Peyton heard the steady beeping in her ears as she opened her eyes. She lifted her head to find Lucas still peacefully asleep. She smiled, but her mood suddenly changed when she recalled the events of the previous day. She can feel the warm tingling sensation behind her eyes as she lays her head back down. She is unaware as the first tear escapes and travels the lonely path down her smooth face. Soon she can taste the many tears she can't hold back. She feels the strong but gentle hand that begins to rub her back, giving her comfort.
"Peyton, it's alright. I'm here." His voice sounded distant to her. She knew he was only inches away but it felt more lie miles. Peyton felt alone, suddenly unsure of who to trust. The only person she knew would be there was holding her. Lucas had always been here. Even when he didn't understand he stayed by her side. She pushed him away but he kept himself within her reach.
"I know you are" She looked at him through red glossy eyes. Deep down she knew he was never going to just get up and abandon her but she still felt alone. She didn't know how she could feel so close to someone, so sure about them, but still feel so far away.
All her life Peyton had experienced pain, time and time again. It was something she had come to accept. She could always get someone to be there but they would always leave, and sooner or later Lucas would leave her too. She lived a life of lies, betrayal and disappointment. It was all an endless cycle, Peyton Sawyer's life was one big path of misery. She had made the mistake of trying to get off the path when she went out with Ricky and now she couldn't seem to find her way back.
Lucas watched as Peyton just stared at the wall. He could tell she was lost in thought, he only wished he knew what was going through her mind. 'There's only one way to find out' he thought to himself hesitantly. "Peyt, what's on your mind?" He hoped that she would tell him. Lucas wanted to be there for her, but that would only be possible if she let him in. Peyton was never good at sharing her feelings and he didn't know if that was ever going to change.
"Nothing" Peyton voice was mumbled, she had not fully broken from her thoughts. Lucas furrowed his brow at her answer, one that he didn't believe.
"You sure, you don't look like you're thinking about nothing" He tilted his head slightly to get a better view of her.
"Damnit Lucas! I said I'm fine! I don't need you worrying about me, I'm not some little girl I cant take care of myself. SO if I say I'm fine, don't push me just take my word for it." She snapped, her voice was much harsher then she realized. She immediately looked up at Lucas and saw the hurt expression that remained on his face. "Luke…"
"Don't worry about it Peyt, I'm just gunna go call my mom, alright" She could hear the pain in his voice as he slipped himself from beneath her.
"Lucas wa…" She began again, but he barley acknowledge her voice. He merely continued walking towards the door.
"It's okay…I'll be right back" He closed the door quietly behind him leaving a guilty Peyton behind him. She couldn't believe what she had just done. She didn't mean to snap at him, she didn't even realize she had until it was too late. She closed her eyes, feeling the hot tears screaming behind her lids. She turned herself away from the door as the tears broke free. She heard her door open but she couldn't bare to look. It killed Peyton to see the look on his face that was visible in his eyes and in the way he moved. She hated the look that she had caused. She felt the warm hand that touched her shoulder. She tried unsuccessfully to hold back the evidence of her guilty torment.
"Peyton…are you alright" Peyton turned her throbbing body to look at the concerned face hovering over her.
"No…God Haley I messed up" She looked into her friends eyes, her vision quickly blurring as a new wave of moisture began seeping from her eyes. "Really bad" Haley pulled her into a warm and reassuring hug.
"Peyton I'm sure everything gunna be fine, but what happened?" Haley sat on the edge of the bed, holding Peyton's trembling hand.
"I got caught up in my thinking and he asked if I was alright and I just snapped at him. Hales I don't even know what happened. I didn't even pay attention to what he said but I went off." Peyton could feel her heart shattering. It was as though she had ripped hew own heart out, causing as much pain as she could.
"Peyt what did you say" Haley asked confused.
"I told him that I didn't need him worrying about me and that I could handle myself and that if I say I'm fine that he should just leave me alone." Haley looked at the regret on Peyton's face, but she couldn't even begin to imagine the pain her best friend was feeling. He cared about Peyton more then anyone, even he, realized. Hearing those words would have hit him hard.
"How did you just snap like that" Haley's voice was more cruel then she intended. She knew Peyton didn't mean what she said but she couldn't shake the thoughts of Lucas from her head.
"I don't know. I was thinking about how messed up my life is and I just went off." Peyton blinked away the new set of tears that was threatening to expose her feelings.
"Peyton I think you were trying to push him away again. You might not have even realized you were doing it. But think about it, whenever you get scared of worried it's like this automatic mechanism you have to build up your walls and shut everyone out. You get scared that someone is gunna hurt you and you stop it before it has a chance to even think about happening." Peyton looked up at the ceiling, taking in everything Haley was saying. She knew it was all true but it was something she hadn't been able to control for years. It was her only sense of protection against the cruel world that had it out for her.
"Peyt, you're trying to prevent the pain but you're causing it. You're hurting yourself and the people around you. What if you miss out on something real, something that you'll never find anywhere else. Peyton you're gunna regret it if you keep shutting people out" Haley had started to cry now. She knew that Peyton was in pain and she hated that the only was she felt safe was to cut people off.
"Haley you don't understand. You…forget it, you're right" Haley could see that she was lying.
"Peyton what were you going to say" she gave her hand a light squeeze.
"Nothing important." Peyton looked at Haley and forged her best smile. Haley suddenly remembered why she had come in the first place. She looked down at the black folder in her hand. It was the reason she knew what blonde cheerleader was feeling.
"Peyton are you mad at me" Haley didn't know how else to say it, she didn't want to beat around the bush.
"No, Hales why would I be" Peyton had a look of genuine shock on her face. She had never hated Haley. She watched her friend pick up a folder from the floor. She recognized it, it was her art portfolio. It had all her most private sketches in it. She watched as Haley opened it and scanned the pictures stopping at the one she was looking for.
"This is why I think you are" Haley felt the tears burning in her eyes as she held the picture in front of Peyton. Peyton examined the sketch that she had drawn months ago. It was of Haley and Nathan walking away holding hands. She had drawn herself in the corner, gazing at them with visibly glossy eyes. Above the couple the words caught her eyes. "They can have it." In the corner there was another quote. "People always leave." The tears she had been holding back made themselves known again. She looked up at Haley.
"I was never mad at you Hales. My art has always been my escape, my diary, that was just what I was feeling that day. It wasn't directed at anyone I promise." Peyton looked directly into Haley's eyes, hoping that she understood.
"Peyt, that's good to know. I'm worried about you though." Haley flipped through the next couple of drawings, making sure to show each of them to Peyton. There was one of Lucas and Brooke, one of Brooke walking out of her bedroom, one of her dad getting on a boat, and one of a red stoplight. They all held the same phrase, 'People always leave.' "This scares me a little bit. How can you keep all this inside of you?" Peyton looked at the auburn haired girl in front of her. She was normally so happy but now her entire demeanor was altered. Her face was tear-stained. The pain and confusion could be seen in her eyes. Peyton couldn't help but feel she had caused that and she felt that she owed he distraught girl before her an explanation.
"I've done it for nearly 8 years. It's all second nature now. It's why I don't let people in. When I let them in they always leave and I can't do anything about it but get up in the morning and plaster a smile on my face. It's my problem, people have enough to deal with other then worrying about me. It's better that I shut people out, it stops the problems before they start."
Haley looked at the disheveled girl in front of her. The stereo-typical cheerleader would be your high school whore, selfish and self serving. The girl in school that everyone fears. She get whatever she wants by keeping her legs open and flipping her hair. She's the biggest bitch you'll ever meet and thrives off the pain of others as well as revenge. Peyton was the head of the Tree Hill cheerleading squad. That girl…was not Peyton Sawyer. That girl was her opposite. Peyton was willing to hide her pain so no one had to worry about her. She was everyone's rock when needed, always there to listen or lend a shoulder. Here she was making herself sick because she thought was preventing people from feeling her pain.
"Peyton you don't have to do things alone. Everyone has problems but everyone needs help. You can't always be the rock" Haley looked at Peyton, seeing her differently then before. She forced a smile to let her know that she wasn't alone.
"Peyton the point of having someone care about you is so that they can help. You have me, Lucas, Nathan, Karen, your dad, and if you really need her you have Brooke too." Peyton looked at Haley, not believing her words. She never really had anybody and she never would. If she did have somebody she would lose them, so she didn't want anyone to care, she wouldn't let herself have anybody.
"Haley I know you guys are there to listen and tell me everything's gunna be aright, but that doesn't make things better. It doesn't mean I have someone there for me, I can't have someone there for me, I don't want it." Peyton replied honestly.
"Well I don't care if you want it Peyton you have me anyway and you definitely have Lucas. Peyt he's not going anywhere no matter how hard you try to get rid of him." Haley smirked in Peyton's direction before sticking her tongue out.
"I'm not so sure about that Hales. I think I screwed up really bad with him." She could feel the tears that slid down her pale cheeks again.
"Peyton, you've pushed him away before and isn't her here for you now. It's gunna take more then words to push Luke out of your life. He really loves you and I know you love him so would you just let one itsy bitsy wall down, just for him." Peyton couldn't help but to laugh as Haley poked her bottom lip out and put her hands together, laying her head lightly against them.
"I can only try Hales, but I don't know how well it will work" Her smile faded slightly as the words left her parched and tender lips.
"That's all I ask" Haley put her hands up in defense before leaning in and hugging Peyton closely but being careful not to hurt her. "Peyt if you need me I'm here, just don't forget that." Haley pulled back slightly and looked into her friends hazel eyes.
"Thanks" Peyton pulled her back into a warm hug before letting her go. As Haley walked to the door Peyton stopped her. "Hales…thanks for listening" She gave a small smile, this one genuine.
"I figured it was time for a change, your turn to have a rock." Haley returned the gesture before leaving the room. Peyton relaxed back into her small bed, gazing up at the ceiling.
"I'm here for you too" She turned abruptly to look at the figure in the door.
"Luke I'm so sorry for what I said." She looked at him with pleading eyes. He only smiled at her.
"I didn't mean to, but I kinda ease dropped on you and Hales for the couple of hours or so." He sat in the chair next to her, taking her fragile hand in his.
"I think I'm kind of glad, did it explain anything?" She looked at him, feeling hopeful.
"Yea, and I agree with Hales. You can't keep everything inside, you're making yourself sick" Lucas watched as a tear slipped from her red eyes. He looked at the dark circles underneath her eyes. He wasn't sure whether it was form lack of sleep, stress, or both. He wiped the tear from her face and then laid himself next to her under the thin blanket, draping his arm around her slender waist. She absentmindedly entangled their legs, situating herself closer to him. "Peyton I'm supposed to leave in two weeks to go to New York, but I don't really want to. I wanna stay here with you, but I gotta know that your gunna let me in. I cant stay here and watch you push me away for months. I don't really care too much about my future, my main concern is that it includes you. Peyton I…" She shifted in his arms and cut him off with a gentle kiss.
"I want you in my future Lucas, I really do. It's just letting you in is really hard, but please don't give up on me. I'm trying Luke, I swear I am." Peyton let the tears fall gracefully along her cheeks. Lucas wrapped his arm tightly around her waist and kissed her passionately. He let her tongue invade his mouth graciously. He pulled back reluctantly and smiled at her. Peyton returned the smile.
"I'm not giving up on you Peyt, don't worry" He pulled her into a close hug before turning his body slightly to turn on the radio. "I know you can't possibly like sitting down here." Lucas got up from the bed. He carefully removed the covers form Peyton's body and helped her sit up.
"Luke what are you doing?" Peyton looked up at him utterly confused. She watched Lucas bend down with one hand behind his back and the other extended.
"Care to dance Madame Sawyer." Lucas looked up at a smiling cheerleader.
"I would love to Monsieur. Scott" She slipped her hand into Lucas's. He pulled her up, making sure to maneuver her ivy stands with her. They listened as Sheryl Crow played through the radio speakers. Lucas joined his hands with hers as Peyton rested her head on his shoulder. He held onto her stand as they swayed back and forth to the music.
Come
to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not
everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought
to be
It seems like
every time I try to make it right
It all comes down
on me
Please say honestly
you won't give up on me
And I shall
believe
And I shall
believe
Open the door
And show me your
face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me
like you
And you hold the
key
Never again
would I turn away
from you
I'm so heavy
tonight
But your love is
alright
And I do believe
That not
everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought
to be
It seems like
every time I try to make it right
It all comes down
on me
Please say
honestly
You won't give up
on me
And I shall
believe
I shall believe
The couple danced through the next couple of songs. The watched as the sun set, leaving the sky in a magical array of colors. Peyton let her fears of losing Lucas slip away for the night. She was happy again, and she hopped that this time around nothing would ruin it for her, and nothing did. After dancing they ate food that Haley had brought by earlier and then they laid in the small bad cuddled next to each other. They both soon feel asleep, their breathing peaceful and melodic.
The song is 'I Shall Believe' by Sheryl Crow. I'll update soon. Don't forget to review!