Peyton sat on her bed and watched as Haley continued to rock back and forth with Lucas. Nathan sat next to her on the bed and looked on as well. They remained like that for nearly three hours before Lucas found the strength within himself to get up from the floor. "I didn't think it would hurt like this. I can't explain it but the pain is there, almost like it's lingering over me, like its never gunna go away." Lucas whispered with tears still in his eyes, he forced himself to hold them back though.
"I'm sorry Luke…I can't promise that'll go away, but it will get better." Haley informed him soothingly, but it didn't help him at all. He wanted the pain to go away now, he wanted to be like Peyton, he didn't want to have to feel it. What Lucas didn't know was that Peyton was beyond confused. She usually had so many emotions but all she felt was curiosity and therefore confusion. The thing she wanted to know most though, was how to make herself feel something again, to really feel something, like hurt or pain or happiness or love. She remembered what it was like to be in love. She looked over a Nathan and remembered being in love with him. She remembered wanting to be wrapped in his arms and feel safe and warm. But what she really longed for was the love she felt with Lucas. She wanted to be able to look at him and feel her heart jump into her throat. She wanted to feel sick with anticipation. But as she gazed at Lucas no matter how hard she tried or how long she stared she felt nothing but longing.
Peyton wasn't upset or angry however, all she felt was longing. It didn't bother her in the least that she couldn't have what she wanted, she just kept trying to get it. Peyton turned and looked from Haley to Nathan. They were in love and she knew it, she could see it in the way they looked at each other. She wanted to be like them, to be truly and madly in love with someone. Although she couldn't feel it and they could, she wasn't mad at them because she wasn't jealous, she wanted to be jealous but she wasn't.
She watched as Lucas fought back tears while barley being able to hold himself up. He felt the pain that she was supposed to feel. The two blondes both sat there wanting to be in the other potions and they both would have given up their current state in a heartbeat. Peyton tore her gaze form Lucas and looked down at the floor. She was trying desperately to make herself feel anything at all but she wasn't having any luck. At the moment Peyton didn't know what it was to be frustrated or at least she couldn't get frustrated, she didn't get tired either, so she just kept trying. She was so deep in thought that she didn't notice when Nathan, Haley, and Luke walked down the stairs. Nate had tried to get her attention but she ignored him or at least that's what it seemed like when in truth she didn't hear him.
Peyton looked up just in time to hear her front door close. The blonde stood from her bed and looked out her window to see her three friends standing on her porch talking. Peyton walked over to her desk and lifted her sketch pad. She wasn't really sure if she wanted to draw but she knew that when she felt down she always drew. She didn't feel upset but she wanted too so she figured that she should want to draw. Peyton looked for her pencil but couldn't find it anywhere, but then he remembered that she had moved her case into the bathroom. She couldn't remember why she had done that but she shrugged it off as she walked into her bathroom. She didn't want o bring her whole bag out, she only wanted a pencil so she opened the black case and stuck her hand in and dug around for a minute.
"Ow" Peyton mumbled and then cursed under her breath as she yanked her hand from the case. She watched as the crimson blood dripped from her finger tip where the blade of one of her tools had cut her. She bit the tip of her bleeding finger and the pain slowly subsided. That was when she first felt it, a sense of pleasure almost. She wasn't sure what to call it but making the pain go away made her feel better. Peyton felt almost satisfied as she remembered the sharp pain that she felt in her finger tip. The pain had been more soothing then making it go away.
The blonde reached into her bag and pulled out one of her tools that was now tipped with a deep crimson stain. She eyed the tool, more specifically the blade, and ran her delicate fingers over the sharp edge. Her head quickly turned to look at the room to her door as she heard a car engine roar and her front door open and close. The blonde quickly closed the bathroom door and turned on the water. She ran the blade under the cold water for about a minute and then shook the excess water off. Peyton turned her arm over and placed the blade a few inches above her wrist, she remembered that it hurt most when she went a little off center on her forearm. Peyton pressed down and as the blade sliced into her warm skin it felt as thought she were being burned. She let her blonde curls hang as she tilted her head back in mock pleasure. She felt the thick blood slide down her arm from the small slit she made into her skin. To get real effect she had to go very deep but it would take time to stop the bleeding and she didn't have time because Lucas was probably on his way upstairs. The slit she made was small and didn't cut past the first couple of layers of skin so that she felt the pain but she also could cover it with a Band-Aid.
Peyton relaxed into all the emotions that suddenly invaded her head. The pain had triggered the pleasure from finally being able to feel. She felt satisfied but she still didn't have the emotion she wanted…she didn't feel love. She wanted to be angry but she couldn't find the anger. She couldn't feel the emotional pain either and she felt the longing return to her as she thought about the things she couldn't seem to have. She wanted to feel the pain again and since there was nothing emotional for her she desired the physical. She placed the cold blade to her skin again and got ready to press down but she heard Lucas walk up the stairs. She closed her eyes and listened closely as he climbed the steps. She heard a deep creak from one of the steps and knew that he was almost at the top and she didn't have enough. She wanted to feel but she knew people wouldn't understand her methods. She shoved the blade into her art bag and put it back under the counter where she took it from.
Peyton placed a band aid over the small slit in her arm and cleaned off her arm and the counter top before opening the bathroom door. She had many secrets and this was another of them, one that she planned to keep hidden for a while. Lucas smiled halfheartedly at her as he entered the room and found her sitting on the bed where she was when he left. Lucas looked at the picture that was now back on the dresser. He forced himself to smile but could no longer hold in the tears that had been threatening to fall since he walked downstairs. Lucas walked over to Peyton and laid down on the bed behind her still sitting form. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her down next to him. He buried his face into her soft curls as he cried. Peyton hoped to feel something but there was nothing there. Even being this close to Lucas gave her nothing but longing. Peyton closed her eyes as Lucas pulled her further into him. As his desire for comfort started to subside, her desire to cut grew.