Chapter 5 – No Wonder The Electric Razor

So, here I am, another year older, another year with out Angel. Angel wouldn't have wanted me to stay like this, constantly alone. I know this, but how can I abandon her and her memory? I would feel like I betrayed her. So instead I'm just going to go on with life, and start making breakfast. Yup, thats it. One step at a time towards the kitchen. Okay now, reach up, grab a bowl. Get the cereal from the top of the fridge. Pour the cereal into the bowl. Add milk. Get spoon. Take a spoonful. Chew. Chew. Swallow.

"Hey Collins, whats up?" I look up shocked, Roger just spoke! Civilly! With a casual statement! Oh my! Could, um... he be snapping out of it? Is his official mourning period over?

"Hey Roger, nothing much. Want some cereal?" I don't bother waiting for an answer, I just get up, grab a bowl. Get the cereal from the top of the fridge. Pour the cereal into the bowl. Add milk. Get spoon. Hand it to him. Something tells me that I need some spice in my life. I sigh.

When Roger hears me sigh he pauses in his devouring of the cereal and looks at me. "What wrong?" I nearly have a heart attack! Roger is thinking about something besides his grief! I can't take much more of this with out a heart attack! Oh I know he deserves more credit then that... wait. No he doesn't.

"I was just thinking about Angel." Its not really a lie, Angel is never truly far from my thoughts. I see him wince and give me a compassionate look. "I know what you mean." he says it so matter of factly, as if he infers all the emotions of loss I feel everyday. Maybe he does, maybe him loosing Mimi was akin to me loosing Angel. I can see him gazing at me, the look in his eyes saying 'hey! I finally got it! Oh I'm a fuckin' genius! I finally understand you! Too bad it took loosing Mimi..." All of his anger seems to be gone from him, as if he's accepted what has happened. He's full of surprises today, and they just don't seem to stop.

"I want to go see Mark today." I feel like I'm going to faint. I can't believe this. Roger Davis isn't... Roger Davis anymore. He's almost the i New Improved Roger Davis V.2.0. /i I'm astounded. But I keep my cool.

"Uh.. OoKay. Um. I'm going down there around 3, after his therapy session, so if you want to go with..." I stutter to a halt. I keep wondering when he's going to stop, and revert to his normal self. Maybe I should give the boy some credit. But... No, I'm going to take it at face value. He deserves at least that much.

Its only noon, we have three hours to kill. We eat in silent, and when we're both done we simply stare at each other from across the table, both a bit lost for words. Finally I can see him, it seems like he's screwing up his courage for something. Aye god, that means he probably wants to ask some horribly uncomfortable question. Maybe I am giving him too much credit... I sigh again and nod to him as if to say "well, come on, ask it already". He takes another moment, I guess to collect his thoughts, and finally asks.

"What do you miss most about Angel?" I stare at him, kind of surprised. It seems so bizarre that he's asking such a question, its not even a bad question, nor is it meant in a vicious manner. So with out thinking I respond "Her smile. The way she lit up the room, the way she felt when I held her in my arms." He nods.

"Me too. Especially at night. I haven't been able to sleep." I empathize completely, having not spent more then 5 hours asleep at anyone time since Angels death. Its a wonder I'm alive considering my bad sleeping habits. But he's right, its just so different not to have her next to me. Not to be able to wake in the night and watch her sleep, or feel her warmth next to me, keeping me warm and protecting me. Not to have her arm around my waist as she snores softly in my ear. Oh Angel, I miss you!

I don't know what comes over me just then, but I just say it. "Sometimes I want to join her." Roger looks a bit taken aback by this comment, of course he is! Come on, Collins, Collins here is professing to having suicidal thoughts. I pretty much just came out and said "Yes, I've stood in the bathroom hundreds of times, each morning with my razor wondering if I shouldn't kill myself." Roger's looking at me aghast. I think I spoke that thought out loud. Shit.

He finally just grins and jokes "No wonder you bought that damn electric razor." I give a small laugh and glance at the clock. Great. Three and a half hours to go. This is hard. Roger is looking at me. "Serious. I'm glad I'm not alone. Thanks."

With that I guess he noticed how I wanted to be alone, either that or he got bored. He got up and moved the couch, sprawling across one side. With his head hanging off the arm rest and one leg over the top. He seems to find it comfortable. I watch him for a few moments, wondering if he's asleep, but no, he's just staring at the ceiling. I figure I might as well take advantage of his good mood and get up. I sit on the other end of the couch and he glances at me before moving to sit into a more-normal position. We sit next to each other, and I can't help but liken the silence and awkwardness to my first date in high school. It was with a girl named Cheryl, and I swear, we probably spent 3 hours that day on a couch, sitting side by side on opposite ends, just staring at the wall in front of us.

Finally Roger looked over at me and said "Ya okay?" I nodded and he let it go. He shifted on the couch a bit, and sighed loudly. It looked like he was trying to sleep. I knew that feeling, I needed a good nap too. I went ahead and stretched out, propping my feet on the "coffee table" (its really just a crate), and folding my hands on my chest. Roger saw me and copied. I guess he found it comfortable enough, because he stopped tossing.

I stared at the ceiling for a good long while, before my eyes started to feel heavy, and I just let them drift close.

- + - + - + - + - +

"Mmm... Angel" I murmur as I move close to her... And then I shoot my eyes open and look down. Its most definatly not Angel that has her arm thrown over my waist, nor is it she who has her head pillowed on my arm and is snoring loudly. I can hardly believe it. I look at my watch, holy shit! I think quickly, counting up the hours, glancing at the window. We've been asleep since about 1, and its 9 now. We've slept for 8 hours. Oh. My. I don't want to move. I haven't felt this rested in a long time, and I know that Roger hasn't slept for a long time either. I don't want to ruin his sleep either. I don't know what to think or do.. I haven't done anything like this, with anyone since Angel left. Hell, I haven't even kissed anyone. Yeah, I know, I'm being rational, nothing happened. We just slept, but still, I feel like I've betrayed something. Its not a pleasant feeling.

I stare at the ceiling. Why is there a thumbtack up there?

I let my eyes slowly drift close again.

A/n: I own nothing. What do you think so far? I'm still experimenting with style a bit, so your just gonna have to work with me here. I'd call chapter four a success, even though it didn't do much to further the plot. Tell me what you think. Which chapters the best so far? What do you think of the story so far? I racked my brain prior to starting this for a new take, and I realized that there arn't any Roger Collins slash, only Roger/Mark, Mimi/Mark, and Collins/Benny (Ignoring the generic ones set up by the show itself). So I wanted something origional. Hows it working out?