Disclaimer: The world of Neon Genesis Evangelion and the characters contained within do not belong to me. I am only borrowing them for my own twisted purposes. This story is for entertainment purposes only and not for profit because no one in their right mind would buy a fanfic from me. :)

Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:

WISHES OF THE CHILDREN

-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen

-Arc I: Metamorphosis-

     Rei pulled her blanket over her head trying to hide from the light. She knew what the light represented and wanted it to go away. She didn't want to leave this place where she was so warm and content. The world did not exist in this plane between slumber and wakefulness and she preferred it that way. What was the point of waking up? There was nothing out there for her but pain.

     But despite her desires, Rei felt herself gaining consciousness. She snuggled deeper into her bed and tried to sink back into the comforting embrace of darkness. The needs of her body soon became too strong to ignore however. Rei reluctantly pushed away her blanket and sat up. She then wrapped her arms around herself to ward off the chill.

     She stumbled into the bathroom to relieve herself. The floor was cold against her bare feet, but she was too tired to really notice. Her mind was sluggish and she couldn't focus on anything but her discomfort and desire for sleep.

     A few moments later, Rei disrobed and stepped into the shower stall. Her hand grasped the knob then hung there motionless. She didn't want to be here. She was tired in so many ways. Why did it have to be so hard?

     Rei took a deep breath then forced her hand to rotate the knob. There was a hiss before the downpour of water began. Rei gasped as she felt the icy needles impact against her sensitive skin. Her grogginess was instantly washed away. And she remembered.

     She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. The cold was now the furthest thing from her mind. She reached up with a trembling hand and wrapped her fingers around her pendant. Somehow, the blue heart pulsed warmly against the palm of her hand.

     The Heart of Desires. What was it the old man had told her? The magic inside this pendant is very subtle and lasts for only a day. It can't change reality or affect other people. What it can do is change you according to your heart's desire for yourself.

     Rei's hand fell to her side. The necklace dangled slightly before settling back against her chest. Why was she thinking such pointless thoughts? They accomplished nothing and only served to agitate her mind. She tried once again to focus, but could not summon the energy to do so. Unbidden, her thoughts returned to yesterday's strange events.

     She had been told that she deserved a wish. That could not be true. She had done nothing that warranted such a precious gift. Her purpose was to destroy the world. How could someone like her deserve anything? Someone who could not even do something as simple as making a wish.

     It did not matter what she wanted, Rei told herself. She was the pilot of Evangelion Unit 00 and the heart of the Instrumentality Project. That was supposed to be enough for her. Everything else was supposed to be irrelevant. Everything had been fine until some intruder had upset the balance of her life. She was fine with the way she lived. There was nothing more she needed...

     The lies no longer comforted her. She opened her eyes and tilted her head back so that the water could run down her face. The pain would fade soon. It always did.

     Rei watched the rain fall, unblinking, and she felt a slight pressure build up behind her eyes. She began to blink rapidly to alleviate the sensation, but that only increased the stinging. What was happening to her? Her throat felt clogged and her nose was tingling. Something was wrong. She shivered then caught herself. Something was definitely wrong.

     She mentally replayed the last ten minutes, finally noticing what her mind had glossed over in its weariness. Her eyes sprang open as everything clicked into place. She was different somehow.

     Rei turned off the shower and slowly walked over to the mirror with water dripping off her body. Timidly, awkwardly, she approached the mirror, refusing to believe in the preposterous notion that had occurred to her. Yet a part of her could not keep from hoping. She raised her eyes from the floor and looked. Rei stared, unable to look away. Her face...

     Her eyes were bloodshot and her lips were trembling. Her eyebrows were shaped like miniature frowns and her forehead was furrowed. She thought she looked horrible. She also thought that it was the most terrifying and beautiful sight she had ever seen.

     This couldn't be happening. She touched her face in awe, unable to believe that this was true. How could this have happened? She hadn't made a wish! Had she?

     Rei was confused and that confusion reflected plainly on her face. She studied her face, feeling how naturally the muscles in her face shifted to match her mood. She didn't even have to think about it as she had the few times she allowed her feelings to manifest.

     Rei searched within herself, trying to determine exactly what happened. She felt different but yet she didn't. It took her several minutes to pinpoint the difference. Her emotions had always been like a separate entity that had no real bearing on her life. They were intriguing but ultimately irrelevant. She could ignore them at will.

     She didn't think she could do that anymore. The world around her seemed more distinct somehow. She could not explain it, but colors seemed to be brighter, the drips from the showerhead were more audible, and the cracks in the wall that she had never bothered to notice before leaped out at her. But most significantly, the emptiness inside her had lessened.

     Rei tried to think of what to do next, but she kept getting distracted by her reflection. With a wrench of effort, she turned her head away so she could concentrate. Shouldn't she be worried about this? Hadn't Commander Ikari told her that emotions made one weak? She should be calling Doctor Akagi to look over her, but she had no urge to do so. This felt right somehow. It shouldn't. She should have been worried that the wall in her mind that separated her emotions from her thoughts had been knocked down, but she could not get over how right it felt.

     Logically, she knew she shouldn't feel this way. She knew emotions were a weakness. Didn't the way she was acting now prove that? She knew the Commander would not approve of this. She knew she was putting herself at risk trusting that what happened to her was benign in nature. She knew these things, but she didn't care. She wanted to explore her thawed feelings and no number of arguments would sway her from that.

     Rei felt a sudden weakness in her knees and she had to prop her body against the sink. She hadn't realized that being more conscious of her feelings meant less control over her emotions. Never before had she allowed her emotions to influence her actions when they conflicted with her duty. Never had they felt so strong before. This worried her greatly. How much had she changed? Who was she?

     She shook her head slightly then drew in a deep breath and slowly released it trying to restore her composure. It was amazing how naturally and easily she committed actions she had only seen others do. Rei slowly relaxed and when she deemed herself ready, she looked into the mirror again.

     The face that stared back at her may have been more expressive, but it was still the same face she had seen every day of her life. The crimson eyes that were now so bright and showed so much still revealed her and only her. In that moment, Rei felt a strange calm come over her and she forgot about wishes and duty. She saw only herself.

     I am Rei Ayanami. I am I. That is all that matters, Rei thought. She was changed, yes, but there was no reason to believe that the thoughts and emotions she had were not her own.

     Her lips twitched then curved upwards. I'm smiling, Rei thought in wonder. This was not the tiny, unsure expression that she had given to Ikari-kun. This was not the exaggerated grin the Commander liked to see on her from time to time. This was a genuine, carefree smile. Whereas minutes before, her face had looked like it had aged ten years she now looked radiant. Her face had smoothed out and her wet, unkempt hair now made her features seem endearing rather than morose. It felt good.

     Yet there was that uncertainty that lurked in the back of her mind. She tried to ignore it and maintain her good mood, but her smile faded when she opened the bathroom door. Rei had never noticed how forbidding her dwelling was. The tiny living area was draped in shadows. The sunlight that had woken her illuminated her bed, but went no further. Rei couldn't help thinking that her bed seemed like a lonely island cast in a sea of darkness.

     The sheen of dust that covered every available surface and the paint peeling off the walls also heightened the bleakness of this place. It was almost as if her home had been designed to drain the spirit of whoever lived here. Rei shook her head in irritation. She was thinking illogically again. She had lived here for years and there was no reason she should feel like a stranger in her own home.

     Rei's eyes shifted to find something that would distract her from the sinking feeling in her stomach. Her eyes landed on a pair of broken glasses lying on her dresser. Rei stood frozen until a slight pain in her chest reminded her to breathe. She then forced her suddenly heavy feet over to the closet. She mechanically got dressed, unable to keep her eyes off the bent frames. They seemed to stare at her from across the room, silently accusing her.

     That's impossible, Rei told herself. This was just the result of an unrestrained imagination. Again, reason failed to calm her. Her eyes stared, unblinking, at the symbol of her superior. The man who gave her life. Unbidden, Commander Ikari's face appeared in her mind. His face was masked behind his clasped hands as always, but his eyes radiated disappointment. And she knew that disappointment was directed at her. No... at the original.

     Rei, we have been over this many times. Emotions are a liability that you can not afford to have. You were created for one reason and one reason only. Do not allow yourself to be distracted by irrelevant concerns. You must have control. Without control, you have nothing.

     Rei squeezed her eyes shut trying to will the memory away, but those dark eyes continued to peer disapprovingly at her through their opaque lenses.

     This is for your own good, Rei. You have to build up walls to protect yourself. You have more reason than most to be wary of humanity. They can be cruel and hurtful when they fear what they do not understand. You must stay apart from them or you will only end up getting hurt. Do you understand?

     Rei watched her younger self nod, not entirely understanding what the Commander meant but knowing that if he said it then it must be true. That was the essence of the faith she had in him. The world would throw up its obstacles, but the Commander would always know what was best to do.

     She didn't know what to believe anymore. That realization hurt more than she thought possible. Her thoughts were conflicted. How could something she was told was wrong feel so right? And yet... the Commander wasn't wrong.

     Rei rubbed her throat gently. She could almost feel those two cold, unyielding hands.

     "You little bitch! You're replaceable too! Did you know that, Rei? You're just as replaceable as me!"

     Stop! It hurts! Please let go! Rei thought desperately. She squirmed and kicked, trying to scream, trying to force air into her lungs, trying to do anything to make the pain stop.

     Doctor Akagi simply stared down at her with maddened eyes.

     Rei's struggles grew weaker. Her vision began to darken and there was a painful thundering in her ears. She didn't understand! What had she done? Why was the doctor hurting her? Why...

     I don't want to die. Please... please...

     Dying was horrible. It was painful. It was terrifying, but... life was worse.

     Rei opened her eyes causing a viscous liquid to press against them. Was she underwater? A part of her mind told her to hold her breath, but she instinctively knew that it wasn't necessary. She touched the glass in front of her and wondered what she was doing here.

     The last thing she remembered was... dying. Strangely, this information didn't seem particularly worrying. In her mind's eye, Rei watched Naoko Akagi throw her to the floor then strangle her ignoring the scratches and bruises Rei was inflicting on her.

     Rei remembered being afraid, but she had trouble relating this memory to herself. This event seemed to be happening to someone else entirely for the lack of effect it had on her. Rei tried to reach back further, but the few images she could find kept dissolving before she could really grasp them.

     She sensed a motion next to her. Rei turned her head and saw her own face stare back at her. The face had her red eyes and her blue hair, but the frozen smile and vacant eyes of her double were not hers. Rei knew she should feel something, but once again, there was that curious numbness.

     There was a slight tapping on the glass and Rei turned toward the sound. She saw Commander Ikari smiling sadly at her. A flicker of... something... ran through her then quickly faded.

     "I'm sorry that this happened to you, Rei," he said. "But I hope you understand now what I've been trying to teach you. People are such sad creatures. Humans try so hard to understand each other, but they can't. Not completely. And it is that lack of understanding that leads to events like this."

     The Commander pushed up his glasses then took a step closer to the glass. "Until the Project is complete, it is better that you stand alone. I hope you understand that now."

     Rei sank to the floor and drew her knees to her chest. Why did it hurt so much? It had never hurt so much before. She had never allowed it to hurt so much. Rei lightly fingered the wet streaks that trailed down her face. Tears she had not known she was capable of producing leaked from her eyes.

     She was so tired... of everything. She had never asked to be brought back to life or be responsible for the fate of humanity. She wanted... she wanted... to be left alone.

     But at the same time she didn't want to be alone. That thought didn't make any logical sense, but not everything that was true had to be logical. She knew that now.

     The Commander was correct when he said that it was a risk to get close to others. There was a possibility of getting hurt. It was impossible to perfectly understand another soul and that lack of understanding would only leave her vulnerable to misery. But... wasn't she miserable now?

     What had standing alone gotten her? An apartment in shambles, a shambles that reflected the state of her soul. Unceasing dissatisfaction that wore away at her daily. She had become the object of fear and despise by almost everyone who knew her. Even emotionally deadened as she had been, she had known pain that left no scars or bruises but hurt all the same.

     Would the alternative really be worse?

     Rei held the blue pendant in the palm of her hand and peered at the miniature of her tear-stained face that reflected back at her. She had the rest of today to search for the answer to that question for herself if she wished. But was that what she wanted?

     Logic said that she should not throw away such an opportunity. In all likelihood, she would never have another chance again to see what might have been. Though to be honest with herself, the logic of it did not matter to her. This was what she wanted. This was what she always wanted though she hadn't always known it.

     Then why did it feel like she was betraying him? Loyalty demanded that she stop thinking these thoughts. But loyalty wasn't enough anymore. Her desires were fighting her loyalty and she felt herself weakening and she welcomed it. She had given the Commander everything her entire life. Would a mere 24 hours really be too much to ask? She would never betray him despite his obvious worries. All she wanted was one day.

     Rei realized that her decision had already been made. Without any real thought, she had thrown away years of duty for her own selfish desires. That it was temporary did not matter. All that mattered was that in the end, what she wanted was not what the Commander wanted. And worse of all, she did not even feel that bad about it. Rei wiped her face angrily. No, she didn't feel bad at all.

     Liar.

     The floor continued to grow wet with her sorrow.

Author's Notes:

I hoped that I have reassured those who were concerned that I intended to do drastic changes to Rei's personality. Rei Ayanami is a wonderful, unique individual and I never intended to change the essence of who she is. All I wanted was to do was have Rei learn that she had the potential to make her own choices and live her own life just like anyone else.

Has anyone here ever read If I am Normal, Are you Weird? by Austin Covello? This author also had the idea of 'changing' Rei but he took it so far that she wasn't recognizably Rei anymore. This may have been because he was writing a semi-humor fic, but I felt he wasted a good idea. So I'm writing my own story. I hope it's working well so far.

I would like to thank my pre-readers Feyrbrand, PhilG, and Rei Ronin for their encouragement and for helping me with my writing. Thanks, guys!