Saunamobile slowly sputtered to life, with the engine choking a couple of times before catching. The goblins on it started throwing even more switches, some of which seemed to also serve no purpose. With the Snake looking right down the sight of the main gun, it was trained on a nervous Kermit and Piggy. Sam, however, took note that the Weasel wasn't even moving the Saunamobile forward, just pointlessly revving the engine over and over again. He had the time to make a move. "Boy, you must be really desperate for laughs to find this funny," he said out loud to Hopper.
"What is that supposed to mean?" the restaurateur growled.
"That I'm doing this," without warning, Sam eye-poked him and cartwheeled over to a victrola in the corner. He switched it on and put the needle to the record. Wacky music poured out from it. "OOOh, you may say I'm crazy, and you may be right, but you'll soon learn I've not yet begun to fight!" Sam belted out the lyrics off-key. He pretended to slip on a patch of water and tumbled into the wall. Several of the goblins lined up along the Saunamobile started laughing hard. Seeing he'd made a point, Sam Russian-danced over to the cab. "You know how I know my uncle's a world-class decathlete?" he asked Chuck.
"Uh, I don't know," Chuck admitted.
"I've watched him; he's fast asleep," Sam joked. Once he knew Chuck was paralyzed with laughter, he swiped the cage keys off the bear, then ran over to the sofa directly underneath the cages. He jumped on it and bounced high up in the air, taking the opportunity on each bound to unlock each cage. "You know how to be loopy," he told Fozzie, Gonzo, and Rizzo as they landed safely back on the ground, "Just do your stuff. We'll take them all out joke by joke."
"Just the way I like it," Fozzie ran up to one of the lead goblins along the Saunamobile's starboard side. "You know, my sister-in-law is so dumb, she thinks Marxism was devised by Harpo," he told it. When this failed to make the goblin laugh, he shoved a cigar into its mouth and lit it, causing it to explode in the goblin's face. Its associates cracked up at its predicament.
"Have they completely lost it?" Piggy asked Kermit up on the hook.
"Nope," Kermit was beaming, "They're doing exactly what they need to do. And there's hope for Detective Klubb after all."
Sam, in fact, was at that moment subjecting himself to falling iron balls being thrown in the air by Gonzo landing on his head to induce the villains to laugh harder. . He did feel a tremendous amount of pain, but tried his best to shake it off. "Hey," he approached the nerve center of the Saunamobile and addressed the Lizard, "Why did the orange miss the bus?"
"Beats me," the Lizard shrugged.
"He ran out of juice," Sam told him. The Lizard cracked up and thumped his fists off the consoles, causing several gauges to switch into emergency settings. Several goblins in the immediate area were on the verge of completely losing it as well. Meanwhile, clutching a rubber chicken, Fozzie jumped up and down on the sofa until he was level with the main gun's walkway. "What's the difference between a moose and an ant?" he asked everyone up there.
"What?" bubbled the Pop-Eyed Catfish.
"A moose has antlers, but an ant rarely has mooselers; wokka wokka wokka!" Fozzie whacked the huge black goblin over the head with the rubber chicken. That proved to be enough for a goblin manning a nearby console; it keeled off the Saunamobile and went stiff. Its spirit winged its way to Heaven, playing an off-key tune on a clarinet. Several more goblins along the side of the vehicle were dying as well.
"Letter for Rizzo the rat," Gonzo walked around wearing a mailman's outfit. Seeing his friend, he asked, "Are you Rizzo?"
"That's me."
"Here's your letter," Gonzo pulled out a huge green letter B and handed it to Rizzo. With a loud choking laugh the Lizard fell off the Saunamobile and expired, his spirit playing the violin as it ascended. Above, the Pop-Eyed Catfish's spirit was leaving its body as well. The fish was fighting to stay alive for all it was worth, but ultimately lost and sank to the bottom of its tank, its ghost wearing a life preserver as it went to the sky. Goblins were dying of laughter everywhere, and Sam knew that as long as they kept up the manic energy, they'd be in great shape. It was then, though, that Doc Hopper jumped in his face. "Cut it out now!" he ordered.
"Hey Doc, you know what makes you look funny?" Sam asked him.
"I don't…" Hopper was cut off as a large piano fell on his head. "…care," he could be heard saying weakly underneath it. "That does," Fozzie commented from the ceiling, where he'd hoisted it up and dropped it. At the sight of Hopper's fate, nearly a dozen goblins fell dead. Inside the cab, the Weasel slumped forward on the gas pedal as he died, causing the Saunamobile to slowly lurch forward. Similarly, as the huge black goblin manning the main sauna cannon accidentally hit the start switch as he keeled dead off the walkway. "YIPE!" Kermit shrieked, kicking away from the stream of sauna now bearing down on them, "Somebody turn it the other way!"
Almost as if answering his prayers, the Snake grabbed a hold of the lever as it slipped off the cannon and pulled it forward, sending the sauna spray to the right. Moments later it lost its grip and fell onto one of the sauna brushes around the vehicle. As its spirit rose to the heavens, however (while blowing on a tuba), it wrapped its vapory tail around the lever and jerked it backwards. The spray began a slow trek back to where Kermit and Piggy were hanging. "Hey, clowns, let them expire!" the latter yelled down to everyone on the floor, "Stop this thing!"
"Uh," Sam saw the last goblin on the ground was dying. Thinking quickly, he grabbed hold of its spirit and took a free ride upwards. When he was level with the top of the Saunamobile, he let go and tumbled to the ground. He hauled himself back up and stumbled toward the controls.
When he was but a few feet from it, a large scaly hand and a furry paw grabbed him and dragged him back. "I don't think so!" McMooch scolded him. He and Chuck, who was trying and failing to keep the hysterics at bay, towered over the detective. "They go first, that's what Lord Jareth says."
"Say Wander, you know where I want to be?" Sam asked the big toad.
"Where?" Chuck asked between giggles.
"Right here," Sam slapped the large letter B Gonzo had brought out onto McMooch's chest. "Ha ha, it funny!" Chuck broke down into laughter.
"No it's not!" McMooch yelled at him. While their attention was broken, Sam ran to the cannon and spun it around at them. The blast of sauna caught McMooch and Chuck square in the chest and sent them flying backwards into a large vat of sauna behind them. Both of them expired in loud hisses.
"Boy that was close," Kermit breathed a large sigh of relief, "For a moment there I thought we were done for."
"Oh Kermie, you were a pillar of strength," Piggy lauded him. She leaned around to try and kiss him, although their positioning made this impossible.
"Just hang in there and I'll get you two…" Sam started to say, but then without warning Jareth materialized on the walkway in front of him. The Goblin King fired a blast of energy at the detective that sent him flailing to the floor. Before he could get up, Jareth's foot came down on his chest. "Krassman!" he barked to the scientist, "Drive! I'll take care of our enemy here."
"Gotcha chief," Krassman climbed into the cab of the Saunamobile, pushed the Weasel's body aside, and accelerated slowly toward the wall. "Always a thrill to take my own diabolical inventions for their opening spin," he said out loud.
Jareth waved his hand at the sauna cannon, which ever so slowly turned back around toward Kermit and Piggy. "Oh no you don't!" Sam took a swipe at him, but Jareth vanished into thin air. "Impressive, Detective, but boring," the Goblin King said dismissively, "Especially when you can't do this."
Immediately a large mace on the wall flew at Sam. He ducked it in time, but then was hit by a cannonball in the chest. More objects came flying at him, prompting him to dive behind the Saunamobile to avoid them. "Pathetic, absolutely pathetic," Jareth yawned, materializing again, "You're no match for me, Klubb."
Sam charged toward him, but found that the distance between them seemed to get longer and longer. "You're in my world now," Jareth told him, "And you're at the mercy of what I decide its physics should be."
"Yeah, well, you have no power over me," Sam stood upright, "Yeah, you heard me, you have no power over me!"
"Fool," Jareth chuckled, "Do you really think I'd let myself be defeated like that again? That doesn't work anymore. This, however, does."
The next thing Sam knew, he was being blown backwards to the floor. A large and heavy shield on the wall fell down toward him. Sam balled up, protecting himself as best he could, but surprisingly it didn't hit him. Rather, as he saw when he looked up, it was liquefying. Before he could move, however, it splashed on top of him and instantly hardened, leaving him pinned to the floor. "Comfy?" Jareth asked mockingly, "Well, enjoy it, because I've got a surprise for you."
In the distance Sam could here a heavy thumping sound getting oh so closer. He found out what it was when the wall of the hall abruptly broke open. Through the gap lumbered the Humongous. It slowly lurched toward him, and he had no way to get out of the path of its crushing legs. Nonetheless, he squirmed around, trying to somehow squeeze out from under the metal. "Yes, you can expend your strength like that for all you want," Jareth had to shout over the Humongous now, "The end draws near, Detective, and you're….what's that noise?"
Sam heard it too; it was a whirling of sorts, along with the cries of numerous voices. Jareth summoned an orb to his hand and glanced into it. "Oh no!" he shouted, "Not now!"
There was a fluttering at the window. T.R. Rooster crowed out a charge, and seconds later the rear wall collapsed—as it would if Snuffleupagus and Thog were pushing it in. Behind them came a mob of retreating goblins, Garthim, and the like, who, it turned out, were being attacked by no fewer than two dozen of the miniature helicopters Doc had created. "Ah, worked like a charm, huh Sprocket?" the inventor said to his dog on the front most one, "I knew this would get us through the labyrinth in good time. All right, bombs away!"
Sprocket barked out an OK, then pulled a lever than dropped a huge load of water balloons onto several goblins. The hall was now filled with Muppets and humans, who were thoroughly beating the enemy silly. One hapless goblin was being half-devoured by Cookie Monster, due to the large number of coconut macaroons that had been stuck all over him. Up in the gallery, Bitterman grabbed the intercom switch. "Come on you stupid things, you're hardened creatures of the night!" she roared at her defenders, "They're nothing! Strike back!"
Strike back the evil beings tried to do, but they were still heavily outmanned. Things weren't looking good for Sam either, though. The Humongous was right on top of him, and he was just about out of time…
"Gangway," Gonzo came running over with a high-explosive bomb. He planted it on top of Sam and ducked for cover. Sam didn't really want to be blown up yet again, but braced himself nonetheless as it blew the metal off him. He rolled to safety seconds before he would have been crushed.
"Detective Klubb, we could really use some help up here!" Kermit could be heard screeching. The sauna spray was almost to Piggy and himself again.
"Be there in a minute," Sam ran over to a large bow that a goblin had dropped. "What's that for?" Rizzo inquired as he casually strolled over to watch.
"For the two of you," Sam picked him and Gonzo up, put them onto the bow, aimed for the cab of the Saunamobile, pulled it back and fired. Gonzo rocketed across the hall like a missile and crashed into the cab, sending Krassman flying into the opposite door. Rizzo jumped up and shut off the engine just as the sauna was inches from Piggy's snout. "That was close," the rat mused.
"Too close," Gonzo clutched his head. He was still better off than Krassman, who was out cold. "Is there any Tylenol in here?"
Up on the hook, Kermit remained in shock. "Uh, it's over, we're safe now," Piggy told him when he failed to say anything immediately.
"For now," Kermit said slowly, "But I just know it's not over yet."
"Down on the ground, things certainly weren't over yet, for Jareth materialized in from of Sam again and slugged him. "It pains me to resort to fist fighting, Klubb, but now you've got me REALLY mad!" the Goblin King roared, magically picking the detective up and spinning him around in circles in the air, "So now you face a fate so ominous it…"
"Pie for Lord Jareth," Fozzie snuck up behind him and threw one in his face. As the spell over him broke, Sam crashed to the floor. He looked around and saw the Humongous headed for the rear wall. An idea formed on how to stop Jareth once and for all. He took off running toward the metallic giant, but stopped short just in front of it. As he'd hoped, Jareth materialized right in front of him. "I've got a special treat for…YAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!" too late Jareth realized he was right under the Humongous's foot. Sam turned away as the hard crunching sound echoed through the chamber.
"Ouch!" Gonzo grimaced from the cab, "He's going to feel that in the morning."
"I think he's feeling it right now," Rizzo commented. The Humongous continued lumbering out the back wall, where it toppled back into the labyrinth. Sam breathed in relief. "Well, at least that's over with," he said out loud.
"I-I-I-I don't think so," Fozzie stammered, pointing back at where Jareth had fallen. Much to Sam's amazement, the Goblin King was getting back up! Only now he was shaped like an accordion! "You're a Muppet too!" the detective gasped.
"Obviously, genius!" Jareth snorted. There was something very strange and familiar with his voice, "Skek-Na, the Crystal!"
"The Crystal? What's that got to do with anything?" Piggy snorted from the hook, able to hear the entire conversation.
"Everything," a horrified look was crossing Kermit's face, "Uh, Piggy, you're not going to like this, but I just realized something terrible. Remember how they didn't know how John Denver's plane went down the way it did?"
Piggy didn't answer, for her attention was distracted,as was everyone else's, by a large slab of the intact wall rising up to reveal the Dark Crystal behind it. Jareth raised his arms upward and said something in a strange language. Instantly red light blazed forth from the Crystal and engulfed him. Slowly he began to grow in size. But that wasn't the only changes happening; somehow he seemed to be losing his human characteristics. Dark hair was sprouting all over his face and hands, and he was growing claws and fangs—and indeed, from what could be seen, a second head entirely. Then without warning, large black leathery wings burst out of his back, tearing his clothes to shreds. He kept growing until he reached the height of the ceiling, then slowly turned around. Immediately Sam recognized the face before him, with its two heads, six eyes, sharp horns, and fiery breath. A loud gasp of terror escaped his lips. "So you do remember me, huh Sammy?" the creature before him said in a demonic voice, "Well I remember you too. We met the night I killed your family! And now I'm going to finish the job!"
"Well, that settles it," Boober groaned from Doc's chopper, which he and the other Fraggles had hitched a ride on, "We're all now officially doomed!"