Chapter 9 – Private Admission and Triangles

I'll freely admit it. I'm in love with both of them. I know they love me, but I don't think they are in Love. I don't think they could ever Love again. But I can live with that. I think.

At least I have new inspiration for a movie. It's going to be a documentary on handling grief. Staring: Roger and Collins. What better subjects?

I can hear them in the kitchen arguing. Probably about what to do for money. Roger doesn't like using the ATM that Collins rewired too much for fear of getting caught. Maybe I should go talk to them. Just chat and calm them down. Sounds good. It's a plan. Oh, where's my cane? There we go, forgot I dropped it on the floor. I hate having to depend on it, even if it is lovely. It's so frustrating to always have to remember where I put it, and moving so slowly. I can't even go up and down stairs. May never be able too. Oh well.

Ooo, almost there. Finally! At the doorway.

Whoa Buddy!

Whoa there is right! Talk about a wrong moment to enter. Collins just grabbed Roger's face and kissed him.

Wow.

They're standing next to the kitchen counter kissing. I mean a full on, pressed tightly against each other, leaning against the counter top, kissingFunny. My face feels warm. Their oblivious. Holy shit..

Oh. My. I think its suddenly very warm here in the loft.

They're just standing there kissing. Collins is sliding his hands down Rogers chest and moving them too Roger's hips, pulling him close. Roger is gripping the counter top, oh, now he's moving his hands to Collins's shoulders. Their totally oblivious, it must be intense. I feel like such an intruder, just watching them but I can't tear my eyes away. Look at him, Roger is shuddering under Collin's touch. I wish I could have that effect on him, on either of them. Why is the loft suddenly so warm?

Wait... what's going on? What's he doing?

Oh no!

That bastard. Why Roger? Why? Why are you pushing him away? Oh don't do this to Collins! Don't run away! Ah but he's out the door. Roger, when will you ever learn? Poor Collins. I can see the emotions clearly on his face as he leans on the counter. His arms braced on it, his breathing harsh, I can hear him trying to slow it.

What's he doing? He's going after him? No! He can't! He doesn't know Roger that well! That will only make things worse! He's at the door... crap! I guess...

"Collins. Come here."

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He left. God. Do I revolt him? I don't think so. Geeze, he responded... what a kiss. What a kiss!

Maybe I should go find him. Talk to him, apologize for it. I guess I read the signals wrong. Maybe he's not interested. I had hoped he was. Well, no use sighing over it. Might as well find him.

Ugh. I need my coat. Okay, here I go. Walking towards the door now. Step. Step. Step. Reach for the knob...

"Collins" I turn and see Mark in his doorway. I wonder how much he saw. "Come here." I sigh and walk over too him.

Imagine my surprise when he kisses me.

Aye god, this is too much for my brain...

I'm just going to give in for once...

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Oh my.

Collins just kissed me. Oh. My. Collins just kissed me. What on earth?

But.. I mean... I thought... Maybe... I was attrat- wait... But never... He just... Actually...

I kissed him back!

And I liked it... more then liked in fact... liked it rather a lot. Ugh. So here I am, standing in the middle of the street freaking out because I kissed Collins. I'm pathetic. God. What a kiss! I can still feel how he felt pressed against me, how his arms felt around my waist, how I shuddered at his touch. I'm probably blushing. I wonder what the people passing me think of my odd behavior.

The look of hurt in his eyes when I ran away...

Yikes! I'm scum. Scum, that's it. That's exactly what I am. Oh the look on his face... I can't believe I was responsible for that.. but I know I am. SCUM! That's what I am! Ugh! I don't deserve anyone anymore. I can't believe I did that. I had the love of my life, I don't need to do this to Collins, I don't need to hurt anyone trying to recreate it... No. I have to, I love him, I'm not in love, but I love him. I'm not going to let things go down shit creek.

I'll go apologize! That's it. I'll beg forgiveness. I should. I will. Okay, here I go, turning around now. Step. Step. Ste-

"ROGER!" Damn it. I don't want anyone to know yet. I turn on my heels, arms out palms up in greeting.

"JOANNE!"

I always knew I should have become an actor.

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a/n: sorry bout the long delay, have been at school and busy busy. Hopefully I'll update more often now. Yay.

Read and review por favor.