"I have to go…do something." Brooke said quietly as she turned and walked away from Peyton's bedside. The brunette made her way into the hall and she immediately fell back against the cold tile when she heard the door close behind her. Brooke buried her face in her hands, secretly hoping that things would go back to the way they were.
"Brooke…" the brunette looked up into Lucas's concerned face. She tossed her head back and let out a cry of frustration.
"She's gunna do it again, all of it." Brooke shook her head slowly before returning her gaze to Lucas.
"She's gunna push everyone away again isn't she?" He asked, even though he already knew the answer. Lucas ran his fingers through his matted hair as he felt a new wave of sorrow set in over his body. "She's gunna push me away again" He said quietly.
"Oh no, she's not gunna do that, at least not for a good month or two." She looked up to meet Lucas's confused gaze and she let out a small, worried laugh. "Peyton's has to feel something to push you away. She has to be scared or angry or something to push you away. She's not gunna feel anything, she will lack all emotion."
"Brooke what are you talking about." Lucas looked down at the brunette but she just stared down at the floor.
"She's started it already. You would think that she would be hysterical about having a miscarriage but she's acting like she nothing happened. Doesn't that strike you as the least bit odd Lucas?" Brooke could hear the edge in her voice, and she didn't intend to sound so harsh but she couldn't help it, she couldn't handle it anymore.
"How long did this last before?" He wasn't sure what else to say but he knew that he wanted to know what was going on.
"About two months and then it all just came out at once. It was like she was feeling all the pain that she had pushed aside for that time and she couldn't stop it. Lucas she cried for three days straight and after that third day she built her walls. She had to deal with so much pain that she got scared of it and she decided that if she closed people off she wouldn't have anything to be afraid of." Brooke pushed her body off the wall and paced the hall.
Lucas watched Brooke walk from one place to the next. The movement made him dizzy, along with the thought racing in his head. He couldn't imagine not being able to feel any kind of emotion, it didn't seem possible to him. He didn't want to believe what Brooke told him. He just wanted Peyton to be okay, he wanted her to be able to grieve normally, but deep down he knew that wasn't going to happen.
Brooke stopped walking and leaned against the wall again. She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes and she let them flow, hoping to ease her pain. Her knees grew weak and before long she could feel herself sliding down to the floor. Lucas looked down and her weeping figure but didn't move from her spot. He wanted to comfort her but he couldn't even comfort himself. He was in too much pain to try and take on someone else's. He didn't have the strength to do it.
"I can't do this again, I can't handle it. I don't wanna have to deal with this." Brooke looked up at Lucas, who now had tears streaming down his face. "I don't want Peyton to have to deal with this. None of this is fair to her." Brooke forced herself to stand. She took a deep breath and then wiped the tears from her face before straitening out her outfit. She walked over to the door and looked in at her best friend lying tranquilly on the bed. The brunette placed her small hand against the thick glass of the door's window.
"I don't wanna do this but I have to. Peyton doesn't have a choice, she has to play this stupid game and I'm not gunna watch her do it alone." Brooke's voice sounded as fragile as she felt. She was startled when she felt Lucas's hand on her shoulder.
"She's not alone. She has Nathan and Haley and she has you and me. Peyton's not gunna do any of this alone. We just have to be there for as long as she lets us."
"I know." Brooke plastered a smile on her face and pushed the door open. She had to be strong for Peyton. She had to be strong for herself because if she wasn't she would fall apart and without Peyton no one would be there to pick up the pieces. "So when you get out of the damn place we're going shopping girly." They could all feel they're heart breaking when Peyton just looked at her and then turned back towards the window.
"Peyton…" Lucas grabbed her hand as he took his seat next to her again. Her eyes traveled up to meet his, but they showed nothing because there was nothing there. "The doctor said that after three days you're allowed to go home. I think it would be a good idea if you stayed with me or Brooke."
"I'd rather go home." Her voice was completely neutral and she sounded like a robot. Lucas watched as she turned her head slowly until she was staring up at the ceiling. He never realized that he could be that close to her and feel like they were miles away. When Brooke told him that she wasn't going to feel anything he didn't think it would be this severe.
Lucas squeezed Peyton's weak hand as he imagined what the next couple of months were going to be like. The minute Peyton started to feel again she was going to push him away and he didn't know what he could do about it. He just hoped that he could get Peyton to trust him before she shut him out.
Lucas sat on the edge of the bed holding Peyton's hand for the rest of the day. She didn't acknowledge his or anyone else's presence, she just continued staring at the ceiling above them. Haley and Nathan left the evening but Brooke and Lucas remained behind. Peyton fell asleep early that night and the two just watched her. It bothered Lucas that she was sleeping more peaceful than usual, but it didn't come as a surprise to Brooke. She had gone through it all before and she was doing the best she could to prepare herself for it again.
The brunette knew that there was no way to tell Lucas about what was going to happen, it was something that he would have to see and experience on his own. Brooke's only hope was that the other secrets from Peyton's past would stay there.