Chapter 8 – A Grieving Angel

Life in the loft was quite strange, even though it had a predictable pattern to it. Everyday was a montage of Captain Crunch, AZT, sulking, hidden glances, and carrying Mark to the cab for his doctors appointments and physical therapy.

It was now approaching Halloween, the anniversary of Angel's death, and neither the Musician or the Filmmaker had any idea on what to do for the Anarchist. They wanted to do something special for Collins, something fitting for Angel, but it wasn't until a week before the anniversary that they were struck with utter brilliance. Mark had been going through his old tapes when he found a vast array of shots featuring Angel and Collins in them. With a week to go Mark had a lot of work. Roger too was struck by brilliance, which he combined with Marks to decided to make a box to hold tape.

They couldn't work on the box and video in front of Collins, so Mark spent many a late night working on it, and Roger retreated to his room, pretending to have a relapse in grief. Collins fell for it because it was plausible, for Roger never had explained what caused him to snap out of it in the first place.

When the day came around, everything in the loft was dead silent. Mark and Roger tip toed around the place, and Collins didn't even wake until 3 o'clock. He was unkempt and still in his pajamas from the day before when he stumbled out of his room. All conversations were very short and terse, until finally at seven o'clock Collins got up and started to head towards his bedroom.

"Where are you going?" Mark asked of him quietly. Collins just stared at him, his grief visible in his eyes and the way he stood, slouching in upon himself. He had barely spoken all day, and when he did his voice was hoarse from grief and he was very curt.

"Bed." was his response.

"Wait please."

"Yeah, we have something to show you."

Collins stopped at this and slowly turned and sat back down while Roger ran to get the tape and its case. Setting up the projector they started the film. The screen stayed dark and slowly faded in on Angel drumming and singing a soft song. She sounded beautiful, she hadn't even known that Mark was recording her, the image faded out, though the music remained. The montage continued:

Close on Angel, helping Collins out of the street where she pushed him down as a joke.

Shot of Angel being carried by Collins, both grinning at the camera.

Shot of Angel and Collins kissing.

Shot of Angel and Mimi at the Life Cafe

Shot of Angel carrying Collins

Shot of Angel sleeping in Collin's arms

Shot of Angel. Nothing but shots of Angel at her prime.

Shot of Angel drumming on the street.

Shot of Angel at Life support meeting hugging Gordon.

Shot of Angel sleeping, beginning to look sick.

Shot of Angel telling Collins goodbye, her voice could be heard over the music saying "Its okay to love someone else. You need to live. Just know I'll wait."

Shot of Angel's funeral, her casket being lowered.

Shot of Collins giving the eulogy, panning across to to see all the bohemians weeping for their loss.

Shot of Angel laughing and smiling, saying "I'll cover you; my king."

Last shot of Angel blowing a kiss to the Camera and saying "I love you".

By the end of it Collins was weeping, Roger had tears running down his cheeks, and even Mark, who had watched it and put it together had tears in his eyes. Collins was sobbing, but his eyes remained riveted on the screen, even after the movie was long over. Then Mark laboriously got up with the help of his cane and put the tape in the case. Crossing to Collins he put gently put the case in Collins' lap and sat down next to him. Roger moved to sit on Collins's other side and Collins turned the case in his hands, staring at the designs inscribed into the wood.

Like Mark's cane it was truly a work of art, with the top having a glass panel under which a picture of Angel and Collins hugging was placed. On the sides were carvings of Angel's name with little angel wings in the corners. On the front was a bust of Angel, with wings coming from behind her shoulders, wearing her Santa hat. On the back Angel was carved with Collins' arm around her, her head resting on his shoulder, and him gently kissing the top of her head.

It was truly remarkable, and the longer Collins stared at the images the harder he cried. The more he weeped. Mark and Roger put their arms around him as he folded over sobbing. There were no words of comfort that could be spoken, all they could do was hold him as he wept.

After an indescribable amount of time Roger noticed Mark starting to doze, an effect of his medicine. So Roger nodded with his head towards Marks room and he got up and moved to his room. Roger stayed with Collins, rocking him back and forth gently until the tears ran dry and long after.

Finally Collins looked up and saw Roger still holding him. "It never got easier. They said time would help, but it never healed the hole in my heart." Roger simply nodded and Collins continued. "Five years now, gone for five long years! These should have been our glory years. We should have been together, maybe adopting kids, growing together. She shouldn't have left me!" Roger simply nodded, trying his best to be compassionate, when in reality Collins' words put a cold lump in his throat.

All they both could concentrate on was the loss, that they were alone, they'd never regain that love and fill the hole in their hearts. Both were lost in their own thoughts, not realizing they mirrored each other. They somehow shifted from Roger holding Collins to holding each other. Their grips almost desperate, not wanting to be alone.

- + - + - + - +

The day after Angel's anniversary all three boys cleaned up and got on their "funeral clothes", called that because it was the only time they were worn. They all piled into a cab and headed to the cemetery where Angel laid. They ambled through the neat and orderly rows pausing here and there to lay a carnation on a friends grave: Gordon, Paul, April, Mimi; all friends that were lost, all friends who were loved.

When they reached Angel's grave they stood around it in silence, each contemplating, thinking about her, reading and rereading the engraved words:

Angel Dumott Schunard

October 31, 1998

May she forever rest in peace

knowing that she is remembered.

"Today for you. No Regrets"

- + - + - + - +

Angel was my inspiration. Her voice will forever be in my ear. I think that she was one of my closest friends. Hard to imagine that she's gone. Hard to imagine she's been gone for 5 years. God, she had such a future. She could have been anything she wanted. She wanted to design clothes and raise children. She would have been a great mom.

In the short time I knew her, I believe she knew me better then anyone else, including myself. I remember the late nights, just staying up talking. It hurts so much to remember. It hurts even more to forget.

They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. But sometimes it seems like the grief is like a slow acting poison. Or maybe that's just the disease. Collins is so strong, I don't know how he does it. He's lost so many people, has had so much to deal with. I don't know what will happen once he's gone. I don't know how we'll all survive. There's only so much grief a person can take… we're all going to break one day from the strain of it. But at that point, will there be anyone to put us back together?

- + - + - + - +

"I'll be back in a few minutes" I said over my shoulder, I'm already walking away, back towards the two plots that rest side by side. One bearing the name of Mimi Marquez, the other of April Showers. I remember how I used to tease April about her name, her mom loved the joke. I remember her favorite come back was "Well, why don't you marry me and change it?" I was always to chicken. Maybe if I had...

I think its fitting that they lie next to each other, together. I've already made it known to Mark and Joanne that I want to be buried in between them when I go. I think its fitting...

I loved them both, never doubt. With April it was good, but we ruined it with the drugs. She was such a contrary person. If anyone told her not to do something, she automatically did it. Why didn't I resist? Or had been more firm? She started the smack before I did. Hell, she's the reason why I did it, not that I blame her. It was my own weakness that led me to it. I know this, I'm not going to blame her. But I'm not going to make her into a saint or a martyr. She had no right! No right at all to kill herself! I still have the note she left, the edge of it soaked in her blood. "Roger love, I'm sorry. We've got AIDS" she didn't even sign it. April, you were a fool. A beautiful fool who just didn't know when to stop. And me, well I was the fool that believed nothing could ever bring us down. I never should have doubted the power of smack and the man.

Mimi, god I had such a different relationship with her. It was totally unlike mine with Aprils. Maybe that's what made it work so well. With April it was all about her, all about what she wanted and how she felt. God, that relationship was an emotional roller coaster. In retrospect, when I'm honest with myself, I don't think it could have lasted much longer. I think it was doomed from the moment we started smack. But with Mimi, god I loved her. That was true love right there. With her it wasn't all about her, or all about me. We made each other pay attention to each other. Granted we had a lot of fights… mainly about her job and Benny. God I was so jealous. If only I'd have known, if only had been smarter I would have realized all the time I was wasting when we fought. I never though she would have been ripped away from us so violently.

I wonder what its like to be dead. Will I see them both? Will I have to choose between them? Or is death just an end, and there is nothing more. I hope not. I miss them so much...

Mimi… April…

I love you both.

a/n: There's chapter 8. I got 9 and 10 done as well, like I mentioned. I'm going to hold off on posting them a bit since I have to decide if I'm going to use them as 9 and 10 or push them back a bit more. But either way, keep reviewing. Now theres a few things I wanted to reply to real quick:

Harper's Pixie: Yeah, I know I just had to throw that in. I came up with it and it seemed the perfect way to add more angst to everything. And don't worry, theres going to be plenty of angst!

Countrybutterfly: I know it sometimes takes a while to figure out the POV, but believe it or not I do it on purpose. Especially with the Collins and Roger, their simularities in how their handling their loss is what I'm using to bring them together. And the similarities with Mark... well, I think that will clear up later.

PhoenixSworn: I realized part of my problem with spelling and such. The copy of word on my parent's PC (what I'm using) for some reason doesnt' have a spell checker installed! but thats going to be fixed once I get to school because I'll be back on my PC with OpenOffice.

General note: I'm moving shortly here, going to college and all, so updates might get crazy slow, but I'm too enraptured with this story to let it go. I reread it the other night and got pissed that the author hadn't updated. Heh. Thats me for ya.