"You know the first time they put her in your arms, did you, kind of, panic at all?" Boone asked.
"No," Shannon said with a shake of her head. "You know I really didn't. Which was kind of weird because I spent pretty much the last four weeks of my pregnancy in a blind 'oh my God, I so can't do this' panic."
"So what happened?"
Shannon shrugged. She adjusted Zara in her lap and looked down at her. "I just kind of loved her," she said simply. She looked back at Boone. "I mean, the thought of them handing me some squirmy, slimy, completely dependent little mess of a thing was horrifying. What the hell was I supposed to do with it? I kind of figured I'd let Sayid deal with it for a while until it was a little more capable, y'know. I'd definitely come round to the idea of having a kid but the idea of having a newborn still terrified me. But then they handed her to me, and she was covered in gunk and she was totally tiny and she was screaming her head off and, I don't know, it wasn't so scary after all."
"So it's okay once you get to see them and hold them and stuff?" Boone asked. "That panic part goes away?"
"Did with me," she shrugged. "Why you having a panic?"
"It's not a panic," Boone replied, though the word did seem rather apt. He was so looking forward to meeting his baby, and there was no way anything about them could disappoint him but then he got to thinking that what if he was a disappointment to them? Not that you could really disappoint a newborn, surely. Their expectations can't be that high.
"Well, if you'll excuse me, someone needs changing," Shannon declared, standing up with Zara.
"Hey, Shan?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you show me how to change her? I don't really know how to do all that," Boone admitted.
Shannon gave him a smile like she was going to come up with some great witty put down like she always did when they were kids and anyone asked her for anything. Then her smile became softer and a little amused. "Follow me," she said as she headed to Zara's nursery. Boone didn't hesitate.
Shannon placed Zara down on the table and lifted up her little dress. Shannon had said that she wasn't going to go with girly clothes but she'd changed her mind as soon as she'd gotten to the mall.
"It's really not that hard," she stated, beginning to take the diaper off. "Just pull the tabs and take the old diaper off. You just lift her legs and slide it out, and fold it while you do it." She threw the diaper in the trash and grabbed the baby wipes. "Then you just clean her up. Remember to wipe front to back. If it's a girl, I don't know with a boy so much. Then you just put some cream on to help with diaper rash cos you don't want her getting all sore. And believe me, you really don't, she'll scream at you. Then you just grab yourself another diaper. Put it under her butt like this, and then fasten it up." She finished up and lifted Zara off the changing table. "And hey presto."
"That's not so hard," Boone said. "I could do that."
"See, it's not all that complicated. You'll be fine, Boone," she told him. "If I can do it, I'm sure you'll be fine."
"You're so good with her," Boone commented.
"That's because she's my baby," Shannon stated. "Comes naturally."
"But it doesn't for everyone. Some people say that it doesn't. What if it doesn't?" he asked.
"Why wouldn't it?" she asked.
"I don't know. Sometimes it doesn't," Boone replied. But then he figured that was mostly to do with post partum depression and he wasn't really likely to get that. And he was probably just blowing things out of proportion again. He needed to trust that things would happen on their own. But that wasn't really in his nature. He was used to taking control of situations and chasing up results. He had a feeling that wasn't really the way parenthood worked though.
"I know you're probably feeling really anxious right now but it's amazing how things just slow down once you actually have them in your arms. You can read all the books and you can talk to as many people as you want but at the end of the day you just have to go with your instincts, because you do know what to do, you just don't know it yet," Shannon explained.
"What happened to us?" Boone asked.
"What?" Shannon asked, furrowing her brow at him.
"We turned into grown ups," Boone stated.
"You were always a grown up," Shannon stated. "I don't remember you ever doing anything immature, not even when you were a kid. You were always lecturing me and telling me how to do stuff. Trust me, this fatherhood thing is gonna be a doddle for you."
"I acted like a grown up but I so wasn't," Boone told her. "I was totally lost, I didn't know what I was doing. Which actually I don't now so maybe stuff hasn't changed that much."
"Stuff's changed a lot, Boone," Shannon insisted. "If you came to me three and a half years ago and told me this is where I was gonna be I would have laughed in your face."
"If I told you anything three and a half years ago you would have laughed in my face," Boone pointed out. "That's how our relationship worked, remember? You acted like a spoilt brat and I acted like some surrogate father figure."
"Yeah, look at us now," Shannon smiled. "And, for the record, even though our relationship was pretty screwed up back then, you always did a great job of taking care of me. You did step into a father role after my dad died and you did it well. So I don't think you need to be worrying about anything. One thing about you, Boone, you always step up to the challenge."
After Adam died, Boone did feel responsible for looking after Shannon, if only to protect her from Sabrina. But they both knew there was also a hell of a lot more to it than that, that he wanted to be near Shannon for another reason too, that he wanted to look after her to a different end, so he didn't feel like he could completely trust his instincts in this situation with the instincts you needed to be a real father to a real child.
"Thanks, Shan," he replied. "I thought I was kind of cramping your style."
"Well, that too," she smirked. "But I still think you'll be okay. And parents are supposed to be embarrassing, right?"
"I think me and Jack will have that down," Boone replied. "I mean, can you imagine the 'how come you've got two daddies but no mommy?' questions that are gonna arise from fellow kindergarteners?"
"Don't worry about that," Shannon said, rolling her eyes a little. "Alternative couples are all the rage. Little miss 'I have a mommy and a daddy and they're still married and everything' will probably be feeling left out. Everyone's gay and divorced and remarried nowadays. Take a look at how we met."
"Remarriage is one thing, gay marriage is quite another," Boone commented.
"I really don't think it's a huge factor," she told him. "You and Jack love each other and you love the kid and that's all that matters. A lot of straight couples don't have that much to offer a baby."
"But kids need female role models too," Boone said.
"They've got an aunt Shannon, haven't they?" she replied. Boone smiled at her. "And a cousin Zara. They need any girl stuff you just send them my way."
"Thanks, Shan. That's a really sweet offer," he said.
"Well, I mean it," she replied.
Okay, so maybe he should stop worrying about all these worst case scenarios. He and Jack had a lot to offer a baby and the whole thing didn't look that hard. Sure, it would be an adjustment but Boone was good at adjusting to the needs of others. And he knew how to deal with things one bit at a time, all you had to do was take things as they came. He could prioritise and organise and make sure that a number of complicated arrangements came together perfectly and that office politics never took over what needed to get done in the day. Which wasn't quite the same as raising a child but he could use some of those skills to get the job done.
And it's not like he was on his own anyway. Jack would know about all the technical details that needed addressing. Which he realised made his baby sound like a temperamental sports car but terminology was never his strong point. He and Jack complemented each other so they were sure to complement each other's child rearing skills too. And if Jack knew something he didn't then that didn't matter. That was good. It was better than Jack knowing the exact same things as him and them drawing a blank on some vital bit of information as they try to settle their child down at two in the morning. So Jack knew some stuff and Boone knew some stuff and Shannon knew some girl stuff should girl stuff be needed.
So Boone could do this. Now he just needed a baby.