He pulled up outside the house and wondered if maybe he should have called first. She might be out or have company over. But both of those things seemed very unlikely when considering his mother so he got out of the car and knocked on the door. She took a while to answer and Jack worried that he might have misjudged her when she slowly opened the door. She looked at him and a smile came over her face.
"Jack."
"Hey, mom," he smiled.
"Well, it's nice to see you, come in," she insisted, opening the door to him.
He went through to the living room and looked around. He couldn't help but note that it looked exactly the same as when he'd left to fetch his father from Sydney three years ago. Of course, he should be used to that by now, but somehow, every time he came, he expected a little something to have changed, a little sign of progress to have nudged itself in, but save for the updated TV guides, there was nothing he could remark on. His mother followed him through.
"Can I get you a drink? Some coffee?" she asked.
"Yeah, sure," he replied. "Thanks."
She headed off to the kitchen and Jack took a seat on the sofa and looked around again. It was quite depressing really. It was like his mother was waiting for something. Like she expected his father to just walk through the door any minute, like he was just doing another shift at the hospital. And he knew that it must have been hard for her being in limbo for two and a half years while Jack was away, missing, presumed dead, but he'd been back six months and she still seemed to be waiting. And somehow the fact that, when Jack found his father's coffin, it was empty, just seemed to give her some other reason to not quite believe it was over, to not quite give up. An empty coffin didn't mean anything to Jack though. His father was dead, he saw the body. So the coffin was empty, all that meant was no burial.
His mother came back through and handed him his coffee, taking a seat opposite him.
"I'm sorry, I don't really have anything in, cakes or anything," his mother apologised, looking rather guilty.
"Mom, it doesn't matter," Jack assured her. "Don't worry about it, really."
She nodded a little. "This is a nice surprise, anyway," she went on.
"Well, Boone threw me out so I figured I'd come see you," Jack replied offhandedly.
His mother looked worried. "Are you two having problems?"
Jack suddenly realised how his comment came across. "No," he said quickly, shaking his head. "No, I just meant I was getting in his way. He was trying to get some work done, is all. We're fine. We're great, in fact."
His mother breathed out again. "Well, that's all right then," she replied. "You're happy?"
Jack nodded. "I'm happy."
His mother nodded back. "Good," she said. "You should be."
"You too, you know," Jack told her.
"I'm okay," she assured him.
Jack considering bringing up the time warp that was her house or how unhealthy it was for her to keep putting off the grieving process but he thought better of it. Besides, he was hardly one to talk on that front.
His gaze wandered to the mantelpiece and he saw his parents' wedding photo amongst the other family shots. They both looked so young and happy and it made Jack sad to know that his mother probably looked at that picture everyday and put off letting him go just a little bit longer. He then scanned the other photos and noticed that, right at the end, his mother still had up his own wedding photo with Sarah.
"Mom, you have still have my wedding photo up," he felt the need to point out, though he was fairly sure she realised that.
She looked around all the same though, as if to check. She turned back to him. "Yes," was all she said.
"I'm not married to Sarah anymore. We got divorced. Three and a half years ago. Why would you still have that up?" he asked.
"Because you got married," she replied simply.
Jack was about to reply when he realised he didn't have a clue what she was talking about. Of course he got married, that's why he had a wedding photo, but he also got divorced and surely that was more important right now. "You don't have any photos of Boone. Of me and Boone."
"You never gave me any. And it's not like the two of you give me many opportunities to take my own," she replied.
Well, that was fair enough, Jack guessed. But he wasn't sure that, if he did give her a photo, she would put it up. Maybe his mom liked to remember a time when Jack and Sarah were still together and her husband was coming home at any minute. If she had a photo of Boone up she would have to address the fact that Jack was on that island which in turn would make her address why Jack ended up on that island which was of course to bring his father's body back. To bring her husbands body back.
"I'm sorry I don't visit much," Jack found himself saying. "I work a lot and when I'm not working me and Boone are trying to sort out the house and get everything ready for when the baby comes. But I should make some time to come and see you. I should make more of an effort."
"You don't have to worry about me here, Jack," she told him. "I'm quite content on my own."
"You know that you can come to the house any time," he continued. "Boone's always there, even if I'm not."
"How is the girl who's having that baby for you?" she asked, changing the subject. "What was her name?"
"Tayla," Jack replied. "She's doing fine. And the baby's doing fine. We had a check up last week, everything's normal."
"Good. Second chances are few and far between so I'm glad you're taking advantage," she told him.
Jack had never really thought of his life like that before and he wasn't really sure if he wanted to. Describing Boone as his second anything just seemed absurd. Boone could never come second, he was definitely number one all the way. And he really didn't want to start putting a 'second' label on the baby, he was having enough trouble there as it was. But he could see where his mom was coming from. And he guessed she was right. When flight 815 crashed down he should have died, they all should have done, but they didn't. But something had changed and there was a feeling that their lives were different now than they were before. And Jack told him self that it was just to do with the fact that, as far as they knew, they were never getting off that island, but something happened. Something that helped him let go of Sarah and start again. From scratch. With Boone. But nothing with Boone was a second, everything was a first, and that was about as special as it could get.
"Will you put a picture of me and Boone up?" Jack asked. "And the baby when it comes."
His mother hesitated for a second but it was a second too long. "Yes, of course."
Jack wanted to grab her and scream 'He's not coming back' but he just couldn't do it. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with grief and pain and his mother's was clearly to stay in denial. And, hey, let's face it, that was Jack's drug of choice too until a little while ago. And even though it still hurt to think of Kimberley and even though he was still as confused as hell about what he was supposed to be feeling about who, just the simple addressing of these things, even if he didn't have any answers, had made him feel so much closer to free. But then came the question of whether he wanted freedom from that life or not.
But his mother didn't have a new life, she didn't have anything to move on to, and she didn't have anyone to move on with. So Jack couldn't make her let go of the one thing that was quite possibly keeping her going because he had a feeling she'd be letting go of a little more than his father.
"Bring Boone with you next time and I'll take a photo," his mother said, and she really sounded like she meant it.
Jack smiled at her. "As soon as I can drag him away from that house you have my word," he promised.
His mother nodded. "And that baby when they're born."
"Don't worry, you're first on my baby-sitting list," Jack told her.
"I don't know if I'm up for all that again. It's been a long time since I've dealt with a baby," she replied. "I wouldn't change having you for the world but I don't envy you having a newborn around."
"Yeah, it's gonna be hard work," Jack admitted. "But I really can't wait."
"I always thought you'd be a good father," she told him.
Jack smiled at her. She'd never told him that. When he'd gone round with Sarah to announce they were pregnant she never said anything to him. The whole pregnancy she never told him. And after Sarah lost the baby he guessed saying that would just be cruel. But a lot had changed since then, and even though his mother didn't want to admit it, she must have known. Besides, Jack guessed he wouldn't have been the best father back then anyway. He was too busy trying to keep up with his father at work and, towards the end, keep an eye on his father at work. His hours were too long even before Sarah lost the baby and, as much as he wanted Kimberley, he guessed he wouldn't really have calmed his schedule down for her. But now he intended to take time off when the baby was born, and he intended to work less shifts so he could spend more time with Boone and the baby and he wasn't going to take calls about hospital business at home, one thing that used to drive Sarah mad. New life, new Jack.
"Thank you," he said. And he wanted to say something like 'I had a good example' but, let's face it, he didn't. His father taught him a lot of things but what he usually took away from observing his dad was how not to act and that wasn't really the same thing. He knew how not to treat his child but crediting his father with that seemed a little unjust, even if it was ultimately true.
"You can keep the picture up if you want," Jack told her. He wasn't sure why.
"I want a picture of you and Boone," his mother told him. "I like that picture because you look so happy, you look like you have your whole life ahead of you. And you look like that whenever you sit next to Boone."
Except the look meant a whole other thing when he sat next to Boone, Jack thought. Sure, he had his life ahead of him, but he had his life behind him too and so did Boone. It was like he and Boone met halfway somewhere which was complicated what with all the baggage but it was also great because they got a chance to try a lot of other stuff out before they made their decisions. They'd both seen a lot of things. A lot of love, a lot of hurt, a lot of choices. And they'd chosen each other. And Jack was a fool for ever thinking of it in any other terms.
He smiled at his mother and nodded his head. "You can have a picture of my life," he said.