Chapter 11 – I'm not because I can't be
"What the fuck?" was followed shortly by a locked door and loud music. Damn though Collins. Again and again. Just my luck. Shit. Collins laid back in the bed, Mark still next to him and considered his options. They were few.
With out waiting too long, Collins untangled himself and crossed to Roger's door. He knocked on the door softly, and then again louder. There was no response, even after pounding on the door, just the incessant, overwhelming music hat was surely about to blow the speakers out. Collins tried the door handle and cursed when it refused to yield. He heard Mark cough from the other door way, he was leaning against the jam, but Collins ignored him. It was Roger that he was concerned about, nnot Mark. He even knew it was unfair, but he personally blamed Mark for all his troubles.
With his forehead against the door Collins called out to Roger again, banging his head forward in frustration at the continued lack of response. Slowly he gathered himself and went to his room. He went on the fire escape, and saw Roger on his windowsill, smoking and strumming his guitar aimlessly. His back was to Collins and Collins simply stared. "Roger?" It was a plea and a question all in one, odd coming from such a confidant person as Collins; there was a grunt for a reply. "I'm … I'm… no. I don't regret it." Roger seemed shocked, his back tensed, but he didn't turn to look at Collins; he simply kept staring straight ahead out into the street. "I'm not, because I can't be. No regrets. Remember?" Finally Roger turned to look at Collins, he seemed about to say something but stopped with the words forming on his tounge.
Finally Roger spoke, after the silence had lengthened to an almost unbearable length, with only the music pounding out the window to fill it.
"Bullshit." Roger said it so softly Collins almost didn't catch it. He fell silent, neither speaking once again, until like the tornado that took Dorthy and Toto over the rainbow Roger flew up, standing square facing Collins, his voice loud and carrying through the wind. His flushed with anger, and his hair fell into his eyes. "Bull Shit! Of course there are regrets. With out regrets nothing means anything. I regret every day that Mimi is gone. Everyday that I have AIDS and now take AZT. I regret leaving home and being a Junkie, putting Mark through hell. There's always regrets! With out regrets you'll never appreciate what you had! So unless you didn't appreciate and love Angel like you say you do, then you regret her dying!"
The tornado blew out, and the leftover breeze went through the window into Rogers room and closed the window. Collins remained on the fire escape, staring at the street below through the metal mesh, not thinking, not feeling. Just being.
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Mark leaned against the door jam and listened to Roger's out burst and cringed. He knew it was his fault, he seduced Collins, no doubt about it. He felt some guilt, but generally he was able to shake off the guilt. He thought that the more strife the two other men went through now, the stronger they'd be in the long run. The stronger they were the more able they would be able to cope with his impending death.
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Roger sat on his bed in his room, frozen inside, sitting as still as he could. The CD had ended, and he hadn't bothered to turn it back on, so all was silent. He sat and carefully started thinking. Lets be rational, he was thinking Lets review the day.: I kissed Collins, Talked with Joanne, Saw Collins in bed with Mark, and then Yelled at Collins. That equals what? A fucked up day? Nah. Its typical for someone as naturally fucked up as me I guess. Hm… I'm pissed. That's what it means. I'm hurt, and royally pissed off at Collins. Roger slowly stood up and put his guitar down on the bed.
I'm just going to pretend it never happened.
Roger sighed with a determination.
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I'm going to follow Roger's lead. I don't want to screw up again.
Collins sighed in despair.
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Knowing Roger he's going to make believe that nothing went on today. Well that would be counter productive, so I do believe I'm going to shove it in those two's faces every chance I can get. Good.
Mark sighed happily because he had a plan.
a/n: its short, but its here. I hit a good point of inspiration, so hopefully things will start flowing smoothly from my brain to the computer again. Read and Review cause they make me happy.
Coming up soon: Drunken boy