Chapter 7 – Stupid Mistakes and Attraction

When we got back to the building I carried Mark's suitcase up first and left it on the staircase landing before getting Mark. When I opened the loft door ahead of Mark, holding the suit case, I was greeted by the sight of Collins pacing, his head whipped around to see me. What he did caught me completely off guard; Collins slammed me against the wall, and my head snapped back, denting the drywall, while he grabbed my arms and inspected my veins.

I tried to push him away, because he was too rather close to me, and my head hurt. Alas, Collins had been taking better care of himself then I had and was stronger then me. My feeble attempts were in vain. Finally, when he was satisfied that I was clean, he collapsed against me. And that's how we were when Mark hobbled in, leaning on his cane. I was leaning against the wall, holding my head with one hand and Collins was between my legs, his head against the wall above my shoulder, our torsos pressed together.

What a sight, but all poor Mark did was widen his eyes a bit before moving for the couch.

Collins slowly got up and pushed himself away from me, looking like he had aged 10 years. When he was standing straight up he once again surprised me. He punched me in the jaw, and god did it hurt! I fell to the floor while Collins stormed into his room and slammed the door. Mark stayed where he was, not even looking at me, and asked "Forget to tell him where you were?"

Ugh. Something in me snapped, because I snarled my response. "No, I didn't forget! He was asleep when I left."

"Oh. So you just didn't want him to know."

"No Mark, he was asleep..." and with that, I got up, went to my room and closed the door. Hard.

- + - + - + - +

God, I was so afraid when I woke up. Roger wasn't anywhere in the loft and I knew he had probably freaked out when he woke. I mean I freaked! Internally, yes, because I didn't want to wake him, but freak I did. And what did he do? He disappeared. Aye god. I was so terrified that he had gone to get smack, it was all I could think about, him coming home, eyes glazed, trashed. Or worse, dead in an alley from an overdose or beaten to unconsciousness because he couldn't pay. I shuddered at the thought.

God, I had never felt so relieved as when I looked into his eyes and saw that he was completely lucid, and his arms untouched. And then when I saw Mark come in, I got angry all over again! How could he bring Mark up here! How dare he! Mark is still injured, and still waiting for the test results to say officially whether he's positive or not. And Mark! God, he's so pale, so thin! And he was never a big guy to begin with, but now it's like he's a ghost of his former self.

If I find out that Roger went out with the sole purpose of getting Mark I'll kill him. I swear to god. I will kill him for endangering Mark like that. God, why can't we rewind and go back 10 years, before Mimi left, before Angel left, before the disease even? Everything was so simple then; our only worry was paying rent. Mark and I used to be close, pre-Mark-and-Maureen. Me and Mark, yeah well, let's admit it. We definitely almost had something going, and then I got a teaching job and left. And well... it was my own fault really. I never called or wrote. So he moved on...but I still remember our first and only kiss.

It was a Saturday night, and Roger was out getting high and Benny was at Allison's house. I remember Mark sitting at the table scribbling furiously and sketching shots. I asked him what he was working on and he started describing all these vivid images in his head. He was so excited too, so passionate. And when he got to describing a scene that had a kiss, I just had to stop him, he was talking a mile a minute and had stopped making sense. What he had described was anatomically impossible. I remember he was so caught up in the story, didn't even think twice, but stood up and put his arms around me just like in his vision. It was just so natural seeming. And then it seemed just as natural that he reach up and kiss me. And natural that I kiss him back, and put my arms around his waist before deepening the kiss, and leading us to the couch with out breaking it.

And that's when a fucked up Roger came home—God I was so pissed. I remember Mark's head shooting up and him getting up to help Roger into his room. After that, well I freaked and left for the Life Cafe and fell into bed with some random guy, I think that was the night I got AIDS. Needless to say, two days later I was on a bus to Chicago University to teach, and left Mark behind to take care of Roger.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid...

Roger has the most incredible green eyes...

No! No, no, no. Angel, I love you! I won't do anything. I'll be faithful. Oh why did you leave me? I need your help so bad...

Oh Angel.

- + - + - + - +

Something is going on between those two, and I don't think either wants to admit it. Poor guys. They are both so alone, with their loves gone from them, both so determined to remain faithful to them even though they are lost. I know them, I know how they work. Neither will give in and admit anything until they're forced to. I'm wondering if I shouldn't... I don't know.

You know, life is really fucked up at the moment. Here I am, injured, with AIDS, and crippled for life in an apartment with two guys, who also have AIDS, who've lost the loves of their lives. And all I can think of is how sexy they looked standing against the wall together. Damn.

- + - + - + - +

I'm straight. Right? Right. I loved Mimi. Still love. Not loved, love. That means I'm straight. That means having Collins pressed against me doesn't affect me at all. Right? In theory...

Shit.

I swear to god... Collins shouldn't affect me this way... Oh my god. No! Collins is not attractive to me. Mimi is attractive. Mimi with the dark curls, and sexy smile. Mimi. Not Collins. Mimi.

Mimi.

- + - + - + - +

The night passed and none of the boys slept. They just stared into space with nothing but their thoughts for company.

A/n: Yay! Chapter 7! I got through chapter 10 written (boring day at work) so updates will stay frequent-ish. Right now chapters 8-10 are with my beta (I less than three her). But lets just say things are getting interesting. heh.

Keep reviewing. It keeps me happy. Oh and the dividers I use for the sections... done on pupose. They make me giggle.