A/N: For Eternal Silence's Challenge. Sorry it took so long.
-:-
You Lied
Well, reality is due,
What you say just can't be true,
When the story's stretched and so far-fetched,
And you're lacking an excuse...
...You lied.
- "You Lied", Green Day
Untruths. Those are my speciality. I lie, I cheat, I steal, and I don't feel a thing when I do. I'm famous for being made of stone and lacking any innocent desire. All I want is to cause pain and to get rich. It's an easy way to live, after all. No guilt, no remorse, no sadness. Nothing. Nothing but hollow, at the end of the day. I never realised that being empty was killing me inside. I felt just fine.
It's funny really, how you can just go from day to day, feeling complete, knowing that you're exactly where you want to be. I wasn't expecting anything new to come around, no singular event that would be the catalyst to the most important time in my life.
And that was when he came along.
He seemed so perfect for me, he was everything I needed. He was charming, and he looked good, and he made me feel special. I didn't need cash, though he knew many ways for us to get plenty, and I didn't need to hurt people, though it was still so much fun when we did it together. The funny thing was that I wouldn't have cared if those simple pleasures went away, as long as Ricky was left behind. They used to be all I lived for. It was as though the whole world didn't matter when he was around. He made everything right. And he promised me the world.
There seemed to be nothing I could do for him that expressed how I truly felt. Even now, as I try to convey these feelings on to paper it seems like no word is good enough. Nothing makes sense, and there are so many scratched out words and mistakes following me around on this page I'm starting to feel as though I'll never get it right.
It's difficult.
He changed me.
I never took the time to miss the way I used to be. The days when all I had needed was myself, and everyone else was just a target. I never knew that feeling so helpless would feel so good, but when the help leaves, then how do you feel?
How does it feel, to be different from me?
Are we the same?
How does it feel?
- "How Does It Feel?", Avril Lavigne
Being in love was, well, different. It's hard to describe, there's never been something so honest in my life. It was strange to wake up happy, to go to bed sighing, to be thinking constantly of someone else. But he wasn't just someone else. He was mine. My Ricky.
We were meant to be together, that was how it felt. Everything we did just fell into step with each other. We were never out of time, we never missed our cues. We fitted so perfectly, or at least so I thought. I believed so much of what he said, because I never expected him to lie to me. He did though, over and over again, and there's nothing I can do to get him back. There's no revenge, because I still love him.
Pathetic, aren't I?
Why would I keep loving someone who was just fooling me all along? Why would I need someone who only wanted me for my money? Is that what love is? I don't know, but then I've never done this before, never felt this way. It hurts, I know that much, and I don't like it but the feeling just won't go away. I keep thinking, if Ricky would just come back he could make this all better, but this is all his fault.
So why does it feel like mine?
If, I expected love, when we first kissed, blame it on my youth,
If only just for you, I did exist, blame it on my youth
I believed in everything,
Like a child of three,
You meant more than anything,
You meant all the world to me.
- "Blame It On My Youth", Jamie Cullum
I swore no man would ever change me. He didn't just change me. He destroyed me.
I'm sick with apprehension,
And I'm crippled from exhaustion,
And I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me.
- "Stockholm Syndrome", Blink 182
Part of me wants to be angry. Don't get me wrong, I'm full of rage, but it's directed towards myself, not him. I just feel so stupid, so easily led. I should have seen right through the scam for what it was, after all, I've pulled a few of my own in my time. I should have seen the warning signs and put and end to it before I let myself get too deep. But I couldn't. I actually liked the way it felt to be falling head over heels for someone who I thought was the one. The fabled love of my life who would desire and cherish me forever.
Being in love made me forget that fairy tales aren't real.
I think it's growing up that broke me. All the magic and fantasy I grew up wishing was true was exposed as I got older. The naive scales fell from my eyes and my whole life felt broken. There was no such thing as a happy ending, no Prince Charming who would one day come and sweep me off my feet, declaring his love for me. I had to work at what I wanted, and I chose fame and wealth over love. I tortured and teased for what I wanted, so when love finally caught up with me I just wasn't prepared.
I was even less prepared when it left again.
I've never been so lost. Everything I do doesn't seem to have a point to it. Everything I start has no end, and I only get up in the morning because I feel as though it's expected of me. What good would it do anyway, if I were to lay in bed day after day? I would just waste away under the weight of my own thoughts, telling myself how stupid I was to trust him. How idiotic it was of me to let him in. How silly I was to let my guard down.
And that I forgot fairy tales aren't real.
It takes quite a boy to make you forget pure and simple fact. But that's what Ricky was. He was amazing, and I guess that's why he hurt me. My ideal man would have to be as cruel and as spiteful and as mean as me, of course. Perhaps that's why he broke my heart.
I wonder if he cares?
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself.
- "Karma Police". Radiohead
What am I supposed to do now?
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A/N: It's a different sort of song-fic. More of a quote-fic really. I just couldn't find one song that was perfect throughout. I'm fussy like that. It also goes on the pretence that Vicky and Ricky were together for a lot longer than they were in the show.