You were warned.
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Chapter 4: Thoughts and grief
That fuck head, damn him. How can he do this to me? I thought he just needed a place to stay, I didn't think he was going to be come my god-damn keeper. My god! He even went through my room and the bathroom and threw out anything he deemed dangerous.
Bastard.
He just doesn't understand. She was my life, how am I supposed to live with out her? And it wasn't even the damn disease that killed her, that's the worst part. Here we were in fear of the day the disease would rip us apart and some horny fuck did it instead. When I think about what happened, I can't believe it. I grow so angry, I just want to kill something, kill them. I want to take a guitar string and wrap it around their necks, and pull. I want them to feel ever bit of pain, and then some, that they made her feel. I want them to die, slowly, just like she did. But the best part? I think I'll give them some smack first. Maybe I could carve her name in their skin, have them watch. They wont feel a thing, not at first. Wouldn't that be fun, having to watch yourself getting cut into, carved up. Its what they deserve.
And Mark. Those bastards. I can't believe they did it, I can't believe Mark didn't tell anyone else. God damn it, how could those pricks do it to him? Bad enough they got Mimi and had their fun, but Mark too. I over heard Collins talking to Joanne yesterday. I was shameless about it, but Collins knew I was listening. He let it slip. Mark was raped too. But only after Mimi had stopped screaming and struggling. I guess she wasn't enough of a conquest after that, those fucks. Mark is probably positive now. That was the last thing anyone wanted for him. None of this was wanted.
Its almost Angel's anniversary. I don't know if Collins does anything special for it. Damn it, he probably wants to visit him, but of course he has to keep watch on me.
They don't understand. She was my life, Mimi was. I remember our last words to each other. Clear as day. We were fighting over, of all things, marriage. She wanted to elope, make things easy, just the "family", I wanted a big wedding. I was such a prick too. I insisted that if we were going to get hitched we were going to do it right and make it huge. She was pissed because she knew we could never afford it. Hell, we can't even pay rent. Thank goodness Benny has a new woman that Muffy doesn't know about. That's helping, a lot.
Mark has to carry a cane all his life. I overheard that too. I left Collins a note asking him to get me some wood. I'm gonna try and carve him one. I used to carve toy cars for my little brother, cause god knows my father never did anything. I haven't carved in years though. I let it go because I thought it would ruin my image. Fuck my image. What does it matter? Not like I have any gigs anyway. Hell, not like I ever leave the apartment. Their all afraid I'll go back to smack. Little do they know, that's the last thing I want. That shit... Its shit. I couldn't do that. It would betray Mimi. Mimi quit for me, what would it be like if I started smack? After all she went through to become clean, if I suddenly started again? God no...
I haven't slept since she died. I can't do it. I'll dose, or I'll pass out, but mostly its just me staring at the ceiling. All the cracks in the damn drywall. Theres a thumb tack up there, no idea why. Its one of those things that I know Mimi would have laughed at, just the oddness of it. I can't sleep with out her, I'm used to hearing her breathing, feeling her curled up next to me, her head using me as a pillow.
I never realize she's really gone until I lay down for sleep. Or unless theres something I just know she needs to know, and I look up and yell for her, right before I realize she's not there.
She'll never be there. She's gone for good.
Damn them. Damn God. What the hell gives him the right to take her from this world? Is he that selfish? She was such a bright star. Couldn't he have waited a few more years for the disease to kill her, or was he that selfish that he couldn't wait? Can't blame him. I would have wanted Mimi with me too. Damn.
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I think he's asleep, or at least pretending to be. I need out of this apartment, so many memories. So many memories of her. God, I know she would be pissed if she saw me now. She didn't want me to be alone, and here I am, alone.
Oh
Angel, oh sweet Angel. God just wanted you so bad, for there was no one
more worthier of the title Angel then you. Not even the Angels in the
sky, for you were real, and you didn't mind helping others. You were
real.
Is God?
No one will ever understand the pain I have everytime I think of you. I loved you, you were my life.
Damn.