Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

Uncommon Law

By Random1377

Chapter 9

Asuka glanced around the smoky bar with some distaste, wondering if perhaps she had not been misdirected. The place had been described to her as 'kind of low-rent,' though the word she would have used was 'shithole.' The walls, once white, she assumed, were a nauseating, nicotine yellow, almost – but not quite – matching the beer, or possibly urine, yellow of the floor.

The cramped little tables were packed with lowlifes of every size and shape, and all eyes flew to the door as Asuka stepped through it, hungry for fresh, nubile meat.

Scowling around the room, Asuka raised her NERV ID badge like a cross, making sure everyone got a good look and taking a good deal of satisfaction in seeing the scumbags suddenly take interest in their drinks or abandoned conversations.

No one wanted to mess with NERV.

Drunk does not equal suicidal.

There she is, the redhead thought, spotting the woman she was looking for at the bar, pounding down a shot. Now if I can just get over there without getting anything… sticky on my shoes.

Several minutes of navigation later, Asuka stood at her guardian's elbow, frowning at the array of glasses in front of the woman as she said, "Hey, I've been looking for you."

Misato glanced over her shoulder. "Well if it isn't my favorite frigid fellow wife," she said cheerily, "pull up a stool, have a drink."

"No thanks," Asuka said sourly, "I'm-"

"Have you met my friend Jack?" Misato wondered, holding up a shot glass full of dark brown liquor. "He's a little rough at first, but he smoothes out after a while – and that's how I like my men."

"Scintillating," Asuka deadpanned.

"How'd you find me?" Misato asked, throwing the shot back and slamming the glass down on the counter.

"Followed the booze," Asuka said, wrinkling her nose in distaste as Misato lifted up another shot, slopping half of it onto her hand as she brought it to her mouth. "Actually, I asked Ritsuko where you might be, since you weren't at home or NERV, and she said you like to hang out in this place, so…"

"Lousy tattletale," the older woman grumbled, "I should tell everyone that the place she likes to hang out is Ibuki's shorts!"

Asuka's eyes widened. "Really?"

"No!" Misato declared, "But it would be reallllly hard to deny!" Turning to the redhead, she demanded, "Whaddayawant?"

Leaning closer in spite of the woman's boozy breath, Asuka said, "I think I found a loophole in the common law. It says that if a person's guardian – and just as a reminder, that's you – objects, they can lodge-"

Misato waved a hand dismissively, flicking droplets of alcohol all over Asuka's arm. "I don't obj-ject," she hiccupped. "You go ahead and stay married with me – it's fun."

"Fun," Asuka echoed, "right. God, you're smashed, aren't you? I'll talk to you about it when you're sober, or something."

"Drunk, sober, married, whatever," Misato said drunkenly. She beckoned Asuka closer, her eyes trying desperately to focus as she whispered, "Can you keep a secret?"

Asuka sighed. "Yeah, sure," she said tiredly, "what is it?"

"He kissed me."

It took a moment for the slurred confession to register in Asuka's mind. "He… huh?"

"Right on the lips," Misato mock-whispered, pointing to her mouth as the alcohol she had been slamming really started to kick in. "Kissed me good… felt good… didn't stop him… I'm a bad, baaaad woman…"

"He… kissed you?" Asuka marveled. "Really? Shinji? That little pervert! I should go home and kick his-"

She was cut off as Misato's hand shot out, grabbing her shirt and yanking her into the older woman's personal space.

"That's… my… husband," she said, her eyes boring into Asuka's as her voice grew soft and even. "Might not be a good wife… but 'm still married to him." She let Asuka's shirt go, reaching for another shot as she whispered, "Divorce him if you want, stupid. Just means I don't have to share…"

Asuka stared at the woman for a moment, trying to convince herself that it was just the liquor talking, but a quick survey of the empty glasses in front of her, and the amount spilled on the bar, hinted that the woman was not as drunk as she appeared to be… which meant that she was trying to make Asuka think she was further gone than she really was.

…which meant something that Asuka really didn't want to consider.

"So you'll help me?" she said lamely, unsure of how to react to this sudden revelation.

Misato bounced her head from side to side. "Not talk-ing ab-out it n-ow," she said in a singsong voice, "go aw-ay… trying to dr-ink."

Throwing her hands in the air, Asuka growled, "God you're impossible."

"Nah," Misato said slyly, "I'm easy – just ask Kaji."

"Eww," Asuka groaned, "there's a mental image I did not need."

As she turned to go, Misato whispered, "Want to know another secret?"

"Does it involve thinking about you and Kaji doing it, or you frenching the Third?" Asuka grumbled. "Because if the answer is yes to either of these questions, I'll pass, thanks."

Ignoring this comment entirely, Misato said, "I could have been Missus Kaji."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, he wanted to," Misato sighed, glancing at the shot glasses in front of her as if trying to figure out who had emptied them, "but I broke up with him before he could ask."

More than a little freaked out that Misato had been that close to the man she adored, Asuka snorted, "Then why do you think he was going to ask in the first place?"

Dropping the girl a wink, Misato said, "That's a secret… and I've already told you two."

"Whatever."

"You should go home."

Asuka looked at her watch. "Yeah, so should you," she mumbled, "your liver's going to turn into a prune if you keep this up."

Misato turned her barstool around, leaning forward until she was close enough to whisper, "No, I mean you should go home and protect your husband."

"From what?" Asuka wondered.

She shivered as Misato leaned a bit closer.

"…me."

( 0 0 0 )

Shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have done that.

Like his 'mustn't run away' mantra, Shinji found repeating these few simple words kept him from freaking out and running from the apartment at top speed.

"I can't believe I really kissed her…"

Actually, he could believe it… he just couldn't believe that there would not be repercussions for his actions. Misato had been gone for a good few hours, and Asuka had left not too long after her, muttering something about needing to find the purple-haired woman to ask her a question.

Gotta say, though, he mused as he clicked through the TV stations, that… didn't suck.

He indulged in a guilty smile, thinking that he would probably be killed – or at least thrown out – when Misato got home. You don't kiss your guardian without her consent and get away with it, after all. So what if she never stopped you. So what if she never said no. So what if she was technically your wife – you just don't get away with laying a kiss on a woman like Misato and think that there won't be backlash.

Damned if it wasn't worth it, though.

"Time to face the music," he whispered as the front door opened.

A moment later, Misato came into the room… and to Shinji's very great surprise, she did not immediately yank him off the couch and hustle him to the door. In fact, she simply looked around as if trying to find something, and when her eyes passed his, Shinji realized that she was fairly well tanked.

I'm saved, he thought suddenly, she's not killing me, which means either she doesn't remember that I kissed her, or she doesn't care – and considering that I can smell the whiskey on her from here, I'd say it's option one. What do I do? What do I do? Oh, I know! Run away! No, wait… mustn't run away, right, um… pretend nothing happened! Yeah, that works!

"Hey."

"Hey."

Misato bit her bottom lip as Shinji clicked the TV off and rose to his feet.

"Is… Asuka here?"

Shinji shook his head. "No, she went out," he said still marveling over his good fortune, but reminding himself that she could still remember in the morning.

If she doesn't, he thought, I'm off the hook, because if she remembers later, I can always say it was a dream she had when she was drunk. It's perfect! …God, maybe Ayanami was right about-

"Huh," Misato mumbled, breaking into his thoughts, "she must not have taken my advice."

Shinji blinked, thinking that this was a rather odd thing to say. "What advice?"

"Er… nothing…"

Shrugging, Shinji said, "I'm going to put some laundry in. Be right back."

Misato nodded, lowering her gaze to watch the young man leave the room. "Ah, stop that!" she told herself. "He's so young and so… tasty. God, what should I do?"

In her mind, she could imagine a cartoon-like devil sitting on her shoulder. Her imagination created this little image as herself, of course, only clad in a black leather bustier and sporting a pitchfork with hearts engraved along the haft. She could almost hear the imp's instructions whispering sibilantly in her ear.

'Do him!'

Turning her head, she pictured the corresponding angelic version, replete with white robes and a tiny halo floating above its miniature head. The only problem was that when she turned to the little angel, it looked her in the eye and gave her only two words of advice.

'Do him.'

Guess it's unanimous.

"Shinnnji… where arrrre you?"

Shinji poked his head around the doorframe. "Umm, right here where I said I was going to be," he said slowly. "What is it?"

Using her best seductive walk… or the drunken version thereof, Misato slunk over to where Shinji was patiently waiting to see what she needed. Leaning on the doorframe, she looked the young man in the eyes and whispered, "You wanna see my stamp collection?"

"You collect stamps?"

Misato simply stood in dazed wonder. Well I guess I can't expect him to know that line, she thought, it's older than the commander, the sub-commander, and Ritsuko all put together.

Why she put Ritsuko in the equation when she was only a year younger, Misato was not sure… but just then, she didn't feel 29 – she felt more like 19, and 19 was a damn good age for her.

19 was when she spent a week in her room making love to Kaji.

"Nice shoes," she said abruptly, pulling out the most obvious of the lame pickup lines in her repertoire, "wanna f-"

Brrring.

"Hang on," Shinji said, heading off to the kitchen to answer the phone, "I'll get that."

"Wait!"

Misato pounded the doorframe in frustration as Shinji vanished into the kitchen. This was not going the way she had expected at all. Come ON, she berated herself, I'm drunk, I'm cute, he's younger – and he kissed me earlier – getting him in bed should be as easy as snapping my fingers!

As if to illustrate this point in her mind, she tried to snap her fingers… but found that she was a bit too drunk to accomplish this.

Damn it!

Pushing away from the door (and pausing for a moment as the sudden movement made her head spin) Misato went into her room to look through her outfits, thinking that maybe something a bit sexier would get her husband to get off of his ass and onto hers.

He IS my husband, she reminded herself as she pawed through her closet, nothing wrong with giving your husband a little something, right? Hell no… especially when you haven't gotten 'a little something' yourself for nearly a year. Besides, I'm making a man out of him, right? He'll thank me for this!

Conveniently forgetting that all of her reasons were based on her own raging hormones, Misato continued to go through her belongs. Was Shinji a catgirl fan, she wondered, or maybe he had a nurse fetish? That she had both of these costumes would have made several of her coworkers gasp in shock… though most would probably just mumble, 'figures.'

Ooo… she thought wickedly, I know…

Several minutes later, she reemerged from her bedroom, heading into the living room (where the TV was once again blaring) and calling, "Oh, Shinji… I have a surprise for y-"

She was cut off as she found herself face to face with Asuka.

"Well," the redhead said dryly, "I think he would be surprised… if he was here."

Misato, who was quickly losing her buzz, kicked the coffee table.

"Ow!"

Asuka looked her up and down, shaking her head and arching an eyebrow as she asked, "So what's with that getup?"

"Uh… heh," Misato mumbled, holding her flight jacket (the only thing she was wearing) a little tighter shut. "Laundry day… you know how it is."

"…right."

Misato gave up the act. "Oh shut up! Just because you don't want to be married… ugh, why am I even talking to you? Where's Shinji?"

"What, so you can jump him?" Asuka snorted, clicking the TV off.

"Umm, yeah, duh," Misato said curtly, "married, you know – married to him… nothing wrong with wanting to get a little closer."

Asuka shook her head. "Yeah except that you're twice his age," she said incredulously, "and his guardian… and his operations director… what is wrong with you?"

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, Misato said, "Back at you, Missus Katsuragi." She continued as Asuka's face suddenly darkened. "Should we do a poll up at your school to see how many girls would kill to be married to a guy like Shinji, or are you so thick that even if every woman on Earth wanted him, you'd still think he was a loser? See, the thing is," she explained, "I never thought about him like that before he kissed me… but ever since, I've been thinking that maybe he's not so-"

"Ever since?" Asuka cut in, "It's been like, five hours! God, how much did you drink? It was one kiss, Misato – this isn't a fairy tale, you know, people don't fall in love from one kiss."

"Mmm a fairy tale," Misato mused, her eyes distant and hazy, "I didn't even think of that. It's like I was asleep all this time and he-"

"Oh shut up!"

Askua rose to her feet and looked up at the purple haired woman with undisguised contempt.

"I'll bet if I was here when he got squirrelly, he would have tried to lay one on me."

Misato's eyes suddenly sharpened. "Yeah, sure," she said darkly, "because you've made it so clear that you want him."

Suddenly, Asuka's face lit up. "Let's make a little deal, then," she said coolly, "you and me, here and now, to see who he wants to be married to."

"I don't make deals with terrorists," Misato said wryly. "We know you don't want to be married to him, so-"

"The deal," Asuka interrupted, "is simply this – if I can get Shinji to ask me to stay married to him, you sign the official guardian's objection form and get this marriage annulled."

"And if I win?"

Asuka pursed her lips. "Well," she said slowly, "I, er… hadn't thought of that."

"Pretty damn confident, aren't you?" Misato muttered. "Fine, you're on… but if I win, you have to swear that you won't make another move on Kaji for the rest of your life."

"What?" Asuka exploded, "How is that fair?"

"Well, if I win you'll still be a married woman," Misato said sweetly, "and Kaji would never get involved with a married woman, so it's really like I'm doing you a favor and keeping you sheltered from the heartbreak of rejection. And besides, I might still have something with him if the thing with me and Shinji doesn't work out."

"You calculating bitch," Asuka whispered. "I don't believe I'm hearing this."

"What, that I'm already thinking about what to do if it doesn't work out with Shinji?"

"No! That you're thinking of getting with Shinji in the first place!"

Misato shrugged. "You're just stupid," she said bluntly. "Shinji's a good guy. Just because you're too shortsighted to see… hey, where is Shinji, anyway?"

"Oh," Asuka said absently, "when I got home he was just walking out. Guess he got a call from Wondergirl and went over to her place."

"And… you didn't think that was strange?" Misato wondered.

"Why should I?"

Misato pointed to the clock on the wall. "It's midnight," she said, "what reason, could you possibly think of, for little introverted Rei to ask Shinji over to her tiny, one-bedroom apartment this late at night?"

Asuka considered it for a moment. "That little whore!" she gasped. "She's trying to be the other woman!"

Blinking, Misato said, "Well, I was thinking she was trying to convince him to let her copy his homework since there's a history final tomorrow and she's been absent so much, but your idea works too."

"Come on!" Asuka exclaimed, "If we don't get over there fast, it won't be a matter of which one of us he picks, it'll be which one of us gets chosen as a bridesmaid when they get married – for real!"

Heading for the door, Misato said, "Over my dead body!" Glancing over her shoulder, she said, "What? What are you waiting for? Both of our futures might be riding on this!"

Slowly shaking her head, Asuka made a simple recommendation.

"You might want to get some clothes on first."

Continued…

Author's notes: the deal is set, the players are in motion, and Shinji has become a chess piece in a diabolical game of cat and mouse… but has Rei made a preemptive strike and gotten a piece before anyone else? Find out in the next installment, and look forward to more shenanigans, tomfoolery, and yes, monkeyshines.

This chapter went out without being pre-read. It seems that Hawk was too busy with that 'real life' of his to get back to me on this one. Hopefully it doesn't suck too bad. Now no one can corroborate the fact that Misato's old friend was decided long before Hawker-748 guessed it…