Chapter 4-The First Time
"We've decided." announced Hayden.
"Decided what?" Lauren paused from packing her duffle bag.
"You get The Pants first." concluded Amber. She tossed The Pants to her.
"What?" Lauren looked at The Pants in her arms. "But what about Amber's dad coming in?"
"He won't be here until next week, which gives someone one week with them." Hayden explained.
"When did you find that out?" Lauren burned the question at Amber.
Amber stared at the floor, "He called last night. We wanted to surprise you."
Lauren ran her finger over the embroidered patch. She sat silent like she wanted to refuse The Pants, but knew she couldn't. She folded them neatly and softly lay them in the top of her duffle bag as if they would be easily crushed. "Why me?" she said slowly looking up from the bag.
"Hey, you got us into this didn't you?" Hayden joked, but quickly saw Lauren wasn't laughing.
"You act like this is a burden." Amber pointed out the feeling she had tried to hide.
Lauren shifted her bright blue eyes. A single tear fell. She quickly dropped her gaze to the floor.
"Lolli," Hayden sympathized, "what's wrong?"
"I can't." Lauren breathed in a sharp breath. It was too much. Everything she had been hiding was more than she could hold in. "Taja." she barely whispered under her whimpers. She tried to calm herself back down.
Amber held Lauren's face in her palms, "Running away from this is not going to change it." Her eyes captured Lauren's. "You have never let yourself feel that pain." She jerked her face away.
"I'm fine." Lauren dismissed her feelings, but from the looks of her friends faces she knew they didn't believe her. "I'm fine." she repeated.
The girls walked down the stairs to wait for Amber and Lauren's moms to pick them up. No one dared to speak. They sat looking out the window, waiting for someone to say something.
"You're right." Lauren said simply. Amber and Hayden just stared. "I haven't let myself feel it." she continued. "I'm going to find a way and maybe The Pants can help me." She didn't give them time to respond. She just opened the door and walked away.
Lauren pulled on The Pants again, this time seeing herself in the mirror. Wow she thought my mom will never let me wear these. She let out a sigh like she knew what came next. She went over to her desk and pulled a diary out of the drawer. She opened to a book-marked page:
Dear Diary,
Today Taja died. Today I hate doctors, because they could not help my ten-year old little sister. Today I want to cry, but I don't because then she will really be gone. I want to go in her room and lay on her bed, but I shut the door instead. I wrote Taja a song on my guitar. I wonder if she can hear me play it from heaven, and know it was for her. I wonder if she can see my tears on the inside. Today I saw Taja lying in a hospital bed, but she wasn't breathing. Her eyes had blue circles around them and her mouth drooped in the corners. Today I forgot who Taja was and never wanted to think of her again.
She slammed the diary shut and let herself cry for the first time. She let her tears fall on The Pants. She let them soak into the fabric. She cried herself to sleep and nightmares of her sister's death no longer haunted her, but dreams of her sister's life allowed her to live on in her heart.