Disclaimer: See the beginning. I shouldn't have to repeat myself! ;)
Thanks to Kai and PhilG. You guys rock!
Anyway, Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:
WISHES OF THE CHILDREN
-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen
-Arc I: Reaching Out-
Rei was curled up in a ball on the floor. Her eyelids were tightly squeezed shut, but tears still managed to flow down her face. She was afraid. The world she lived in no longer made sense. She wasn't supposed to question the Commander. She wasn't supposed to have these feelings.
Was it so surprising then that she was afraid? The certainty she had known almost her entire life was gone. Now, doubts and fears plagued her mind. She didn't know what to do. She needed someone to tell her what to do...
Someone like Commander Ikari, perhaps? So eager to become a prisoner again, are we?
No! Rei gritted her teeth in anger. She was not a prisoner. She did not need permission to live her own life. Rei's nails dug into her palms, almost drawing blood. The pain was enough to clear the fog from her mind. She had made a decision and she would not back down, she would not surrender to her fear, she would not be weak.
Rei focused on her breathing, taking slow, deliberate breaths, attempting to recapture the early mornings feeling of warmth.The warmth that made her feel like there wasn't anything that she could not accomplish. Had it really been such a short while since then? It certainly didn't feel that way. Was this what was meant by the phrase 'time flying'?
Rei shuddered. Time was not supposed to be twisted so easily. Could she no longer trust her own senses? Had she not already lost enough? Rei tightened her fists again, trying to maintain her focus. She was very dismayed to experience how ridiculously easy it was to fall back into depression.It was a horrible emotion, but it was perversely attractive and in a strange way, it was even comforting...
Was this how Ikari-kun lived his life? The reason his smiles were so far and between? She has often wondered why the Third Child wasted so much time brooding over inconsequential matters. It seemed like a pointless expenditure of energy. Now, she understood how good it felt.
She shook her head slightly. She had to remain alert or this would all be for nothing. She could not shut herself off from the world no matter how tempting it was to do so. Closing her eyes, Rei focused once more on the gentle motions of her breath. Inhale. Exhale. She remembered gazing into her mirror and seeing an ordinary girl smile as if she had done it her entire life. She remembered being at peace with herself.
Her mind latched onto that image and used it to steady her nerves. The tension slowly drained from her body and she no longer had to blink away tears. She uncurled her body and stretched feeling the tingling sensations that came from staying in one position for a long period of time.
Then she simply stared up at the ceiling and allowed herself to be. She didn't think, didn't feel. She simply was. With each breath, the tightness in her chest faded more and more. Her eyes welled up again, not out of grief, but to cleanse her body of the poisons she had carried around for so long.
Rei lied on the ground, neither thinking nor feeling, until she felt she was composed enough to go on. Rei pushed herself off the floor into a cross-legged position. She dried her face with a sleeve and was surprised at how much lighter she felt. She felt oddly at ease. Nothing about her situation had changed, but she felt better all the same. The releasing of tears... crying... had allowed some of her turmoil to dissipate. She was still sad, but she no longer felt overwhelmed. Perhaps crying was not so unnatural after all.
Her throat throbbed as if in reply and Rei winced. Of course, overdoing anything was bad, no matter how helpful it was. Her throat ached. Her eyes tingled now, and felt overly sensitive to the light. Rei got to her feet and walked unsteadily to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water.
As she sipped from her glass, she wondered what she should do now. She rested her head against the counter in the hopes that she could think more clearly. It was not everyday that one experienced an epiphany, and though she was tired she still had much she wanted to experience. But what could she possibly do?
A part of her mind told her that she still had time to finish the rest of the school day. Rei's lips curled into a bitter smile. Despite what her peers may have thought, she was not unobservant. She was well aware that many of her schoolmates would take advantage of her newfound vulnerability. How could she go to school when she no longer had her control? How could she face the other students when her body would betray every hurtful and painful feeling she had?
They scorned her appearance and her quiet manner. They punished her for being different than them. Rei could understand this. They were jealous of her status as a pilot and could not stand to be thought inferior to a person such as her. She could understand this also. But underneath their bluster and hatred laid a fear, a fear of her, and this she did not understand. She only knew that it was true.
There was no doubt in her mind that if they saw that she had changed, their behavior towards her would only grow more derisive. It was basic psychology. The other students may have disliked her for being so aloof, but they understood that and were comfortable with that. Any action on her part that would shatter their fragile worldviews would be met with vicious retaliation. To adolescent minds, change was more terrifying than any Angel.
No one would be happy for her. No one would congratulate her for going against their expectations. They would be angry with a Rei who talked back and didn't meekly accept their insults. They would be frightened of a Rei who wasn't a pariah to be ignored or mocked for their amusement.
And they call the Angels monsters...
The hypocrisy was too much. The pain was too certain to be dealt with calmly. With a soundless cry of fury, Rei hurled her glass at the wall with all her strength.
Rei sagged against the edge of the counter, barely able to stand, gasping for breath. She trembled with a rage that had no outlet, a rage she knew she could not release at any cost. Wish or no wish. If she allowed herself to be devoured by her fury, a girl who had no experience with real anger and had never needed restraint, then...
For the first time, Rei became fully aware of how dangerous she really was. She hugged herself tightly, trying to stop the shaking of her body. How could she have imagined that this would be better? She was just as miserable as before; she simply no longer had the ability to hide from it.
Maybe she had been better off when she hadn't truly understood what loneliness and misery were. When she had thought that the emptiness inside was simply a part of who she was and didn't mean anything. Knowledge truly was a burden.
Rei stared at the shattered pieces of glass on the floor. She wondered if she should just go back to bed and wait for this day to be over. Perhaps that would be best for everyone.
Though a part of her wanted nothing else, a larger, more insistent part refused to go cower under her blanket. She would see this through. Rei was bemused in spite of herself. What an interesting time to discover she was stubborn. Perhaps she had taken the title of 'Wondergirl' a little too seriously. What could she hope to accomplish when not only was she afraid of the world outside her door, she was also afraid of herself?
And once again, she had the question of what she was supposed to do. She would not go to school, but where else could she go? While sitting here in her apartment was vastly educating in itself, she wanted to see more of the world that she had saved many times but had never truly experienced. Had never been allowed to experience.
Rei sighed. She had so many problems and no idea where or how to start solving them. Between questions that only generated more questions and fluctuating emotions that were slowly driving her insane, she could barely think. There was a logical solution to her problems, of course, but one she was loath to consider...
Asking for help.
She couldn't do this alone. She needed someone to help her understand her new feelings, to explore her new desires with, and to keep her from committing actions she would later regret. But who would help her? She knew of no one who would be safe to confide in or willing to help her... except one. Shinji Ikari.
Rei's head rocked back slightly. Just thinking of the brown-haired boy had triggered an avalanche of emotions. Happiness, sadness, confusion, fear, longing, and other not easily identifiable feelings ran through her. She struggled to clear her mind, but she was mesmerized by the image of shimmering, brown eyes...
She didn't know which pain was worse. That of her battered and abused body or the pain of failure. She knew that the Third Angel would shortly breach NERV's walls and she knew that it would be because of her. She had trained for years for this battle and she had fallen within minutes. She deserved all the pain she had received. The fact that she had been injured during her activation test was irrelevant. She should have done better.
The Commander had not even come by her room after she had regained consciousness. Perhaps that was the greatest pain of all. The room was empty except for her. The nurses had undoubtedly gone to clear space for the expected casualties that would soon come pouring in. They didn't know that their efforts would be in vain.
She had tried her best... but it seemed her best was not sufficient. It was pointless to dwell on the matter. It would all be over soon. Her only regret was that she would not be able to see the Commander one last time.
Rei was about to drift off back to sleep when she heard his voice.
"Pilot Ayanami... Rei... are you there?"
Ignoring the agony in her throat, Rei whispered, "Yes, sir."
"The replacement turned out to be useless."
For a moment, the words refused to register in her mind. Then, a voice that seemed to come from somewhere far away, said softly, "I understand."
Who said that? Oh, it was me. I must be in shock, Rei thought. That would explain why she was feeling so detached from her body. She barely noticed when two orderlies came into her room and wheeled her bed out into the hallway.
She saw everything in a dreamlike haze until they arrived at Central Dogma. Then she saw the Commander's eyes and the haze dropped away. She was dimly aware of the center's other occupants and the rumbling that was going on around her, but she saw only the message in the older man's eyes: 'One more time.'
It was not a request. She knew that what he wanted was impossible, but she knew that she would try anyway. Because that was what he wanted.
She braced herself then tried to sit up. Her bruised ribs, shattered femurs, and broken collarbone screamed out in protest against her intended action. She bit her lip to keep from crying out. She would not fail again.
The room shook again, more violently this time, and, for an instant, Rei found herself flying... then the ground rose up to meet her. Spots danced before her eyes for a few seconds. She felt a growing wetness seep through the bandages around her torso. She felt the broken piece of bone that was now sticking out of her left shin. She knew that she was on the verge of death. But she wasn't dead yet... and that was all that mattered.
Rei tried to push herself up with her uninjured arm and fell back down whimpering. She sensed a presence kneel beside her then felt two arms wrap around her body. Her injuries flared up again, but those pains were overwritten by complete and utter surprise. She had never been held before. At least, not when she was conscious. It was not entirely unpleasant.
She opened her eyes and peered into the brown eyes of a young man about her age. There was nothing distinctive or special about him except perhaps for the deep melancholy on his boyish features, but Rei felt a jolt of recognition looking at him. But she was quite certain that she did not know this individual.
He didn't appear to be seeing her. He was chanting something over and over.
"...run away. Don't run away. Don't run away..."
Then for one heartbeat of time, he looked directly into her eyes. And what she saw in that gaze terrified her. Terrified her as much as she could possibly be being what she was. She saw eyes clear of judgment or calculation. There was no detachment or thinly veiled discomfort in those brown orbs. They were eyes that simply saw her as another human being. Something of value.
Rei felt a strange, unfamiliar sensation build up within her body. Suddenly, the room shook again and the feeling was gone.
Time sped up again and the boy jerked his head away, closing his eyes. Rei recognized the emotion of anger on his face and she instinctively drew back until she realized that it wasn't directed at her. She would liked to have asked why he was so angry, why he had looked at her so strangely, why when she looked at him she felt such a strong sense of familiarity... but she was so tired... Against her will, her eyelids closed and she felt her mind drift toward the darkness.
The last thing she heard before her body shut down was the strange boy saying softly, "I'll do it... I'll get into it."
Rei opened her eyes, shaken. She had relived this memory before trying to understand why she had such a strong reaction toward the Third Child. She had concluded that her mind had merely responded to the similarity between him and Commander Ikari. She had accepted that conclusion without question until now. Examining the memory through an emotional lens, she saw that she had been grateful to Ikari for his compassion. And there had been something else...
She shook her head again slightly to realign her thoughts. If she thought too much more about the contradicting emotions her fellow pilot evoked in her then she might never leave this spot. She was stalling and there was no reason for that. She had found a solution for her dilemma and a guide who would hopefully lead her out of this web of confusion she found herself in.
Satisfied that things had been resolved so simply, Rei walked back to her living area and removed her cell phone from her bag. Then she had a striking thought. What if he did not want to help her?
She would just have to think of another solution then, the logical part of her mind said calmly. The rest of her brain was not so serene. She stood, frozen, staring at her phone trying to think. What if... he laughed at her? Or told her that he didn't care about her petty problems?
Rei knew that he would never be so cruel, but just thinking of these possibilities, ridiculous or not, was enough to send her heart racing. And to be perfectly honest, she had no idea how he would respond. Shinji Ikari was a most perplexing individual.
She did not think she could take a rejection in her current condition, but she had to try. She had to know. She turned on her phone and the training she received from Section 2 made her switch on the Caller-ID blocker. One could never be too careful.
Her trembling finger pushed down on a speed dial button, and then she waited the longest ten seconds of her life.
Her nerves were in shambles over this latest time warping and she almost missed the disappearance of the ringing. Emanating from the speaker, a voice said, "Hello?"
Rei's voice caught in her throat when she heard his voice. She tried to speak, but she was paralyzed. What was wrong with her? She had no reason to be afraid! Once again, her body failed to respond to rationality.
"Hello? Who is this?" the voice asked, sounding slightly irritated.
Rei licked her dry lips then replied in a wavering voice, "Ikari-kun... it is Ayanami."
"Ayanami? Does NERV need me for something?" He sounded surprised, which was not surprising, since Rei preferred to inform him of such things in person.
"No... it is a personal matter. Could... could you come over to my apartment now?" she asked.
There was a long pause that caused Rei's heart to sink. Of course he would not come. Why should he? She was just the strange girl he worked with. He owed her no loyalty or consideration. She had been wrong to think that Ikari-kun considered her important.
Ikari, sounding hesitant, said, "But... I'm in school. Could I come over after?"
Rei's grip on her phone tightened. "No, it must be now. Please, Ikari-kun... please..." She hated the way her voice cracked. She hated how weak she felt. Her control was slipping away again. No! She was not a little girl who would cry at every sign of trouble. But despite her best effort, she could not prevent a sob from escaping her lips.
"I'll be there in ten minutes," Ikari said surprising her with the urgency in his voice. He hung up.
Rei stared at her phone feeling both elated and a little disgusted with herself. She resolved not to embarrass herself further in the future then she sat down the bed to wait for the male pilot.
Two minutes later, she found herself fidgeting. Simply sitting here waiting seemed inappropriate somehow. Ikari-kun was breaking multiple school regulations for her. She felt she should do something as a gesture of appreciation. It was a remarkably unusual impulse for her to have. She liked it.
She had never invited someone over to her living quarters before. She could not remember if anyone besides the Commander and the NERV deliverymen had been to her apartment before Shinji had been summoned to Tokyo-3. According to her hazy memories of etiquette lessons the Commander thought it would be useful for her to have, offering her guest some tea was the courteous thing to do in such a situation.
Rei went into the kitchen and searched the cupboards. She was surprised to find a dusty but serviceable package of tea in a corner. For some reason she had tea, though she had never made it. How many tea leaves were needed to make tea? More tea should be better than less tea, she reasoned. She dumped in a large spoonful.
Following the directions for heating the tea was simple for a girl used to piloting a giant death-machine. She had just finished setting up the table when Ikari-kun came running into her apartment and collapsed on the floor.
"The tea will be ready soon," she informed him. Her lips twitched and it took her a second to realize that she was amused because of the situation on the floor.
"Arigato," Ikari gasped, his chest rapidly inflating and deflating.
The kettle whistled. Without thinking, Rei reached out and grabbed it. She suddenly cried out from the burning pain coursing up her arm.
"Are you okay?" Ikari yelled jumping to his feet.
"I just... got burnt a little," Rei stammered, staring at her reddened fingers. She was no stranger to pain, but this really hurt.
"Here! Just put cold water on it!" Ikari cried, pulling an unresisting Rei over to the sink and shoving her hand under the faucet.
The sudden burst of freezing water on her wound was almost as painful as the burn itself. Rei bit her lip to keep back her cries. It was infuriating to have her sense of touch now be so sensitive. She shouldn't be so affected by such a minor injury!
Ikari grabbed her hand again and pulled it up to his face and studied it intently. With his other hand, he ran his fingers lightly over the tips of hers. "Does that hurt?"
"No..." Rei replied quickly turning her head away so Ikari-kun wouldn't see her blush. She was extremely aware of his warm, gentle hands overlapping hers. Why was she reacting like this? Ikari-kun had fallen on her before and she hadn't felt like this!
Ikari's face suddenly turned red and he dropped her hand like he had been the one burnt. He quickly turned away and muttered, "I'm... I'm going to pour the tea."
He picked up the teapot with a potholder and began to pour. Still not looking at her, he said, "Um, I'm sorry that I took so long to get here. I had to, uh, convince Sensei that NERV needed me for a simulation run and then I had to pry Asuka off my back because she wouldn't believe that she wasn't needed... I finally managed to lose her and that's when I realized that I had no money for a cab. Have you ever tried to run ten blocks in your uniform? No, that's a stupid question, sorry..."
"Ikari-kun... you're talking a lot today," Rei said surprised to hear so many words come from the generally meek boy.
"Huh? Oh... sorry..." Ikari replied looking directly at the floor. "You can drink now if you want."
Rei felt a burst of anxiety at his misunderstanding. She said quickly, "That was an observation, not a criticism."
Ikari didn't reply, but she saw the tension in his shoulders drain away. Rei joined him at the table and the next five minutes were spent in silence, except for the occasional cough Ikari would give after every sip. His grimacing was a bit irritating since the tea tasted fine to her.
She was on her second cup when Ikari spoke. He said, "Um... Ayanami... why am I here? I thought you were in trouble, but..." He spread his hands and shrugged.
Rei had been dreading the question. She was at a loss at what to say. She felt that she shouldn't tell him about the necklace. It wasn't that she thought he wouldn't believe her, she just felt that she shouldn't. But she had to tell him something to explain her strange behavior. Or did she?
Experience had shown her that Ikari-kun did not take change very well. She didn't have to say anything. Ikari-kun should be used to her reticence. He didn't have to understand anything. He only had to help her. He could come to his own conclusions.
That thought discomforted her so much she had to put it aside. No, he deserved to know what was going on. The what, if not the why. She had enough deception for a lifetime. She stared into her cup. The tea was quite a pretty color. She said quietly, "Something has happened to me..."
She could feel him staring at her. Her chest tightened in anticipation. Would he run? Would he be glad for her or would he be horrified? Most importantly, would he tell his father? She thought she knew him, but how much could one really know a person?
Rei blurted, "Did you mean it?"
"Nani?!"
Her eyes rose from her cup and she saw his startled expression. She was surprised herself. What possessed her to say that? But it was too late to take the words back; she would have to explain herself. She closed her eyes and concentrated. His words had haunted her for months and she could still hear them in her mind.
"We might not have anything besides the EVA program right now... someday, we'll be glad that we survived... as long as we stay alive... it might be far in the future... but until then... let's live on. Even on a black and empty street... if we go together... we might one day find something..."
"...like the moon that floats in the darkness," Ikari finished softly.
He looked confused. So confused that he forgot to be nervous. He straightened up in his chair and then he did a very uncharacteristic thing. He took his eyes off the table and stared directly into hers. He seemed to be looking for something.
Rei stared back, resisting the urge to jerk her head away.
Finally, Ikari turned his head away, seemingly lost in his thoughts. He murmured, "Something's different."
"Did you mean it?" Rei repeated.
"Of course I meant it." Ikari looked at her with pleading eyes. "Ayanami, what is this about?"
Was it her imagination or did she see a spark of hope in his eyes? She glanced at the expression on his face that she now recognized as mild hurt. She looked at his fists that were clenched in frustration. Then she looked back into his eyes and she saw no deception there.
She saw only worry. The same worry that occupied his eyes the first time she saw him in the launch bay, after the encounter with the Fifth Angel, and every time he and Soryu would walk off leaving her alone.
Her inner voice spoke. There is only one question you have to ask yourself. Do you trust him?
Her response was immediate and made without hesitation. With my life.
The knot in her stomach loosened. He cared for her well-being. She had nothing to fear from that.
"I need your help..." Rei began, finally allowing herself to relax.