Issues

of the Heart, Breaking of the Mind

By Me!

-Please let me apologize to you all now, I am sooo soooooooo sorry! And I also don't own Saiyuki, which I forgot to mention last time-

Morning. A typical, boring morning. Breakfast found everyone sitting in some degree of awkwardness, ending with Sanzo smacking everyone and asking what the (no, wait- yelling) fuck was going on. Of course, there was no response. Frustrated, Sanzo left almost irritated enough to shove the entire damned pack's worth of cigarettes into his scowling mouth and light them all at the same time. Unfortunately for him, there were no cigarettes left.

With a not-too-quiet huff, Sanzo decided that the only way he was going to get any cigarettes was if he got them himself, and that's exactly what he did. Everyone else was still at the table wallowing in some degree of self pity, so no one bothered to accompany the irritated monk.

Hakkai suddenly snapped himself out of it, finally extinguishing his uneasy feeling by telling himself that he had simply been too tired to think properly. He smiled suddenly, startling Gojyo, who had been staring at him out of the corner of his eye. What the hell is he . . . ? But shrugged it off exactly as Hakkai did, with the same thought that Hakkai had, even though they both knew that rational explanation couldn't stand up to their feelings for long.

Goku, on the other hand, was silently picking at his food, unable to get that dream from his mind- or at least not long enough to even lower the chopsticks and scoop up a dumpling, which in Goku's case would be just about as short as it gets. In fact, his golden glazed eyes didn't really even see the food. I should have known that it was a dream- was I actually expecting him to be crying? Not to mention-

Not to mention loving Sanzo had never really come across his mind.

The more he thought about it though, the more it made sense. How close they had gotten (even if most of the time it seemed one sided), how well they knew each other (although there wasn't much to know…), how right everything felt when they were together, and the undeniable lust that waged itself against Goku's body whenever thatasshole was near him, or even on his mind. Shit.

With a sigh, Goku decided that there really was nothing he could do about it until he thought about it more, and this was neither the time nor the place to do that. Looking up, he suddenly saw that half of the food was already gone, and Gojyo was reaching towards the last pork bun. "God damn it you red cockroach! You ate it all! You-"

"My, it looks like everyone's-" began Hakkai, but whatever the rest of his sentence was never heard, as Gojyo's shock wore off (due to the saru's sudden outburst) and he began yelling back at the boy, who really wasn't a bit as oblivious to Hakkai's stare as anyone watching would have thought.

"I don't see your name written on it! Besides that, look at who's holding it!"

"Why you son of a-!"

BAM

With a bullet hole appearing suddenly behind them, they looked up to see Sanzo in the door way, a cigarette from his new pack implanted firmly between his lips.

"We're leaving. NOW."

Seeing Sanzo's mood, they were all too ready to respond by whipping out the door without even a whine- or at least one that could be heard over the next few gunshots. That was it, heading west as always was just as dreary as always, and since the moment they had left the restaurant, nobody even bothered to touch the thoughts that had been bothering them.

Sanzo's thoughts were, like usual, bordered up in a fortress complete with a moat and barbed wire, so if it had even been possible to see them, there was no way in bloody hell that you would be able to move it. And so that was it- temporary normalcy held them again, and the tension was temporary held my rationality. How very like them.

"Kougaiji-sama, where are you going?" Yaone looked towards Kougaiji, head slightly tilted in confusion.

"There's… something I need to do. Please don't worry, just… I'll see you later." Yaone nodded, but an uneasy feeling crept over her and settled, unmoving. Yaone sighed and turned to search for Lirin- whom was undoubtedly getting into some form of mischief by now.

Dokugakuji came about 7 seconds after Kougaiji left, looking frantic and questioning Kougaiji's whereabouts. When Yaone told him that he had just left, his eyes grew large and Dokugaku left--- and fast. Yaone shifted slightly, attempting as best as she could to quell the oncoming torrent of panic that rose like bile in her throat. She unintentionally slammed open a door to discover cold emptiness where Lirin should have been.

"Are we looking for something?" A cold voice cooed through the loud speakers. Ni Jianyi, thought Yaone frantically.

"Where is lady Lirin?" She demanded in the calmest tone that she could muster.

"Oh yes, the little girl is here, being treated like the princess that she is." Yaone envisioned that pretentious bastard sitting by the intercom, smiling cruelly and holding that damned little stuffed rabbit. A scream broke out and echoed through the large empty hallway, making Yaone flinch.

"What are you doing to her!" She demanded, drawing on her spear.

"We both know that that wont do you any good dear, but-" there was a pause, in which Ni reveled in his own brilliant victory- the image of Yaone's face twisted in emotional agony. "Why don't you come and join her?" Trap doors flew open below Yaone and a last scream was sent through the castle as Yaone's world turned into blackness.

"Hey, food?" Goku was expecting to get cut off at hey, but all he got was a semi- irritated look from Sanzo- after he had actually finished.

"We're still a few hours away from the next town Goku, please be patient." Goku sighed and looked to Hakkai through the rear view mirror, who was scarcely maintaining his own sanity through the usual smile. It had only been a couple of hours, but it was becoming apparent that without anyone to fight, or any distractions before them, the empty time was only making them think about what they didn't want to.

Hakkai slammed on the breaks, waking everyone from their thoughts and causing Goku to hit his head on Sanzo's seat. He opened his mouth to yell at Hakkai, but stopped when he saw why Hakkai had stopped.

Kougaiji was there, perched atop a tall grey rock with a look similar to boredom spread across his features. "Hey," he said as they all simply sat in the jeep staring at him.

"Hey! You pop outa' nowhere and all you have to say is hey!" Goku's irritations didn't bother Kougaiji at all, whose glazed eyes didn't waver away from them. Goku noticed that Kougaiji's eyes weren't so much glazed, they were watery. Concern coursed through Goku. True, circumstances may have made them enemies, but a strong respect and something rather similar to friendship had grown between all of them, hadn't it?

"I'm sorry." Kougaiji looked down now, not meeting any of the Sanzo-ikkou's eyes.

". . ." Sanzo raised an eyebrow but continued to say nothing. Kougaiji jumped off of his perch on the rock and landed before the jeep, an air of importance surrounding him.

"I must speak to all of you, and you really do need to listen." Goku's confusion was halted by the urgency in Kougaiji's voice. Surprising even more, was the fact that Sanzo was the first one out of the Jeep, who promptly walked perhaps four feet in front of Kougaiji and sat right there on the ground. Gojyo followed wordlessly, and then Hakkai. Shrugging, Goku got out as well, taking a seat across from Sanzo and poking at the ground.

"I want you to all know that I respect you, and even though we've been working towards opposite goals…" he broke off into silence, but they could all feel what he meant. "I…" his seriousness made Goku look up from the spot on the ground he had been playing with. "I want to end it." The words normally would have meant a fight, but now they meant self defeat. "I know that this… all of this… has been so useless. I just wanted to save her, and to protect them… but, it's over now. I know that." There was a silence.

So that was it then. Both sides were crumbling into themselves without lifting a single finger towards their opponent. "There is nothing left for me here." Goku was in shock. Give up hope? Give up his friends? His sister? They needed him, didn't they?

"Kougaiji, what happened? What the fuck's going on here?" But Kougaiji only smiled.

"Please kill her. I could not do it, but I know that you can; and if not... for your mission." The air stiffened. "I just… I just wish that I could have been… stronger."

Goku wanted to smack him, shake him and tell him to snap out of it; he wanted him to stop it- not do it. But he also understood, strangely, in some way that he didn't want to. Kougaiji had been strong in a hundred other ways, but not where he needed strength most. The pain and the loss were too much to bear, and there was nothing left to live for. He stood up slowly and looked at his enemies respectfully. "Thank you."

Nobody said anything as Kougaiji walked away. Silently, they all climbed into Jeep, unwilling to really do anything. Goku could feel hot tears burning behind his eyes, but he refused to let them go, refused to uncap the emotions.Kougaiji had lost the ones he loved, and the light of life had been extinguished like a candle in a hurricane; and he understood. For some stupid reason that he didn't understand, he understood this. And even though he didn't want to- he understood.

Shaking himself, Goku firmly kicked everyone else's problems from his mind. He needed to focus on his problem. But still, it tied to Kougaiji's problem, with something like a shadow creeping into his heart, a feeling that his problem would have a much more horrible outcome, and it would come soon.

------Yeah, I know I promised it to be better and longer, but then I had to go back and re-write it. I know it sucks now, but by the time we hit the end you'll all love me! And I know that Kougaiji's not the mopey-goth-sappy-giveuphope, kinda guy, but you HAVE to wait until the next chappy to complain to me! You will see the light of my story's day! Ok, yeah, I'm having issues right now- I admit it! But I've been busy drawing up a dojinshi for Journey to his Heart (which I did not write- she's waaaaay better than me), and I just started making Goku's costume for this convention I'm going to- and the fact that I live with my mom(who's a truck driver and therefore lives in a semi-truck), doesn't help. My sewing machine's a piece of junk and my hand stitching looks like a two year old super glued a screwed up spool of thread on fabric. Yet I can't help feeling guilty for not getting this out sooner (as I finished it last week). So, at the end of my worthless rant, I now grovel on the floor for your forgiveness and swear to Konzeon Bosatsu that I will update before my convention! Please review, it may come out sooner! coughhintcough