Anything in bold is a flash back
Peyton laid in Lucas's warm arms trying her best to get up and run into the bathroom. She was feeling like she had when she was hooked on the heroine, she just wanted to satisfy her new craving but she didn't wanna get caught. She hadn't moved because she knew Luca was still awake, she could still hear him crying. She wanted to comfort him and make him feel better but she didn't know how. She wanted him to make her feel better but he didn't know about her desires. She wanted to tell him what she wanted but she wasn't sure how to. The more she thought about it the more longing she felt. She wanted to feel nervous about talking to him. She wanted to feel safe in his arms or happy. She wanted to cry with him and tell him things would be okay but she had no real desire to do that because she couldn't feel what he was feeling, she wasn't upset and she couldn't seem to really make herself care. The blonde just wanted to have an emotion, she wanted comfort to ease her into sleep.
Peyton turned her body and faced Lucas. His once blue eyes were now red as he gazed back at her. Peyton rested her hands on his chest and could feel his uneven breathing. She wanted to breath the way he did and look the way he did, she wanted the puffy red eyes and the tear stained streaks. Peyton closed her eyes and tried to think of what it was to be in love to have that one emotion that triggered almost all others. She sorted threw her memories and to her surprise various images flashed through her head.
"I hate you Luke" Peyton let the tears flow freely from her eye as she wrapped her arms around his neck. She was furious with Lucas for scaring her, but she couldn't help but smile as she looked up at him.
She remembered how hurt she was when Lucas left her on the couch and she remembered being happy when surprised her and picked her up form the couch. She was so mad at him for scaring her but it was okay but she loved him, that was love and that was what she wanted to feel.
His lips caressed her flushed skin, lingering momentarily in each spot.
The anxiety and anticipation were other things she missed as she opened her eyes and stared at Lucas. He still had tears streaming down his face as he looked on in confusion. He didn't know what she was doing but he hoped it meant she was starting to get better. Nathan had told him that she started feeling curious but his mind was too jumbled to really comprehend it. He looked into her hazel eyes and tried to read them but he couldn't all he knew was that she was thinking.
The curly blonde lost herself in her thoughts and her pleasure as her quivering fingers latched to his firm chest.
Peyton remembered the pleasure. She yearned for that feeling of being completely content with everything around her. She wanted to feel as though nothing mattered but her and Lucas, that same feeling she had felt that night.
She pulled back from his lips and bowed down into his moist neck, breathing in his intoxicating cologne, the scent swirling around her head making her dizzy, but satisfied at the same time.
Peyton got lost in the memory and when she began to feel her own heart pounding in her ear she was pulled back into reality. She looked at the blonde boy in front of her, the same one that had given her so many emotions that she didn't know what to do with them. She leaned forward and their lips met.
Peyton pulled back and looked at him with a sense of shock. She hadn't felt anything. Her blood didn't run warm and her heart didn't flutter and she's wasn't even disappointed. All she got was desire, the same desire she had had all night, to have feeling and emotion. Lucas too was shocked but simply because he hadn't expected her to do that. It felt good to him and it felt right. For a brief moment he had forgotten everything and it was just him and Peyton. She always had the ability to do that to him even with a simple kiss. Lucas scanned her eyes and still he found nothing and it broke his heart to know that she didn't feel what he did. She had always smiled and he eyes glowed and he face would light up, but now this time, this time there was nothing but two blonde lying in bed getting lost in thought and desire.
Lucas removed his arm from around her wait and laid it gently on the side of her face. She could feel the warmth of his skin but it wasn't comforting like she remembered it to be. Lucas closed his eyes and moved forward bringing their lips together again. He traced the edge of her lip with her tongue and her lips parted slightly creating an entrance for him. Lucas dropped his hand back down to her waist and pulled her slim frame further into him. Peyton thought about all their times together, every kiss they had, anything to give her that feeling. Once again she could feel her heart beat speed up and the pounding in her ears grew but to her disbelief Lucas pulled back.
Lucas wanted to be with Peyton more than anything at that moment. He wanted to feel her skin against his but he didn't want to push her into anything. Peyton had been doing whatever she thought she was supposed to do but that didn't mean she wanted to. He looked at Peyton's confused face and he wanted nothing more than to continue what he had started. It had almost been 2 moths since he had been able to kiss her like that and she still tasted the same. Peyton looked into Lucas eyes and knew he was thinking but her desire had grown with each beat of her heart and she didn't want to lose the opportunity.
Lucas looked down as Peyton grabbed the hand that was around her waist and pulled it up to her chest. She used her other hand to undo the top button of her shirt and then place Lucas palm on her bare skin against her heart, her hand now resting on his. He smiled as he felt her heart racing and then looked up at her. She knew he understood as she removed their hands and placed his back on her hip. The blondes' lips crashed together as Peyton wrapped her arms around Luke's neck and pulled him on top of her. "I want this" she said calmly as she broke the kiss. She could feel the passion she had felt when Luke used to touch her but it didn't make her happy. She didn't care though, she wanted to feel the passion and she knew that she could, she know how to get the passion and now she could feel more than pain. Braced on his arms, Lucas leaned down and kissed Peyton once again, feeling the same great passion she was.
Peyton awoke to feel Lucas's bare chest pressed into her back and his arm draped over her waist. The sun was shining brightly through her window. "Morning beautiful." Peyton turned around to face a smiling Lucas. He was happy, it was obvious, but she wasn't. She had gotten something she wanted but she wasn't happy, she still didn't know what it was like to be happy or to be in love. Lust and passion weren't either of the other emotions but she still couldn't be angry so that didn't bother her.
"Morning" she replied dully as she leaned in and kissed him hoping to feel pleasure again but there was nothing, at least not for her. Peyton started to feel something she couldn't place but she knew that she did know that she wanted to feel the way she did last night. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply. He returned the kiss and he allowed her tongue to play in his mouth and she allowed his to do the same. She pushed herself on top of him as her hands roamed his warm skin.
"A little aggressive..." Lucas gave a small laugh as he pulled back and tucked a stray curl behind her ear. "As much as I'd love to continue this beautiful I promised Haley that I would go to the café this morning. I'd love it if you came with me." He kissed her lightly as he waited for a response, he wasn't positive that he was gunna get one but he hoped he would. She looked at him in contemplation. She wanted to feel the pleasure and passion again, but she couldn't decide whether she wanted to go to the café. She tried to decide but she kept coming up with the same thought, the same desire...pleasure, but not from cutting.
"I don't know" she replied honestly. Lucas wasn't hoping for that answer but it was better than the nothing he had gotten used to getting lately.
"Alright" he said as he leaned up and kissed her, the gesture felt weird to him though because the response she gave meant she wasn't really feeling too much of anything, but she did kiss him back. Lucas made a mental note to himself to ask Brooke what everything meant, he figured that she would be able to give him a heads up on what to expect because at the moment he was slightly confused by things. "Well I gotta go...if you want to come you can meet me there, if not I'll meet you back here." He kissed her lightly and watched as she nodded her head in understanding. Lucas rolled her underneath him and kissed her one last time before pushing himself off the bed and gathering his clothes.
Peyton stayed in the same position as he got dressed. He gave one last look at the blonde laying in bed and smiled at her, she didn't return the smile but he didn't linger on it, he just kept in mind the even from last night, more specifically the feel of her heart pounding in her chest, meaning that she felt it like he had, she felt what it was like to be them, even if was only for brief moment, she felt it too. He turned his head and went out the door and to the café.
Peyton flung her long legs over the edge of the bed and picked up her clothes. She wished Lucas didn't have to leave, she wanted to feel him again but now she couldn't. Peyton wrapped the sheet tightly around her small body and brought her clothes into the laundry room. Peyton reentered her room and put on clean clothes, a pair of low rise hip huggers and a tight spaghetti strap shirt with a thin jacket over it. She walked into the bathroom and reached under the sink for her art bag. Once she found it she opened the case and pulled out the sharp utensil sitting on the top, it was still stained form last night. She thought about how she always felt as the thin cold metal sliced trough her skin and it only made her want to drown in the pleasure more and more. She pressed the blade to her skin but snapped her head around when she heard her front door close.
"Pey...it's me, Nate" He called as he climbed her stairs. Peyton dropped the blade back into eh bag and zipped it up before throwing it under the sink. Peyton walked out the bathroom just as Nathan enter her room. "Hey you...Haley wants us to all do something and since she is talking to Luke I offered to come get you" He told her as he took a seat on her bed.
"Okay" the blonde said nonchalantly as all sorts of thoughts and memories invaded her head, mostly about her relationship with Nathan. She thought about the relationship they had developed recently but she couldn't get the memories of them being together out of her mind. Nathan looked over at the fat wall of Peyton's room where she still had various sketches up. He had never really looked at them before and he was now just realizing how much emotion Peyton put, or at least used to put, into her work. Nathan suddenly felt as though he were being watched and he turned to look to his other side at Peyton but stopped and wound up looking in front of him, where the blonde now stood. She wanted to feel and she didn't care how, as long as she did.
"So you ready to go?" Nathan asked his ex as he stood from his spot and looked at her, awaiting a response. In turn she stepped closer to him and nodded her head slightly. Nathan looked down at her in confusion as she continued to near him. Before he could comprehend anything he felt her soft lips against his and her arms wrapped around his neck. He was in shock and before he could think to react he found his body responding for him and the two fell back onto the bed. Thoughts from her past rushed through Peyton's head as she traced the edge of Nathan's bottom lip with her tongue. She knew what he liked and she slowly continued to trace his lip as she played with the back of is neck. As she did she got the effect she wanted, she got her sense of pleasure, there was no passion but the one emotion was good enough.
Nathan finally took in what was going on and tried to push her off of him but stopped when her leg pushed up between his and messaged his inner thigh and one of her hands teased him by the edge of his pants. He tried to stop them but the memories flooded his mind. They were happy memories from when he and Peyton were first together. He absentmindedly opened his mouth and accepted her invitation as she knew he would. She tasted good like she always had. Nathan remembered how much he had enjoyed kissing Peyton when they were together but then he thought about how much he love kissing Haley. He shoved the old images out of his head and grabbed hold of Peyton's waist and pushed her off of him.
"What the hell Peyton..." He yelled as he sat up and wiped his mouth. The blonde sat up and ran her hand down his chest causing his heart to skip a beat, just like it had in the past, but Nathan pushed her hand away and stood up. "You would really do this to Haley...you would do this to Lucas?" He looked at her confused face and her eyes caught hold of him. She had the most gorgeous eyes but they weren't like they used to be...there was something missing form them...she was missing and what replaced her was longing and confusion. Nathan suddenly wasn't angry with he anymore, he felt bad for her. He sat back down on the bed and reached out for her, he wanted to hold her and comfort her. He didn't want it to go any further than that, but that wasn't a fear as he looked at the lost girl before him.
Peyton felt his hand touch her shoulder and she looked at him. She hung her head and stood up form the bed and walked into the bathroom. She had gotten her pleasure but it wasn't enough, it could have been if she had just a little longer, but she didn't get any longer. She slammed the door behind her and looked it before pulling out her new best friend from her art bag and pulled up her sleeve. She gripped the handle tightly and she sliced into the first few layer of skin right above the band aid she put on last night. She placed the blade above the new cut and pressed the blade into her flesh again...the cold giving her a slight shock as she dragged the baled across her arm a third and fourth time. Peyton threw her head back in pleasure and breathed deep as she held her arm over the sink letting the blood drip down into the drain. She turned the water on with her other hand and then reached for a cloth. She heard Nathan pounding on the door for her to open it but she ignored him as she wet the cloth and then held it to her arm. It took about 5 minutes but the bleeding stopped and Peyton made sure to wipe up all the blood. She pulled her sleeve back down and felt satisfied.
"Sorry about before Nate" Peyton said as she flung the door open. She didn't feel guilt so she wasn't really sorry but she knew that she should be. She walked out the bedroom and then stuck her head back in. "Aren't you coming?" she asked Nathan as he stood by the bathroom with a confused look on his face. She seemed fine now and it was like nothing...absolutely nothing had happened. He didn't want to think about it though because he didn't want to think about the fact that he had cheated on Haley. He should have pushed Peyton away from the start and that fact that he didn't was why he was scared to tell her, but he knew that if he didn't and she found out on her own or if he just waited it would cause more problems. Nathan shook his head and followed Peyton down the sitars and outside. They headed to the café and Nathan knew that he had to go through the day with Haley and Lucas, and neither of them would know what had happened between him and the girl who sat beside him, who conveniently happened to be his ex and his brothers girlfriend. He sighed deeply and tried to put a smile on as he pulled up in front of the café. Peyton was fine with things because she didn't feel like anything was wrong she was content with things for the moment. Nathan watched as Lucas leaned down and kissed Peyton lightly and Haley hugged her, it didn't faze her in the least, but him, he was a wreck, but he hid it the best he could. He didn't want to ruin the day, no one needed to know right now, telling them what happened could wait for at least a couple of hours.