Disclaimer: The world of Neon Genesis Evangelion and the characters contained within do not belong to me. Some people think it's sad that I'm writing about other people's characters, but Sadomoto will one day discover that I'm his long-lost, abandoned son and who will be laughing then?! :)
Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:
WISHES OF THE CHILDREN
-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen
-Arc I: A Conversation-
"I need your help..." Rei began, finally allowing herself to relax.
Rei paused to organize her thoughts. Where was she to begin? She looked into her tea again, but she found no enlightenment in the shimmering liquid. Nothing in her life had ever prepared her for such potential vulnerability. Then again, she never had to consider such an outrageous possibility.
It was amazing how far she had come in so short a time. She never would have imagined sitting in her apartment with another person ready to reveal her innermost thoughts and feelings. Still, she could not speak. But this hesitation was not due to lack of trust in her confidant.
Revealing her feelings would mean admitting openly that there were parts of her life she was dissatisfied with. Once the words were spoken, there would be no way to take them back. The unspoken worries and pains she had carried around for so long would gain an independent existence from her mind.
Perhaps it is like crying, Rei thought. Perhaps it would be therapeutic to release the pressure that had been building up inside her for so long. She really hoped it would be.
Rei glanced up at Ikari's face and took comfort from his hesitant smile. She was not the only one who was anxious. She said, "For you to fully understand my situation there are some things about myself that I must explain first.
"I am aware of how I am perceived by others. I am described as cold, emotionless, inhuman... and other adjectives not appropriate in a civil conversation."
Ikari shifted in his seat. He mumbled, "I wouldn't go that far..."
"You are kind," Rei interrupted. "But mistaken. What my peers say is harsh but not necessarily untrue. I am different from everyone else. My appearance is not natural. My reactions to external events do not match that of the norm. For all intents and purposes, I am... a freak."
Rei stopped again, feeling an unexpected lump in her throat. She quickly cleared her throat then continued, "There is one area, however, where the students are mistaken about me. I am not emotionless. Contrary to popular belief, I have emotions and desires that I do not believe are any different from yours...
"Actually, this is not quite true. Most people, as far as I can tell, spend a great deal of time pondering their feelings and that of others. They will live through an experience then later go over in their minds how they were emotionally affected. I do this to some degree, but I am more concerned about how an experience will affect my performance at NERV rather than how good or bad it makes me feel."
Ikari-kun seemed transfixed by her words. "You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?"
"I had plenty of time..."
Rei's eyes sought out her kitchen window, and she stared out at the crumbling buildings. This was a view she was intimately familiar with after so many years. She knew every crack and stain, every decoration and hole. There had been walls before this. The gleaming walls of her room at NERV and the transparent walls of her first home, the cloning tanks. There had always been walls.
All I have is time. Time to observe, to study, and to wonder… what's on the other side.
"Understanding one's self is vital to understanding the world," Rei said softly. She looked down. "I may not have done as well in this venue as I thought."
Ikari shifted in his seat and Rei looked up at him. "Do you have a question?"
He rubbed the back of his head nervously then said, "If what you say is true... not that I'm saying it's not... then why is it that you don't show any reaction to anything? Well, that's not always true. There was the time you slapped me and it's hard not to notice when you blush..."
Ikari turned red and rotated his head to stare longingly at the door.
Rei felt the strange tickling sensation inside her again, the same one she felt when she had seen Ikari-kun collapse on her floor from exhaustion. She decided that it was best to ignore the Third Child's strange behavior. She said, "You are asking why I act so cold rather than merely distant."
She didn't think it was possible, but Ikari turned even redder.
"I didn't mean to imply..."
"It is all right. It is a good question," Rei said. "There is another factor that may explain my social awkwardness. From my reading, I believe that while some emotional reactions are innate such as fear in reaction to danger, others are learned. Why would a person fear a test? Because he has learned to associate anxiety with it.
"Emotion is not merely physical, it is also mental and my intellectual reactions do not always coincide with my physical ones. Social cues you take for granted mean almost nothing to me. I have to struggle to put them into context and perform the appropriate response. I often fail. My feelings are, for lack of a better word, less intense than yours. For the most part, I am not happy or unhappy. I simply... am..."
"That's horrible," Ikari whispered.
Rei felt her eyes well up and she had to blink furiously to clear her vision. There were so many things she wanted to say to him right then, but all she could manage was a soft, "Thank you."
She didn't know why she was thanking him. Her life was not as horrible as Ikari-kun seemed to believe. She had been quite content to live a quiet life of duty and order.
Even now, you lie to yourself.
There had been times when she had wanted more, but those times had been few and far between.
You make it sound like a minor inconvenience. It was anything but that.
Those times had not come often, but when those times came... when they came, she literally could not force herself to get out of bed. She saw no reason to do anything. It hurt, it hurt so much to want something and not even know what it was she wanted. All she knew was that she was missing something vital that everyone else seemed to possess.
Her absences from school were not always because of NERV.
The Commander never mentioned it, but during these times he made sure to schedule more lunches with her. They helped to ease the pain a little. A part of her knew that he was simply making sure that his tool remained functional, but she did not care. He had never lied about where she stood with him and that honesty made him closer to her than anyone.
Until now. Ikari's eyes held the same kind of honesty, but it was more... pure. They held a different type of truth. She didn't want to look at those eyes.
Because they see you as you wish you were and not what you actually are. At least... until today.
"Do you believe in magic, Ikari-kun?" Rei asked impulsively. She raised her hand to her mouth in shock. She hadn't meant to raise the subject so abruptly!
Ikari's expression was not what she expected. It was one of thoughtfulness rather than surprise. He sighed deeply then said, "These days I don't know what to believe anymore."
Rei didn't know how to reply to this. She fingered her pendant unconsciously thinking that perhaps she had once again underestimated Shinji Ikari.
"Does this have to do with what happened to you?" Ikari asked.
"Yes..." Rei replied. She struggled to put her experience into words. How did one describe the impossible? This was so difficult!
"Is it classified?" Ikari asked.
"In a way..."
"Then just tell me what I need to know," he said, sounding resigned, but his lopsided grin told her that he didn't really mind.
Rei felt a rush of gratitude toward him. Ikari-kun was always considerate of others, often to the point of ridiculousness, but she appreciated that trait very much at the moment.
"I have been given the chance to see what I am missing..."
She stumbled over her words wanting him to understand, but at the same time reluctant to allow him to get so close to her. She cared very much for what he thought and she was afraid to find out what it was.
I never cared before. No, that's not true. I simply was not supposed to care, but I did.
"I never knew that I was missing anything before, but I met a man who showed me otherwise..."
The broken glasses on her dresser, the beaker full of water, and the desk by the window... they used to be enough for her, but now that she could see...
"I have emotions, but I could not and would not act upon them... Now I can..."
Rei wanted to tell him how overwhelming it was, how wondrous and horrifying this day has been, but she lacked the words to tell him. How could she explain an experience that Ikari took completely for granted?
"And it's amazing," she finished lamely.
Ikari looked stunned at this. Rei understood that this was a lot to take in, but when Ikari continued to stare silently at her, she experienced a sinking sensation in her chest.
"You don't believe me?" Rei asked, crest-fallen.
After some hesitation and feet-shuffling, Ikari replied, "No, that's the thing. I do believe you. I can't really explain why because I'm not sure myself. I should be more surprised, but I'm not. Maybe it's because I've seen so many strange things since I came here that this seems small in comparison. I guess I'm happy for you, but I'm worried. What do you want me to do?"
Trust Ikari to be self-centered at a time like this, Rei thought then immediately felt ashamed. She was being unfair. She had unloaded so much strange and disorienting information onto Ikari-kun and given him no virtually time to assimilate it. Anyone would be wary at this point.
Rei took another deep breath. She had been doing a lot of that lately. She said, "I have a simple request to make of you. The change will last twenty-four hours and I wish to use them effectively. I lack the knowledge and experience of what I should do with myself now that I am like this. I would be grateful if you could teach me on what people our age normally do. Also, I would... like to see the city."
Ikari was silent for much longer this time.
Rei felt she should say something and didn't know why. Silence had never been so uncomfortable before. Ikari-kun had not said a word for ten minutes now and that was making her nervous. She reasoned it was simply because she was uncertain of his motives. She needed to understand, but she struggled to remain composed.
Another five minutes passed and Rei's resolve to wait patiently slowly withered away. Ikari was not running away in terror, so this was good, right? What was taking so long then? Was he simply trying to find a way to refuse her gently?
Ikari-kun seemed like two different people at times. Each time she found herself in a situation where it was necessary to speak to him, she could never be certain whether she would be speaking to the compassionate young man who had cleaned her apartment or the apathetic, selfish boy who had ran away because he was too consumed with his own pain to notice that of others.
She wondered how Ikari-kun would respond if she was to present this observation to him. He would undoubtedly be astounded that she was capable of such a sophisticated thought. It wouldn't be his fault. Present an unsmiling, blank face to the world and most would assume a lack of a mind behind it. Her lack of emotional understanding may have isolated her from the world, but it also allowed her to see it more clearly than most people.
The separation of emotion from thought produced naivety, not blindness. She wished that she still had that unfiltered vision. A little objectivity would be nice right now. Rei tried once again to catch Ikari-kun's eye, but he wouldn't look at her. He kept staring at a fixed point on the table.
Rei gripped her hands tightly under the table determined that she would not be the first to break the silence. It should be simple for her to pretend that she could care less about Ikari-kun's decision. Despite her resolve, she could not keep her face in its customary blankness. She knew she was failing with every twitch and squirm. Finally, she gave up.
Right as Rei was about to speak, regardless of the consequences, Ikari looked up at her.
"Why me?" He asked in a voice barely above a whisper.
Rei blinked in confusion.
Ikari said, "You can't be asking me for help. I don't know anything about this!" His arms tensed for a moment then all in the energy in him seemed to drain away. He said pleadingly, "I can't do this."
Rei felt like all the heat in the room had vanished.
"You don't want to be here. You are frightened of me now. I understand," Rei said, looking down at her clammy hands. She could not keep the sadness out of her tone.
Ikari jerked, almost knocking over his tea. "No, Ayanami! You misunderstand me. I want to be here. I won't lie. Seeing you like this scares me a little, but in a way, I have been waiting for this. I don't know how it happened and I really don't care.
"But... but..." Ikari took a shuddering breath. "You want someone to help you understand your feelings. Can't you see why I'm the worst choice possible?"
"There is no one else," Rei replied before she realized how that sounded.
Ikari gave a laugh that was obviously forced. There was a hollow quality to it that caused her to shiver. He said, "Better no one then than a weak coward like me."
"Ikari-kun... please..."
He wasn't listening. "If I'm your only chance, then you're screwed!"
Ikari's head whipped around.
He raised a hand to his cheek and stared at Rei's raised hand. "You... slapped me. Again!"
Rei was flustered. She lowered her hand. "I... couldn't let you speak like that about yourself."
"Why not? It's true!" Ikari shouted.
"No, it's not!" Rei shouted back.
Ikari jerked like he had been slapped again. Rei sat in stunned silence, unable to believe that she had actually raised her voice. It stung her throat a little too. But Ikari's words had reignited the spark of anger in her and she was letting him know it.
She stumbled over to the window and stared outside. She was too embarrassed to look at him. She should let him leave, but she couldn't. It hurt to hear his words. She didn't know why, but she couldn't bear it.
Rei said in a strained voice, "Did you listen to anything I told you? You keep telling me that you are less than nothing. How can you say that to me?"
"Of course I did... I didn't mean... you really don't think it's true?" Ikari stammered, sounding ashamed and confused at the same time.
Rei was glad that she still couldn't see him because she suspected that her face had turned red. In what she hoped was a neutral tone, she said, "You have saved my life, the life of Pilot Soryu, and the lives of everyone on Earth multiple times. These are not the actions of a coward. Even if you do not believe that, believe that I believe that."
"Ayanami..."
Rei turned around when she heard the strange inflection in his voice.
Ikari stared at her as if he had never seen her before. "Is that what you really think about me?"
Rei crossed her arms. "Whatever else may have changed, I do not lie. My thoughts and opinions are my own. I simply feel freer to express them now. I respect your abilities and am confident that you will do your best not to fail me. Now, I will ask you again. Will you help me?"
Ikari's eyes shimmered with a strange light. He said, "I would be honored."
"Why?" Rei replied bluntly.
"W-why?" Ikari repeated, his forehead wrinkling.
Rei's lips twitched. I believe I now understand what is meant by the saying, 'His expression was priceless.'
"You wanted to know why I chose you. It is only fair that I know why you want to help me," Rei said. I also want to know why you have always helped me in the past.
Ikari hesitated then seemed to come to a decision. He leaned forward. "Could you sit down first?" After she did so, he gave out a long sigh. "You have been extremely honest with me. In fact, I think this is the most I ever heard you say. I appreciate that and I guess it's my turn."
He started drawing small circles on the table with his finger, seeming embarrassed. "I have never told anybody this, but when I first came to Tokyo-3... I saw you outside the train station... or least I saw a vision of you. This was before I even met you! I know that sounds crazy..."
Rei raised her eyebrows at him and Ikari chuckled. "Okay, maybe not so crazy. Anyway, she seemed so real. It kinda freaked me out when she disappeared." His voice grew softer. "What I remember most about that girl... wasn't her blue hair or red eyes, though that was what caught my attention. It was... how sad she looked..."
Ikari shifted his eyes away from her and cleared his throat. "I knew then that I wanted to help her. I had never wanted to help anyone before..."
He took a deep breath then said, "I'm still not sure about this, but I'm glad you called me to help you. You and Asuka are some of the only friends I have. I mean, Touji and Kensuke are my friends too, but they don't go through the stuff we do..."
Ikari continued to talk, but Rei was too dazed to make out his words. Her head suddenly felt too heavy for her neck and she had to prop it up with her hand. Ikari-kun considered her a friend? She actually had a friend?
A pleasant, tingly feeling made itself known to her and she couldn't help but smile.
"Rei..." Ikari said with widened eyes. "You're smiling..."
Rei shrugged and took immense pleasure out of performing such a simple movement. She felt very warm then. "I am... happy. Isn't this what I'm supposed to do?"
She stared at him, still smiling, and after a moment, he smiled back. He said softly, "Yeah, it is."
Author's Notes:
Rei comes across as very deep in this chapter and I intentionally made her that way. Quiet people are the deepest after all. Being one myself, I should know. Her philosophical musings on Man's fear of the darkness that she told Shinji and Asuka on the hilltop outside Tokyo-3 seems to point in that direction.
She goes to school and doesn't talk. She goes to NERV and only speaks when necessary. At home, she probably does nothing. So she must obviously spend a lot of time thinking. And what do most people think about? Themselves, of course. We're a self-centered lot we are!
My pre-reader Feyrbrand disagreed with this statement saying he mostly thought of others, so I fired him for being a better person than I was. Just kidding! I couldn't resist...
Anyway, sorry for the wait. I had some logistical problems. I want to give a warm, THANK YOU! to my pre-readers for this chapter: Feyrbrand, Ayanami-chan, and Wanderer.