Fears Of Immortality
I notice that Anna has been silent for a time, and I ask her "What's wrong?"
She jumps, as if I have startled her.
"Oh! I was…just thinking,"
"You've been silent for so long…"
She smiles. "So have you, Kratos. What were you thinking about?"
I tell her the story. When I have finished, she nods thoughtfully.
"So, humans and elves come from the same source?"
"I…I suppose so…"
"Hmmm,"
"What?"
"Well, I haven't really got my thoughts in order, but…I was thinking of the effect of immortality on the human brain. Humans aren't designed to live for so long. I imagine it would be rather like insomnia. You know, when you can't sleep and the same thoughts keep going round and round in your mind, driving you slowly crazy…"
"Are you calling me crazy?" I ask, reaching over and hugging her, kissing her.
She laughs, kissing me back. "Of course not. I guess you're pretty strong-minded. But, you know…"
"What?"
"Elves. They live for so long, and they don't go crazy. But they move slower and are calmer. That would explain it. Human beings are always rushing around, and they seem to…to feel things so much more. I wonder if that's why? I mean, even you, you move slowly, think slowly, act slowly…that makes sense considering. I think if you move slowly, are more stoic…eternity doesn't hurt so much,"
"So…what? Most humans will go crazy if they're immortal?"
"Yes…I think so,"
"What about half-elves?"
"Well…I suppose it depends what you inherit. Some half elves act more like elves, knowledgeable but slow. Others…they act like humans. But they all have the same long life. So long with only the same people around you, the same thing over and over…we only met because you were bored, right?"
"That's true,"
"So…Lord Yggdrasil…I think he has a human mind. That's why he's become so obsessed with one idea, reviving Martel. It's a long idea, you know? I mean it's taking so long…there's nothing else he can do with his long life. Anything else could be done equally well by anyone else in a normal lifespan,"
"You think Mithos is crazy?"
"Don't you?"
"Yes, I suppose I do,"
She shrugs. "I think he could have coped with his natural life span, long as it is. But immortality…"
"It's frightening,"
She half turns in my arms, looking up at me. "So's mortality,"
"Which is worse? In your opinion,"
She thinks for a moment, looking away. "Immortality," she says eventually. "That's why neither chose it. That's why immortality wasn't considered a reward,"
I don't answer. I kiss the top of her head, and she leans back against me, her eyes slowly closing. She falls asleep, but I stay awake all night, watching the moon move across the sky and I am reminded of her remark on insomnia. I haven't slept in four thousand years.
Perhaps I am crazy.